"Can't give more than friendship"


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 6 days, 1 hour ago.

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  • #935395 Reply

    Adrianne

    Hello there! I’ve been wanting some reassurance on a situation.

    So, I’ve had this crush on a guy at my gym (I am 23, he is 22) for some 2 months, he eventually started talking to me there and really helping me out, all about his body language also told me he was into something, so I mustered tup the courage and asked him out for coffee. He immediatelly said yes and gave me his number as he had deleted his instagram some time ago.

    So I texted him, set things up for the next week, and we started texting everyday (by this time he wasn’t around town), which I wasn’t actually expecting but welcomed. He ended up returning sooner than he had expected and asked me if I wanted to workout with him the next day, and so we did. After that he suggested we would have a snack, so there we went to eat something and exchange some talk. This was about 5 weeks ago.
    After this first “date” I wasn’t really so sure about him, but I just let things roll without expectations; we kept texting and talking each time we saw each other.

    Eventually the day for our coffee date came around and he surprised me in the good way: he was really soft, we had a lot of eye contact, he paid the bill, we had a great time talking about some common interests and he even made the point to “let me into his life” a bit by showing me some videos of fond moments he had with his friends and family and some hardships he had come through. We were comfortable around each other, and even though there were some moments of silence, it wasn’t that awkward, nerve-wracking silence – it was just comfortable. The coffee date ended with no kiss (not that I mind or even think it really is relevant), but with a promise to “repeat this once I get back”, as he was leaving town again for 2 months, as he is from across the state.

    We kept texting everyday as usual (just to check on each others’ days and some friendly banter), and I decided to ask him if he wanted to arrange something while he was away.
    So, this is where my problem starts – he sends me this message:
    “Adrianne, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve had a relationship some time ago with this girl and things didn’t really go well for me… and to be fair I neither can nor want to start new things now, and I’ve been feeling pretty bad because I’ve been giving you hopes… I think I should have said this earlier, but I really don’t want to end up hurting you later on… I don’t know what your intentions were, and I think you are a great girl, but I really can’t give anything more than friendship”

    Well, needless to say I was not expecting this, but I told him I also had my fair share of bad experiences and that I understand that he wants some time and space to heal – and I really do understand. I told him that I would like to keep him as a friend, but wouldn’t mind it if he thought it would be better to just cut it off entirely, to which he said he definitely wants to keep me close and that I can always talk to him whenever I want. I told him I would be here for anything he needs, and he said he will be there for me as well.
    The conversation eventually just faded and right now I’m feeling hurt – not because of what he said (I really appreciated his honesty and even told him that, and I meant everything I told him!), but because I feel like I lost him completely. Then I also get stuck in my mind thinking on how he probably just worded things the way he did to not hurt me by saying “I don’t want to be with you at all”, and questioning how much of what he said is true…

    What is your opinion on this?

    #935396 Reply

    Ewa

    No point thinking if what he said is truth, chances are this story with a girl is all bs but that’s not your problem anymore .
    He said he doesn’t want to see you and as sad as it sounds be thankful he was respectful enough to let you know. Trust me, if you read this forum, a lot of men these days , just disappear without saying a word .
    You only had 2 “dates” with him so no emotional connection as such . You’ll be fine soon 🙂

    #935397 Reply

    M

    Well, I have to say, I like him, he sounds decent and I can see why you would have found him attractive.

    The thing is, you haven’t really lost him, because you never had him in the first place. You essentially did all the chasing.

    It probably doesn’t feel like that to you, especially because of todays modern women’s lib/expectations where it’s commonly promoted a woman should be as forward as men. But the reality of relationship dynamics is that it’s not what really gets a guy’s motor running. They like to pursue, they’re hard wired for it.

    It’s just my opinion, but I think the truth is, he was probably flattered by your attention, because why wouldn’t he be? An attractive young woman comes up to you and wants to be with you. Everyone would want to enjoy that a little bit.

    But ultimately, he never really wanted to date you anyway, and would never have even gone out on the first date if you hadn’t asked him.

    The reason he was so lovely to you on the date itself, is because that’s just who he is. He would treat anyone that way.

    And the texting back and forth was just him being polite and friendly. He probably enjoyed the banter and attention for a while, but that’s it.

    He never asked you on a second date, he never asked you on a date AT ALL. You never had him in the first place. Do you see this?

    What I like about him is that he’s open and honest and upfront. As Ewa said, a lot of guys would just ghost or be really lame or crappy about it.

    And he’s being really really clear. It’s not only because of a past relationship wound that he can’t see you, he doesn’t even want to.

    That’s a hard thing to say to someone because you know it’s going to hurt them, so he deserves kudos for that.

    I personally think, he wasn’t looking for anything with you. When you asked him out, he gave it a shot and even kept communicating back and forth to see if there was anything there, but there just wasn’t for him.

    The reason it hurts, is because he’s rejected you and that totally sucks. I know, I’ve been there. It’s painful and horrible and unbearable. ……. “…..What does he mean he doesn’t want to be with me, how can he NOT want to be with me????!!!!?????….”

    It’s like someone rejects Who You Are. And that hurts, of course it hurts. If you told me now, that you didn’t like me, I would feel rejected and hurt, and we haven’t even had any kind of connection before this message.

    It’s one of the downsides, not just to dating and relationships, but in life itself. It’s normal even though it doesn’t feel okay.

