Blinded Sided – what’s his deal?

Hi Emily,

I understand I made a mistake there and that to some people it’d be insulting because of the stigma. I get all of that. And I’ll be way more careful in the future.

I do still think people with higher self-esteem and more liberal values would be able to process that question in a more constructive way.

I’m not actively trying to get him back…was only asking questions to better assess the situation and make peace with my turbulent feelings.

I only wish the stigma around autism wasn’t so bad, like we’d embrace neurodivergence as progressively as the LGBTQ movement.

My therapist said it’s my higher power to expedite the fallout. I just didn’t want to leave him feel wronged/unappreciated cause he looked really sad when he said he might be destined to be alone.

I’m learning to be okay with the possibility that I might never find out exactly why.

I totally agree with Angiebaby.

And in terms of the story you’re telling yourself if you hyper-fixate on that one conversation, this isn’t about you made one mistake that tanked something incredible. The trap with perfectionism is it can come from a place of shame and weakness around making “mistakes” which means they should be avoided rather than accepted and regarded as learning opportunities.

It’s also not your responsibility to manage his feelings when he says something like he’s destined to be alone, especially since he’s breaking up with you. It’s you overfunctioning to do anything about that, even though you may feel bad for him. He’s making his own decisions and those are for him to deal with (or not). You didn’t destine him for anything or actually do anything to him.

There were a lot of good lessons from the experience with him to learn from, too, about what you’re looking for in a relationship and how to be a better partner and recognize a better match. You *will* encounter more viewpoints and lifestyles that differ from your own as you date new people, and it will be important to know what they are to gauge compatibility. Don’t analyze and dissect a person when that happens, especially if they didn’t ask you for advice. Just let them be who they are and decide if it’s a good match for you or not without providing them with all the commentary (saying “I need X, so this relationship isn’t currently working for me” is very different than subjectively focusing on and assessing the other person). Plus, you’ve also put your own learning to focus on in here already, just take him out of the framing of it: you have learned you are looking for a romantic partner with “higher self-esteem and more liberal values.”

Working this out over a short experience with someone incompatible is also a lot better than having to learn these lessons from scratch with someone who really is right for you in the future. I also hold the opinion that if someone is truly blindsiding you, the overall situation is not relationship material. So give yourself a breather and a chance to heal and for your emotions and brain to catch up to each other. It will be okay.

As an aside, unfortunately LGBTQA+ is also still wildly, wildly stigmatized in many parts of the US and all around the world. Again, this is a great opportunity to step out of your normal circles and be aware of other perspectives. That’s the point of gaining life experience, so nothing wrong with that.

Hi Maddie – thank you for your wise words! They are tremendously helpful. 💛💛💛

Yes through this I also realised I’ve been living in my own little bubble…even tho I’ve always considered myself worldly and open-minded.

He said I didn’t need to apologise for it because if people around me wouldn’t get offended then it made sense for me to bring it up without hesitation. He also acknowledged that his reaction was the ultimate cause of our relationship breakdown.

It boils down to our fundamental differences and his own self-esteem/emotional maturity in handling them. He mirrored my values in the beginning and that’s certainly not sustainable. But it created a facade that had lead me to think he could be my person.

My reactions to the fallout shows that when I’m in an anxious state because of a perceived “failure”, I tend to overanalyse things from the other person’s perspective because it triggered the feeling of not being “good enough”. I’m glad it’s only a temperate state tho. I also think it’s a normal grieving process over a loss that once was close to your heart and you had high hopes for.

Processing this kinda stuff takes time…your collective wisdom certainly have helped a ton!

I’ve done all that I could have and I’ll take his silence as his answer!

Going on dates this weekend and will bare these in mind!!

If this man you’re talking about lives in Ohio, bald, white beard, drives a white pick-up-truck that’s my husband. Please get checked for STD’s he’s known to carry a couple lifelong ones.

I think you two simply were not a match. Your views. communication style, and willingness to compromise didn’t align. Of course things are all good at first but over time we get to know someone and learn more about them. When you have conflict that’s when you really get to know someone, how they deal with things is very telling. Honestly, I suggest dusting yourself off and moving on.