Can someone help me make sense of this

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  • #939340 Reply

    Can someone help me make sense of this ?

    Long story so I’ll try to make it as short as possible . I’m a forty year old woman with no children . Last x mas my partner of 12 years walked out on me I don’t know he just was nt happy and didn’t tell me and blamed me and he didn’t tell me he was going . I was traumatised but tried to get through it with the help of friends . I had moved to a different part of the country for him and felt alone although I had some good friends around me I wasn’t home .

    I’m went on dating apps in March and met up with a couple of men for walks it was s means of getting out of the house really and distracting myself and I enjoyed them . I got talking to another guy at the end of March and we met up for a walk and he kept texting me and soon we were texting non stop on and off .

    I was very apprehensive about seeing someone because I knew I was broken and a bit lost although putting on a good face. I hadn’t dated anyone in 13 years .

    To make a long story short I ended up in a situation/ relationship with this guy for six months and from around may he dumped me every week or every two weeks🙈 he dumped me if I asked him a question . One time he dumped me because I told him someone asked me out on a date and I said no and I asked if that was the right thing to do as in are we in a relationship and he didn’t like thst and he dumped me . He said I shouldn’t have told him that . And then he called around when he was in the area and we ended up sorting it out and he was crying thst his father had died and he was nt in a good place and was reacting badly to things so I forgave him . Another time he dumped me because I told my ex out of respect that he was calling to our home because I did nt want him hearing it from someone else . He dumped me and then came back and said he over reacted because he’s in a bad place and he was afraid my ex wouldn’t like him 🤷‍♀️ Anytime he had an issue I was benched while he figured out his feelings . I know it’s sound like a fool writing this when I see it in front of me . The final dumping was when I asked him if he is still in contact with women on dating apps through Instagram . I had reason to ask . He told me I was insecure and needy and I was s red flag . He dumped me by text. That was nine weeks ago. He wanted to study friends and I tried but it was to hurtful.

    I stupidly contacted him yesterday by email outlining how horrible he was to me and he says it just did nt work out we move on . Like is it just me or is there a difference between things not working out and discarding someone and blaming them for being insecure .

    This man is 39 has never had a relationship longer than less than six months. After he broke up with me he told me he never loved anyone and didn’t love me . Like is that cruel ?

    is there a need for that. I’m stupidly asked for answers and he just says ya were different it just didn’t work out but it’s like I was fighting to get the closure I needed . I was with him six months it’s not like we had just gone on a few dates. He was back on tinder a few days later .

    I keep besting myself up for ignoring the red flags . He said he’d do a three some with me and my friend and that hurt . He suggested I do only fans a few times for money and then said he was only joking but he wasn’t really if he kept bringing it up . I think he took a picture of my Ass while I was asleep but I’m not sure . He always spoke in general terms like “ women like there ass slapped or women get needy and insecure about Instagram. Lads don’t care etc .

    I feel like such a fool and yet I contact him every so often to try get closure and I know I’m not going to get it . I feel like a fool after coming out of a long term relationship and thinking someone woukd treat me well .

    can anyone help me make sense of this and stop thinking about it ?

    #939345 Reply

    First thing: Forgive yourself.

    Second thing: This guy is never going to give you closure. You know this. You get the closure from within yourself.

    Third thing: Remove all of his contact information, email & text threads. Everything.

    Fourth thing: Please consider finding a therapist to help you work through this & get to the bottom of why you allowed someone to treat you so horribly, over & over & over…

    You will find someone who will treat you well… You have to be ready for it though. This means dealing with & recovering from your previous relationship. Setting boundaries & not putting up with Bullsh!t.

    #939355 Reply

    You are NOT a “silly old fool.” You haven’t dated in a while so you had some things to learn. The most important of which is you cut a guy off when he starts dishing out BS. Also, this guy threw out a lot of signals he was never going to be available for a real relationship so you need to watch out for that too. Not to mention some of his lowlife suggestions about threesomes and only fans. That should have been an instant bye-bye. And maybe dating someone that much younger than you isn’t a good idea either. Finally, when a jerk says mean things, it’s to hurt on purpose you so don’t give him the satisfaction let him hurt you! Who cares what he says. It’s a reflection on him, not you. He isn’t worthy of any more of your time. PLEASE STOP CONTACTING HIM!

    It sounds like you have low confidence right now and may also be lacking some self-esteem. Can you find a counselor or maybe dating advisor to help you correct that? Because you don’t want to go back online with low confidence, you’ll just have more soul-crushing experiences.

