Do ghosters come back?


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  • #715963 Reply

    Lane

    I’m going to cut right to the chase; men take longer to know how they really feel about you on a deeper level.

    Its like the shiny coin syndrome’ they wine and dine you, show you how great of a partner they would make and then BAM he starts thinking “this isn’t something I’m ready for long term” and bounces—disappears into the night without a peep. The reason they drop off like that is because they truly HATE hurting a lady and subconsciously believe that its best if they disapper v. telling her she’s not someone he can see a future with.

    The reason he left is he couldn’t fall in love with you in the way he needs to fall in love with a woman in order to continue—that’s the nuts and bolts of it. Think of a time you dated someone and just couldn’t fall in love with him that way…same concept. The answer to your question however is YES, he MIGHT pop back in but it may not be for the reason you hope for and unless he confesses he royally screwed up, that he does in fact love you and wants to be with you and only you I would not give him a second of your time. If its a lame “how are ya?” don’t respond. If its a knock on your door with a bouquet of flowers, a sincere apology, and I was a fool for letting you go…only then should you consider seeing him again, albeit cautiously.

    I’ve had a couple men come back. Although they didn’t disappear like yours did, we just stopped seeing each other due to distance (military/work); however when they did they stepped up in a very HUGE WAY—married the first (lasted 20+ years) and my current BF of 18 months. Just know I never thought I would see or be with them again, in my mind it was over and never anticipated or even expected it to work out the way it did—sometimes life’s full of surprises!

    #715970 Reply

    KK

    I tried defining our relationship at 3 months and just dropped out of nowhere

    #715971 Reply

    KK

    Eh I’d like to think I’m giving him space and time but I’m feeling more pathetic every day knowing he’s there and isn’t reaching out

    #715972 Reply

    Lane

    I know it sucks when you want a relationship with someone but they don’t want it with you. It will hurt and sting for a bit but you will recover and eventually meet the guy who would never dream of leaving or hurting you this way! He’s out there, you just haven’t crossed paths yet.

    I find doing this worked for me when it didn’t pan out. Envision yourself in the driver’s seat of a car. Put him in your rear view mirror, wave goodbye, look forward, punch the gas and keep your mind open towards a better destination. This mental vision helped me move on much quicker and faster v. wallowing in despair. Best to take control early on or you risk falling into a depression or meeting that person your meant to be with. No man is worth that.

    #715994 Reply

    Emma

    I don’t see how it matters who slow or fast men fall in love and what they feel. What matters is that those people who ghost have no concern for others. This is a classic sociopathic behaviour trend. Unless the other party abused you or did something horrible, ghosting has no excuse.

    @KK, have you read anything on this thread? He is not reaching out..Duh! He is a ghost, he feels totally cool with this behaviour. Just get it please!

    #715998 Reply

    Lane

    Emma, I highly disagree with you!

    What’s the DIFFERENCE between someone having ‘the talk” or going on the “permanent walk?” Nothing, the result and the hurt is the same so why it drag it out if a relationship hasn’t even been formed yet? If a store clerk just stops showing up for work and was never heard from again would you call them a sociopath? If a patient didn’t show up at their appointed time and never heard from again would they be called a sociopath? Of course not because people are FREE to decide what’s best for them. In this case, he knew it would be a waste of his time and energy telling her he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her; whereby she would still be an emotional wreck and he’d still leave!

    If there’s been no relationship formed then its just dating; whereby a man is under no legal or moral obligation to get into a relationship with a woman just because he dates her for a bit, and neither is a woman! If a true bond had been established here then this would have be cruel but none was at least on his end, and he’s free to walk away when he longer want to continue something he doesn’t want.

    This term ghosting is being overused and abused!!! It was once called “abandonment” when marriage was the norm and one of the partners walked away never to be seen or heard from again. Ghosting is essentially the same thing except a marriage didn’t occur but property and/or children are involved. This isn’t a new concept—-has been going on for centuries!

    #716001 Reply

    Emma

    The result is still the same. Lane, what kind of logic is that? Of course it makes a difference how you breakup. Why do you defend ghosting and trying to justify it or even excuse it?

    Ghosting or abandonment, whatever you want to call it, and how does it change things that it’s been around for centurie? It’s like saying murder has been around for centuries or anything else. So? Does it make it better?

    The difference is that these days it is very prevalent, happens very often. The social norms of conduct and politeness have degraded to the lowest levels it seems. We even have to prove and defend and argue the point that is self evident actually.

    #716019 Reply

    Lane

    Emma, they were not in a relationship. She posted a few messages up “I tried defining our relationship at 3 months and just dropped out of nowhere.”

