Do ghosters come back?


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This topic contains 125 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  krystal 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #738039 Reply

    Amy

    I think if you think like a man relationships are not as difficult to manage these days. Women are behind in the changes that are occurring in relationships- men are at a huge advantage over women right now and I think it will be just a matter of time before we all see what’s happening and rebalance this power.

    #738047 Reply

    Anon

    Amy can you elaborate on that because I am serious when I say I want to learn how to do that. Don’t want to hurt like this again. Maybe I should have been rational and not believed he was still interested when he was still planning, talking, complimenting, texting and phoning up until the last minute. Maybe I should have realized he was ‘probably trying out ‘other people at the same time. Is that dating like a man or just taking it casual? How r they way ahead of us?

    #738049 Reply

    ShelleyM

    What Lane said. 100%. Almost everyone who posts here about being “ghosted” is misusing the term.

    #738062 Reply

    Amy

    What I’m saying is that we give away way too much. We do this through texting, social media , and we put false hopes into this. Guys have never wanted to do all the work to get a girl to havexsex with them and now all they have to do is text- hey beautiful or like something we have posted on social media and we think it means something. It means nothing. Following through on plans, not buying everything he is saying, and watching all of his actions is what we have to do. How do you do this- a guy you like texts- hey- how’s it going gorgeous? You respond- doing great! And that’s it- you don’t have to encourage another thought because texting means nothing- it’s fun but means nothing. As women we put way too much credibility in superficial intimacy and then become intimate and then we are shocked when we encounter the guy who walks away or makes no effort any longer. We need to make them do some real work to get you.

    #738088 Reply

    anon

    “Women are behind in the changes that are occurring in relationships- men are at a huge advantage over women right now ”

    It’s only a small percentage of men that have the advantage. A lot of women no longer need to rely on men and a lot of men are liabilities to women who can support themselves. So yes, good, solid, well employed men do have an advantage because the pool of dateable men is so much smaller.

    What I think needs to be worked out now is simple etiquette around “casual” relationships and how that works going forward. Just because you don’t have a commitment doesn’t make it OK to treat each other poorly. Telling women (and men) that they are at fault when someone ghosts is not the solution. The solution is simply a new set of rules that relates to the casual relationships that become the norm when commitment ceases to be in our best interests.

    #738092 Reply

    Anon

    I agree with both of you. You r right Amy, actions are what matter and we need to hold back our feelings. Since we are women and that doesn’t come naturally I guess that means filling your time with things you love (Missy), dating several men at once initially and learning to stop, look, evaluate before responding or jumping.

    #738961 Reply

    MS

    KK, I’m curious… did he ever come back? I was ghosted too…, he came back after a month like nothing happened with no apology…a little excuse but not really sorry for what he did and I didn’t hold him as accountable as I should have. Anyway, we got back together (sort of) for a couple of months only for me to be ghosted again. Now it’s been about 2 months and I still haven’t heard from him…

    #739740 Reply

    Autumn Falls

    Hey all, I stumbled across this post and I am in the middle of grieving my “ghosting”. In a nutshell I was talking to this guy while I was going through my survey recovery process and my mother’s death anniversary. He was acting super into me and I tend to be skeptical of things like that because didn’t meet in person yet. We were talking, facetiming, and texting everyday. He was telling me how much he was into me and how he sees this working. When I healed we went out things were fine talking like usual and I established the do we still like each other after we meet in person. Second time I went over to his place cooked I stayed the night told him I think we are dating and explained what I think dating means he agreed and said ” this is definitely going to work out between us” I stayed the night. We continued talking like normal. 5 days later I ask him was he free for a date this weekend he said no I said ok then he went ghost.

    I felt extremely anxious during this time because I thought every thing was fine I reached out maybe 3 times and said my final piece like if you arent into me anymore just tell me instead of leaving my messages on read. No response.

    He blocked me on social then my friend called him out which I think made things worse but it did force him to give me an answer. The answer sucked “Basically started talking to and ex again and it was best for him to cut ties with me and that I was too comfortable for someone he was still getting to know.” While he was the one saying he wants me to be over all the time, wants us to sleep together and even invited me to go to Canada (which was a huge ask for only been talking a month). Also, I told him that I was remaining celibate until i was in a committed relationship.

    So its been a few weeks but I still find myself grieving and I am tired of grieving. Does anyone have times on how to speed up the grieving process?

    #739742 Reply

    Better off Single

    It sucks when you open your heart like that only for it to get stomped on. I’ve been there and there is really no process to get over it faster other than breathe and tell yourself you’re gonna be ok. I’m sorry it happened to you.

