Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Can i get some point views on this please?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
kaye.
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AP
I AM DATING THIS GUY FOR TWO MONTHS NOW.
He is divorced with three kids and has his own home and seems financially comfortable. He has not told me exactly why he is divorced. Told me his ex was not happy and he used to get heated arguments and during the divorce she had removed on the basis that he was violent. He sees his kids once per week and every two weekends. the kids has already met me. Not sure what he said to them as far as who am I.
I have spend a couple weekends at his place and last time was a Thursday night.
On Friday morning, he went to work, and came back at 10:00 AM, got the vaccum and cleaned the living room, and bedroom and when I went to make the bed, he said no need, I am replacing it. He took all the pillow cases and all the bedding and took to the laundry room and said that his kids would be over that night and they could smell that he had a girl there. That they could smell sex. Now his house has three bedrooms and the kids have their own rooms. kids are 17,15,12. all boys.
I said nothing. He took me to the train station and I went to work.
**** he has a best friend from Hight school. He is a financial adviser. He told me that his best friend does all his investments and has access to all his financials. They also have a bunch of Realestate together. Rental homes and apartments in NY and Cape Cod.
He took his children on a cruise last summer and the cruise left from Miami. We are in CT. He said that his best friend met with him and the children in Miami. He also showed me a booklet from a Hawaii Luau propaganda and the cover of the business booklet has him, his best friend and another friend. he keeps the booklet on his dresser.
I have asked him to meet his friend so he can give me some financial advice and he avoided all three times.
I met his friend for a few minutes once. I was not not dating him yet.
I am concerned that this friend is a lover.
Should I ask?
Am I seeing too much here?
He does not call me every night. he texts me often.
Last night I sent a text saying, What you up too handsome?
he replied,
Opps, Phone goes silent at 10:00PM
I”ll allow your text to bypass it.
this morning I got a text saying
Good morning beautiful Babe o Rama. I have never heard this expression before. so I said, I am assuming is a positive message. I have never heard it before.
he replied: It’s Great. This is You at the Babe of Babes and sent kisses.Am I reading too much?
he is 55 I am 56.Peggy
Hi-I am not sure what this guy’s deal is-but it is obvious you are skeptical and suspicious of him. So either your intuition is “telling” you something or you are just an insecure type that is always overthinking things and looking for trouble.
He has a best friend that he does business and goes on holidays with sometimes ( with the kids) and he is fussy about housework-is this the “proof” to you that he is secretly gay? My main take away from your letter,without more info,is that the two of you are not compatible. You don’t seem very accepting of him. As for getting his friend to give you money advice-you two have barely started dating and that is pushy on your part. Also people that advise in any area (Dr., therapist,decorator etc.) do not want to give their services away for free-why should they? Plus if he gave you wrong advice,it could cause problems. I do not think it was wierd that your guy avoided you meeting his friend in that csapacity. Maybe the friend is gay,possible I guess and the two are just friends. Many people have gay friends they are not in a relationship with. I think you have a few issues with stereotypes and jumping to conclusions. I am back to thinking you two are not compastible and that you sound “difficult”.Kathy
I think it’s tacky that he said “My kids can smell sex”.. Three kids that age would be a lot for you to deal with.. He has quite a bit of parenting to do.
And sometimes when there’s smoke, there’s fire. Seems like you think there is smoke there.
I’m not sure this is a relationship I would get too deep into until I found out more about him and his possible intentions for you. You don’t want to be part of the wallpaper, if you get my drift.
Tallspicy
What gender is the friend?
Why has no one else mentioned that this man has a history of violence? That is a deal breaker unless in therapy. Period.
AP
Kathy
You got my point. Is not that i am gay phobic. Not at all. I have many gay friends and family people that are gay.
Is the fact he is always mentioning this guy.
He mentioned he had a girlfriend. When I asked about he said that girlfriend no more. He has never been married and has no kids. He is our age. The whole thing of his kids could tell he had a woman there made no sense, since his kids already knows me.
I like Your advice. Slow and steady but not get to involved.
I am very suspicious he is a lover.
His older and his younger kids has lots of anger towards him. Specially the older one.AP
Tallspicy
The friend is a Male
kaye
First of all you are absolutely correct at 2 months to be observing what he says and does. However, you seem to be more focused on the fact his friend could be his lover than the fact he has told you he is violent and his wife divorced him because of it!! I went out on a few dates with a guy who told me something similar. I stalked his ex wife on Facebook and she was posting about police coming to the house, physical violence and restraining orders!! When he asked why I didn’t want to see him again, I told him the truth. He admitted to the restraining order and got pissed and said there are 2 sides to every story! I said I totally understood that but I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage with my ex husband and I just wasn’t going to go there again. All I know if a judge had enough evidence to give his ex wife a restraining order while they were going through the divorce and that was all I needed to know!