    #939356 Reply

    Hi thanks for your answer . Part of me
    Misses him and I know thst is silly . Six times he broke up with me . How silly I am to miss someone that did that . I can’t but help feel angry . It was made out that it was my fault he did that because I rocked the boat by asking questions . So I took him back each time . I’m going to hypnotherapy to try and forget him . All the bad things I mentioned above were minimised or passed off as jokes .

    I called him a perv in my last email and I feel kinda bad about it but he is 39 and he commented on a 19 year old being good looking the only fans mention the three some with a friend plus the endless Instagram models and lesbian porn he watches so it was true I guess and I feel bad for calling him that . I’ve justified that to myself because he called “women “ jealous and needy so I m not going to apologise .

    I know I need to stop looking for closure. It’s like part of me just wants to see the good parts snd the other part is looking at the horrible parts . 🙈

    #939380 Reply

    “I feel like a fool after coming out of a long term relationship and thinking someone woukd treat me well .”

    This is the part to discuss with your therapist. Yes, this specific time, you chose the wrong guy. But he’s one person, one rotten guy, and you do not need to define yourself by him or assume everyone else will treat you badly too. Part of the reason it sounds like this happened is you didn’t believe you deserved more in the first place after what happened with your long term ex and probably other things that happened in your life even prior to meeting that ex.

    It’s not unusual in a hot and cold situation like this to not know how to let it go, because he’s always come back before. So you get used to feeling the highs and lows followed by highs again (that get increasingly shorter each time, because that’s how this type of relationship pattern works). It’s the same mechanism as gets people hooked on gambling.

    The way to move past it is what the others have already advised. You can’t get closure from him. It only comes from focusing on yourself and rebuilding your self-esteem, which a therapist can help you do. If you feel good enough about yourself to believe you deserve better, then you take back any power he has over you. Definitely go completely no contact with him and ride out the withdrawal feelings of missing him. It’s hard, but they will fade if you’re concentrating on healing from all this, including the break up with your long term ex.

    You’re not a fool, you’re just working through your issues! It is okay to forgive yourself and to learn from a bad situation, we all learn through experience.

    #939402 Reply

    Hi thanks so much for the responses . I actually rang him yesterday and it did do me some good to trash it out and make my feelings known . His version of the story was if I he said no when I asked him if he was talking to other women that I wouldn’t believe him and if he said yes I’d break up with up with him . I can’t really make sense of that but i just said yes if you were talking to other women then it would be wasting my time and I would have broken up with you and he said what woukd you say it I said yes and I said well I woukd have asked what are you talking to them for ? He said he was in contact with one that was a friend . These are women from dating apps by the By the way. He said he asked his friend for advise and his friend told him get rid of me .
    Anyway I had a ex like him years ago he used to lie about things all the time because he said I’d get mad if he told me the truth . One time he had a party in his house while we were together and he told me there was ten people there and then his mother was visiting and his flat made said “ we had a hundred people here last week “ and I was like why did you tell me ten and he said oh you d be mad if I said 100 but I wouldn’t have been . I was mad that he lied and that relationship was toxic .
    What is this guy doing by saying that he broke up with me because I’d be mad if he said he was and if he told me he wasn’t I wouldn’t believe him .
    All I wanted was honesty and this being afraid to tell me the truth makes me insecure ?
    I don’t want him back and I wouldn’t take him back . I’m doing counselling and hypnotherapy and lots of meditation .

    #939410 Reply

    Save your money on hypnotherapy. The harder you try to “forget” him the more you’ll hang on. What you resist, will persist. Also, the more you complain about this the stronger your attachment gets to him. You really got nowhere yesterday and unfortunately you will call him again.

    Also this isn’t about him, it’s all about YOU. The work to do is on yourself and the sooner you get that and do it and leave him out of it, the sooner you’ll be able to heal and move forward.

    #939421 Reply

    Thanks for replies again . Yes everything that was said is right . I do feel bad over things I said I emailed him last week and told him to delete pictures he had of me and wrote “ perv “ . I’ve acted completely out of character I don’t like saying mean things but he had asked me for pictures when we were together . Anyway I apologied after wards fir what I said . I know it’s just going go take time to get over the trauma of it and I’ll look back in a couple of weeks and see it much more clearly .

    #939423 Reply

    Just stop communicating with him!!! Thats the first thing you should do. Anytime you hv issues or questions in your mind, write it down. What you think what you feel what was good what was not good. Basically just write down whatever comes to mind unedited. But pls stop sending him messages. Aftr 2/3 days if you go back and read what you wrote you will cringe a bit and be glad that you didnt send him all this. You hv said what you wanted to and you have apologised. Its over. Now its time to try to put things behind and move on.

