Date scheduled but he says he's not sure about feelings


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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maria 5 days, 21 hours ago.

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  • #813171 Reply

    Maria

    Hi everyone!
    A few months ago I started dating a very kind and respectful guy. Due to summer holidays we haven’t seen each other that much but we’ve always been in regular contact and have had three fun dates. We have another date scheduled for friday, and he says via text that he looks forward to it but isn’t sure about his feelings.

    I’m not overly attached to this guy and we have not done anything besides just dating. Personally I don’t like to hear that he’s not sure about his feelings because I’m sure that it will influence me on this date on friday. It feels like I have to prove myself or something, which I don’t appreciate.

    This guy is quite respectfull and has texted me like he normally does. I’m also not mad that he’s honest about how he feels, but I’m just not sure of I should date him from now on at all. Should I cancel this date? If he’s not sure now then I’m not sure that will magically all change on friday.

    Should I cancel on him and if so, how should I explain it to him?

    #813229 Reply

    Angel

    Can you say a bit more about how that statement came about? Ie – was it in response to something you said or ‘out of the blue’?

    In any event, four dates is not that much and one could understand that someone may not be sure about their feelings yet. He still asked you out and wants to see you. This is early days and some people take time to get bonded. So depending on the context I would not read too much into this? If this was said in a relationship I would have more ‘alarm bells ringing’.

    If you cancel, it means pretty much you would stop dating him, is this right? and is this what you want? Because as you say, his feelings won’t magically change, nor will he start to have more feelings because you cancelled.

    #813233 Reply

    Maria

    Sure! Thanks for responding! It was rather out of the blue. I agree that three or four dates isn’t that much and of course I have not made up my mind about him either. It’s quite early for that anyway. What I’m not sure about is that I wonder if it’s worth it if I continue dating him at all. Isn’t it a waste of my time since he already says he’s not sure?

    Like I said, I’m not extremely attached to him. He’s a great guy but I don’t like to feel as of I have to prove myself on our next date.

    #813234 Reply

    Vera

    I don’t like that he said that out of the blue and if a guy said that to me I wouldn’t like it . It almost gives him perceived power over the situation and like you said you may be left with that chasing a carrot on the stick feeling .
    It’s up to you- you can decide to go on this date with no expectations if you want , otherwise if you cancel it’s likely over .

    #813235 Reply

    Angel

    Hmm… yes, I would not want to have to prove myself either. It is exhausting! You need to decide for yourself of course, but, talking generally, nobody ‘owes’ you anything, in the sense there are no guarantees in dating, or a guy is not on a timer to ‘feel it’ by date four, given the pauses in dating you’ve had over the summer. There are guys who come on super strong at the start and then flake out or fade out… there are others who take their time and are more honest about where their feelings are. Then, there are relationships which start off great and then breakdown months or years down the line! You can never know. You only take one step at a time. I would probably decide to see him or not, by tuning in and seeing if I would enjoy seeing him and have a fun night? And if yes – then take things one step at a time from there.

    Seeing you relaxed and accepting his feelings just as they are, may also act like an ‘attractor’ / a turn on for him. Since he said it over text, he may not have meant it in the way you received the message. So by you not being phased by this phrase, may also reassure and relax him. Maybe during your in person time, you can ask him gently / non judgmentally what he meant when he said it – you may have a better response to your concern and have a chance to read his body language too.

    #813236 Reply

    Vera

    I was thinking about this more – because I’m very much like you in that I would want to stop things from continuing if there seems to be no point .
    But in this case it’s not clear cut .
    What’s the worse that can happen? You date him a couple more times , it becomes more clear that he does not have feelings for you and he – gasp! Ends things or fades out.
    Sometimes we want to prevent future pain by putting up a wall . And sometimes that’s a good thing . But in this particular case, I think based on what he said and how he said it , it won’t hurt to just take it date by date for now … Until it’s more clear . No expectations but obviously if it becomes clear he’s not into it then you can put your foot down .

    #813241 Reply

    Maria

    Thank you all so much for responding! I really appreciatie it! I agree with Vera that it seems a bit like it gives him some power over the situation.

    I don’t mind at all that he’s honest about his feelings but I don’t like that he says this right before we’re going on a date.

