This topic contains 124 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by madame 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
August 7, 2018 at 2:19 pm #716313
Lane I agree that at the end of the day the guy is not responsible for how I feel. I’m coming to the conclusion that people come and go and that’s just how life is. However I don’t think I’ll ever accept ghosting as a way to break off with someone.August 7, 2018 at 9:48 pm #716383
Yes anon because I can say NO at anytime whereas a non response IS a response. What’s your thought process if someone doesn’t call or text you back? Do you get angry, anxious, fret, worry or do you tell yourself “guess their busy; not interested; not ____?” I think their busy, not interested or ____ and treat early dating no differently than I do anything else I’ve got going on in my life. If I don’t want to play golf I don’t, if I don’t want to go to a social outing I don’t, and if I don’t want to date someone I don’t. Not sure why this is such a hard concept to comprehend?
Again, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t. It ultimately depended if I felt comfortable enough to do so because there have been quite a few who became overly desperate or clingy and having that conversation NEVER ended well and had to cut them off anyway! Sadly because of a few bad experiences you become less inclined to do it.
Like I said IF having these conversations didn’t end so badly more would do it. Maybe you should try having that conversation with a lot of the ladies who post here; those who can’t let them go even when they have been given PAGES OF ADVICE and still drunk call, text, beg, try to sex them (list is long) and then come back asking for more help when it failed! Try stepping in those guy’s shoes for a bit and maybe you’ll understand it.August 8, 2018 at 9:01 am #716419
I always get back to people professionally and socially. I’d never leave a person hanging on an invitation and I think it’s poor form to do so.
Also, professional encounters and “first dates” are in many ways different from people you have dated for a couple months. Someone has invested in you, with their time, and in the man’s case, most likely some money. It’s rude to leave them hanging.
Professionally, I only know of ONE person in my network that regularly blows off meeting requests and she is poorly regarded by her peers as a flake. So being blown off at work or by my friends isn’t something I’ve experienced.August 8, 2018 at 5:17 pm #716453
I believe in the golden rule “treat people as you’d like to be treated.” Everyone deserves common decency, and if a guy shows me he doesn’t have any, I don’t waste a moment on him.
Someone who would ghost me would never get a second chance, unless it turned out he was in a coma or had a truly legitimate reason he couldn’t give me the decency of a heads up.
I remember dating a guy several years ago who seemed so into me. He took me out on real dates, always initiated, and was excited/happy to see me. All of a sudden he just went “poof”.
Turns out he was struck and killed on the side of the highway, trying to help a poor elderly stranded woman with a flat tire.
I didn’t find out until a couple months later when friends heard about his funeral (turns out thousands showed, and it was on the news and told me.
He was a good guy, it shook me up pretty bad for a long time.August 8, 2018 at 5:33 pm #716455
In the world of dating today it would be nice if every guy who was no longer interested said so.
The reality is we aren’t always going to get that from them.
Do I think that’s the best practice no but, try not to let that get to you. Just say to yourself his loss, he missed out, and next.
Many of them at some point do come back around out of boredom,things not working out with someone else, sex, and on a very rare occasion a genuine second chance(I’d rule this one out since he barely knew you).
Whatever you do don’t give people like this any more of your time.
Someone else will come along who won’t go poof.August 9, 2018 at 8:28 am #716478
Phillygirl’s experience is why you at least send the “it’s over” text, then block or ghost or whatever. Similar thing happened to me twice. One guy had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental care facility and the other was in a near fatal car accident.
The guy who ghosted on me after those two- I actually sent him a couple of texts “Hey, hope everything is OK with you, but are you alright?”. What kind of a jacka$$ lets you worry about them? Especially because he knew about the two previous guys. This guy actually did hit me up a few months later and I told him how he made me feel and he gave me some BS about “not getting emotionally close to people”. I told him to stop dating until he learned how to communicate.August 9, 2018 at 7:24 pm #716543
A few months may not seem a lot and caring for this person may be silly but I think that’s where the anxiety is coming from. You just don’t know what happened to them.August 9, 2018 at 7:36 pm #716544
Philly’s story is what I would consider a rare extreme case.
