Does the fact that I can't stop thinking about her mean I have feelings for her?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Does the fact that I can't stop thinking about her mean I have feelings for her?

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  • #495503 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Loving is an action about what you give, not a feeling about what you receive.

    #495509 Reply
    Andy

    stass – “bad person or a selfish one”

    #495512 Reply
    Andy

    Still can’t post.

    #495517 Reply
    Andy

    stass – “bad person or a selfish one”

    You’re hoping Mark’s experience will give you some insight of what’s going on in your own situation, and maybe some closure.

    #495518 Reply
    Andy

    stass – “bad person or a selfish one”

    You’re not on the outside looking in. You’re not seeing the real him.

    I’m having to post this in pieces.

    #495523 Reply
    Andy

    stass – “bad person or a selfish one”
    Your feelings for the person are blinding you to the fact that this really is a bad person with selfish intentions.

    #495538 Reply
    Mark

    doesn’t seem to want to let me reply

    #495543 Reply
    Tara

    Mark,

    Loving someone when you’re not ready for a commitment is the same as not loving them, for all practical purposes.

    It IS as simple as that.

    Let her go. She has a kid who needs her.

    #495544 Reply
    soni

    Andy I completely resonate with what stass said. her story is quite like mine. and its been 4 years for me. he has commitment phobia and keeps disappearing. I do try and do my own thing. meet people and date men I like. but the min he messages my hopes are all up and I find myslf dropping evrythng to give him a chance. its like a weakness that I know is not gud for me but I still get drawn towards him. I hv told him numerous times to stay away but he does get in touch evry few months. I did talk with him yesterday as well when he said he really likes me and feels we have a special connect. but that hes scared of commitment. I cant force him to do what he isn’t ready to do. he flits in and out. and its not even that he has been in any steady relation in all the 4 years we have known each other. Its frustrating as hell bec u simply cant see why he cant give us a chance.

    I don’t think he’s a bad person nor are u. sometimes we just fall in love with people who carry more baggage then the others. despite my guys issues I don’t hate him. I always have a choice, to walk away or to shut him out completely. I have walked away many times but not shut him out. Maybe he will realize his mistake but I just hope its not too late by then.

    Mark since I have been at the receiving end of uncertainty I can understand what that poor lady would feel whn u connect. so pls think over carefully and decide what u shld really do.

    #495548 Reply
    Andy

    The forum is having men issues. It won’t let us post.

    #495549 Reply
    Andy

    So we have 2 wonderful ladies that are getting mentally and emotionally screwed over because a guy like Mark won’t leave them the hell alone.

    #495550 Reply
    Andy

    The flip side to this is that the women are letting it happen.

    #495551 Reply
    stass

    If I hadn’t gone through my situation, I would think that Mark is totally selfish and a bad person. But my exbf was the most caring guy in the world and it would be hard for me to think about him differently. He and Mark have issues. And because we have never been in their shoes, we don’t understand it.

    I think a lot of the comments here are rather harsh. The fact that Mark is posting on here about this situation means that it’s serious for him and he understands his problem.

    I think it took me 2 years and seeing my ex cry in front of me numerous times and tell me that he STILL isn’t over me, to accept that this is something that I can’t fix.

    But I do commend you Mark for letting her go when you knew that you couldn’t give her what she wanted. THAT IS NOT SELFISH. I wish that my ex had just let me go that first time and never came back into my life… perhaps I would’ve moved on quicker and never looked back.

    Can I ask you what you’re actually scared of? if it doesn’t work out with you guys, so be it. But if you love being with her (and not just sex), why can’t you be in a relationship with her? Are you insecure? Maybe you know that you cant give her what she wants in life, and you’d rather cut it off now? I know you said you went through a bad breakup, but you can’t let that define the rest of your life.

    I’m also 29. Go for whatever makes me happy. That should be your goal.

    #495556 Reply
    Andy

    Selfish – (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

    #495557 Reply
    Mark

    I can answer the question for you Sass.

    I know there are men who want to play the field, get married late, have sex with lots of people and I am sure the commitment issues can be different for everyone. For me it’s not that. I hate being single. I’d love to be married, have kids, have “forever”. I hate casual sex. I crave closeness and love but at the same time can’t handle it.

    I know why it is. My parents had a violent marriage. my Mother left me when I was really young and didn’t have much to do with me until I was 18 or so. I went to live with grandparents. I was bullied a lot and became a loner and pretty bad at being close to people. I find it hard and doesn’t come natural.