    Adrianne, I’m sorry. I feel your pain. And I know it’s worse because he’s a nice decent guy, so you can’t even buffer the pain by focusing on how he did you wrong.

    The last time this happened to me, my friend tried to make me feel better by saying that thing, you know, …. we can’t be liked by everyone. You’re not going to be attractive to everyone. You’re probably just not his type. Etc blah blah blah

    It totally didn’t help me. I just felt more hurt and confused because how can he like me one minute, and then not like me the next??

    What I didn’t get, was that he never really – I mean REALLY – want me in the first place at all. I just misunderstood the warm reception and believed it to be something more than what it really was. A mild and passing interest.

    What I say to you is, never ever settle for that. You want a guy who is so excited and entranced by what he sees in you, that he actively pursues you to make you his. Where literally his eyes light up and his whole being stands to attention and radiates joy because you’re there and he’s been waiting and thinking about this moment all day.

    This is what you want and this is what you deserve.

    Don’t chase guys, let them chase you. If there’s one you fancy, show them some interest, make eye contact, smile, flirt, and see if they pick up on it and are prepared to move on it.

    Choose people who choose you. You deserve that.

    Forget him. Close the chapter on this one, and move on.

    And read some ANM articles about what interests guys and how dating and relationship dynamics work.

    This was a learning experience for you. Eat some ice-cream, feel a little sorry for yourself and have a day or less, bemoaning how unfair this all is.

    And then when you’re done, suck up the hurt, throw it out the window, and head on out again looking your best to master the art of flirting.

    Set this as your goal – when you see someone you like, you flirt with such style and class, and do it so effectively, you never ever have to ask a guy out again, because you’re too busy batting off all the guys chasing YOU for dates….

    #935398 Reply

    M

    PS Just to correct myself, I wasn’t counting the gym workout as an actual date, but I can see you are.

    Nevertheless, that’s history now. I still stand by everything else I said. It was a learning experience.

    Ask yourself, what did you learn?

    And what else did you learn?

    What will you do differently next time round?

    #935399 Reply

    Maddie

    I don’t see any reason for you to doubt him. Take him at his word, especially since he doesn’t know you well enough for his lack of desire for a relationship to reflect on you in any way. There’s no need for you to look for things you did “wrong.” But that doesn’t change the outcome, which is he enjoys your company and attention but he’s not emotionally available to you for whatever reason.

    One thing that’s a little bit of a flag here, especially after what he said about leading you on, is this:

    “he even made the point to “let me into his life” a bit by showing me some videos of fond moments he had with his friends and family and some hardships he had come through”

    That’s a little much for a first/second date. Showing you some videos that sound like they were normal enough was a big deal to him, and he’s sharing hardships when it’s only the second time you’ve really hung out. While also pledging to always be there for you after knowing you several weeks and hanging out only a couple times. All in all, it sounds and looks like he’s got trust issues and not the best boundaries (doesn’t trust women after one bad relationship, but opens way up to people he hasn’t actually built trust with yet and then withdraws…). So do take him at his word that it’s him and not you.

    What it seems like really hurts is you had a crush on him so you had some expectations that didn’t turn out how you hoped, and you need a minute to catch up emotionally. That’s totally fine! Promising situations that switch from new and exciting to quickly not reaching what you thought was their full potential can be very disappointing. Take your space to mourn that and move on so you can eventually be just friends, if you really do want that and aren’t just going to torture yourself by hanging around in case he changes his mind.

    #935402 Reply

    Raven

    Move on already.

    #935407 Reply

    Tammy

    Pls dont bother with him anymore. Hes goven you the red signal to stop. Unless your ok engaging with him as a casual friend, you need to stop initiating all interactions. There hv been times in our lives that we hv gone with men and met them casually as just friends cause we like them and enjoy spending time out. But thats abt it. This is a similar case. Hes engaging with you and met you as a casual friend. Dont be negative and put yourslf down. Smtms we like men who dont quite feel the same and vice versa . No big deal. Chill. Atlst you didnt waste much time.

    #935408 Reply

    ShannonT

    This is why you don’t ask men for dates and pursue them. Unavailable guys won’t turn you down, they’ll go out with you because it strokes their ego. I know some people say but it’s 2022 I can ask a man out but it’s better to do it the old fashioned way. Let him ask you out. The most you should do is let him know if he asked you out you would say yes. A guy who’s interested will then ask. One who’s not won’t follow up. And men say they like it when women initiate but it’s really taking their job and they can’t put their finger on why but they won’t like a woman who does the work in the relationship. That’s what my dad and my brothers taught me after I chased a guy and wound up with a broken heart.

    #935409 Reply

    Ewa

    I disagree, I think chasing works, but only for some lazy men , but would want a man like that anyway?
    I have done it before where I have asked guys from the gym and in 3 occasions only one said he was taken, but even though the others gave me their numbers etc , they weren’t really interested.
    I will say it again, this guy was really respectful, he is going away for 2 months anyway, so even if he was really keen, chances are this would die down within first month anyway, because you don’t even know each other. I know you could argue that you’d talk everyday etc, men don’t fall in love through texting , women do . Men can text many women, good morning, good night, it means absolutely nothing, in fact for most men texting is a nuisance , they do it because they know they have to.

    #935412 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Hi there! You are making this personal. Until a man is real… aka, you are exclusive in a relationship, he is not real and should not be emotionally invested in. Be warm and open and interested, but best to simply realize you know nothing about this person and giving 0 f$cks is a better plan than burrowing and making meaning over something of which you have no control.

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