Biggest Mind F*** Ever Known to Woman. He Sat Me Down and Said This


Home Forums Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice Biggest Mind F*** Ever Known to Woman. He Sat Me Down and Said This

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  • #441093 Reply
    Laur

    Where in the world do I start with this? If any of you, perhaps the ever-wise RCS, have read my few previous posts, I am in an LDR with an incredible man who loves me to death. Or so I thought. Please bear with the length. I am in utter shock.

    I have known him 2 years, met him through family/friends at a wedding, and he has initiated everything from the start. Now, when I attended this wedding, I had a 9-month old baby at home who was premature, colicky, and exclusively breastfeeding. I was in this fat, dreadful, exhausted, sloppy “maternity mode”. It was torture for me to go out and shop for a dress that would fit nicely over my double-D breasts and hefty curves, but I did it. I was not fat, but I was very, very filled out, and at 5’1″, having been a petite, tiny, tight ballet dancer all my life, I felt gross, ashamed, and just plain fat. Yet this guy approached me at that wedding…by running across the parking lot at the end of the night and trying to kiss me on the spot. It was bold, confident, and the sexiest thing I’ve ever felt, having this incredibly good-looking man bombard me and feeling his lips lingering in front of mine. I laughed at him and told him if he wanted to do that, he could call me. He was impressed and when I wrote my number on his hand, he texted me before I was even home.

    Our communication continued on and on. After exchanging a few texts, I learned he lived out-of-state…1,000 miles away…and was heading back home indefinitely. He was hot as anything, but I had just met him, so it was no skin off my back. He went home and I didn’t see him til his next trip home, which was quite a while later. We hit it off again this time, and the chemistry was twice as strong as the last time. This continued on and on. Over time our conversations got deeper and more engaging. We started to realize we had both met our match. He continued to visit my state whenever he was here visiting family and his trips got more and more frequent. By summer 2014, he was telling me that every girl in his hometown of Atlanta had completely paled in comparison to me and that it was painful to be without me. I held off hope, knowing the reality of the distance, but when he said these things, I knew he meant them. By February 2015, he was visiting me again and moving towards me with unprecedented depth and sincerity. By this point he was falling in love with me, and was only a little shy about telling me so. But the more his actions matched his words, and the more he balanced his passion for me with some degree of hesitation and rationality, I began to trust him. In June 2015 he came back again. And just 4 weeks after leaving me that time, he came back again (this past 4th of July week). Last night I dropped him at the airport after 10-day stay. Obviously, since February, sh*t has gotten really real.

    When I went to bed Sunday night, knowing he was leaving the next day, I felt like my life was a dream come true. I had just spent the most perfect week with this man, and he was completely, head-over-heels in love with me. Really. And at 26 years old I know the difference. Everywhere I went with him, our friends and family commented on how in love he seemed and how impressed they were to see him tossing around my toddler, taking such good care of us both and just living in total love. His sister even teared up when she met me and told me how much he needed a girl like me in his life and how much growth she has seen in him since he met me. And this is something he constantly confirmed with me. He made emotional leaps and bounds, changed and grew into a better man, and he attributed it all to me. It was really really genuine. And he took every opportunity at every second to show me love, and show me he was IN love with me. He told me this and proved it too. The sex was beyond passionate. He once finished 3 times in 20 minutes. TMI maybe, but anybody who says “he loves you but he’s not in love with you” is wrong. That passion, that sexual desire, that can’t-live-without you, you-are-my-queen type of love WAS THERE. It was the clearest thing I’ve ever felt, his love and devotion. He spent the whole week taking excellent care of my son and me, introducing me to his family and encouraging my time around them all, giving me everything he had to give. And he continued to talk about something he has been mentioning consistently for the past month: moving up here to be with me.

    He told me this was uncharted territory for him and that I had literally made him believe in love. That he always thought every relationship inevitably had to end before he met me. That he admired, respected, and needed me. Because I made his life more full and made him the man he wants to be. He meant all these things. Sometimes it made him cry like a baby. Sometimes he had doubts, fears, reservations, and weird-energy days. But we always breezed through them. I gave him space, understanding and patience and he continued to kiss the ground I walked on for it.

    It was the end of his trip, post-July 4 festivities, and we had one more day together. My son was going to daycare on his usual schedule and my man and I had planned an entire day to ourselves before he had to fly out that night. Obviously it included lots of “alone time” and a final enjoying of our romance, knowing we wouldn’t see each other again for a few months this time. And what happened was the complete opposite.

