Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Can’t get over him!!!
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Louise.
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Aimee
I’m so frustrated with myself. I started talking to my ex over the summer and still can’t stop thinking about him.
We dated years ago and hadn’t spoken in over a decade so the whole situation took us by surprise. After speaking nonstop for a couple weeks we decided to do a long weekend in Atlanta( we live in different states.) It was amazing. We connected like no time had lapsed and seriously the sex was the best I’ve ever had.
The biggest problem – and please hold the judgment – is that he has a live- in gf of 2 years. I asked him repeatedly before we met what his intent were and he said although things were fine between him and and his gf, he couldn’t say anything about him and I until he spent some time with me.
So the weekend was amazing… and then he told me although he still really liked me, he had to figure out things with his gf first and not to get serious on him. So my bad for even thinking he could be something serious again.
We’ve met up once since then which didn’t go quite as well. We hooked up but barely. He said we could meet up again on a skiing trip in February. We talked on the phone a few weeks after that and he mentioned it again. I haven’t heard anything about it since.
So all of this is bad news I know…plus some seriously bad judgment calls. But still I can’t stop thinking about him! I’ll date someone and momentarily forget about him but as soon as it ends, he’s back on my mind. There’s something about those exes that get away…
How stupid is it to think that we’re meant to be?? Even if he’s not entirely in the right place to move forward with me right now…
Raven
What do you want to hear?
You purposely hooked up with a cheeter…Paige
Honey, he only wanted you for sex. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be with this other woman.
Aimee
I just can’t wrap my head around him only being interested in me for sex. We were friends before we dated, had a solid, living relationship with no drama and no drama since… I’ll admit that I don’t respect him as much for lying to his girlfriend and cheating on her. It’s just so confusing… This is not the guy I knew…
Amateur
Wow. Sleeping with someone else boyfriend the whinging about it LOL! Classy!
Raven
What did you expect …?
Here’s your Fortune Cookie:
He’ll do it for you- He’ll do it too you…Paige
You’re in denial.
pam
i
pam
OOps-
Jeannie
The problem isn’t him. The problem is you. You were willing to sleep with him and go on a sneaky weekend behind his girlfriend’s back. He didn’t lie and tell you that they were on the rocks and he was going to get out. He never indicated he wanted you back, not by a long shot. He told you point blank you were auditioning… for the role of side piece. Which you gladly accepted. That’s the problem.
Own your side of it before you even go looking at his. Wrap your head around you willingly slept with someone who is committed elsewhere and isn’t going to leave her for you. Says volumes about you that you need to get honest about. You’re an eager crumb taker and you don’t give a damn about your self respect or integrity. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or put you down. I’m trying to get you to open your eyes to what you freely colluded with that absolutely shredded your value, to him and yourself.
another anon
“This is not the guy I knew…” <- That. Right there. You’re in love with the guy he used to be, not the guy he is.
tammy
seriously? is this even a real post? your expecting loyalty from a person who admittedly is cheating with you on his live in gf? u had your fun now get going.
Aimee
Another anon – yes, completely this. I’ve never been in this situation and only said yes because of the love I had for him. He said plenty before we met up to give me hope including that he always regretted us breaking up and it was a mistake on his part. He also told me there were concerns on his end with his current relationship. He considered breaking up with her for me…but obviously didn’t. And hasn’t.
My friend told me to block out thoughts of his gf and only think of us. Put that energy out in the world. I wish I could say it was hard to do…
nobody
Aimee, your friend gave you horrible advice. I think other posters have commented and gave you the hard truth. Here’s another angle… why would he want to be with you — the one who’s willing to have an affair with someone who’s already taken. Your lack of respect for his relationship (in my opinion) has tarnished his opinion of you. Not fair, not at all — especially since he did it too, but men think that way. I think in his eyes, your allure has worn off and he has taken a look at this in the light of day. Maybe being a cheater is getting to him. Good. Too bad he didn’t think that way BEFORE he got involved with you again.
