Does the fact that I can't stop thinking about her mean I have feelings for her?


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  • #495365 Reply
    Mark

    I am not going to see her to say I want a relationship, I am going to see her to ell her how much I miss her, how much I like her but how hard it is for me to cope with feeling that way and maybe we can talk honestly.

    She does get that this is not you avergage guy who doesn’tw ant to settle down, this is something big and I agree if I date her I will want to run again. It’ a fine line, so I need help. I am going to just talk to her.

    #495367 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I am sorry, but you are selfish. You know your issue and instead if fixing it, you are going to talk to her when you know already you will hurt her again?

    I love you, I can’t stop thinking about you, but I have done none of the work needed and I can’t promise you I have changed. But I think about you often so let me unburden myself.

    How about getting some therapy so you don’t do this anymore? If she is healthy she won’t sign onto this malarky. How about you do the work and then try to be with her?

    #495371 Reply
    dee

    I agree with those who tell u not to meet her. Since u have clarified your stand(not wanting a relationship), dont unleash this burden of yours on her. It is not love…so no point in saying u liiiiike her so much but u cant be with her. Work on urself n perhaps find someone else who u can love and be loved back

    #495373 Reply
    Sophie

    Mark, reading your posts remind me of my ex-bf.
    Although I have 90% moved on from him, it really hurt me back in time when I found out he really really liked me but could not commit since he always hang up on commitment. I had no choice apart from leaving and see if magic does happen in the future. We still care for each other; no in fact we actually love each other, but not enough to be with each other. So don’t lead her on, better not to see her. It won’t be pretty

    #495383 Reply
    KateK

    oh jeez this is just getting worse… what is your point? this is beyond selfish. You want to see her bc it feels good to be with her but you know you are incapable of more and you know she wants more. You have no business seeing / dating her, period
    Read what Tallspicy wrote and then read it three more times or until it sinks in. Get help with your issues and stop burdening others with them.
    what if you had a daughter or a sister that you saw being strung along by some guy that broke her heart and tried to repeat the same over and over… you would tell her to dump him, right?
    You have admitted that your fears and anxiety are unhealthy and that this is not average, it’s “something big”. If you had the flu you would not see her right? Well you are unhealthy and can infect her if you get close so just stop. Enough already, be a man and get your own house in order before entering another’s.

    #495393 Reply
    Mark

    The point is I want to fix it.

    #495400 Reply
    Tara

    OK, sorry, I have to take back my applause at your seeing her again. I thought you meant you were ready for a relationship.

    So, you want to fix it? How? I hope you are not thinking along the lines of having tons of sex with her so it gets old, and then you can get her out of your system.

    You know what she wants, she made that very clear to you. She has a right to expect that from a guy she dates, just as you have have a right to expect a casual thing…..however, when she saw you were not on the same page, she ended it. She was very clear, it seems to me.

    She may be thinking you are coming back for a serious relationship now. That’s probably what I would be thinking, after making myself clear as to what I was looking for. Don’t lead her on. Don’t give her the, “I’m so confused, all I know is I can’t stop thinking about you. Let’s spend some time together and see where this goes.” When all along, all you’re looking for is to get her out of your system.

    #495406 Reply
    Tallspicy

    It is only fixed when you fix it inside you. Only contact her when you want the same thing and have a chance of giving it to her. Jesus you are a selfish jackass.

    I am sorry to be so blunt, but this is all about you and your ego. She should accept your paltry crumbs and non ability because it is big? You have bigger issues that others, no you don’t. And if you do, go fix them.

    If and I mean if you want to fix if, send her a letter and email and explain you are thinking about her and see now you messed it up and have work to do. Ask if you can contact her when you can give her what she deserves.

    Then, contact her when you are doing the work…

    #495410 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I agree if I date her, I will want to run again????? That is what you said. How about stopping hurting people as if you have no control over it. Grow up.

    #495413 Reply
    Tallspicy

    This is your story with her:

    A. You have a breakup, probably should not be dating anyone, but you need an ego stroke so you meet this girl

    B. You date this girl, knowing you don’t want anything, maybe even lead her or on, or not.

    C. She dumps you when if is really clear that you will not give her when wants

    D. You date someone else because you feel sad – oh poor boy! So again, you are hurting someone else by massaging your ego, and you dump her.

    E. You decide in your wisdom to try to talk to the other girl because you are in pain and instead of working on your new insight, you drag her into it.

    How about fixing your problem which is thinking about yourself and your inability to commit?

    Urgh, I am enraged at this bullhonkey.

    #495414 Reply
    Andy

    To me, it sounds like we’re right back to square 1. Is this Mike?

    “Does this mean I have feelings for her? Or just infatuation?”
    “I agree if I date her I will want to run again”
    “The point is I want to fix it”
    You’re not fixing a damn thing here. You running just shows what a jerk you are. It’s just infatuation.