    When we woke up that morning, he was acting way weird. His energy was so blatantly closed-off. Before going to bed the night before–and yes, we were completely sober–he had sobbed into my chest and told me he needed me. He broke all those walls he had put up and I felt like we had just moved a mountain. All by his own choice. I want him, but I never had an agenda in this. It makes me happy to see him growing into a bigger man because I can see what it means to him, and I love him. But he was pushing past all these obstacles in order to be with me. That really sums it up. He was moving mountains in order to be able to be with me. It wasn’t easy, but he was doing real work and including me all along. I felt so close to him by that point. I felt like it was us against the world.

    So that morning, I finally asked him what was up. He hesitated, told me was just tired, sad about leaving, etc. I said ok, I understand. I went outside for a bit to give him some space. When I came back, he sat me down and told me what was wrong.

    He started it by saying we shouldn’t have sex today. I searched his face for signs of humor. But all I saw was that he was seriously struggling with what he had to say. He looked really pained. So I listened. He said he wanted me to be at my best, he wanted me to be healthy, he wanted me to start working out, and he wanted me to gain weight.

    Excuse me?

    This man who gets hard every time I walk up to him and has passionate sex with me constantly…is telling me that I’m “not his usual type” and that he always saw himself having kids with somebody who was tall, curvy, dark eyed, etc. THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ME. I am fair, blond, hazel-eyed, petite, tight, slim, tiny. 5’1″ and a perfect 105 lbs. He’s telling me he doesn’t want to have sex with me. That he has “minutely” lost attraction to me, and that he needs me to gain weight. When I realized he was serious about this I was about ready to slap him and throw the whole thing away. But I worked through that immediate insult and tried to be the bigger person. I thanked him for his honesty–after all, the one thing I had asked him for was to not leave me in the dark. I told him it was a selfless act of love for him to be so honest. And I told him was extremely hurt and blindsided. That was literally the last concern I expressed him to voice when I asked him what was wrong.

    This talk dragged on the whole day yesterday. It was draining and SO PAINFUL. All my old insecurities washed up. All those times as a teen I wished I were tan, curvy, and just the polar opposite of what I was. I worked so damn hard to unravel that insecurity. By the time I was a mother I had gained so much strength and maturity that I truly felt beautiful just the way I was. I started to value and see the beauty in the things I was born with: the tiny frame, the fast metabolism, the pale skin. I am beautiful, and I finally mean that. I look feminine, graceful, and sexy. I have extremely wide hips and tiny waist. I have soft skin, big eyes, long hair, and a lot of other things I am proud of. And if you want to know a man’s opinion I have men falling all over me and have gotten asked out in public more times than I can count. I’ve been called stunning and “a ten”. I have NEVER had a problem attracting a man. I’ve had to weed out the ones who wanted to fuk me to protect my heart. So of all the ways I could fall short, PHYSICAL BEAUTY was the last one I expected.

    He told me has lost attraction to every girl he’s ever dated. He said he could be with Scar Jo (who I now know must be his ideal) and probably lose interest after 6 months. He said he has 99 percent of what he wants with me. HE SAID HE WANTS TO MARRY ME AND HAVE KIDS WITH ME. And yet he can’t let go of searching for that one percent that I am missing. He said he has “grass is always greener” syndrome. I have no words for how much that hurt. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for the knife I have stuck in my heart from this. I KNOW it’s shallow, silly, could be worse, whatever you want to say. But the fact that he sexually desires a physical body that I DO NOT AND NEVER WILL HAVE really really fking HURTS. What’s worse, he had just had a discussion 5 days prior (in retrospect it all makes sense) about my breasts. They are destroyed from pregnancy, still beautiful in shape but very deflated and pretty much an A cup. He made a comment that “I could always go get them done.” I was horrified and hurt but I had a mature discussion with him that my body is not perfect and the stretch marks and imperfect breasts make me feel like a mother and make me feel real and that is beautiful to me. He cried then too and apologized and said I have a level of maturity and inner beauty that he wants to work towards for himself.

    What. the actual. Fuk. This man who willingly, without any pressure from me, told his entire family that he is thinking of moving up here to be with me, and who looked me in the eyes and said he wants to marry me, and that he needs me, and that I have made him believe in love, is telling me I don’t have the body he wants.

    That makes me feel like running away forever. It feels humiliating. I have never felt so inadequate, jealous, or hurt in my life.

