This topic contains 45 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Steph 1 year, 2 months ago.
March 31, 2019 at 11:33 am #744516
I’ll be taking some of the suggestions listed here. Thankfully I haven’t had the urge to contact him because I’m starting to process my feelings and realizing more how we were not a good fit. Doesn’t make the hurt any less but at least I know we made the right decision that was best for the both of us.March 31, 2019 at 12:24 pm #744519
Two people can both be in pain from a break up when they both are realizing incompatability. I have lived the same scenario. Even thpugh you fell in love, it doesn’t always mean you are right for each other.March 31, 2019 at 2:05 pm #744521
I’m sorry and it really does suck to go through this. It will get better but the time between now and better can be trying.
I have phrases that I’d repeat over and over to myself when a break up that hit me hard happened:
“I made it through X years just fine before meeting you. I’ll make it through X more just fine without you.”
“I didn’t need you to breathe before meeting. I don’t need you to continue breathing now.”
“I thought I’d never get over (so and so). I did. You aren’t any different.”
I found something as simple as having your own wording for a few different ways to pull out for reminding yourself you are more resilient than you think you are at the moment helped more than I ever would have thought. It kept my focus narrowed so no matter how much my thoughts wandered and made a cloudy mess without a resolution in sight, I could find a resolution by bringing it all back around to one of those clear points. It also didn’t leave me feeling like I was just reciting one hollow catch phrase that felt fake and contrived.
It might sound silly or like putting too much importance on a mind trick but sometimes it’s the little things that help you get through the bigger things.
See of finding your own little something that works for you helps. You’re stronger than you think at times like these. Don’t lose sight of that.March 31, 2019 at 5:58 pm #744541
Today has been a tougher one. I’m overanalyzing some of the things we said to each other when we broke up. He is a good man but part of me wonders if he is who I thought he was this whole time because of the way he acted and some of the things he said when I was at his house the very last time. He’s never made the statement “i promise’ and this time he did, when he said he’d check in with me in 2 weeks. In my experience, people who use this statement in fact do the exact opposite of what they promise. And he said something to the effect of ‘this is why I said I didn’t want to hurt you.’. That was another problem that kept coming up in our relationship. We discussed it many times and he said it’s because he’s been a commitment phobe in the past and feels as if he always does something to drive the other person away. So it made me wonder how long he had been feeling this way about me because he asked me if I was ever worried about hurting him and I told him ‘no because I know in my heart I never would.’ And he couldn’t make that same statement to me, probably because deep down he knew the potential was there. I guess I’m just struggling thinking about maybe he’s not the person I thought he was and that’s starting to bother me alot right now.March 31, 2019 at 6:54 pm #744544
I appreciate the phrase- never choose a man who doesn’t choose you- and I would try to remember to not waste my emotional energy on someone who did not choose meApril 2, 2019 at 7:55 pm #744834
This is still so hard. I talked to a coworker today and told her about it. She went through some similar stuff about a month ago. And she said something interesting, in that she only allowed herself to mourn for about a month. I asked her why and she said “because I knew I was better than that to spend my time being sad over someone who didn’t try for me”.
She raised a very valid point. But I really don’t think I’ll be okay in a month. What does everyone think? Part of me wants to not rush my healing and my time whether that means one month or three. But then the other part of me really likes her way of handling it. Anyone have an opinion ?April 2, 2019 at 8:13 pm #744835
It’s up to you. 6 months in thr scheme of life is really nothing. If you want to mourn almost as long as the relationship lasted that’s up to you. I think if a man doesn’t want to be with you, what’s to mourn?April 3, 2019 at 5:18 am #744852
Hi Steph, I know you’re low right now and thinking the worst. But being on your own right now and eventually becoming comfortable and happy with this will be the MOST beneficial lesson you’ll ever learn. Trust the process. This independence is actually the very thing that will lead you directly to the man you’re supposed to be with – the most happy and healthy type of relationship.
27 is a baby! I hate to break it to you, but there’s crappy guys around whatever age you are when you date. But there are also gems at every stage when you look more closely!