    You’ve made no progress. You’re still going in circles. I’m back to my original response, LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!

    #495419 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Tell me 3 things you like about her other than being turned on by her and wanting to touch her like a pet…

    #495426 Reply
    Hannah

    Mark, seriously only have a talk with her if/when you know what you want and you are ready for a relationship.

    You said yourself you don’t want to hurt her. You also know she’s not coming back until you can offer her a relationship. So what’s the point in talking to her right now? Nothing’s changed. You still aren’t committed to a relationship.

    This isn’t something she can help yout to fix. You said yourself you have issues and they’re for you to sort out. There seems to be a reason behind your fears, perhaps something you need to get over before you can move forward with anyone?

    #495433 Reply
    soni

    Agree with all views posted in the latter posts starting with redcurleysue’s post… mark u very well know what she wants. but you still not sure what you want. in such a scenario its really not fair to connect with her again and give her hope, when you still are unsure. if you connect her hopes will be up and she will be hurt again when you again start showing signs of uncertainty. Its really not fair on your part. and if u really like her first sort out what exactly u want and need and only then approach her.

    I know what I am talking because I have gone thru this and still suffering. known someone for 4 years. I walked out when I realised he wasn’t certain. and I told him so clearly. after 2 months he reconnected but only for my hopes to be dashed again. don’t do this please to her.

    #495448 Reply
    Mark

    Thanks everyone.

    You know. I did tell her long before we ever dated that I just wanted casual and had this problem. I was honest with her from day one and we talked about it a lot so she made an informed choice.

    I did also say all the stuff I liked about her back on page 1 or 2. Yes, the sex is crzy good but being with her is also crazy good.

    It’s not like I make a conscious choice. If anyone here has got a phobia, or a serious problem with something you can’t sometimes control it.

    If I was selfish believe me, a few months ago I would have just gone to her and said I wanted a relationship and enjoyed all of it without caring about hurting her. I miss her, I want her and it’s not been about me saying hat she wants to hear.

    Good people can have commitment issues too, and we sometimes do just genuinely meet soeone who makes us want to get over it because life without them…..well…just sucks.

    #495455 Reply
    KateK

    You are not hearing what anyone is saying!!! If you believe you have a serious problem that you can’t control you HAVE NO BUSINESS DATING! It is your responsibility to take ownership of your own health and well being so that when you go out into the work you can relate with other people WITHOUT HARMING THEM.

    “Good people can have commitment issues too, and we sometimes do just genuinely meet soeone who makes us want to get over it because life without them…..well…just sucks.”

    Do you hear yourself? You are expecting her to make you get over your issues rather than taking ownership of them and solving them yourself (with therapy). SHE IS NOT YOUR THERAPIST. you cannot go into a relationship, acknowledging you are unwell and expect it/her to fix you. that is your job. My god I have never heard of someone so delusional or seen such shirking/deflecting of responsibility.

    #495461 Reply
    Hannah

    KateK, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but a lot of peole do casually date with no intention of ever entering into a relationship. I think as long as they’re up-front about their intentions that’s fine.

    Mark, I mentioned phobias before. All of them can be overcome if you set your mind to it. Believe me. It’s not easy and it takes a lot of work, but whatever issues you have now can be a thing of the past if you address them. Can you tell us where this issue of yours comes from?

    I really don’t think you’re in a place to be in a relationship at the moment. I know you care about this girl, but until you can get over your fears, it’s just not going to work.

    #495465 Reply
    stass

    Hi Mark,

    Thank you for your post. I was waiting for a man to post about this topic. I do not think you are a bad person or a selfish one, however, I have been on the receiving end of this type of situation and I can tell you that sometimes it’s harder on the girl than the guy. You sound very very VERY much like my ex-bf, whom I still love and hope will be back with me at some point.

    My ex and I were together for a solid year. It was amazing. We were amazing and we really loved each other. all of a sudden something changed and he broke up with me because it was getting too much for him and he needed some space. (he never mentioned any of this before). I was shocked. Everyone was shocked. And no, there wasn’t another woman. We were apart for about 4 months. During that time, I cried every day and I couldn’t understand any of it. He would text me every now and then and ask to hang out… and as much as I wanted to say NO or ignore him, I couldn’t. I loved him too much and I wanted to be with him. So every time we saw each other, we had an amazing time and I so longed to be with him even more. But he kept on telling me that “HE CANT”. “HE’S NOT READY”. “HE’S SCARED”. And multiple times he was crying when he would leave or when he would see me hurt.

