"Can't give more than friendship"

Well, I have to say, I like him, he sounds decent and I can see why you would have found him attractive.

The thing is, you haven’t really lost him, because you never had him in the first place. You essentially did all the chasing.

It probably doesn’t feel like that to you, especially because of todays modern women’s lib/expectations where it’s commonly promoted a woman should be as forward as men. But the reality of relationship dynamics is that it’s not what really gets a guy’s motor running. They like to pursue, they’re hard wired for it.

It’s just my opinion, but I think the truth is, he was probably flattered by your attention, because why wouldn’t he be? An attractive young woman comes up to you and wants to be with you. Everyone would want to enjoy that a little bit.

But ultimately, he never really wanted to date you anyway, and would never have even gone out on the first date if you hadn’t asked him.

The reason he was so lovely to you on the date itself, is because that’s just who he is. He would treat anyone that way.

And the texting back and forth was just him being polite and friendly. He probably enjoyed the banter and attention for a while, but that’s it.

He never asked you on a second date, he never asked you on a date AT ALL. You never had him in the first place. Do you see this?

What I like about him is that he’s open and honest and upfront. As Ewa said, a lot of guys would just ghost or be really lame or crappy about it.

And he’s being really really clear. It’s not only because of a past relationship wound that he can’t see you, he doesn’t even want to.

That’s a hard thing to say to someone because you know it’s going to hurt them, so he deserves kudos for that.

I personally think, he wasn’t looking for anything with you. When you asked him out, he gave it a shot and even kept communicating back and forth to see if there was anything there, but there just wasn’t for him.

The reason it hurts, is because he’s rejected you and that totally sucks. I know, I’ve been there. It’s painful and horrible and unbearable. ……. “…..What does he mean he doesn’t want to be with me, how can he NOT want to be with me????!!!!?????….”

It’s like someone rejects Who You Are. And that hurts, of course it hurts. If you told me now, that you didn’t like me, I would feel rejected and hurt, and we haven’t even had any kind of connection before this message.

It’s one of the downsides, not just to dating and relationships, but in life itself. It’s normal even though it doesn’t feel okay.

Adrianne, I’m sorry. I feel your pain. And I know it’s worse because he’s a nice decent guy, so you can’t even buffer the pain by focusing on how he did you wrong.

The last time this happened to me, my friend tried to make me feel better by saying that thing, you know, …. we can’t be liked by everyone. You’re not going to be attractive to everyone. You’re probably just not his type. Etc blah blah blah

It totally didn’t help me. I just felt more hurt and confused because how can he like me one minute, and then not like me the next??

What I didn’t get, was that he never really – I mean REALLY – want me in the first place at all. I just misunderstood the warm reception and believed it to be something more than what it really was. A mild and passing interest.

What I say to you is, never ever settle for that. You want a guy who is so excited and entranced by what he sees in you, that he actively pursues you to make you his. Where literally his eyes light up and his whole being stands to attention and radiates joy because you’re there and he’s been waiting and thinking about this moment all day.

This is what you want and this is what you deserve.

Don’t chase guys, let them chase you. If there’s one you fancy, show them some interest, make eye contact, smile, flirt, and see if they pick up on it and are prepared to move on it.

Choose people who choose you. You deserve that.

Forget him. Close the chapter on this one, and move on.

And read some ANM articles about what interests guys and how dating and relationship dynamics work.

This was a learning experience for you. Eat some ice-cream, feel a little sorry for yourself and have a day or less, bemoaning how unfair this all is.

And then when you’re done, suck up the hurt, throw it out the window, and head on out again looking your best to master the art of flirting.

Set this as your goal – when you see someone you like, you flirt with such style and class, and do it so effectively, you never ever have to ask a guy out again, because you’re too busy batting off all the guys chasing YOU for dates….

I don’t see any reason for you to doubt him. Take him at his word, especially since he doesn’t know you well enough for his lack of desire for a relationship to reflect on you in any way. There’s no need for you to look for things you did “wrong.” But that doesn’t change the outcome, which is he enjoys your company and attention but he’s not emotionally available to you for whatever reason.

One thing that’s a little bit of a flag here, especially after what he said about leading you on, is this:

“he even made the point to “let me into his life” a bit by showing me some videos of fond moments he had with his friends and family and some hardships he had come through”

That’s a little much for a first/second date. Showing you some videos that sound like they were normal enough was a big deal to him, and he’s sharing hardships when it’s only the second time you’ve really hung out. While also pledging to always be there for you after knowing you several weeks and hanging out only a couple times. All in all, it sounds and looks like he’s got trust issues and not the best boundaries (doesn’t trust women after one bad relationship, but opens way up to people he hasn’t actually built trust with yet and then withdraws…). So do take him at his word that it’s him and not you.

What it seems like really hurts is you had a crush on him so you had some expectations that didn’t turn out how you hoped, and you need a minute to catch up emotionally. That’s totally fine! Promising situations that switch from new and exciting to quickly not reaching what you thought was their full potential can be very disappointing. Take your space to mourn that and move on so you can eventually be just friends, if you really do want that and aren’t just going to torture yourself by hanging around in case he changes his mind.

Pls dont bother with him anymore. Hes goven you the red signal to stop. Unless your ok engaging with him as a casual friend, you need to stop initiating all interactions. There hv been times in our lives that we hv gone with men and met them casually as just friends cause we like them and enjoy spending time out. But thats abt it. This is a similar case. Hes engaging with you and met you as a casual friend. Dont be negative and put yourslf down. Smtms we like men who dont quite feel the same and vice versa . No big deal. Chill. Atlst you didnt waste much time.

I disagree, I think chasing works, but only for some lazy men , but would want a man like that anyway?
I have done it before where I have asked guys from the gym and in 3 occasions only one said he was taken, but even though the others gave me their numbers etc , they weren’t really interested.
I will say it again, this guy was really respectful, he is going away for 2 months anyway, so even if he was really keen, chances are this would die down within first month anyway, because you don’t even know each other. I know you could argue that you’d talk everyday etc, men don’t fall in love through texting , women do . Men can text many women, good morning, good night, it means absolutely nothing, in fact for most men texting is a nuisance , they do it because they know they have to.