So its time to knuckle down, deal with the pain, start thinking about yourself as a single person and what YOU want/like/enjoy.. and guess what? You actually get to go ahead and do/ give yourself all of these things. It will be the best time of your life!!!April 3, 2019 at 7:26 am #744855
Right now all your doing is keep thinking over and over about things that happened between you guys.as time goes by this will lessen. besides you know and admit that you guys are not a good fit. so breaking up makes total sense which was a mutual decision. one day you will suddenly realise it doesn’t hurt so much and you will feel lighter. you should try filling your time with more activities and meet lots of friends and family over the weekends. if your occupied you will have less time to brood. anyways its good both you realised that you guys are not a good fit before commitment.April 3, 2019 at 8:07 am #744856
Writing down how you are feeling works well so you can look back and see the progress you have made with your thoughts and feelings. Time of grieving depends on so many things. I agree with the post that says getting through this will be one of the most important things you do for yourself.
Go out and get a journal today.April 3, 2019 at 5:28 pm #744960
You need to build history without him in your life. And, we all fall in love with a fantasy…the closer the person is to the fantasy the better…but those who step outside those lines risk the end of the dream and the break through of reality which might not be as pretty or wanted.April 3, 2019 at 5:39 pm #744963
I’d highly suggest you start finding things to keep your mind occupied.
Perhaps go work out, read some books, plan a trip with some girlfriends, or decorate. Whatever hobbies you are into.
Right now you keep playing back what he said and over analyzing it. I think the suggestion of the coworker was a good one.
You give yourself some time to just feel whatever you need to feel and then move forward.
I think you are still waiting around for him to reach out for a check in. Just be prepared that he doesn’t because if you expect him to you will be crushed if he doesn’t.
At this point you are broken up and he doesn’t have to reach out.
Please keep in mind that this relationship didn’t work out because someone better is out there for you.April 4, 2019 at 3:10 pm #745059
It’s definitely been a roller coaster of emotions. I’ll be fine and then burst into tears for no reason. I keep thinking he’s probably moved on already and sleeping with other girls while I’m wallowing in sorrow even though I know we aren’t the ones for each other. I’m waiting for the day I turn the coerced and go the whole day without crying once.April 18, 2019 at 6:40 pm #746651
Just to update everyone: been about 3 weeks now. Had my ups and downs. He did reach out last week like he promised and we kept the conversation short. I do miss him very much and some days are definitely harder than others. I’m trying to not think of all the good times so frequently but it’s hard. Some of my family still doesn’t know so it’s been upsetting how I’ve had to tell everyone that he’s not coming to Easter this weekend. I’m assuming whatever I’m feeling right now is normal and I’m just trying not to rush into feeling better. It’s been VERY hard not texting him but I haven’t initiated anything at all since the breakup and only responded briefly when he asked how I was last week. I know he’s not for me but he also became my friend too and that has been tough.April 18, 2019 at 7:31 pm #746657
OP – I feel you… I just broke up with my BF of 9 months…
We went to New Orlean last weekend and had a good time until the last day where we got into a fight and I said some things that he found very hurtful…
He sent me a text after we got back home to “take a break from each other for a while”… I was shocked at how calm i was getting that break up text, which made me realized that maybe I do not love him, at least not enough…
It is just unfortunate when two people are not good match for each other… letting go is really the best for both….
I dont have much desire to reach out, nor did I say much after getting his text…
Can’t force it when two people are just not the right fit for each other.April 18, 2019 at 8:20 pm #746660
Sounds like anger/ harsh words is a pattern with you. That’s a problem no one will want to deal with. Might want to work on that before you start dating again.April 18, 2019 at 9:52 pm #746665
@Anon, whom are you referring to?April 19, 2019 at 3:53 am #746677
She’s referring to sisi- she’s had a thread on here herselfApril 19, 2019 at 11:11 am #746717
Op – you are doing good… no need to reach out and text him….later on in life when you look back, you will realize you did the right thing for yorselfApril 19, 2019 at 2:16 pm #746738
Hey girl, you are doing AWESOME!
I have been in this exact place and you are doing better than I did. I eventually caved and went back for the sex part — and that is not healthy when you love and are trying to get over someone who isn’t right for you in the long run!
When you go back and entwine yourself in their life at ANY level, you extend the timeframe for getting over them and moving forward.April 20, 2019 at 10:45 am #746818
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I’ve debated on downloading tinder to make myself feel better but I’m terrified because deep down I guarantee he has already made an account and I can’t fathom the thought of him having sex with other women right now. I know I don’t want him back but that pang of jealousy is still there.