This topic contains 45 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Steph 3 months ago.
March 28, 2019 at 9:58 am #744229
Just looking for a place to vent I guess. Just mutually broke up with my boyfriend of almost seven months last night and the pain is so bad. We decided on no contact for at least 2 weeks with a possible check in after but we are not going to be seeing each other in the near future in order to move on. I know it gets better with time but everything I look at makes me think of him. It’s hard when you both love each other but aren’t IN love with each other. We slowly discovered that we just werent a good match. Packing my stuff from his apartment last night is one of the most excruciating things I’ve done. At one point, we both entertained the idea of marriage but realized we just aren’t the ones for each other. How long have other people here taken to heal before they felt ready again? I can’t even bear the thought of seeing another man for awhile right now and I know that will get better but I am very slow to heal.
Thanks for the adviseMarch 28, 2019 at 11:28 am #744237
Just take it all one day at a time. Eventually things get better.
I would highly suggest not to check in at all. If you do its probably going to set you back.
Sorry this happened but, all in due time you’ll meet your match.March 28, 2019 at 12:56 pm #744260
He’s always kept his word but for some reason i’m not sure if he’ll actually reach out. Either way I have to move on regardless.March 28, 2019 at 1:01 pm #744261
Well he is no longer your boyfriend. And at this point owes you nothing.
Again don’t check in, nothing will change in a few weeks and all it does is reopen a wound.March 28, 2019 at 1:19 pm #744272
How long it takes to heal greatly depends on if you keep picking at the wound–checking his social media, asking mutual friends about him, going to places you think he’ll be, keeping reminders of him such as old texts, etc. Scrub your life of all reminders and go complete no contact.March 28, 2019 at 1:29 pm #744276
I am sorry you are going through this. Take comfort in knowing you will see things evem more clearly than now as to why the noncompatability…hindsight being 20 20 vision. A new hobby right mow would be ideal.March 28, 2019 at 1:48 pm #744282
I had every intention of staying the night too and he surprised me by suggesting that it would be better if I didn’t because it would make everything that much more painful spending the night after having just ended things. We sobbed with each other for a couple hours and then he ordered me a car home. I guess I felt angry almost as if I was being kicked out but that just shows how different we are. He grieves by himself whereas I seek comfort. Don’t know if I’m being too harsh on him because it’s so raw or not.March 28, 2019 at 2:04 pm #744284
One of you is pretending to be sad…. if both are so sad, you won’t break upMarch 28, 2019 at 2:12 pm #744287
He was right to ask you to go. Why add to the pain you’re already feeling? You can’t seek comfort from the person who broke your heart! It’s like asking the person who just shot you for a band aid. It doesn’t work that way. I have to agree with the others that having a designated check in at 2 weeks is just going to set you back to the beginning. It will be a huge mistake. It took you almost 7 months to realize you two weren’t a match. It sucks, but someday you will realize this was for the absolute best when you meet the person you are meant to be with. It doesn’t mean you won’t get your heart broken along the way. But meeting the right person has a way of healing all those old hurts and making them worth it!!March 28, 2019 at 2:40 pm #744290
Thanks for the objective opinions everyone. The thought of moving on seems very hard right now. I definitely need to take time for myself. Not sure if it’s a better idea to try and just delete all pics of us from my phone or if that will make it worse if I actually do see a pic of him somewhere and trigger some emotional pain. Just really lost right now.March 28, 2019 at 6:15 pm #744314
Dear OP it’s so very painful, we can all relate
Why don’t you check in here ever few days? Let this forum listen to how you’re doing. You’ll get through this, and I suspect you know thatMarch 29, 2019 at 5:03 am #744332
I went through the same thing with my last ex. We had been together for almost 5 years. From the moment we went no contact it took me about a year to really get over him. Went through the whole nine yards: a small time of Grey area, fwb situation with him, getting clingy with another guy, getting infatuated with another etc. Until I realized it was me I had to be with. So I took a break for dating and took care of me.
I think in your case it could take much less. Just hang in there and take care of yourself. Just give it time and one day you’ll wake up completely free. You can do this!March 29, 2019 at 7:47 am #744335
Thanks for the kind words ladies. Every day is like a roller coaster right now. I’m completely fine one minute and the. The next minute I’m balling my eyes out. I’m trying to surround myself with friends and family. Went to dinner with a gal pal last night which I was very much in need of. Of course a few things reminded me of him but as she and I ate I began to temporarily forget about everything as we chatted. Deep down I know he’s not the one for me but he was so good to me and part of me fears I won’t find someone like that again.March 29, 2019 at 8:50 am #744340
Sorry your going thru this. Healing for everyone is different. But I think that devestating pain is very short lived maybe a few days to a week or two. I mean it still will hurt, but that gut kicked in the stomach fades after some days.