    It’s also true that I would like to avoid getting hurt and since I’m not in love with him yet or anything I thought it might be best to end things now instead of seeing where it goes and falling for him while he’s still unsure. Also….I hate wasting my time lol.

    After all your responses I’m leaning towards ending it. What is the best kind and respectfull way to tell him this? He’s been kind (and honest!) to me as well so of course I’d like to do the same for him. Honesty included ;)

    #813248 Reply

    Vera

    In my opinion if you decide to end it , don’t tell him why. If you say something like , oh you’re not certain about us therefore I don’t want to continue … he may then backtrack and say no that’s not what I meant etc . It’ll result in a back and forth. If you want that back and forth , it’s better to just go on the date and bring it up there .

    Otherwise , IMHO … if you want to end it , just respectfully say that you don’t want to continue and don’t give a reason

    #813251 Reply

    Newbie

    This was an interesting threat. After thinking about it, i would end but i would say why: which is, i appreciate your honesty, i was having the same feelings so maybe its best to leave it like that and stop dating each other. I truly liked our dates though, so take care

    #813254 Reply

    Ss

    I’m with newbie. You aren’t feeling it yet either which is fine but i don’t like that he told you – i mean what did he expect you to do with that??! Its so off putting!

    Its not like you are expecting him to be sure and in love with you so that’s not the issue here. Its that he told you… as if its some sort of warning? I don’t get it. Its fine and normal that he isn’t all in after 3 dates but if i were you i would feel like its a waste of my time too. He might well date you more and get feelings but it feels like you are auditioning and that is not relaxing!

    So, personally I’d say that I’m not sure of my feelings either as it is too soon to tell, but since he has mentioned it and you agree, another date isn’t going to change anything and i wish him well

    #813258 Reply

    Maria

    Ss you are completely right and you’ve found the words I was looking for. Exactly, I’m not sure what he expects me to do after dropping this right before our date and it does seem like some kind of warning. I guess that’s exactly the kind of uneasy feeling I was experiencing.

    I am going to politely tell him that I think it’s best not to continue dating. I know nobody owns anyone an explanation but for me it feels a bit rude not to give any reason. I’m going to try what Newbie suggested and hope he responds well :)

    All of your advice has been very, very welcome and helpfull! Thank you all so much!

    #813290 Reply

    K

    Good call. My dad says if it’s not a hell yeah it’s a no. No one who’s interested In you or really interested to see if something develops would say that. It’s an easy let down in manspeak. I’m with the other ladies who said tell him you’re not feeling it either and nice to have met you and all the best, no further dates needed.

    #813314 Reply

    Maria

    Yeah exactly. And it’s fine to be unsure and seeing where it goes but the fact that he already mentioned this is not a good sign. Personally when I’m feeling unsure about someone myself I’m usually right and that feeling rarely if ever changes.

    I sent him the text (politely) but he’s ignoring me now (it has been hours and he has definitely read it) so I guess that tells me something too right?

    #813316 Reply

    Ewa

    well he might not know what to say, but if he really liked you , he would reply either saying he is sorry or that he wants to see you. The fact that he has chosen not to reply I guess speaks volume.
    But you did the right thing, you want someone who is sure about you :)

    #813320 Reply

    Ss

    You did the right thing. No point wasting time on him any longer. I like what Ks dad says! Its like it has to be a Hell Yeah forever but he should be wanting to see you more to see where things go and not making you feel like he is in the driving seat and making up his mind about you! Its a two way street!

    #813325 Reply

    Maria

    Okay so update! He finally responded and says that he caught feelings for someone while being on a holiday and that therefore it doesn’t feel right to continue dating. So it seemed like my gut instinct was completely right and knowing this now I’m even more glad to have ended it before he did. If I would not have said anything I would have to go to some horribly awkward date with a man who had made up his mind anyway. Not sure why he didn’t just tell me right away but I’m SO glad I did that for him and stayed true to my feelings and my standards.

    #813328 Reply

    Ewa

    Maria well done :) and also worth mentioning : he was honest and at least he didn’t waste your time :)

    #813329 Reply

    Maria

    Thank you! I feel good about it too thanks to all of your help! He was sort of honest yeah, but he only told me the truth after I said that I don’t think it would be a great idea to meet up on friday. Anyway, this is the best for both of us so I’m glad it happened this way and there isn’t any time wasted :)

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