This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 2 weeks, 3 days ago.
April 16, 2021 at 8:46 am #858976
I met a guy via an dating app and we chatted for a few days, he asked for my number and we spoke on the phone for two hours and then we text all day Monday and he asked me out Monday night. We had quite a nice date and on the actual date he said “I hope I passed the test, because I would love to see you again.”
He dropped me off at my house and then when he was home immediately messaged me asking if I was free again this week. He offered two days, Tuesday (day after first date) and Friday (today). I said Friday as I was busy Tuesday.. he messaged me good morning Tuesday and then since then his messages have been sporadic “sorry busy, talk later”
He apologised for the delay in responding to me on Wednesday afternoon and I replied saying don’t worry, no problen. And that’s the last I have heard from him… It’s now 1:45pm Friday afternoon after he had said we would do something and I haven’t heard from him since Wednesday.
I realise that there was “no date” and I’m not inclined to message to ask, and I’ve since made other plans. So I guess what I’m asking is, do you agree with my not getting in contact and is this a clear cut case of clearly he’s just not interested? Despite him asking me out immediately etc.. would you give him another chance, reach out etc?
ThanksApril 16, 2021 at 11:09 am #859017
Nope. Don’t contact. There was no real date set as there was no time and place designated He may have changed his mind and is already gone, as you haven’t heard peep since Wednesday. If he contacts you today I would say that you made other plans since you hadn’t heard from him, but you’d be glad to see him next week. Don’t train him that you sit there and wait for him.
Also, getting in a car with someone you don’t know and met on a dating app and showing him where you live when you’ve literally just met isn’t a safe practice. I go out with someone at least 3 times and more like 6 before I’m comfortable letting them know where I live or getting into a car with them.April 16, 2021 at 11:20 am #859020
Its your job to carefully WATCH, LISTEN, and OBSERVE him to determine if he’s even someone you not only want to date but would even consider getting into a relationship with.
This is what dating is about. It’s not about getting into a relationship; its slowly taking your time to determine if he’s a flake, jerk, or someone who’s truly interested in getting to know you plus has a lot of ‘good’ qualities, and traits that you would want not only for yourself but any future children. Remember, your choice isn’t just about you but any child(ren) too, so you really need to be discerning (very selective) about those you not only date but get into a relationship or have a family with, if that’s your long-term goal.
He’s a stranger. You don’t know him at all, have no idea or clue what he wants, or is even looking for. He most likely doesn’t either; just playing the field (dating different women), which perfectly OK and within his right to do, or not do. Trust me, when he meets *her* he won’t be flaking out—he would be stepping up his game to make darn sure she doesn’t forget about him! When a man is more afraid of losing you, than you are him, you might have a keeper :o)April 17, 2021 at 2:28 am #859182
T from NY
Exactly as Lane said – at this stage you are watching and assessing the guys character and observing how he treats you and makes you feel. I am annoyed on your behalf that be A) asked you out on the same day Monday you had your first phone chat, B) chompin at the bit asking you out so quickly for the next day – and although offered a more reasonable, measured, paced option of few days later (Friday) he’s now MIA. Men that swoop in like comets often burn out just as quickly. If he never followed through this evening I wouldn’t see him again. He’s a flake no doubt. IF he did show up magically and y’all went out again and had a great time, I would proceed very cautiously – he’s seems squirrelly and not like a good bf material.April 17, 2021 at 9:13 am #859357
To directly answer your questions – he’s not really interested and don’t give him another chance as he’s already shown himself to be unreliable and inconsiderate. And this type has a funny way of popping back up with excuses, asking for another chance when in reality it didn’t work out with someone he thought he liked better. I would just block him and forget it, only one date, not worth getting in a twist over him. I’m always grateful when people show their true colors so clearly right up front.April 17, 2021 at 1:19 pm #859399
This is a delete situation. He stood you up, not totally directly, but enough to yell him to shove off.April 17, 2021 at 1:38 pm #859406
I had a rule that if someone from internet dating essentially stands you up before you even meet them (ie for the first date says let’s meet Friday, doesn’t give a specific time or place though, and never follows up on that day), then I’m never meeting them. Even if they reach back out, they don’t get to reschedule (often they didn’t, occasionally they did try to reappear). I only broke this rule once, because the guy seemed like he had a really good excuse. We went out on a decent date, and then he immediately did it again. Talked about our second date, then vanished again. Believe someone when they show you who they are. You can pick up on red flags quite quickly if you’re paying attention.
Don’t reach out again, and it probably won’t do you any good to hear him out if he does reappear. The first few dates are when potential partners should be on their best behavior trying to impress you, and it’s a very bad sign if this is the best he can do this early. He wouldn’t make a good boyfriend for you later on.April 21, 2021 at 6:57 am #861114
Thanks for the advice, update.. so he did not message on Friday, in fact hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday last week when he apologied for being quiet and asked how my day was. So I think I have the answer there! I don’t think I’ll hear from him again!
I know it’s absolutely stupid to go over and over it but I keep doing it in my head.. what did I do? I guess this is made worse by the fact he’s literally the one somewhat decent man I’ve came across on app dating since I reinstated my account two weeks ago.
On another note, and please just be harsh with me here, do you think the fact that this one instance of being ghosted affecting me so much is a sign that I probably shouldn’t be dating at all? I don’t know I guess I just feel a bit weird and down this week.. like this is te calibre of men.. is there any advice for resilience with online dating? Or should I just put it on the back burner focus on myself and leave dating aside?
Thanks guys, it’s really helpful to have this forum to post on. I just think I’m really surprised at how I’m still thinking so much about one date with clearly a flaky man..April 21, 2021 at 8:53 am #861159
You did absolutely nothing wrong! First of all, you don’t actually know that he’s “somewhat decent”. That’s a story you’re telling yourself. It doesn’t mean it’s true. You had one date, which went well, but you don’t know this guy. He’s a stranger. There could be all kinds of reasons why he didn’t follow up with a 2nd date. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he has baggage from a previous relationship that he hasn’t dealt with, maybe he has personal hang-ups. Who knows. It doesn’t matter, because he’s a stranger. So please stop the narrative in your head that you somehow screwed up and lost this wonderful guy, because it’s not true. A guy that’s right for you will be attentive and follow up and make you feel good about yourself, not doubt yourself.
I agree with T from NY’s point that there’s something off about this guy 1. asking you out for a date on the same night (Monday), and 2. wanting a second date for the following night (Tuesday). Healthy dating involves pacing things and taking your time to get to know each other, not rushing into multiple dates on back-to-back nights. Guys who rush things tend to burn out very quickly. So that right there would indicate to me that something is off.
Online dating is tough. There’s a lot of chaff to separate from the wheat :-) You’ve only been back online for 2 weeks. That’s nothing. You just have to put this behind you and be open to new guys you meet. If you really feel like you’re not in a good headspace to date, then by all means take a break. If a small disappointment like this makes you doubt your own worth, it would benefit you to work on your own self-image and focus on doing things that boost your confidence.