    He told me he wanted to think it over and talk to his closest family about it (also humiliating for me after being at the beach with them days ago and now they will be judging my body as well and hearing from MY MAN that is not attracted to me. Very emabarrassing). I told him I could not put my body, mind and heart on standby. And that I feel gorgeous. And that if he doesn’t agree then he’s either not ready for me, or not right for me.

    I hope I did the right thing.

    #441101 Reply
    Mo

    First off, Where do you live and how old is he?

    #441102 Reply
    Laur

    He is in Atlanta. I’m in Boston. I am 26, he is 24.

    #441104 Reply
    Mo

    Laur- you’re a beautiful writer BTW.. very compelling and passionate. I really enjoyed reading your post. But I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain.

    I think it’s important that you love yourself the way you are and should not change for anyone. It will only cause feelings of resentment and that will fester into something bigger and harder to deal with in the future.

    Obviously, this guy is not the one for you because he does not love and accept you for who you are- right at this minute.

    I know its soo hard to let him go, especially after all the time, emotions and love you’ve poured into the relationship. But acceptance is, in my humble opinion, the most essential and comforting part of having and loving a partner. If he does not accept you, then you should move onto someone who will. And I promise, there are men out there that will love and cherish you as you are. And will want you just as you are.

    Care for yourself in this tough time, but know that you are doing what’s best for you!

    Besides, if he is a “grass is always greener” type of guy.. its inevitable that he will leave or cheat. Those people are never, ever satisfied and you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your relationship.

    We’re here for you girli if you need support! Be brave!

    #441105 Reply
    Whit

    Laur,

    I’m so sorry, what a shock. What he said here is the key:

    He told me has lost attraction to every girl he’s ever dated. He said he could be with Scar Jo (who I now know must be his ideal) and probably lose interest after 6 months. He said he has 99 percent of what he wants with me.

    This man is emotionally broken. This has nothing to do with you. Anyone who says he has 99% of what he wants in a relationship and won’t be happy without the other 1% is a fool. What he’s telling you is that nobody will ever make him happy.

    Nothing he said is a reflection of you–it’s only a reflection of him.

    You absolutely did the right thing. And if I were you I wouldn’t take him back for anything.

    #441106 Reply
    R

    Sorry to say this, but I think there is something wrong with this guy. This is not normal behaviour / a normal way of thinking. To do a 180 overnight, makes him a flake. And what he’s saying makes no sense and is just plain cruel. Has he been doing everything right to suck you in, only to destroy your self esteem all the more? Could he be a controlling bully?

    In any case, this is not true love. I am so sorry you’ve fallen for him in a big way only to be shocked and let down by him. I don’t think I could give a guy like him a chance now – his behaviour is too flaky and verging on fetish-like?!

    #441110 Reply
    talllady

    This man said he was broken. This is not your issue, no matter how horrible feels. I was in a long distance relationship with the same thing – he was in love and he broke up with me anyhow. It was on him, I now see.

    You want someone who likes the way you look…. He could choose to be with you, but he isn’t.

    The reality is he is 24. He will learn his lessons, but not on your time.

    Deepest hugs – this is on him. Tell him to go away, you will not be someone who wants you to change physically into something you are not.

    Trust all those other men.

    #441112 Reply
    Khadija

    Hello Laur,
    This guy is a total a**hole and does not deserve a woman like you. I cannot believe he would say something like that to you.
    I appears that he will never be happy with his partner because he is always trying to find the smallest flaw.
    If a man brings out the feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and embarrassment he is not the one for you.
    In this case I really think you are better off without him.
    I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you.

    #441113 Reply
    Phoebe

    So when you met him you were heaps curvier? You said you found it hard to find a dress to squeeze into at that time and now you’re 47kg… That’s quite a change, several dress sizes in fact. From all the crap I constantly read and hear about what men want – self professed, mind you – it seems that the way a woman looks is the most important factor to them. And they do tend to have a ‘type’. And you have changed quite a bit!

    You’re happier at 47kg though and that’s the most important thing. Your happiness with how you look. I can’t imagine changing how I look or feel about myself because of a man.

    He was sobbing into your chest because he was trying very hard to convince himself to want you the way you are. He thought having you meet his family etc would seal the deal – that he wouldn’t be able to go back once he did all that – but it didn’t work after all.

    I’m not saying he’s right but men are kind of superficial like that, some more than others obviously. It’s better that you know now.

    Anyways you sound absolutely stunning. I would be happy if I looked how you describe yourself.

    #441118 Reply
    Laur

    I’m reading all posts and they are my life line right now but all I want to do is cry. I am too numb but I have never felt so hurt on a gut level. It’s a relationship betrayal and an full-fledged attack on my confidence…rolled into one.