I suggest moving on COMPLETELY, but if you won’t do that, I suggest telling him that you can’t be someone’s side piece. That you care about him but sleeping with him/having an affair is wrong and you can’t do it anymore. And that if he wants to have any opportunity to be with you again he needs to end things with the live in girlfriend. I think it’s the only way you can salvage your own reputation. And fix your karma — because what you’re doing now will come back and bite you in the arse somehow, someway. (In my opinion it DEFINITELY will if you choose to continue to have anything to do with him.)
Also get yourself tested just in case sleeping around is now part of his repertoire.
Khadija
Your post sounds very familiar.
In any case he has a live in girlfriend and only see you for fun. If he wanted to be with you it would have happened already.
Sadly, you are in denial and will continue to waste years on this man, I’m willing to bet you would still see him if he was married.
You can get past this but you choose to keep seeing him. You have a choice and can say no to him.
My advice cut the chord and start working on your standards and self worth. If you had either of these you wouldn’t be involved in this situation.
kaye
It amazes me you can’t believe this is just about sex for him! I love how the same people who go on about what great “friends” they were with an ex also say they haven’t spoken to them in a decade! Seriously you must be really great friends! As you say he’s not the same man he was 10 years ago. You obviously lived without him for a decade so it’s quite easy not to talk to him.
This guy didn’t lie to you. He was straight up that he lived with his girlfriend and you still agreed to a long weekend together. He never told you they had problems in their relationship or he wanted to try things with you again (other than in the bedroom!) They’ve been together for 2 years and I’m betting him being with you made him realize he was taking her for granted and he doesn’t want to lose her.
It is stupid to think you’re meant to be. So you envision your life with a cheater who would hook up with an ex in a hot minute regardless of how well things were going in your relationship?!? Let’s say the two of you did get married, have a couple of kids and 5 years into your marriage an ex pops up and he cheats on you with her over a long weekend out of town. Be careful what you wish for.
Raven
Part 2: Should I Tell His GF He Cheeted With Me…
anon
I can tell you that the quickest way to blow up his current relationship is to stop giving this guy sex and attention. He’s not getting enough from her, so you play a role in keeping them together by offering it up.
I mean, he can and did break up with you. He could break up with her. You know that. He knows that. He wants her more, but still needs a little from you.
Aimee
Thank you for the hard truth, ladies. I think you hit the nail on the head, Kaye…
Part of me getting over this is to accept responsibility for my actions and permanently shut the door on this situation. It’s hard but I know it’s what has to be done. I just asked him now if I need to get tested (again) as it’s $400 a pop but after that, I won’t be reaching out or replying to him again.
Raven, I guess you brought up a good point. Do I tell the gf? I just did a quick search online and most articles say to let her know. What she does with the information is up to her but she should know. What do you all think? Ignorance is bliss or she deserves to know?
Khadija
I suspect Raven was being sarcastic.
In any case leave this man alone. Your motive isn’t about doing the right thing but, more so hoping this breaks them up.
Who knows he may have told her already or she found out.
Pearl
Exactly what Khadija said. You are proving just how conniving you are. But you probably won’t listen to anyone here and you will go along with what you have read in these articles because that’s what is preferable to you. Leave the man and his girlfriend alone it’s not your place to go telling her, you will look even more foolish than you do already. Move on and find someone who is available.
Raven
Sarcasm & reality make interesting bed fellows…
Aimee
Honestly I’d rather not tell her for my own sake. Who knows what kind of blowback I’d be dealing with. But if I were in her shoes, I would want someone to tell me.
I’m not following you, Raven. What are your thoughts?
Raven
Re-read Khadija & Pearl responses…
Amy
You wouldn’t be telling her for the ‘right reasons’, nor would you be telling her because you care about her and want the best for her.
You’d be telling her as a way to be vengeful, to hurt her, and in the hopes of getting Mister Free Willy back.
Guaranteed you’re not the first woman he’s stepped out on her with, nor will you be the last.
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