After two years of being together I had gotten over my last breakup pretty quickly. Initially I felt like I wouldnt date for months, but after a few weeks of being single and alone after a two yr relationship, I felt free. I felt good about myself for once, and positive so after a month I slowly started to entertain men. I mean I was glowing so brightly I started to attract all types of attention. Met my partner shortly after. So just see how you feel in a few weeks, and take it easy. Focus on your inner happiness it will shine thru if its trueMarch 29, 2019 at 9:02 am #744342
Unfortunately this is the worst part of falling in love and it not working out the way you hoped or envisioned it would. The good news is we heal and able to love again so although you may feel heartbroken now in time you will feel better and open to loving the man you were meant to be with. :o)March 29, 2019 at 11:15 am #744345
I agree. The worst thought, and I know I shouldn’t be torturing myself with these thoughts, is thinking of him hooking up with other women. It just kills me to think about that even though men grieve relationships on a very different level and hooking up is a way for them heal their pain. It’s just so upsetting to think of someone I’ve loved for the last 7 months of my life would be able to move on like that if he did start sleeping with other people so soon when I can’t bear the thought of even speaking to another man right now.March 29, 2019 at 12:27 pm #744352
I agree with the others saying not to check in after two weeks. I know the two of you agreed to, but I do not think that is not enough time. I think at the two week mark you will probably be just on the verge of not crying and missing him every 5 mins, and texting would only set you back. All this advice is really hard to apply when you’re in the middle of it.
Some thing that really REALLY helped me with my last break up was journaling. It started when I would feel super sad or wanted to text him. I would literally write in my journal, “How are you feeling right now?” And I would start writing as if I was talking to a friend. The days I wanted to text him I would write “why do you want to text him” or “what outcome are you expecting” and my favorite one “how are you going to feel when he doesn’t respond”. Some times I would spend an hour asking myself these different questions and answering them and before I knew it, the feeling passed or I was strong enough not to give into the urge. I know it sounds super cheesy but I really helped me and I still do it to this day in regards to other aspects of my life. It really helps me to focus on the real underlying issue or feeling and instead of making emotional decisions, it allows me to make better decisions that I don’t regret later.March 29, 2019 at 1:32 pm #744367
Agree that you shouldn’t check in. The harsh definition of
a break up is you are choosing not to be in each other’s lives anymore which is why it’s so sad. The moving on process doesn’t begin until you accept that no contact really means you are ceasing to communicate because you aren’t getting back together. That seems so alien to you right now, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for you both. It feels hopeless and dispair right now, but just hold on, it gets better. Keep busy and be kind to yourself. XxMarch 29, 2019 at 1:35 pm #744368
Things are very raw right now, so just allow yourself to grieve and do what you need to do. Cry it out. Punch a pillow. Go through all the emotions. (in the privacy of your own home, of course) Then, when you start thinking a little clearer, please remember that there are MANY men out there. This was not your man. Your man is still out there…and he’s looking for you! There’s a reason they say “plenty of fish in the sea”. It’s the law of abundance! This man is NOT the only man out there. Google abundance. It will help you heal. And yes, TIME helps heal the most. You will be OK. ;)March 29, 2019 at 3:21 pm #744376
I guess part of me also is having a hard time with hoe he acted a little. He’s never been cold to me but he avoided giving me a long kiss at the end for one last time. Instead, I asked him if I could kiss him and he said yes and basically pecked me on the lips. When he hugged me on the way out we embraced for few seconds and he turned his face as I leaned in so I ended up kissing him on the cheek which was very hurtful for me. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as he likes to close off when he grieves and has never even remotely acted like this before but it just stung a little. He did kiss me on the forehead but I just wanted that last kiss.March 29, 2019 at 3:22 pm #744377
Wow, typos galore. Meant “how” not “hoe” lol.March 29, 2019 at 5:01 pm #744387
He acted different because you just broke up. That immediately means you are no longer people that kiss. He was trying to be strong and respect the boundary/ not confuse matters. He sounds pretty decent! XMarch 29, 2019 at 5:32 pm #744394
Steph- I had a similar experience with a bf. We had a fight, broke up mutually, and then when I went to his place to have a talk with him- literally one week after sleeping with him, he greeted me with what he called a “side hug”. He had already put that boundary in place and while that might be healthy, it was so hurtful. It’s amazing how you can go from complete intimacy to strangers so quickly.March 29, 2019 at 6:21 pm #744402
Honestly I think part of why I’m taking this so hard is because I’m so scared of being alone. Going to be 27 in a couple months and the dating pool just gets smaller and smaller. I’ve generally felt that men who are still single after 30 usually have a not so good reason and that worries me. It’s so odd. I’d go on dates with men who were over 30 and lots of them were immature, had a lot of baggage, or just were so the opposite of what I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want to be stuck with what’s left of poor dating prospects by the time
I’m ready to start dating again.March 29, 2019 at 11:08 pm #744405
It is difficult not to be sad after a breakup. It is a time of mourning, mourning the relationship. To stop thinking about him you have to do exercise, pay attention to your breathing as much as you can, every time that you begin to think about him, change your attention to your breathing, to the sounds around you.
Sometimes tears just flow like a river.
Journal was mentioned by one of the participants of the forums. It a good form of releasing your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself questions: What do I really desire? what did I learn from this experience? Usually, the people that are not with us anymore were with us to teach us a life lesson.
I do not know why you two broke up, you said you were not meant to be with each other anymore but you wanted the last kiss and felt hurt when he did not want to kiss you back. Take into consideration that most men are not perfect, the same as most women are not perfect either. Was the situation with him that bad that the relationship had to end?.
Take into consideration that you can find a better man but once you marry there will be other situations that couples have to deal with. The important thing is both of you will have to talk and do things to feel love and respect.
Men desire to be respected, women desire to be loved. It is in the application of good communication skills and actions that show respect and love, respect of boundaries, knowing him and yourself and what you really desire, that you can create your life.