    #441122 Reply
    kaye

    Wow. Talk about throwing cold water on a fire!! I can’t have sex with you today because I’ve all the sudden out of the freaking blue lost attraction for you? He sounds like a Narcissistic Prick (excuse my French)!! They put you on a pedestal, tell you how beautiful you are, introduce you to the family, you are the woman of their dreams, they shower you with love and attention and then they rip the rug right out from under you with what are THEIR insecurities!! Unfortunately, been there, done that, have the t-shirt to prove it. It is NOT a reflection on you or your value as a person! Please do not let this jerk damage your self esteem or make you feel any less beautiful than you obviously are!! He is never going to be happy with anyone. He has a huge void inside him that he can’t fill. He thought you filled that void for awhile but then those insecurities starting creeping in and he realized you are perfect and now it’s back. Well, no one is perfect and no one can ever live up to those expectations.

    I am so sorry, but I agree that you need to work on healing and moving on and get him out of your life. I think you dodged a bullet with this one. Wish I could give you a great big hug right now.

    #441123 Reply
    kaye

    Should be you are NOT perfect. Sorry.

    #441149 Reply
    Laur

    Thanks ladies. That’s what I thought. But never in my life have I felt so deeply cut or blindsided. I told him not even Scar Jo naked on his doorstep with a lifetime supply of BJ coupons could fill that void he has. That what he did to me, however unintentional, was sick, and that I really hope he gets better. I wish him all the best.

    Ironically, I’ve probably lost 5 lbs already. Have not been able to eat. Feel so numb inside.

    #441155 Reply
    Laur

    He’s texting me.–What if he tells me he is fighting for me? What if he refuses to let me go and accept my plan to set him free? What if he gives me a reasonable timeline for processing this and promises me he is putting in work? That is just young, scared and naive.

    How much love and patience do I give? Where do I draw the line?

    #441156 Reply
    Laur

    **Says that he is just young, scared and naive

    #441158 Reply
    Laur

    And again, for all the KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT I am forever grateful to you all and this site. Thank you so much.

    #441159 Reply
    Mo

    Only you can decide if you want to let him try. I think you need time tho.. time to think about this objectively and consider it when you’re less hurt.

    #441161 Reply
    Khadija

    Honestly, I would ask for space for at least a month to digest and clear my head.
    That was a huge blow to the relationship and I would not take that lightly.
    This may be something you could get past but, do you really want to have that question in the back of your mind all the time?

    #441163 Reply
    L

    Laur

    Right now your on a roller coaster of emotions with this guy. The fact that he is young does not excuse how he perceives the “perfect woman” he wants to be with/find.

    In my opinion….you need to heal from this and understand that everyone has their own idea of beauty. Whatever it is doesn’t mean we won’t meet someone who doesn’t fall under all the criterias we want and still love that person unconditionally. The key is to accept the person for who they are because you truly love them.

    This is an issue within him not you…he needs to realize what he wants and until then he should leave you alone.

    I would let him know that what he said really hurt you and you want time to yourself and would appreciate it he not contact you …he needs to learn to appreciate a person who loves and accepts him for who he is and not what they look like.

    I’m sorry to say but this guy is not a good guy for you and your child! You will find someone who likes all of you….

    #441169 Reply
    Ashley

    I was in a VERY similar relationship last year. I thought I finally had found my soulmate & finally experienced a man who was devoted to me & pursuing me every day. This is eerily similar because my ex did the 180 on the 4th of July. He woke up acting weird, disinterested in me, also not wanting to have sex. None of it made any sense. His personality then would waver in between being cruel & then acting like he wanted me back. Know that this man is not a mentally healthy person. This is devastiang right now but as someone who has been through a nearly identical sitation, I can tell you, in a year from now (or less) the thought of him will make you want to vomit. Cut off all contact with him. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is an emotionally unstable lunatic

    #441172 Reply
    kaye

    Laur,

    Please don’t “what if” yourself to death! What if he says this, what if he says that…you’re going to drive yourself crazy thinking that. I know you are an emotional wreck right now. Your world as you knew if has been turned upside down, and it’s hard to think rationally and logically when your heart is involved. Let him say whatever it is he’s contacting you about, tell him you will take it into consideration but that you need time to yourself to think. Because what he said really hurt you and if that is how he feels that he’s always going to be searching for that 1% and have the grass is always greener syndrome then I can only see him hurting you more in the long run anyway assuming he even sticks around.