    They were never a couple so how can someone break up with someone they were never in a relationship with??? He opted to stop seeing her because he didn’t want a relationship with her and its his choice and right to do so. Just because a man dates a woman for a bit doesn’t mean he has to jump through hoops to end something that never started.

    I don’t know why women think dating is any different or special than anything else people do whether its picking/choosing a doctor, car, job, home, friendship, hair dresser, roommate, college, hobby…list is endless. If they decide its not someone they want to continue with either party FREE to stop planning or accepting dates with that person—that’s the point I’m trying to make.

    Of course it would be courteous/nice if the guy said “I’ve decided I don’t want to date you any longer, your a great person but I’m just not feeling it in the way I need to in order to continue this” and the woman responded with “I’m sorry to hear that but I understand and wish you luck in love and life.” Sadly, that’s now how it goes, the woman refuses to ACCEPT IT and tries everything or anything to ‘get him back’ even though she never really had him. This is why guys prefer to take the permanent walk v. having to go through the ringer.

    #716032 Reply

    KK

    But dating is different from choosing a hairdresser, doctor, or whatever. Your feelings and vulnerabilities are involved? I’m not just a hairstyle you can try on? And that’s what I’m so upset about is the idea that people have become so disposable? We shouldn’t allow that. I can’t help feeling hurt and I am trying to move on. But it’s hard to get pass the hurt because of how things ended. I’m a human being too.

    #716034 Reply

    alia

    I am also starting to think whether ghosting is better than saying something and dragging things out. In some ways it’s harder to ghost or stop calling (that’s what they called it in the old days) with all the social media, and you’re always “Facebook friends” anyway. Maybe silence is clearest message some of these men are capable of putting out, they are only acting out of self preservation, and maybe we can just respect their choice.

    #716055 Reply

    Emma

    Lane, I don’t know what else I can say if you really think that 3 months of dating “but not in a relationship” is an excuse to behave like an a-hole.

    And what women do after they are told it is over does not really apply to what a guy does first. It is HIS action that we are talking about.

    You don’t need to sign any agreements, verbal or otherwise, to have decency when dealing with people.

    And oyu don’t need to explain WHY a-holes do what they do because they would always find reasons to behave like a-holes. A person’s decency is theirs and theirs only. The only reason to ghost is when you were insulted or abused. No other reasons are reasons, they are excuses that a-holes use.

    #716080 Reply

    Lane

    KK, Dating a man is no different than meeting anyone else, whereby some develop into friendships or relationships, personal or professional and many do not. A man is not obligated to get into a relationship with you just because he takes you on some dates and that’s the lesson in this. There are many risks you take in your daily life, some you can control like paying rent on time; but others you cannot such as being selected for a job and that’s a fact of life—dating falls in line with the latter.

    You can’t control how people feel about you. Like they say people come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason and best to treat each experience as a learning lesson. What did you learn from this person and experience? You will be surprised as time passes that each individual you meet came with a purpose and left when that purpose was completed, irregardless of the intent of the purpose.

    He taught you a lesson, no differently than your parents, teachers, bosses, and others you’ve learned from on the journey of life—some easier some harder. You will learn many more as you age and hopefully in doing so be able to spot a good man which may take a few more trials and tribulations before you can know. Trust me, it will look and feel the OPPOSITE of what you experienced when you experience it. He did you favor by not stringing you along longer than he did, be thankful for that.

    #716084 Reply

    Becky

    I like the analogy of a doctor or hairdresser in comparison to a guy you are dating. I think women should treat it the same but at 3 months- think of the amount of texts that have been exchanged between such woman and guy- way more than you would with a hairdresser or doctor. So women are establishing a so called fake relationship with a man via text and since guys do not bond whatsoever with texts- it is completely one sided in terms of the “bond”. Then when the guy decides he doesn’t want to be with the woman anymore he walks away as no bond was ever established. We as women need to slow it down on the intimate exchange using text as we become falsely in a relationship that the man was never really in and when they walk away we think how horrible this was. Back in the day a guy just never called you back on the phone- but you as the woman never gave too much away about yourself via text and were equitable in terms of sharing intimate information in person when you went on a date.

    #716101 Reply

    Lane

    Great post Becky! That’s what I’ve been trying to relay and hopefully the OP gets it and learns from it.

    The difference between men and woman is that MAJORITY of man (there are those few exceptions) is they don’t get bent out of shape when you stop responding and are able to ACCEPT that anon response is a response: “I’m not interested in pursuing this.” I hated having to tell a guy “why” I no longer wanted to see because the cold hard TRUTH is: “I didn’t like him enough” or “like him enough that way” and having to tell them that v. no longer responding is a much better way of ending it IMO.