    #739752 Reply

    Emma

    I am sorry for how you feel. But please do not confuse this for feelings for him. it is your ego that is healing, it is not real “grief”. You were hit into the heart, he treated you in a very harsh and cruel manner. You are healing from that.

    To speed up this process what helps me is to assume responsibility for some part. To review mistakes you’ve made that nudged the situation into this outcome. And you did make those mistakes!

    Once you clear those mistakes that you made, and and assess HIS actions accordingly (a person without consideration for others, with no empathy)), once you understand that it is your wounded ego that has been hurting, you’d feel much better.

    #739773 Reply

    Autumn Falls

    Hey thanks guys. I do realize my ego is really hurt especially since I don’t really date I tend to tread carefully. I feel as though I should’ve saw the signs since he was coming on super strong. As I reflected there was things I could’ve done differently but I still feel as tho my feelings didn’t deserve to be disregarded in such a way. I wish that healing could happen faster but it is a process. I appreciate y’all responses. But being ghosted really f****ing sucks.

    #739778 Reply

    Better off single

    and and assess HIS actions accordingly (a person without consideration for others, with no empathy)

    You have no idea what the ghoster is going through that’s an assumption thinking this person lacks consideration and empathy.

    #739782 Reply

    Autumn Falls

    Better off single, I was thinking like that at first but I fell into n anxious spiral as he was leaving my messages on read (read receipts were in) early in the situation I told him I don’t like to be ignored because one of my exes use to ghost me often. I said I am big on communication. I said if you ever lose interest let me know he agreed and I agreed to do the same then he ghosted me after I told him how much it triggers me. I think he was being very inconsiderate and cold. I tried to think about what he was going through but then I remembered he isn’t thinking about what I am going through.

    #739789 Reply

    Wynona

    Just because he’s not thinking about what you’re going through doesn’t mean he’s not going through something.

    Assume responsibility for some part. Review mistakes you’ve made that nudged the situation into this outcome. And you did make those mistakes! Just don’t talk to him anymore when he answers if you feel that burned by it. Problem solved right? Would that make you feel justified?

    if you ever lose interest let me know he agreed and I agreed to do the same then he ghosted me….It wasn’t verbal but he still let you know.

    #739798 Reply

    anon

    Grieving? After 2 dates? It sounds a little crazy. You chatted to a guy for a few weeks. It’s not real till you meet. Yet on your first date you already expected a commitment and told him you’re dating and you’re expectations etc. You didn’t even take your time to see if you actually like him, or get to know him. You just wanted to jump into a super serious relationship immediately. When men do that with me, I bail at lightning speed.

    #739989 Reply

    Lady D

    So, I’m thinking back to all the guys I dated in my 20s before there was text and social media. Sometimes I would sleep with them, sometimes I wouldn’t but if I didn’t want to see them again… I just stopped taking their phone calls. I don’t remember it being such a big deal. It happened in reverse, too. A few of them just stopped calling me. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but giving it a name and making a big deal about it just seems to prolong the agony.

    They just aren’t that into you.

    #745534 Reply

    LC

    I am currently trying to get over a ghosting situation. We only dated 3 months, but by the end we were in a supposedly exclusive relationship that he escalated heavily the entire time. I’m very cautious and I don’t date much. He pursued me. He wanted to text and talk on the phone every day. He told his children, siblings, friends, and co-workers about me. He wanted me to meet his kids just a week before he ghosted, but I said it wasn’t the right time yet. He was immediately bringing me around his friends and incorporating me into his life. His actions and words were consistent and loving. He said many future-forward words that shouldn’t be said if you’re not sincere (I’m falling in love with you, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you, etc.) He even started helping me fix things around my home voluntarily. I was honestly freaked out by how fast everything was going, but his actions were matching his words so I started to believe this could be “it.” He was a phenomenal communicator. All was going well until one day he became distant. Long story, but communication became inconsistent for several days, to the point that I said we should just let it go if communicating with me had become an issue. We met face to face, where instead of taking the way out I had given him, he doubled down and said he needed me in his life, recognized his communication inconsistencies when he becomes overwhelmed with other things in life, and he’d do anything to make this work. He literally said, “Do I have permission to keep falling in love with you?” Smooth, right? Well, fast forward two weeks from that conversation and he does the same thing. Everything was great until within 24 hours it wasn’t. I tried to connect with him to see what was going on and he blew me off with “I’m busy doing x,y,z” texts for two days. He was overwhelmed by work, kids, etc. Then he stopped texting completely and blocked me on IG, but oddly nowhere else. He wouldn’t take my calls. I was in shock. On a hunch I went back on the dating app we met on and sure enough he already had a new profile. So I went ahead and blocked him on everything else. I’m heartbroken by how he did this. I did nothing to deserve such a harsh rejection. He could have just texted, “I changed my mind and I don’t want to do this” then blocked me. It would have hurt, but not like this. I’m not devastated about breaking up and letting go of future plans. I’m upset by his utter disrespect for my feelings or well-being. I’m upset I allowed someone into my life to treat me like this. I’m upset by his lies and pushing his agenda into my life only to walk away on his terms as well. There is nothing normal or sane about someone that can say and do all of those things then drop a person like they meant nothing. He didn’t even respect me as a human being with feelings. There is no excuse for this level of ghosting. I did absolutely nothing to deserve it and it is a terrible way for someone to act. I will move on and I know I will be just fine. Regardless, this has been one of the most painful breakups because of how he handled it.