9/10 nothing is physically wrong with the guy that caused him to go poof.
The thing is they went poof on you and don’t care how you feel. Really sit with that.
In all the cases of poofing I’ve dealt with at some point they returned with a lame excuse. If anything I felt upset that I wasted time worrying or being sad about it.August 9, 2018 at 11:28 pm #716556
i dated a guy for 3 months. In the beginning he was very persistent to meet me and made a bunch of effort. I ended up meeting him and for 3 months straight we were kind of inseparable. I met his entire family, parents, sister. And even one week before he said he ‘needed time’ i met some of his best friends!!
We had an amazing time together throughout the 3 months, even though he was into different things than me, i loved and appreciated how we got along so well. We took a small trip together, and he would very often talk about the future with me, having a child and what the name would be! He knew i was scared of getting hurt, and he would often say, ‘lets take it slow’ He dropped hints of buying a house and even getting a dog together, etc. Out of the blue, right on what would have been our 3 month, he started to ignore me. He wasnt responsive to my messages…i ended up texting him 3 times and calling him twice before he told me ‘ i think i just need some time. im so sorry’
We had future plans, plans for next week to go camping, events planned in september and even in october!
WTF this guy had been thinking about a future, although we never said we loved each other, my feelings were starting to develop and grow. i really cared about this guy and i was always vocal. he knew about personal things i was going through (a separation) but i always made him my priority, i always made him know and did my best to make him feel that despite what i was going through, he was my number one.
I realize it only lasted 3 months, but honestly this is the most difficult separation i’ve experienced. he disregarded me for a few days until i had to pry out of him what was going on, and then he only responded with ‘i think i need time. im so sorry’ why would he lead me on? :( my heart is broken because i was filled with so much illusion on what could have been.
i pray that he comes back around. why do i feel such desperation? i pray every day he comes around. even if its just to give me an explanation. i need closure. i dont understand what i did wrong. if i did something wrong, i always told him to be vocal and to communicate with me. this hurts so much and im not sure how i’ll get over it. i saw a great future with him even though i was never very super vocal about it, (because i was scared) but i obviously showed long term interest.August 10, 2018 at 8:31 am #716581
“Having a nervous breakdown or a near fatal car accident? That’s a reason you should send a text to a ghost telling the guy it’s over? Hahahahaha!”
Well, he had a nervous breakdown because he was a veteran with PTSD. Losing his grandfather and finals at school led up to a heap ton of pressure that snapped him into considering suicide. It’s not actually funny. To this day he is one of my best friends and had we been on the same page about kids, we would likely still be together. He snapped, got help and recovered. He snapped in no small reason because he fought in a war on my behalf.
There was nothing funny about the situation.August 10, 2018 at 9:28 am #716585
Mari, I’m sorry this happened to you but the fact of the matter is you moved way too fast!
True love takes a lot of time to develop, I would say at least a year or more before you can truly say you know this person enough to TRUST what he says because he does it. You need to be with each other in a lot of different situations, including hard/difficult one’s before you can know if you mesh in the way PARTNERS need to mesh in order to make it over the long haul because real relationships are nothing like “Hollywood Movies” they can be very hard and difficult at times and its how you lean and support each other during those times will ultimately determine if your relationship can survive or not…this one did not.
The EARLY days (first 4 months) are based on INFATUATION (read up on it) where your hormone’s are running amok and living in chemically induced fog but eventually those chemicals die down and reality sets in, you start thinking “is this really the person I want to spend my life with?” and that though alone can kill the buzzjoy one’s feeling and start the process of pulling back and then out. This is very common and why you really need to keep your wits, head out of the clouds, during the courtship process.