    In my head, I couldn’t understand how someone that looked like they wanted to be with me SOOO BADLY, just COULDN’T. I didn’t understand. But I still had hope for us because what we had was real and you don’t find a relationship that good. I kept hoping and crying and was depressed. I couldn’t date other people, I was miserable. He told me he couldn’t date other people either… and if he wanted to be in a relationship it would be with me. SO WHY NOT BE WITH ME THEN? I just didn’t understand so I cut off all contact with him.

    After I told him that we cant talk to each other anymore, he came back within a week. He text me how much he just can’t stop thinking about me. And although we’d been apart for a few months, he’s wasn’t over me. He said that seeing me with someone else makes him sick. He basically said all of the things that you’d want your ex to say. I was so happy that he finally realized that we should be together. He said he’d like to TALK TO ME IN PERSON when he came back from his trip seeing his family.

    He came back and didn’t initiate seeing me to discuss his feelings. I had to initiate it. And then….. CRAZY PART… he went back on everything. He began saying that ‘he was scared’ and “he didn’t want to hurt me because that’s the worst thing he’s ever done”… BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I WAS SO ANGRY. How did 4 days change his mind? I was just furious.

    But he tried to still be in contact with me…. He was honestly scared that I’d move on for good. It was just a bad cycle. But then he finally asked me out on a date and we started dating for about a few months before I wanted to make it ‘official’. I wanted to be his GIRLFRIEND. but he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. We acted like gf/bf, but he didn’t want to put that title on it which hurt me a lot. I felt like he was going to RUN at any minute.

    So after ‘dating’ again for about 6months, I told him if we don’t make it official than I’m out. So he let me go. But…. he came back after a week and finally made It official. I was happy but I was just badly bruised from all the back and forth and still felt like it was forced. In the back of my head I always thought “when will he leave again”?

    And after being in a relationship again for 3 months, he broke it off.

    We’ve been apart for about 7months now and he will still randomly text me. I never understood it. It was 2 years of back and forth and I still only think about him and I still cry about losing him. Its hard when you cant understand what the man is going through.

    My point is, don’t hurt her. Don’t go in and out of her life. I’m pretty damaged now and yes, I’m scared to start dating again because of my past.

    I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT THE STRUGGLE IS. Why cant you be in a relationship with her?

    #495469 Reply
    KateK

    Hannah,
    I agree that if people are upfront it’s fine but he wants this girl to make him get over his commitment issues and that’s not ok. Read between the lines.. he wants a relationship with this woman but he is scared and he is now looking to her to make him get past his fear. That is an unfair burden to put on anyone. that is something he needs to work out himself so he can present himself an open and available man who is ready to love and fully commit, not a scared little boy looking for someone to coax him out of his shell and work on his fears.

    If that woman came to this forum with the same story we would all scream RUN!!!

    I see failure ahead and two unhappy people

    #495470 Reply
    Andy

    “Good people can have commitment issues too”
    That’s like saying:

    Good people can steal from others too.
    Good people can do bad things too.
    But I have to wonder if this is really a good person.

    There’s nothing good about hurting someone else to fulfill a selfish need.

    Just in case you missed it…..
    …………………….. LEAVE HER ALONE!!!! …………………….

    #495471 Reply
    stass

    i’m sorry for the long post… didnt really know which part to leave out! lol

    oh yea, my ex even told me a week ago that he’s not completely over me.

    i have no idea why he’s so scared to be with me. i dont understand it. all i know is that it hurts.

    but i hope that you aren’t wanting her to WAIT AROUND FOR YOU. that isn’t fair. try to get yourself together and conquer your fears… or you’ll regret it once she moves on.

    #495477 Reply
    Lena

    In this case, it really looks like you’re being selfish and thinking only about your needs and banging her again. If you can’t give the woman what she wants, which is more than just d**k, leave her alone so she can find a man who will.

    #495479 Reply
    Hannah

    KateK, I couldn’t agree more! I think entering into anything or even meeting at the weekend would be totally unfair.

    You can be good and have committment issues, but you don’t ever, ever doing anything you think may hurt someone. Giving someone false hope is a cruel thing to do.

    I think Stass’s story is a perfect example and I’m very glad you typed it all Stass! It sounds like a heart breaking and confusing situation to be in, and one I home Mark won’t put a lady he cares about in.

    To be honest, I’ve alaways thought “I’m scared” was a lame excuse for guys that weren’t interested in committment. I know it is for many! It’s interesting to find out it really is a thing!

    #495499 Reply
    Andy

    goofy forum won’t let me post

    #495502 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I’m scared is legit. Some people are that scared.

    But only if
    A. When you know you can’t give what is wanted, you leave them alone
    B. You work on fixing it with a counselor.

    Otherwise you are a whiny child who purposefully hurts people without enough self reflection to fix your own problem.

    The issue is not that he’s scared, it’s that he is not fixing himself and he is hoping she can save him without thinking about her at all.

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