    Even the best of circumstances are going to make a 1,000 mile LDR difficult. He has just made it SUPER difficult because he’s told you he’s still looking for his “perfect woman”. You do have a level of maturity and inner beauty that he is probably never going to have if he keeps looking at the superficial. At least he was brutally honest with you. Unfortunately BRUTAL being the operative word there. Please take some time to yourself to get your thoughts straight before you let him sweet talk his way back into your life. And don’t think he doesn’t know all the things to say to get there. He’s already told you he gets bored with the women he’s dated. Sounds like 6 months is the maximum shelf life and you’re already in month 5.

    #441179 Reply
    Hannah

    I really don’t know what to say but felt I have to say something!

    Totally agree with Kaye. You are you, and you sound amazing!

    He sounds like an idiot. Some guys like the trill of the chase. I don’t think it has anything to do with your body so please don’t lose any confidence, as he said it’s the grass is always greener syndrome. He may well look at you in the future as “the one that got away” and ultimately if he carries on getting bored in 6 months of every relationship he’ll end up a very lonely man.

    #441185 Reply
    Jenny

    … Well although it came out of nowhere, people are allowed to change their minds. If he loses interst in every girl he’s even been with then yes, there’s a fulfillment void that’s not being met in his relationships. Age may also have something to do with it but regardless the fairy-tale lovey dovey stuff is surface area when considering DEEP, SINCERE, SOUL LEVEL connections. Those are the types of connections that are developed so deeply that a woman gains 200lbs during pregnancy, homeboy still tells her how beautiful she is to him 30 years later *while encouraging her to be healthy as well of course. 105lbs @ 5’1 isn’t excessively thin to me. I’m 5’4 and the minimum weight I’ll allow myself is 108. You do sound very mature, empathetic and compassionate so don’t let him take that from you. He’s simply not right for you. Every guy other than one will NOT be right for you… That’s just how it goes. His tactics are very cruel though. To tell someone why you’re unfulfilled and the reason being something that’s completely uncontrollable for the other person/ something that no matter what you do, you’ll never be, is just mean. He’s basically saying… you can NEVER be MY ideal… But at least now you know and you won’t waste anymore time and energy. Let him go due to this fact. If you’re whole-heartedly happy with who you are, just gotta have the strength to know that your destiny is someone who feels the exact same way about you as you feel about yourself…

    #441190 Reply
    SnarkySab

    Perhaps I am cynical, but this sounds like a classic pre-abusive manipulation to me. What I mean by that is, he sounds like he went all-out, gung-ho, sweep-you-off-your-feet romantic in order to reel you in, then later showed his true self as someone who would forever nit-pick and chisel away at your self-confidence in order to keep you dependent upon him and under his thumb.

    If you had been weak, had gotten the boob-job, had gained enough weight to be back to the post-baby body you had, what would he nit-pick next? Dying your hair brunette? Colored contact lenses? Buttock implants?

    No, he would never have been happy, and eventually would have left anyway. At this point, my recommendation is to tell him that he wants someone much different from you (and he does; he wants weak, scared, clingy, and insecure), and you want a man who appreciates you for ALL you are…then totally cut contact. Block his phone/email/instagram/FB, etc. If he mails a letter, send it back unopened. If he sends a carrier pigeon, shoot the damn thing and eat squab for dinner!

    #441193 Reply
    Jenny

    Is there any chance you DO have a weight issue or that your insecurities have led you to an unhealthy perception?? NO ACCUSATIONS, just a question. Today, I woke-up dehydrated, unable to keep even water down. I celebrated my bday this weekend and was literally drinking like a fish from Thurs-Mon for bday & 4th festivities- multiple bday dinners, my party, wine tour *gift, a concert *gift… Had to take a half day this morning to recover and I told my old guy *in a response text he initiated and he said “Ouch. You should take it easy. I think 80% of the time I’ve seen you in the past 2 months, you’ve been somewhat under the influence lol” My friends would slaughter him for this comment. They’d say “What an as*hole” “Who is he, your Dad” “If he can’t accept you for who you are blah blah blah” My response was “I know, I’m done for a while…”. There’s no doubt my summer’s and lifestyle are very alcohol fueled and even though I didn’t want to admit it was getting out of control, I’m not going to take offense to an honest observation from someone who only cares for me. Once again your guy additionally brought up things out of your control but he also stated his OPINIONS in reference to your weight. If you don’t agree, you don’t agree, if he may be onto something then absorb to what extent and make the proper adjustments

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