    #939424 Reply

    Yes I am cringing over things I said but he said mean things too so I just have to put it down to being toxic . Is it normal to not normally say mean things to people and then say horrible things when hurt ?

    On a different note I was bored last night and went on online dating . Spoke to three guys . One guy asked for more pics while I had two up so I didn’t entertain them , another guy made a statement about how women love a certain accent he has and I didn’t respond to him and I’m starting to see red flags when I really had no idea back in March when I met that guy . So maybe if nothing else a lesson has been learned 😊

    #939425 Reply

    This is not good. PLease, please, please get yourself to a therapist. You aren’t listening to any advice here. You tolerated this man treating you like crap and eventually you blew up at him. You said some things you say were out of character for you. And you’d been drinking when you said then, right? OK – so what?? He said far worse things to you and he isn’t sitting around feeling guilty. You seem to be using your “guilt” for what you said to keep an attachment going to him. You owe him nothing further.

    When you say he asked you for “pictures” – does that mean you gave him nudes of you??

    The very last thing you should be doing right now is getting online and talking to other men or trying to meet them. You are not in emotional shape to do that. You will only get hurt again and then you’ll have some real trauma to deal with. And if alcohol is playing a part in any of this, you need to stop drinking for a while.

    Please like and care for yourself better than you are doing now!! Your behavior, all of this, seems to be a cry for help, beyond what a group of strangers on the internet can provide. Begging you to contacting this guy and get with a professional who can help you work through your pain from the break-up last year, which is what this is likely the true cause of what’s driving you to behave like this. I”m sorry you’re going through this, but you can get help and get to the other side of it and be happy and eventually find love with the right man.

    #939426 Reply

    I meant, begging you to STOP contacting this guy…

    #939433 Reply

    Yes you are right . No I wouldn’t go on a date with anyone it was just a distraction .
    I didn’t send full nudes but pics I had never sent before .
    I’ve been reading up on trauma bond withdrawal and it makes complete sense it’s exactly what I have so thanks for the help here .
    I was seeing a therapist and she just didn’t get it and she encouraged me to see this guy and move on from my ex so I’ve decided not to have another appointment, once I read on trauma bond withdrawal I got it , the obsessive thinking waking early in the morning feeling like you need them . It all makes perfect sense and I know I’m not going crazy now . I’ve stopped contact and will continue to do so and have some hoburs planned for during the week after work . The dating app was just a distraction. No intention on going on a date .

    #939434 Reply

    Did you tell that therapist about all of his bad behavior?? I can’t believe that person would encourage you to keep seeing someone who broke up with you every couple of weeks and treated you like dirt.

    Who the heck told you to go read about “trauma bond withdrawal”??? That’s something better left for a professional to diagnose. That’s just another distraction, one that’s going to keep you hung up on and connected to him!

    Getting on a dating site because you’re “bored” one Saturday night and desperate to avoid your feelings is unconstructive and also unfair to the men there who are really looking for someone to date in person. Leave them out of your drama. If you keep using “distractions” you will not heal from this.

    I’ve said all I can. I hope you will get help but I don’t frankly think you are ready to do the work it will take to heal from this at this stage. Wish you all the best.

    #939437 Reply

    It was mentioned in the posts above about intermittent reinforcement and I was reading about that and trauma bonding . I have all the signs of it over the last two months . Sick stomach also . It has helped me to realise that I m not craving for him As such .
    So it has been helpful . I will try to find a therapist that is aware of this .
    The therapist told nr that I was self sabotaging .i didn’t go into much detail with her at the time . Look I’ve gone no contact will fill my time with healthy hobbies and now I have a good awareness it should help . What else can I do 🤷‍♀️

    #939447 Reply
    Eric Charles

    Hey Sillyoldfool,

    I read what your wrote and I can feel how upsetting it’s been for you to go through all of this. I’m sorry it’s been that way for you and I hope things are better for you soon. Much better.

    I could comment about the guy and the relationship dynamic you described, but I’d rather focus here on the idea of closure.

    See, we have an idea that we want or need closure in order to move on with our life.

    There’s truth to that, but we have to recognize that closure comes entirely from yourself.

    And this is a very big lesson, so pay close attention here and really think about this deeply.

    Most people try to “get” closure through another person. They analyze what happened, they plan what they’d say, they imagine what they want the other person to say… and in conversation they maneuver, negotiate and plead with the other person to give them the response they want.


    Because they think if the other person would just respond in the way they wanted, then they could finally feel there’s closure. They could feel like they understand, like they can accept, like it’s not as bad as they thought, etc.

