Blinded Sided – what’s his deal?

“Was I being high maintenance or was he being immature?”

I don’t think it was either, really. It’s very, very easy for things to feel great for the first month. You don’t know each other yet, you’re trying to impress each other and have fun, it’s easy to enjoy the honeymoon period. Compatibility starts becoming more obvious after you begin to need to resolve conflict together. Your conflict uncovered that your values don’t seem to actually align, even though you wanted them to. For example, he’s got more conservative influences around him that he listens to, you don’t have the same attitude about mental health (you have a therapist, which is great, and are open about talking about things, and he is uncomfortable and even admits he may have issues that he doesn’t want to deal with — which is his prerogative, it’s not right or wrong, though it didn’t bode well for this relationship), and you have different views on how much time to spend together at this point in the relationship (my main love language is quality time, so I get it, this would be a problem for me also). Having bad communication this early, after only one good month together, generally means incompatibility. It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is outright incorrect, it’s just not a good match.

He may have felt it was too early or intrusive for you to comment on his mental health, and you hadn’t built enough foundation of closeness or trust yet for him. His defensiveness may also indicate that he’s not ready or willing to face if there’s a problem. That isn’t your fault or issue to deal with for him, but it’s important information for you to learn about him so you can decide if the relationship even works for you.

He also sounds like he was getting comfortable being more himself over time, so the effort you got from him in the first month wasn’t all sustainable.

If you really like him, you can try to clear everything up with him, but I think the same problems would just pop up again after. You said yourself you don’t think you’d change your reaction to how things went, so don’t ignore that feeling. He’s right that it shouldn’t be so difficult after only a couple months, and you shouldn’t dismiss or ignore your gut responding to him with anxiety so soon either. Think through if you’d really be happy with him without him needing to change something (or even you needing to change something that you don’t really want to change). If the answer is no, you’re chasing potential and can find a better match later on after you get over this break up. Don’t beat yourself up too hard in the meantime, sometimes this stuff just happens in dating even though no one is the bad guy.

Hi there,
I agree with what @Maddie said.

I think you are a pretty direct person and because of the last interface meeting didnt go so well, you are both turned off.

I think its worth just to write a nice email sayimg something like you were really caught off guard when he packed your stuff. You had a really impulsive feeling that he meant it was over. You enjoyed your time together. You just wanted to have more regular time together despite busy lives.

If he reads that as a step back in. Good . If not, well at least the ending isnt so harsh.

I guage relationships more like would i regret not having tried just one more time?

If you are sure it wont go well, then just leave it. At least all the major issues surfaced already.

Hey Maddie – I’m glad you mentioned attachment style. Your comments really ring a bell and made me think!

I did ask him about his attachment style early on (sent him the link to an online test) and he told me he’s secured attached after taking the test twice. He acts and speaks pretty confidently, sometimes a little arrogantly. But after we got intimate, I got to see his insecure side. I even broached it once saying: I don’t want you to feel insecure. He denied it saying “I’m not insecure. I have my worries and anxieties but I’m not insecure.” I guess his perception of himself’s just way off or was he in denial?

He also told me that he was lucky to not have to ensure any trauma from his past relationships. But his college girlfriend got with him while was with someone else, eventually also cheated on him. He didn’t end the relationship but stayed and also cheated on her as revenge. That went on for another 2 years before they finally parted ways.

And his last relationship was an on-and-off one for 2 years. He only revealed to me later on that he never loved the woman but only stayed for convenience (for sex I’d guess). He said he wouldn’t handled it differently if he could.

He definitely had tried hard to win me over in the initial stage. He admitted later that he actually doesn’t enjoy dining out, going to movies or other cultural activities that I enjoy. But he never told me that until later.

He also said he’s like to introduce me to his parents but declined when I asked him to join me at my friends gig and meet my people?

Yeah, I guess enough red flags huh? 🤷‍♀️

Sorry to be a fly in the ointment, but you are doing a lot of diagnosing of him, and little to look at your simultaneously passive and aggressive communication styleI don’t think you are a good match, but I also don’t think you added much to make this better. It does not sound to me like you are a clear communicator and communicate the negatives you observe more than the possitive. You turned down a movie because there was no dinner and did not suggest something else, you made him drive to you, at no point did you look at this like a team, you told him you thought he had Asperger’s (yikes – not very kind, I am liberal and that is way out of bounds unless done very very gently), what you do in therapy is private and not a weapon. Anyhow, you two are not great together and honestly you barely know each other.

Hi TallSpicy! I appreciate you pointed out what i could’ve done better! I’d love to improve my communication. can see why you think I sounded passive as I didn’t go into details about our back and forth.