You should never take any stock in what someone says until they back it up with ACTIONS on a consistent basis over a long period of time to the point you can fully trust them—this is how trust is built! The problem with men, in general, is they think “in the moment”, what feels good in that moment in time BUT those feeling may pass at a later moment in time. This is why you need to adopt the formula “WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH” in your life by carefully listening, watching and observing a man before you can know if their words have actual meaning or not—his did not because he never ACTED on them.
In a nutshell, take what a man say’s with a grain of salt. View it with skepticism and don’t take them literally until he shows you time and time again that he backs his words up with action over 90% of the time (have to leave some wiggle room for things outside of his control) over many, many, many months before you can truly know if he’s ALL IN or not.August 10, 2018 at 3:56 pm #716632
I agree my example was an extreme case. But my whole point is that I would never give the time of day to someone who ghosts me.
Also, I don’t define ghosting as someone I’ve gone on a few dates with and nothing has really materialized yet.
I can’t even say I was ghosted (no pun intended) in that situation. I guess it was pointless to mention it, now that I think about it.
This is another example why strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self-worth are important.
When you understand your value, you don’t let some idiot who can’t be bothered with you, waste your time.
You keep on “keepin on”, learn whatever lessons and cues you missed for the next time.
We get the treatment we allow. Don’t allow people to keep you stuck and sad.Be grateful for the lesson, and use it to be smarter. People are too quick to rush into relationships without even knowing the other person.
I don’t invest in a guy until he earns my time and undivided attention. I am still polite and interested in getting to know them, but I don’t give my heart so easily.November 11, 2018 at 4:20 pm #728965
I have been ghosted a couple of times and it is the worst feeling ever! I agree that it is much harder to get over it than if the person would just break it off with you. It also allows them to keep the door cracked because they dont feel like they officially shut it. To answer the question posed, “do they return?” One returned less than a week later, only to ghost again after a week. After the second time, I sent a text and told him not to contact me again. I was a wreck after the first time and after giving him the benefit of the doubt, he did it again. I was not going to allow it to happen again!
His excuse was that he is a conflict avoider and thought I would be mad because he flaked on our date. The second ghosting also occurred after “sleeping through” our plans again. I suspect that he was dating someone else as well, which was leading to these afternoon snooze fests. That’s another thing to be alert for, most people do not knock out cold for hours during the middle of the day. If they don’t have a night job or some other reason for sleeping like that, I wouldn’t believe it for a second.
Anyways, I was promised that it wouldn’t happen again and it did. This guy is a POS and isn’t someone that I would want in my life in any capacity. If you cant trust someone to be there or to communicate with you when they have concerns, then they are just an emotional drain.November 11, 2018 at 5:23 pm #728968
What sucks the most is someone who is a complete ghost in your life and doesn’t even have the courage to tell you they are in your life and you thought you liked the person they are. Their actions say they don’t want you in theirs they just want to be in your business. It makes you pi*sed off at their actions so you try to throw it in their face and it backfires.November 11, 2018 at 6:37 pm #728974
Lane said, and we keep talking about this topic! “will STAND BY MY BELIEF that someone you spent a brief amount of time with is under no obligation to formally end something that never got off the ground. ” – so you met with a person a few times, there is some potential expectation that you’d might meet again, you what, won’t bother to tell them you don’t want to do that anymore?
And why is it always about “obligations” and “owing”? Saying hello and good-buy is no obligation but we do it, do we not? Do we say thank you and please? Well…letting someone know you won’t be seeing them again, regardless of how many times you met, belongs in this category. I feel sad that we live in such times that this has to be explained and even argued about. A short message saying “it was nice meeting you but I don’t feel we should continue” is all that it takes. Several words of decency and respect for another person.
I am perplexed as to why we have to debate it? The debate legitimizes it. It makes it acceptable, it makes it “another point of view”. Whereas there is no other point of view, it is simply rude (if you only met a couple of times) and in some cases cruel and sadistic (if you’ve been seeing each other a few weeks or more).