    It never happens this way.

    But the big lesson I want to get across is that this MINDSET has been the problem the entire time.

    The mindset of trying to get the other person to respond the way you want so you can feel good IS the central problem in the dynamic.

    Think about it.

    If you can, step outside the dynamic you described.

    You felt good to be out on dates again with a guy after your long term relationship ended.

    When you characterized the dynamic of this new relationship, it seemed like you were always at the mercy of his reactions.

    It seemed he was aloof and detached while you were chasing his love, trying to get him to care about you and connect with you.

    Meanwhile, the fuel of the dynamic seemed to be that you wanted a certain response from him and he knew he could dangle that carrot and keep you chasing for it.

    You never got that “carrot”. It was always a hope, a possibility, a potential you saw if you could just connect with him the right way.

    And that brings me to this big point:

    Both of you were trying to get to some feeling through the other person.

    In his case, who knows what he was after. Maybe a feeling of significance, desirability, attention…

    And in your case, maybe you wanted to feel something too.

    I don’t want to assume, but what you describe fits a pattern I’ve seen thousands of times over the years. In these cases, someone in your position was seeking a feeling of being “worthy of love”, “being good enough”, “feeling accepted by a hard-to-get guy”, etc.

    That might not fit you, but my point is that there might still be some emotion you’re trying to get to through wanting closure with him.

    Here’s a great exercise you can try when it comes to closure.

    First off, I’m a big advocate of writing in a journal to help work out your difficult thoughts and emotions. If you’ve never tried it, try it. You might have to push yourself for the first several minutes but when you get into writing in a journal, it can help bring you clarity like nothing else can.

    The main exercise is this:

    Get clear on what you really wish would happen here for closure. What would the perfect closure be? What would it look like, what would he say, what would he do, how would it be?

    This is just an exercise in imagination, there are no limitations. It doesn’t need to be realistic or likely, the exercise here is to just imagine what you wish it would be.

    When you have imagined that, think about the FEELING you would feel now that this has happened. In this imagined scenario, how do you feel now?

    Go into that feeling directly. Give yourself this feeling deeply. Shower in it, drench yourself in it, let it soak through you to the very depths of your soul.

    Stay here in this feeling of having that ideal closure you want. You are going past the ideas and images of that ideal scenario and just living here inside this feeling directly.

    Doing this exercise is far more healing than obsessing over how you’ll get closure “from him”.

    Go into the feeling directly. Give it to yourself directly.

    Do this as many times as you need to. It will bring you the closure you want. It will heal you and you’ll emerge stronger, wiser and more beautiful than ever.

    If you have to go to this exercise 10 times, go to it 10 times. If you have to go to it 100 times, fine, go to it 100 times.

    The point is that this is the fastest, easiest and most direct route to healing that you can take. “Giving yourself the feeling you’re trying to get to” is the way to resolve the suffering you’ve been feeling.

    I hope this made sense, good luck with everything.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Eric Charles.
    #939467 Reply

    Hi thanks so much for your response. Yes I know I was looking for closure from him . I didn’t get it . When I spoke to him on the phone he said “ no one ever asked him what I asked him “ I asked him was he talking to other women on Instagram from dating apps . Like Is that a crime ?
    He was still defending that I shouldn’t have asked him and I was defending my reasons for asking that I didn’t want him wasting my time . I said he’d never had s relationship longer than three months so 🤷‍♀️
    It was just horrible the breaking up every two weeks would leave me depressed and in bed fir a day . The hoovering and benching like he would say leave it a few days and we’ll see . We woukd have plans made fir the weekend and I’d be left on my own at short notice . I can see the wood from the trees now . I am focusing on my self not dating and exercising reading and other things . It’s nearly 11 weeks and I’m only starting to sleep properly now . I still think about it because I have to so I can see the signs but it’s not as obsessive .
    I think what he said after cut me that he didn’t love me snd never woukd as he never had loved anyone . Then he brought up another girl he did like that is now with his friend .
    Also the breaking up by text was grief . We spoke every day for six months and he was with me the day before saying we d buy a house together etc and then all because I text him a question he flipped . He even tried to say on the phone if I had rang him and said it to him instead of texting things might have been different .
    I know they wouldn’t be but I think that is kind of manipulative and the fact is he didn’t love me anyway so no I could never trust him and I’d always feel like he’s on the look out . Ah would I be with someone that doesn’t love me 🤷‍♀️

    It’s just been hell but maybe he was the distraction I needed from my first relationship and it just came back to bite me in the ass two fold 🤷‍♀️ I’m very grateful for the help here . I won’t be contacting him again . I m still annoyed that he can’t see it from my point of view but I have to move on from thst . I do think it was intermittent reinforcement the breaking up and getting back together I was addicted to the highs even though they weren’t all that great . I just made a bad choice in man but I’m afraid to go near any man for a while now . I’ll work on myself and get my confidence back up and thanks so much x

    #939485 Reply
    Eric Charles

    “I can see the wood from the trees now.”