    Dating shouldn’t be this hard.

    #716129 Reply

    Really

    I agree with Lane and Emma on aspects of their responses. I agree with Emma that a guy who ghosts is showing an especially unattractive brand of inconsiderateness that speaks volumes about him. I don’t necessarily think it scream “sociopath” every time, but it doesn’t exactly scream “sweetheart” either, and I think that may be what Lane is fighting back on. Sometimes men are just cowards. We don’t have to like it, but we aren’t going to change them. Men have been backing out of relationships in less-than-ceremonious ways forever, and they will continue to do so. So the best thing we can do as women to protect ourselves is to always know in the back of our minds that this type of behavior is a possibility, and go into new relationships with a dash of caution in addition to our hopefulness.

    #716130 Reply

    Shoshannah

    There was actually psychological research (actual data and published articles) on how ghosting may affect the person on the receiving end and the conclusions were univocal – it is much more diffuclt to be dumped like this than to be dumped in a regular way (with a talk or at least a message). I don’t think this result is surprising at all – often you just don’t know what happened with your lover, if he died or had an accident – so it’s no surprise that you keep obsessing – but psychologists done their work to establish and proof this result clearly.

    I don’t know about sociopaths and differences between 3 months, 6 months and marriages, but I’m pretty sure that it is not a better way to end things with someone.

    #716132 Reply

    anon

    Lane, just NO. Don’t excuse poor behavior from men using psychobabble. Unless someone is completely socially inept they know and understand that just disappearing is a bad thing to do. Most people can come up with a decent excuse to end a relationship that doesn’t fully insult the other person. “I just don’t feel the spark” “I’m not ready for a relationship” “We just are at different places in life”. Obviously none of this applies for all of the “relationships” people thought they had after 2 dates or 6 months of texting and never meeting….

    The men that ghosted me were actually on some level misogynists. In a few cases, they were justified. Universally a woman had hurt them in the past, so they pay it forward in some way. Passive aggressive comes to mind.

    A guy you dated for a few months, slept with, made plans with, began to emotionally connect with is a whole lot different than your hairdresser or doctor. Unless you really kept dates to dinner and idle conversation, you were on your way to developing a bond with someone. I don’t see a future with my hairdresser. I haven’t been vulnerable with my hairdresser. I haven’t risked rejection with my hairdresser. My hairdresser is a transaction- I pay her for a service.

    Men know full well that a few months into dating, any woman is likely connecting on some level- or she would not stick around unless it’s a financial support thing. And of course, we get to know people slowly and sure, at any point someone can just stop being the right person. But you step up and say something and extract yourself- otherwise you take up emotional space that you don’t deserve.

    Maybe there are a few men that think “well, I like her, but not that way, probably easiest if I just go poof and in a few weeks she will get the hint and it’s truly nicer than just ending it with words”. I mean, if you still think that guys, enjoy being delusional. You are hurting the women who trust you.

    #716199 Reply

    Lane

    Anon, I simply disagree because we would have less of this happening if it worked. Do you know how many posts there are of women trying to “get a men back” when they no longer want to see them? TONS. Its an epidemic where women drunk call, go on emotional text rants, stalk them on social media, try to sex them, show up at their place and confront them…the list is endless!

    Honestly, “netflix and chill” is now considered dating so you can’t blame the guys for bouncing when the lady gets on the oxytocin crazy train.

    #716212 Reply

    Emma

    It is very sad and almost unbelievable that we have to argue about some very obvious things. Most normal people understand that ghosting a woman after 3 months is a terrible thing to do. Only a-hole would do such a thing. Ok maybe not a sociopath 100% but with a strong tendency towards it. Meaning no consideration for another person. Maybe even enjoying the hurt they had caused.

    Not sure why Lane is defending men here against all rhyme and reason, explaining and justifying their behaviour. How does calling someone a coward make it better? Of course those who do that are cowards, but not only that, they are more. They have no consideration for another person whatsoever. And we don’t need any studies to prove the obvious. If I punch you in the face it would hurt. How many studies do you need to prove it? Duh!

    We live in weird times..some very obvious things have to be “proven”.

    #716213 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Yes, yet many people believe that it’s ok to ghost. I even came across an opinion that it is “more classy” to just stop replying. Weird times indeed. Thankfully, not all men are like this. I know plenty of men who would never imagine that this is even an option to ghost. I believe my man is one of them, although I have no proof because we never broke up :)

    #716227 Reply

    Alex

    Yes they Do! Mine just decided to disappear for 1month & text “hey” like nothing is wrong. I’ve been ignoring, he keeps texting “hello, come over, hey”! Nothing of substance & def not acknowledging what he did … not worth time or energy anymore. I feel like he will always be this person, on & off for 7yrs after all!
    Do not give them fuel to their pathetic fire … let them burn out!