I actually find it strange you have already met his children. Especially considering they are all teenagers it’s not easy to try to pull the…this is just a friend… line on them. As far as what he said about the sex that’s pretty gross and he could have worded it differently but it’s possible the kids come climbing into his bed to watch movies or just wake him up over the weekend and he doesn’t want them crawling in on sheets the two of you have had sex on! Totally understandable.
I don’t see anything nefarious about two best friends taking their kids on vacations together or having investments together. We go on cruises with my husband’s best friend and his kids and they also own real estate and businesses together. I think you are seeing way too much here trying to turn this into a romantic/lover relationship with his friend. But I do think it’s pushy of you at just 2 months to be wanting to meet his friend for financial advice. And if I was not sure I saw long term potential with a guy I was dating I wouldn’t be setting up a meeting with him to be a new client of my best friend!I like that he has boundaries regarding not texting him after 10 at night. I think his good morning beautiful Babe o Rama text was in response to your handsome text the night before when he realized he had scolded you about the time instead of responding. Wouldn’t read anything into that either. But would definitely try to figure out this violent past before I invested too much time into the relationship!
Liz Lemon
I agree with everything that’s been said here.
Why are you dating someone you’re so suspicious of? I don’t get that. If you think he has a lover (male or female), why would you date him?
It’s tacky to expect his friend to give you financial advice. I assume you wanted it for free. That’s never a reasonable thing to expect, no matter how long you’ve been dating, but especially after only 2 months. It’s unfair to expect a professional to do work for you for free just because you’re dating his friend.
I’m also surprised you met the kids after only 2 months, like Kaye said. That’s very soon. And his kids have a lot of anger towards him? sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic and a bad idea to bring a girlfriend into the mix, honestly. So I question his judgement on that.
And yes I agree with the comments about his history of violence, you say you don’t really know why he divorced but his wife had him put out of the house for being violent? That’s a huge thing to gloss over. You’re picking apart the words he uses in his texts, and seem to have an unreasonable suspicion that this friend is his gay lover, but you’re not at all concerned about the fact his ex wife had him put out for violence?
AP
Wow Kay.
You broke this down well.
I met the kids on a very casual way. His ex was busy and asked him to give the kid a ride to a friends house. It was not his weekend to see the kids and I was there with him. He showed where the kids goes to school, where he works and all. We had a great weekend.
I know is crazy. My ex traveled with his best friends also.
Is just that he brings this guy’s name up too often.
I am going to keep my ears wild open for the violence issue. His ex wife is on FB, but isn’t crossing the line contacting her?
He gets up at 5:45 am, so he does goes to bed early. Even when I was there on the weekends his bes time is no later than 11:00PM.Peggy
I noted the violence thing and forgot to mention because I got sidetracked. That is something you need to ask questions about. Could be a red flag for sure.
AP
I agree with the hot temper ( as he put it). He said I used to be like that. His ex has custody and as soon as. They got divorced she put her 9 years old on a mental inst. Because he was out of control and she can not handle him. He said is because he does not accept the divorce. He has been divorced for four years now.
And, NO. I did not ask to meet his friend for free. I am not looking for free advice. He said himself that I need to meet with His friend so he can guide me into the right investments. I would meet him at his office.
I will keep my eyes and ears open. I am dating him because all I have now is suspicions. I don’t to leave him without knowing the thuth. Otherwise I am leaving based on suspicions.kaye
Yes, it would clearly be crossing a line to contact the ex!! Has he mentioned whether he has had any counseling for anger management or counseling in general? If his ex got custody of the kids it makes me think there could have been something to the anger issues. But sometimes if a dad doesn’t fight for joint custody the court just gives him every other weekend and Wednesdays. That’s standard in the US.
Is the son permanently in a mental institution or is this the 12 year old you’re speaking about earlier? Mental illness can be hereditary so I would also be worried as to whether this guy you’re dating has a history of mental illness in his family. I know none of these are easy questions to ask!!
But truthfully after 3-4 months it’s hard for a guy to be on his best behavior constantly and you will being to see cracks if they exist. Happened to me with a guy I met when online dating. I had told him my ex was an alcoholic and abusive and how I would never put up with that again. I came home after work one day to find him sitting on my porch drunk! He had gotten into a fight with his boss, lost his job and the apartment that came with the job. He was drunk and belligerent. When I suggested maybe he should talk to his boss the next day when he’s had time to calm down he started screaming at me how he wasn’t a coward and he was going to stand up for what is right and I”m not going to tell him what to do etc. He even cussed me out calling me names. I threw him out of my house and told him we were done.
It’s one thing to be having a bad day. Totally another to take it out on the person you’re seeing when they are trying to be helpful. He begged me to take him back but I had seen enough. There had been a couple other times when he had almost crossed the line. So in my experience I’ve learned a few months in you will start to see the real person and it will become clear.
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