    I tried intimacy one time, fell in love, when I was younger and really wanted to marry her and she said “yes” and I was all set for the whole “forever thing” and she left me. After years and her being the only close person to me in my life it was more hard than you realise. My life fell apart and it took everything to feel better, so yes, I never want to feel that bad ever again. So yes I am afraid and maybe a coward and selfish.

    What goes through my head? That she’s too good for me. That she is going to lose interest. That she can do better. That if I let her in I will get hurt. I didn’t end it with her. I just withdrew, so she ended it. Why? Because I was thinking that I was getting so attached that losing her might be unbearable.

    I bet 95% of men shying away from commitment aren’t genuine cases though. I’m not a sex crazed guy out for what I can get. I was a man afraid of love who looked for companionship and ended up meeting the right woman at a time I wasn’t ready for her.

    I thought if she left me, I could avoid the risk, and I know that’s hard to understand anyone being that self destructive but go look at an anorexic and tell me you don’t understand.

    #495558 Reply
    stass

    “So we have 2 wonderful ladies that are getting mentally and emotionally screwed over because a guy like Mark won’t leave them the hell alone”

    Yes, Andy it was a roller coaster. But I never felt anything like I did with my ex. Our connection and chemistry was amazing. Its hard to just give that up. its especially hard when the guy comes back in and out of your life. Even harder when you can see that he really wants to be with you but something (whatever it is) is holding him back.

    I think I just didn’t want to accept that he had commitment issues. I thought ‘that would never happen to me’.

    #495561 Reply
    Mark

    And if it helps also…the mixed messages, the hot and cold.

    It’s because you want her and don’t want her at the same times. And yes it is selfish. The best thing you girls can do is what she did, and right away say “no” to it. If he cares about you he will go away, think it over and come back when he wants to put the work in.

    #495563 Reply
    WaitWhat

    Mark- please do not talk to this woman any further.

    I’ve been in her shoes. I’ve been in Stass’ shoes. I cut off contact with my guy in August and I STILL hurt and cry. I had two dreams about him just last night.

    I know he never meant to hurt me. I -know- this. However, he was so selfish. He could not see beyond his own needs. He contacted me when I cut him off in June and THEN when I didn’t reply, contacted me again to tell me that HE felt disposable. And then when I called him to tell him he wasn’t disposable, but that I needed to not be in contact with me he said, “This last week has been the loneliest week ever. Because I haven’t talked to you.” YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. He is the one who would never let me go, hated when I dated, but would not make me his girlfriend. He’s the one who told me I had everything he wanted except for one thing. He’s the one who told me that he’d thought about marrying me, but in the end just couldn’t. I did not ask for any of this. I simply gave him my love, and after being rejected set my love aside to be friends only to have him treat me like a gf, GIVE ME HOPE for many months and have sex with me twice and then, again, reject me.

    He didn’t know what he wants.
    You don’t know what you want.

    Leave her the eff alone, please. This is not loving her. It’s taking her love and taking it for granted. It’s a love you have not earned, so work on yourself until you can earn it.

    #495564 Reply
    stass

    thank you for sharing Mark.

    you know your problem and i think you’d do yourself such a huge favor if you actually got help. talk to someone about it. vent to someone. it’s okay to be scared. but i think you need the help of a professional to conquer this.

    i definitely think that you should cut all contact with that girl until you’ve helped yourself. then when you know that you can be in a relationship with her- go and get her. but do not do it prematurely… because you’ll end up hurting her and losing her forever. she’ll just get sick of you ‘running’. all her eggs wont be in the basket – sort of speak. she wont commit 100% to you because she knows that you’ll bail on her at any given point. and this will ruin your relationship.

    seriously, go and find a therapist or counselor to talk to. i did. i see someone about once or twice a month to just vent too. being broken up with by the same guy twice definitely does something for your ego and your self esteem. lol

    let her go for now and focus on yourself. i promise, once you’re at 100% with your inner self, it will all work out in the end.

    #495567 Reply
    Andy

    “I’d love to be married, have kids, have “forever””
    You’re in love with the idea only, not the act.

    “said “yes” and I was all set for the whole “forever thing” and she left me”
    I can see why this would make it rough.

    “I was getting so attached that losing her might be unbearable.”
    So you hurt her before she could hurt you.