Why do even think in such terms as “he is under no obligation”? This is a very faulty mentality that would cause you to mingle with wrong people. If oyu start using normal judgement, you will know that a person who feels ok to ghost should NOT be part of your circle in any way. You’d save yourself a lot of trouble this way. What normal person not know that it is not ok to do? Seriously ladies.
The only reason I keep commenting on the ghost posts is precisely because I want to make sure that the “no obligations” crowd does not influence young women in the wrong way, leading th4em to accept crappy manners and crappy attitude. We should all expect normal basic politeness and decency. Not everyone grew up in the ‘dog eats dog’ jungle and most of us don’t want to live this way. If you want to be surrounded by decent people, then do not let anyone to dissuade you from remembering what basic decency and politeness is. And no, it is not an obligation, not at all.November 11, 2018 at 8:18 pm #728979
Yeah, If you start using normal judgement I payed 300 dollars for a concert I didn’t go to only to go to a different concert to spend the evening with my best friend. The notes in my phone were not read by anyone other than myself and the correlation between the notes in my phone and stuff outside of what I wrote happening, certain songs and the order they played in, algorithms changed to suit, and the random stuff missing are purely coincidental. I need professional help thinking someone hacked into my phone. Ridiculous. What person has the time for that? Why would they even want to? I’m ugly, a loser, and stupidly boring.
I didn’t ghost anyone.November 11, 2018 at 10:16 pm #728990
I, too, do not understand how the idea of no one owes you anything got distorted into legitimizing bad behavior. What is really sad is that it has become commonplace by some on here to criticize the person ghosted because they somehow “should” have expected it. Excuse me, isn’t it so in vogue to preach no expectations? Then, only to turn around and perpetuate the idea it is stupid or naive for not expecting someone who made a solid plan, as they had done before, to suddenly disappear? How’s that make sense for your no expectation rule?
What is worse is when people who have been ghosted get told they have no right to have a reaction or be upset because they haven’t met some arbitrary measure set forth by the person replying who is being dismissive. There is always another hurdle put out for it to count… If it was dating a month, it needed to be two months. If it was for two months, you weren’t a gf. If you were a gf, sounds more like FWB. It never ends.
While it is true that you can’t force someone to give you an explanation, that does not cross over to mean it is anything less than bad behavior or justifiable to ghost. What is so f-ing difficult about separating those two things?
Knowing you may never get an explanation does not mean you have to act like you think poor treatment is acceptable and excusable because people want to throw “no one owes you anything” in your face. “No one owes you anything” is meant to realize you can’t force collection on some things that are “shoulds” and you have to come to terms with making your own way. It DOES NOT mean the offensive action never occurred or you don’t qualify as being worthy of decent treatmeant.
It is beyond hypocritical to spew out “know your worth” and then tell that same person she has no right to have a reaction to being treated less than worthy.November 11, 2018 at 10:41 pm #728992
This whole thread is a lot of nonsense. You can complain all you want but you aren’t going to influence the other persona behavior. If you go around having expectations throughout life, you will find a lot of people out there who will disappoint you. People are not here to serve your needs. Just because you feel the need for closure doesn’t mean it’s going to come from someone else. That is the point of keeping expectations low in the early stages of dating.
Ther are so many situations in life where it would be nice if people treated you the way you want. But many people won’t. They won’t apologize, they won’t call you back, they won’t say thank you, the clerk in the store won’t make eye contact, someone will bump into you and not say ex use me. The list is endless. In the early dating phases the man you are dating is a stranger. Just because you had sex or a handful of dates doesn’t make him necessarily even a friend. It’s a short term proposition that may or may not turn into something more. And like in other pasts of your life you will find some men letting you know they don’t want to date anymore and just as many who feel fading or ghosting should get their point across.
