Can someone help me make sense of this


Home Forums Break Up Advice Can someone help me make sense of this

  • This topic has 41 replies and was last updated 5 months ago by Raven.
Viewing 17 posts - 26 through 42 (of 42 total)
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  • #940104 Reply
    AngieBaby

    I’m sorry about your father.

    He has total power over you because you keep handing it over. So stop handing it over. He dropped off a card. So what? That didn’t need a response after the way he’s treated you. You talked to him at a time you didn’t have the emotional capacity for more problems. And you wasted your valuable time returning the card – you should have just binned it. That’s under your control. And now you’re trying to figure out why he contacted you again, blah blah blah. WHO CARES? As Raven pointed out, he thought you’d come running back because you always do. And you didn’t so that’s a big step forward. Now keep going and put him behind you once and for all, he’s not worth all this kerfuffle. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up for feeling toxic. Just decide to stop letting people trigger you.

    Please hear this loud and clear: he still knows he’s got you so he’s going to keep coming at you until he realizes he hasn’t got any more power over you. He’ll come at you again, I guarantee it, because he got such s big reaction out of you. ANYTHING you say or do in response just feeds him and gives him more power. Total silence will tell him more than a million words. Whatever else he does – shrug and ignore it. Don’t try to figure out why he’s doing anything. He’s not a healthy person. Now you choose you and choose to be a healthy person and quit giving a rap what he does. Put your focus on more positive things. And you have some work to do grieving the loss of your father. That’s sacred. Don’t let him intrude on that again. Decide your peace of mind is more important than the emotional charge of being involved in big drama.

    #940106 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    I feel disgusting after it

    #940107 Reply
    AngieBaby

    Well, sorry to be hard on you, but that’s your choice to feel that way and it’s on you to change it. This guy is an a-hole and YOU feel bad?? What a waste of your time and energy. Please have better regard for yourself than this.

    #940120 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    I went a bit psycho over the texts and I’m embarrassed about it . I’ll go easy on myself my dad just died and I’m grieving. I do feel like he has the power now cos he’ll think I’m just a crazy b . Anyway he has brought nothing to my life but anxiety and grief. Breaking up every two weeks it’s traumatising and then I lost my dad he comes back and blocks me snd it’s all another loss or I felt threatened if that makes sense .

    I feel a psycho for getting so mad

    #940121 Reply
    Maddie

    He has absolutely no power. Any power he has is in your own head, and he’s blocked and out of your life, so repeat it: he has absolutely no power. It doesn’t matter if you got mad, and it doesn’t matter what he thinks about you. He’s really messed up, why would you define yourself by his opinions? Saying all that stuff about how basically all men objectify women and their friends took the cake. He’s avoiding taking any responsibility or doing any introspection by claiming any man is that way (they’re not), and since you’re not a man, you can’t argue his experience. It’s total BS, and lazy at that! He’s total BS, don’t let him live rent-free in your head, use your emotional energy to mourn your dad.

    #940134 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    Thanks again . I’ve stopped beating myself up and focusing on my grieving . I really didn’t need that it’s just funny how he gas the ability to make me wonder if I’m crazy . I had a counselling session after anyway and she said he said he threw a hook and you went for it .

    Anyway I’m ok with never having any contact with this man again . I regret my behaviour but happy the whole thing makes he realise he’s just no good .

    #940799 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    Hi can’t believe I’m still
    Posting on this ye will all kill me .

    I blocked him on everything and actually started a really expensive 8 weeks intensive course on healing inner child wounds that get people into in
    Healthy relationships etc .I’m just one week into it and feeling great and who did I see randomly at a gas station only himself which was completely random . He didn’t see me and I emailed him after – stupid I know and anyway he told me he’s with someone now .

    #940802 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Good that you are healing. Just focus on that. He is seeing someone, leave him alone. You need to work on your own boundaries with yourself. You abandon you every time you contact him.

    #940805 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    I was completely addicted to him it’s frightening and when I look it’s not the first time in my life this has happened . I guess if I’ve learned anything it’s not question myself i questioned everything and put it down to me being insecure . And went with what he said

    #940806 Reply
    Raven

    I’m curious, why did you email him after you saw him randomly?

    #940824 Reply
    Mary

    Get what you truly deserve by getting right with yourself FIRST. Raven gave wobderful advice.

    #940825 Reply
    Mary

    *wonderful

    #940855 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    Hi someone asked why did I email him ?

    To be honest I struggled with the whole thing . The counsellor I’m seeing believes it was abuse it was hard for me to see thst because he could be so nice .

    My mother is also similar doesn’t validate , stone walls and gaslights and is controlling so it seems this was lull so familiar to me and that I needed his validation . I needed closure I was never going to get because i was blind sighted and it was a cruel discard and I blamed myself .

    So basically to be honest I reached out again looking for closure / validation and I know I’m never gonna get it.

    I’m working on myself blocked him on everything and I understand that I have wounds to heal that kept me attached to him . Not sure if that makes sense but I’m doing lots of grounding / somatic work etc .

    My head was so addled after him I couldn’t go on a date ir anything . Now of course I wonder if this new womsn is prettier / better than me but then I think he ll be the same to her that he was to me and it’s a pattern for him . She’s a tiny new toy now and I’m sure she’s getting lots of attention that won’t last .

    Anyway I’m working on me and it’s going good .I’ve only had two sessions and feel the difference already and have another six to go 😊

    #940857 Reply
    Raven

    Keep healing 🙏🏼

    #940858 Reply
    Sillyoldfool

    I posted here earlier today and the post doesn’t seem to be here . Ya I emailed him because a part of me looks for his closure and validation. So through the work I’m doing I can see I have the same dynamic with my mother .

    She gives me a hard time stone walls gaslight and then I chase her to make things ok .

    Im only starting to see this now . So this pattern with him we very familiar to me the guilt I felt and having to make things ok and look for validation and abandon myself .

    So I’m s grown adult and my mother gave out to me yesterday for not answering the phone to her on Friday night and then I called her today to make things right and she said the exact same things he would say oh I can’t do anything right by you I’m always wrong with you .

    It’s actually scary and totally embarrassing that I’ve looked to make things ok and get validated by their man when I reality I ve been playing out a toxic / unhealthy dynamic that’s all too familiar to me and I’ve lost my dignity in the process .it’s embarrassing 🙈

    #943277 Reply
    Wasitforthebest

    Hi

    Thanks to everyone that commented here . I’m slightly embarrassed reading over what I wrote . I was so stuck and naive and heavily gaslit , my brain was absolutely tortured , questioning myself etc . I felt so worthless at that time over him but I was so trauma bonded over him and the cognitive dissonance was so bad .

    Update – still healing from that fiasco . Heard from him afte r I went no contact just hoping I was well etc , but I asked him not to contact me again . He is blocked on everything. I wouldn’t wish a trauma bond on anyone it really is the worst experience ever but I’m ok 🙂

    #943278 Reply
    Raven

    Thanks for the update 🙏🏼
    Glad you’re doing better… Merry Christmas!

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