    So you want to compare your situation to someone with anorexia.
    The exact causes of anorexia nervosa are unknown. However, the condition sometimes runs in families; young women with a parent or sibling with an eating disorder are likelier to develop one themselves. Then there are psychological, environmental, and social factors that may contribute to the development of anorexia.
    Ok, so work on yourself first, then give it another go. Because based on what you’re saying, you’re not going to make any headway.

    #495584 Reply
    KateK

    Mark,
    Have you ever sought therapy for any of the experiences that you attribute your commitment/anxiety/fear issues to?

    #495606 Reply
    Jessica

    Mark,
    Wow, this thread took a turn for the worse. I think some of the comments were very harsh and I do not think you deserved them. I don’t think you are bad or wrong and I don’t even think it’s your fault. I think you are trying to do the right thing and seek advice here.

    Now that you have given us more information, I think we all agree that you would benefit greatly from therapy to overcome your trust and abandonment issues. Therapy can help immensely. Just by way of example – my father went to therapy for years to overcome his abandonment issues resulting from his father dying when he was a teen – which he realized had caused not just abandonment issues, but anger, rebellion, regret and a drinking problem – all of which led to my parents’ split. And he was a teen when his father died suddenly – you were a small child when you lost your mother – I cannot imagine what a profound effect that has had on you. These fears you have are irrational, but I am sure they feel very real. Just remember – this woman had nothing to do with what happened to you when you were a child. You are still a young man with a lot of life ahead of yourself – you can resolve these issues – you can turn this around and have a happy marriage to look forward to. You would truly be missing out on an amazing part of life if you do not fix this.

    I disagree with some of the posters who say to leave her alone. I think it would be okay to contact her – but not to get into a relationship with her in any way at this point. I do think you owe her an explanation, especially now that you have some strong indications that you do care for her but that you have major commitment issues and if you could be in a relationship with anyone, you would pursue her. Complete honesty is required here – just give her the gift of knowing how great she really is and that you are working on yourself.

    I went through a hot and cold phase with my BF – so I understand why some of the posters are having a very emotional reaction to your dilemma. It is hurtful to have someone say how great you are, but to feel like they aren’t sure about the relationship (our issues were complicated, and I won’t go into them – but the behavior was similar to yours, hot and cold – he DID come back and was ready for a relationship). Being unsure about the person is very different from being afraid of ANY relationship. The latter is where you say ‘IF I could be in a relationship with anyone, it would be with YOU’ – this is less hurtful (when genuine). If you are genuinely having these issues, she will understand and appreciate your honesty and not being kept in the dark. I think the most hurtful thing is when someone disappears with no explanation. Again, DO NOT lead her on and make any promises or engage in a relationship until you are ready – and do not ask her to wait for you.

    Maybe if she’s still available when you are sure about your feelings and ability to commit to someone….you never know….I’d get to work if I were you.

    #495769 Reply
    soni

    I think Mark you need to think what some of us posters who have been at the receiving end of such uncertainity went/going through. and what your issues are.

    Think thru what you really want from this woman. do you think you could live with this woman on a long term thing? is that a possibility? have a proper relationship wid her? if you feel yes, you would really like to try with her, then really I don’t see why you should not connect with her. After trying, you guys realize that things may not work long time then that’s a call both of u will take. but I feel its ok to try even if you or any one of you get hurt.

    My grudge with the guy I liked was he was never rally ready to stick arnd and even try. he had to have his distance periodically due to his extreme commitment phobia. good thing is you atleast recognise ur weaknesses and strengths and are willing to discuss. that’s a plus..

    #495772 Reply
    Rose

    I think she’s going to get tired of the game and end up falling out of love with you. She will meet someone and move on for good.

    Leave her alone, don’t leave her alone, maybe she has to learn a lesson too and that’s getting men who won’t commit out of her life.

    I’ve been in her situation, my guy kept coming back after I begged him to leave me alone because he lead me on saying he wanted a relationship, then he said he couldn’t commit… That roller coaster went on for more than a year… Well, in the end I got tired and finally decided to never take him seriously again, even if he came back and begged me I would never trust him again or see him as potential relationship material, he killed all I felt for him.

    Now I’m happily dating others and learned my lesson and that’s letting go of people who can’t give me what I need. I don’t agree with people telling you that you are wrong, you might be but she is too because she should’ve moved on a long time ago, it’s not 100% your fault.

    #496502 Reply
    Sarah

    Any updates Mark?

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