For the movie date – I did suggest an alternative(a walk outside, and I bring him his fav gluten free dessert) and he agreed. A day before the date, the weather forecast didn’t look like it’s gonna hold up so I texted him saying hey the weather is looking bad for a walk outside. He immediately suggested rain-check it which upset me. And I told him I feel a little disappointed that we couldn’t see each other and it shouldn’t be that difficult if we really wanted to make it happen. He got defensive saying I was “actively” making him feel guilty.
What I too passive or too forward/direct?

The Asperger’s topic – yeah I regret a lot that brought it up in the early days. I felt safe to ask because we were being vulnerable with each other at that moment. He blatantly told me that “you might be putting on an act but deep down you’re not yet emotionally stable” which threw me off a little so I kind of subconsciously retaliated with the autism question. I phrased it as “have you considered you might be on the spectrum?” Not a great topic to broach before I knew how sensitive that topic was for him, as later on he told me “we don’t talk about this in my circle and I don’t believe in psychology”. His first gf/‘s dad was a successful psychiatrist and did plenty psychological experiments to his twin daughters which he believed was one of the key reasons why she’s so messed up and cheated on him.

Making him drive to me – yes at that point I was quite upset so I was being difficult on purpose – to get more attention and validation from him as I felt ignored. To be fair he was very willing to drive to see me in the first month and he said to me a few times “I would drive across the country just to see you” “I could move mountains to see you” …

My general take was my communication style was too direct and forward for his conservative taste/reserved attitude. Would you agree?

like Maddie said, him saying you are too good for him etc is a red flag and this relationship never really had a future

Red flag because at best, someone saying that puts you on a pedestal it is impossible to live up to and sees you as a concept more than as a person / who you actually are, which totally screws up relationship dynamics. At worst, the person is thoroughly insecure, doesn’t trust themselves (or you, not to leave eventually), and will act out of fear and self-sabotage. It’s also someone telling you they don’t know how to be a good partner to you, because if they did, they wouldn’t be worrying about this, they’d just show up for you without second-guessing their own abilities. Earlier on in dating someone might still be gauging how much they’re into you and if they want to pursue the relationship, but it will have nothing to do with perceived power dynamics and good enough or not good enough.

It sounds like things symbolically ended after you said he was on the spectrum. Honestly, I feel that was out of line. As someone who is on the spectrum, if that was said to me by someone whom I just started dating, I would interpret it as, “There’s something wrong with you, and here’s what I think it is.” My immediate thought would be, well, this person thinks something is wrong with me, I should go find someone who is fine with me.” I understand that this occurred as part of a conversation, not in a vacuum, but that can come across as a criticism or a put down. Meanwhile he’s also hearing you’re discussing him with your therapist. It all seems a little bit heavy to me. I would be out too if I were him. Just for the future, you want to tread lightly with that. If you are discussing YOUR emotional health with him, and he brings up something on that topic you should not retaliate with “yeah, well, I think you’ve got x y z wrong with you.” It seems that is what happened. Just FYI, Asperger’s is not a diagnosis anymore, it’s neurodivergent, and the veridict is even out that it’s a mental disability, in some it’s a strength. It just seems to me that it was presented to him as him having “something wrong with him” and being “abormal,” and who wants to stay with someone who sees them that way? Just food for thought.

Hello Kelly and Angiebaby,

Thanks for sharing your insights with me. I never thought that question would come off as offensive as my ex was on the spectrum. We had talked about it in length. I also studied so much about it. To me it is neurodiversity, as neutral as being colour blind. That’s why I didn’t give it too much of a thought when bringing it up. But I ignored the fact that not everyone has the same depth of understanding as I have read about/experienced.

My friends were saying they’d get mildly offended but not to the point where they’d end the relationship. But obviously it bruised his ego, big time and he bottled it up until it exploded.

To me that was just unfortunate. I still don’t know if there is any way I could salvage this?

Less likely to be intentionally ghosting, more likely to be frozen and not knowing what to say or do. Which can lead to it being ghosting in the end all the same.

This still isn’t a good match on either side, have you been trying to accept the break up and leave it be at this point? He’s indicating he wants space, so I’d respect that and leave it alone completely, especially after the letter. Stay out of touch unless he reaches out, and don’t keep overly focusing on him, his issues, and what you could have done differently. That’s you staying in an anxious mindset because you don’t really want to detach from the connection. Again, sometimes dating mutually just doesn’t work out, and part of learning from the experience is how to let go and process through maturely while you mourn.

Yes! I’ve been trying to detach. But it’s not linear. The perfectionist in me always wants to fix problems.

I get that it was a big deal to him. I just, didn’t know how to reverse the impact except apologising?

I’ve been silent since the letter and do not intend to reach out again. I guess the precious comments about me broaching the autism topic brought back the self-blame that had been spiralling in me.

One more suggestion – stop “trying” to detach. Just do it by refraining from contacting him again. If a man kept contacting a woman who made it clear she wasn’t interested, the woman would understandably be upset and possibly afraid. It goes both ways.