Yes it hurts. Just like getting turned down for a promotion at work. All forms of rejection are hurtful. It’s up to you to decide if you want that rejection to define you or just realize it’s the cost of living in the real world.November 12, 2018 at 12:18 am #728994
Knowing you may never get an explanation does not mean you have to act like you think poor treatment is acceptable and excusable because people want to throw “no one owes you anything” in your face. “No one owes you anything” is meant to realize you can’t force collection on some things that are “shoulds” and you have to come to terms with making your own way. It DOES NOT mean the offensive action never occurred or you don’t qualify as being worthy of decent treatment.
What is nonsense is to keep circulating the fallacy it is somehow wise to go through life having low or no expectations. Expectations are the barometer for what people base their tolerance levels on when interacting with others. To group expectations under one heading without distinguishing between
What an individual considers reasonable and unreasonable leaves out a vital life tool.
In dating, the word “standards” is parroted ad nauseam. Hello, what are standards? Standards are what you will tolerate and what you won’t. How does one figure out their standards? Did a list happen to land at their feet one fine day? Nope. Personal standards are decided upon through experiences of either having your expectations for treatment being met or not being met.
There is, of course, going to be disappointment. That is how you decide who is and isn’t a good fit to have in your life.
It is not just semantics to differentiate between low expectations and reasonable expectations. Low expectations can pave the way for the mindset of letting rejection define you because you don’t “expect” any better. Adopting the attitude you don’t care or are oblivios in an attempt to sidestep disappointment doesn’t change that you accepted poor treatment. Having defined what they consider reasonable expectations will offer a person more confidence through more decisive action (done matter of factly without a need for drama) what will or won’t be tolerated… no matter what stage of interaction.November 12, 2018 at 3:08 am #728998
What Emma is totally. ^^^ I too am totally at odds with a fellow female thinking being rude as f@@k for a man to not even text a woman he has spend evenings alone with, with the intention of seeing if there’s a connection or spark, to just disappear is disrespectful and bad form. To hear it defended by people is disappointing. Manners at least would indicate a simple text of I’m not feeling the spark I’m after but you are lovely and I wish you well is nothing but manners.
How rude the world is and how accepting some are of this.November 12, 2018 at 10:34 am #729010
I hate that this topic even exists.
BUT, if anyone who is considering ghosting reads this, please think about it.
The problem with ghosting, and why it is worse than just communicating a lack of interest is the amount and time of emotional energy you are asking someone to deal with in a break up. If you ghost, you are basically extending the grieving process for someone. (And I know grieving isn’t the best word).
The timeline on a break up:
You get a text from someone you decided you aren’t into and let them know it is over. They know *immediately* where you and can begin moving on. Maybe they are sad, don’t think its fair, or perhaps just relieved. But they have their answer and can begin the process of moving on. Maybe it wasn’t a full on relationship, but ultimately, in dating, it’s hard not to develop expectations and hopes in someone you like. Maybe they are dating other people and can take that guy up on a date that they hadn’t considered. Maybe they can change plans this weekend to go see friends instead of the date they had planned with you. Basically, you are freeing them immediately.
Ghosting, where you ignore that text, you are occupying space you don’t deserve until they figure it out. They might turn down that date with the other guy figuring you got busy at work and will call any minute. Maybe they think your phone isn’t working so they assume the date for this weekend is still on. You have moved on while they are still think you are with them, but busy.
If you couple ghosting with the advice here on giving guys space and being rather minimal with communication, you can realistically assume that it takes 4-5 days before someone is going to get your hint.