    That’s a great way to say it. When I read that, I knew that you are indeed on the path to regaining your clarity.

    You’re OK, you’ll be OK.

    I’m glad this forum has helped you. I’m wishing you good luck as you move forward, and if there’s any time you need more support, come back and post here. That’s why this forum exists. :)

    #939494 Reply

    Thanks again it’s still in my head unfortunately but I am doing more activities . I went back playing a sport last night I hadn’t played since pre Covid , went for a long walk on the beach today practising breathing exercises and paying attention to nature , playing music etc . It’s really hard my brain is still trying to figure it out but I’m trying to be more present .
    I keep wondering when will I forget this 🙈the more I try to forget the more I won’t . It’s been ten week now and just a week since no contact so hopefully as no contact goes on longer it ll get easier . I don’t feel like contacting him .

    #939553 Reply

    Hi I just wanted to update everyone that was so kind . Three months later my head is totally cleared . I can make sense if it now . I do think I went through withdrawals and if anyone is going through the same thing i really emphasise . Some things I’ve learned are I made the process longer by not starting no contact sooner but I forgive myself for that . Some things I did that helped were

    1 ) hobbies playing music and returning to sport even though I didn’t feel like it at the start
    2) I did hypnotherapy it wasn’t a cure but it definitely helped
    3) went on dates with myself like long walks in nature focusing on breathing and colours etc
    4 ) read a book called power that helped me to understand the dynamics of toxic relationships and when I thought I was in pain over missing him it helped me realise that my body was telling me the opposite to stay away
    5) even though my head was distracted and obsessing it wasn’t really about him or getting him back it was my brain processing what happened
    6 ) doing things at the start don’t feel like they are helping but eventually new memories are created
    7 ) the ups and downs and handing over my power was prob about a relationship with my mother more than him
    8 ) I was definitely love bombed at the start
    9 ) any man that wants to do a three some with my friend has no genuine concern or care or thought for my feelings
    10 ) I’ve to stop looking for validation from other people and give it to myself

    My head is clear . What s dumb ass he is telling me I’m insecure for asking him if he’s talking to other women . He needs a woman he can condition to not ask question s and that’s why he’s never had a meaningful relationship with anyone at nearly 40 .
    It was a horrible experience but I’m out the other side after three months 😊

    #939554 Reply

    So glad to read this… This is sort of a reaffirmation for me! Thanks!

    #939555 Reply

    That’s a great update! Sounds like you’re well on your way to better things ahead.

    #939560 Reply

    Sounds gud. All the best…

    #940099 Reply

    Hi ok d everyone here is prob going to give out y me but I should use known really .

    My father died two weeks ago . The above guy dropped a card into my house when I wasn’t there in the letterbox and was texting saying he wanted to meet up to sympathise . I said the card and texts were suffice and thanks very much , I knew if I said anymore it would cause an argument.after a few times of him contacting me I finally said I don’t think there’s any point in meeting up going over old ground after the dumping by text snd comments about threesomes with my friends there is just no point .

    He came back at me saying everyone dumps by text dating is a cut throat game snd that’s how it is and ask any man and they would all sleep with someone a friends if they were honest snd I should’nt be mad at him for being honest . I got completely triggered I am grieving and went a bit crazy calling him a pervert and that his ideas of women are totally perverse and not normal and that he is prob a porn addict .

    He kept justifying what he said And texting saying any guy would say the same It’s my opinion and I’m not backing down .

    This has completely upset me as I had completely forgotten about him . I text him and said I don’t know why you would do this to me when your grieving and keep an argument going there’s are no winners in this arguemen just egos and hurt feelings .

    All he says then is ok delete me block me bye .

    Why would someone stir up an argument and then say move on bye 👋 block me .

    The mind just boggles and I can’t understand it . I’m trying to refocus on my grief but it completely knocked me side ways .

    He still had total power over me to upset me like that . He is blocked on everything now for good .

    I feel toxic for getting into a row about threesomes at the time of my fathers death . I’ve returned his sympathy card in the post .

    #940102 Reply

    He thought you’d come running…
    Good for You being strong!

    Now, delete, everything & block him.

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