    #745538 Reply

    anon

    You certainly sound like you have the right mindset, that you did not deserve it and he treated you horribly.

    Because no one deserves to be dumped like that.

    #745548 Reply

    fox

    Anon and Autmn Falls… im so sorry it happened to you. Im kind of the same situation, although he never technically ghosted on me. But he left me hanging and guessing and the story is kind of similar – a guy who was so constant with his intentions, wishes, feelings, plans of the future, wanted to make things work just dropped out from his feelings after 6 months intense communications. Feelings and caring was there and overnight he changed his mind and left me guessing and hanging without any proper explanation. Although I still think I deserved that – first time in my life I feel I did everything right from my side – he lead me to believe that it is a real thing. We were even exclusive. Im a person who takes things seriously, I grew my feelings slowly, but all of his actions lead me to believe he is serious. Lesson learned, but obviously it made me hurt, anxious and confused. I still am after 3 months.

    Despite of every different opinion in here – I strongly believe that people still owe honesty and respect to end things normally. It’s just right thing to let another person to know it won’t work out and explain why if needed. Because it’s just RIGHT thing to do. It let’s another person to move on with dignity at least.

    Ok, I admit that explanation can be different taking account was it just few dates; not giving promises… or when it was a thing towards becoming a committed relationship. But even those persons who you went out just few times and didn’t feel that it won’t go anywhere – they deserve few lines of explanation, instead leaving a person guessing and hanging.

    Also, it’s probably cultural difference – in my country it’s not common to do multiple dating at the same time. If you meet someone, it kind of means that you are interested seeing where things go, without dating multiple people at the same time.

    Im sorry that nowadays word has turned into consuming. You don’t owe to be committed to anybody who you feel is not right to you, but you owe these few lines at least “hey, Im sorry, but let’s move on separately, because of x or y reasons”. We consume people, their time, their hopes, their feelings. If you feel it won’t work out, why just not let another person to know, instead of dropping out of planet.

    #745555 Reply

    to LC

    LC,
    This is just an example of how important it is to listen to your gut. You said “I was honestly freaked out by how fast everything was going, but his actions were matching his words so I started to believe this could be “it.””

    That was your gut telling you to listen. We all want to believe there are exceptions to the rule, but any man who can lay it on like that so quickly and heavily can easily do the opposite. Which is what you just went through. I honestly don’t think people like that think they are lying. I think he probably believed what he said and did in the beginning — but people like that are flaky and fickle.

    I can empathize with the pain caused just by how he ended it. I’ve been there. People don’t have a right to wreak havoc on other people’s hearts but it happens. In my case I just used it to learn from — to never do that to anyone, and to listen to my gut. And I’ve followed that — there have been guys that I wished I could just ghost but I didn’t. I ‘womaned up’ and ended things clearly and respectfully — I even had one guy yell at me with a litany of insults. I knew he was just hurt and promptly said goodbye, then blocked him from contacting me ever again. But my point is, I will never disappear, I will give others the respect that I wanted and deserved from that guy who ghosted me. That’s my point. Unless personal safety is involved, I’ll end things how I want people to end things with me, and hopefully those I end things with will go on and conduct themselves in the same manner in this dating madness. It’s a crapshoot but it’s the harder path I don’t mind taking.