It’s nothing but rude. If you sleep with someone or go on a physical date with them, ignoring their text is just 100% rude and makes you a bad person. You simply should not date if you can’t handle a simple “this isn’t going to work for me” message.December 30, 2018 at 3:15 am #734015
I have read this entitre thread and here I am with my question. I hope this is still active and someone can help. I have dated this guy for 8 months. The first 2 were great, then he started school and a part time job. He also has a career. Anyway, the communication has suffered because of the additional duties. Texts, dates and calls and became fewer. But we still made time…moslty me asking and him agreeing. I thought it was becoming too much,so I tried to give him an out a twice, a couple of months apart. Twice he assured me that he wanted to continue dating, that he was enjoying himself and wanted to see where things would go. Even though he didn’t have a relationship, he was only dating me. Recently, he called over the holidays, but didn’t call back for day and a half. I was a little hurt, so I texted him about it…nothing rude, just a “what happened” type text. He called an hour after I texted and I missed the call because I was shopping. I called him back the next morning twice and he didnt answer. I called him again the following day once and he didn’t answer. It’s been 2 days since his last call. He’s on break from school, his PT job and his main job, so he’s not busy. Is he ghosting me? If so, should I text him about ghosting me?December 30, 2018 at 12:03 pm #734044
Anon, I think it’s a little too soon to assume he’s ghosting. It sounds like both of you are busy and playing phone tag, not that he’s ignoring you.
I thought my boyfriend was ghosting on me a few months ago because he wasn’t answering texts/calls and it turns out he’d been transported by ambulance to the hospital and left his phone in his apartment. Not to say that it’s always the case, but don’t automatically assume someone his ghosting, especially when there’s extenuating circumstances. You have to have a little faith sometimes, too.December 30, 2018 at 12:28 pm #734051
I find that if a person behaves in a rude way where it is easy not to, then you are foolish to expect anything good of them in other situations.
Your guy is being rude to you. Stop reaching out and stop responding to him. If he reaches out normally, with a message or a question, then you can reply.
People who like to ignore others HATE it when they are being ignored. They usually have an inflated sense of pride but totally ok to undermine other people’s pride.
I believe that this behaviour is a very good “measure” of a person. Granted, there are some odd cases of anti-social folks whose mothers raised them in a barn, they can be sweethearts deep down but with very terrible manners. But this is very rare. very rare, especially these days when people are raised with their phones next to their milk bottle. LOL These days, more than ever, communication style is a BIG indicator of a person’s character.
Learn to walk away from bad cases. You are not desperate, you don’t have to “fix” and “fight” for things. It would result in you paying for therapy. it is much SAFER to walk away from poor behaviour and ONLY keep those people around who do not exhibit this behaviour. If you end up with 2 friends as opposed to 20 fake ones, this is much better still. If oyu end up dating 2 guys and not 20, it is likewise much better. because with good guys you won’t get the baggage and won’t be paying for therapy if you happen to break up. Your self esteem is not going to be tarnished and stepped on, you are unlikely to be cheated on or emotionally abused.
Pay attention to the man’s moral behaviour in terms of normal human standards. Do not dive in denial with his career etc. Unless he is in a hospital, like someone else, nothing is an excuse for impolite ignorant behaviour.
General politeness is the number one MUST have thing in a guy. If you witness rudeness at the start, what do you think would come from this person later? Politeness and manners need to come first, but then you need to observe his character and his heart.
If you don’t want to experience bad things in life, do no settle on angry, cynical, manipulative men. Do not try to make things “work” with them. Walk away. keep yourself free to meet decent and kind men.December 30, 2018 at 8:20 pm #734114
Thank you both SOOOO much. I knew tge thread was old, but was hoping someone could give clear insight. BOTH of you gave me points to ponder. From what I gather from you both is that it may not be ghosting, but is still rude if there is not a rational explaination for the silence.
We are both visiting relatives, but I figured he would squeeze in more time to talk since we couldn’t see each other. Our last convo was fun, so not hearing from him bothered me and my imagination started running.
I still have not heard from him, so today (which isn’t over yet) makes day 3 since his last call. I took your suggestion and did not call him because I did that the previous days.
Should I continue to wait for him to call with an explaination, or should I reach out text him after a point to ask if things are okay????
Again…8 months is still new, so I don’t want to ignore signs, but I also don’t want to over react by calling him out through text and be in error.