    #716256 Reply

    anon

    “Anon, I simply disagree because we would have less of this happening if it worked. Do you know how many posts there are of women trying to “get a men back” when they no longer want to see them? TONS. Its an epidemic where women drunk call, go on emotional text rants, stalk them on social media, try to sex them, show up at their place and confront them…the list is endless!”

    Men do the same things. Personally, I don’t do that stuff. Also, women do that stuff if they get ghosted. The one guy who ghosted me told me about a girl he was dating who just showed up at his place without warning while he was with another woman. Well, you probably ghosted her and she got anxious and showed up.

    The last guy who ended it with me simply said he wasn’t feeling spark. I replied “thanks for letting me know, I enjoyed our time together. Best of luck.” That drama? An oxycontin train? Or the guy who broke up with me last summer – he met someone else- my response “Bummer, I really liked you but have fun and keep in touch”.

    There are scads of really nice rational women like me who get ghosted. I’m sure there are high drama women, but men should be able to sort thru who is psycho and who isn’t pretty quickly.

    Also, yeah, some women will blow up at you. But how about ending it with them, THEN after you send the “this is over” message, just block them. But at least tell them.

    #716261 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Of course! You can definitely expect drama when you ghost because it’s you who is creating the drama, instead of acting like a mature normal person and break up normally. Obviously, a woman (or man) will be calling, showing up, crying, nervous when she doesn’t know wth happened to her boyfriend. I really know of situations, where the woman thought that maybe he’s dead orhad an accident. was she supposed to say just ok, so what, move on? or is it natural that she tried contacting his friends, mother and so on. but if someone does something like this aftrer you did break up normally, this is stalking and you have all the right to block them (or call the police).

    #716294 Reply

    Lane

    The stark difference between me and others is I don’t start out “dating.” I start out getting to know someone first BEFORE I formally date them which is when we have come to a mutual decision we only want to be with each other (in a relationship) so to avoid the pitfall—does he like me, does he not? Until then I’m single and free to mingle, meet others and do what I want, when I want, anytime I want and with whomever I want or not!

    I was SHOCKED to see how different dating had become after being married for 20+ years—it was like being dropped on a different planet! I was forced to navigate all these new “minefields” such as the internet and texting (the worst) v. meeting men in real life (the best) like I used to. I went on long dating hiatuses because it had become so whacked I didn’t want to be involved in it at all and was easier to be single and happy v. dating and unhappy with the crappy pool of men I was meeting! Its become a dating F@!KFEST.

    I had never ‘bounced’ (stopped engaging/disappeared) so much in my life and only did so because the QUALITY of men I met post marriage v. pre-marriage, really sucked! I was finally able to find A GEM and I did it my old school way—not having any expectations beyond what it was, just getting to know him like I do with anyone else I meet and only entering into a relationship when I KNEW it was one. At any time before that either of us were free to stop for whatever reason.

    If you all want to INSTA-DATE, start out the gate in “relationship mode”, that’s your prerogative but I don’t so I will STAND BY MY BELIEF that someone you spent a brief amount of time with is under no obligation to formally end something that never got off the ground. If they want to fine, if not, that’s fine too—the end result is still the same. I take FULL OWNERSHIP for MY EMOTIONS. If I get a crush, too far ahead or fall in love with a man who isn’t feeling the same way, then that’s MY FAULT not his, so I’m not inclined to take the ‘victim role’ and BLAME a guy for at least trying but not able to get there. If you do, fine but I don’t and won’t.

    #716307 Reply

    anon

    “I had never ‘bounced’ (stopped engaging/disappeared) so much in my life and only did so because the QUALITY of men I met post marriage v. pre-marriage, really sucked! ”

    So what you are saying is that you were rude enough to ghost on men who took you out on dates. Was it that hard when they asked for a second to say “No thanks, I’ve moved on?”. I mean, unless a guy is an absolute jerk, just ghosting because they weren’t good looking or well employed or whatever is straight up rude.

    I guess since you did it to people, you are OK with it happening to you. But this is happening to women who have been on multiple dates with men, which while it may not be a relationship, I’d assume that the guy who took me out for 2 months didn’t consider me low quality, and when he hit me back up, he wasn’t thinking “let me talk to that low quality ho again (who never slept with me)”.

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