    #745558 Reply

    fox

    and one more example – ok, I was in “power level” with him, because he wanted probably more than me (I wasn’t and Im still not over my previous guy, I just thought that I should start to meet new people and give them a chance, but while being out with them I just felt that I can’t yet give them the same affection back which they deserve, including hugging& kissing etc). Anyway, this guy who I went out only few times within really short time frame (!) wrote me a really nice and respectful message that he has been thinking about it and he feels that we should not meet each other more, because he can read from my body language that I’m not interested. And it was a respectful thing to do from him and I respect him because of that – those few nice lines just let me know that it won’t go anywhere. He should not have done it, especially the “problem” was in me. But it was a nice thing to do from him. And not just drop out.

    #745560 Reply

    Emma

    Ladies I am completely with you. It is quite bizzare – and very sad – that we have to reiterate and fight and insist that disappearing and vanishing is a cruel, disrespectful behavior. In any circumstances, but especially if there was already something going on between people, with labels or not. Even after one date it is still rude. The very fact that we have to fight off those who insist there is nothing wrong with it, shows just how trashy are the times we live in.

    It is also quite sociopathic to insist that there is no difference between a person vanishing and a person ending things with you normally. Every normal human being would know that there is a HUGE difference and that it is much more damaging and hurtful to have someone just vanish than end things with you first. I can only begin to imagine how awful it feels if it comes from a guy you actually dated. I was ignored when I tried to reach out, and it felt horrible. If it came from someone I dated, I don’t even know what to say.

    Ladies, if this happens to you, do not keep it inside. Give those morons a piece of your mind. LOL This will spoil their day, maybe even several days, and it would also help you to move on. If someone punches you in your face, are you going to stay there and do nothing? Then they’d keep on punching. If not you, then others. If every time someone got a punch back when they insulted you or hurt you without any good reason (how hard is it to sent a quick text and then block a person if you don’t want to talk?), then next time they’d think twice.

    The same goes for physical violence. When a man hits a woman, he knows she is weaker and can’t fight back. That he can overpower her and hurt her even more. Let him try and punch a big guy. What do you think will happen? And unsurprisingly, all those anger management issues get immediately under control – when they dealing with big guys. Abusers learn how to control their urges very quickly this way.

    Every time someone as much as attempts to insult you, punch back and punch hard. Do not let any underhanded remark slide by. Confront them and repeat it and ask what they mean by that. And if they do anything other than apologize, you make sure they get to hear from you on this and do not try to be tactful. There won’t be too many attempts after that. Abusers abuse those who let them. They do not abuse “big guys”. And if there are some attempts again, then walk away immediately. Do not try to understand his past, his reasons, do not try to fix or work on things. Be smart and walk away.

    In this case, when someone sais “do I have your permission to continue to fall for you”, my “phony bologny” alarms would go off. What man would talk this way? it is not smooth, it is so cheesy I have no words. Likewise, if the guy is moving THAT fast, it would end up being a problem, so a good reason NOT to proceed.

    It is on us to learn how to protect and defend ourselves. It starts with “screening”. it takes smarts to walk away from “flagy” men. Those who wave red or yellow flags. Moving too fast is one of the top 10 red flags. Men date dozens women and if they see “red” flags or something they don’t like, they do not proceed, women agree to every second date they are asked on, it seems. Be more discerning. It is better to be single than dealing with the aftermath of being involved with dorks.

    #745569 Reply

    LC

    Thank you for the responses. Yes, I’m kicking myself a bit. Lesson learned. While I’m super cynical, I guess I also wanted to believe in something I’ve never had. I don’t say things I can’t back up. I have also ended ridiculous relationships by communicating and trying to “end well.” I do not have a right to wreak havoc on others by being a coward. I forgot everyone doesn’t operate this way. I will be fine. If he continues to be this person, he will not be fine. You can’t go through life devaluing others and be a whole human being.

    #745643 Reply

    Krystal

    I was ghosted about a month ago it was going the serious direction.. we were both casually dating.. he did come back this week. He started making small talk on Sunday.. then I asked why is he back now.. he apologized and said he was going through some things and what he did was wrong, so he took responsibility. We are meeting up tomorrow to have an honest conversation, then I will decide if this is worth my time. So yes, in this case the ghoster came back.. I also did not pursue or write any messages and just put focus on me. So I’m in a healthier place too. This forum helps a lot.

    #745646 Reply

    anon

    Krystal,
    I would walk. There is nothing you are going thru in life that is so stressful that you can’t communicate to someone who asks about you that you need some space or time. You are always going to be wondering if he is coming back when he takes some space or gets busy. Unless it truly did not bother you, it’s going to make you sensitive to communication patterns.

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