Attention


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Carmen 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #783046 Reply

    Carmen

    I’m a very independent girl. 29, been living solo in my own place for years. Very self sufficient. I can sometimes have my head in the clouds. Walking around thinking and not in the present. I don’t always notice what is around me. At times friends or family will day “hey didn’t you see that cute guy looking at you”

    Nope. I never noticed. It has to be really obvious or they have to speak to me to get my attention. I have this notion in my head that if they are interested, they will make it known to me. I’ve been told I’m very pretty and have a great head on my shoulders. Guys will want me. But I never have it in my head that any guy is looking, interested, or after me. It just doesn’t cross my mind regularly ay all.

    I’m a bit shy and under the radar so I find people just overlook me and I’m okay with it.

    Something I’ve noticed over the past few years is my string of bad/failed relationships all were the wrong guys. The only connecting factor was attention.

    These wrong guys talk to me, actively give me attention, that I ignore the parts of them that just don’t fit, because it feels so right and good to get attention from them. I have this notion in my head that if a guy takes notice of me, that he really sees me for the amazing person I am and he’s a keeper. When they really aren’t. We end up with lifestyle differences, cultural differences, just differences and it crumbles after a while. But most guys don’t notice me or put any effort in, so when these wrong guys do I think they are great.

    Even recently, I had posted about a guy at my work, married, who gave me attention. Now I’m smart. I know attention from a married man is bad, so I didn’t pursue going out with this guy when he asked,but part of me is dying to run into him again at work because I loved the positive attention I got and am craving more. In my twisted head I think, wow this guy noticed me and probably thinks I’m pretty and smart and thats awesome.

    Again, I’m smart and I know its wrong. I know I’m crazy for feeling this way. This is how in the past, I ended up in bad situations with guys who just weren’t right.

    Any advice on how to overcome this feeling? I want to pick the right guys, not just ones that give me attention.

    #783053 Reply

    Tallspicy

    yes, please look up everything you can about insecure attachment. Women who tolerate malarky and get over invested usually are insecure attachment. Do work on why you abandon yourself to someone giving you attention instead of giving yourself attention – this is inner child work.

    Married men are not giving you positive attention, they are giving you half assed attention, don’t you think you deserve more?

    #783055 Reply

    Carmen

    Yes I know I deserve more. That is why I posted here. I caught myself wanting to run into married man for him to ask me out again.

    And then I thought to myself “are you crazy ?” And it hit me that this was the wrong way of thinking. I am worth way more. I want a happily available guy to give me 100% But I never find them and they never pursue me.

    I almost want to beat myself up for almost low key chasing married guy in my head. Its so stupid.

    I second guess myself. Maybe I was too harsh with him. Maybe he just wanted to be friends. Though when I questioned his wife he said it wasn’t a big deal and we should go out and not think too much about it. That’s not a guy that just wants to be friends. He never said friends only for a drink which would have eased off the gas either.

    I need to trust my gut. But I second guess falling all googly eyed over the attention.

    #783056 Reply

    Newbie

    From the posts you made i feel you dont really know yourself very well and are inclined to mask things or twist them. I name a few examples. In one post you say you are so sweet and smart that it should be easy to find a nice man, when in another your say you have self esteem issues. Inc this post you recognize you like attention from any man which is smart but instead of looking for better you still sort of want this man. You feel like your friends are insulting you and at the same point you feel you are better than them since they or at least the last friend fell for a wrong guy. Im not saying this to highlight you contradict yourself but so show you are not our authentic self since you have no deep knowledge of yourself or trying to hide things. I think this stands in your way of finding a good match. You have to be true to yourself first or you will be emotional unavailable yourself and not getting anywhere. I told you before you are making excuses for anything that you can change but wont. And that keeps you stuck. At this point you are your own worst enemy. You are only 29 so time to fix this. I would do two things: invest some money in a counselor/therapist to get a better handle on yourself and to think about what would make you happy and go out of your comfort zone to do it. Like taking a creative class, go see a place or museum you want to see. You are the one holding yourself back so its up to you to change it.

    #783057 Reply

    Newbie

    Sorry for the typo’s. I hope it still makes sense to you

    #783058 Reply

    Carmen

    I agree with you 100%. I know I am not my full authentic self. I censore myself. I know I got this from my mother growing up who insilled this thinking into me and still does.

    I have tremendous fear of people not liking, accepting, or being happy with me for being my true self.

    And I think past interactions whereI have opened up, have been negatively reacted to, so I am this shell of myself.

    #783059 Reply

    Newbie

    Well if this is the case, you really have to find a way to break away from it. When i was around 20 years old i decided i like some people and the other i dont care about. So i invest in the people i like and dont give a dam about the rest of the population since i dont care about them either. So being Mrs easy to please living under the radar not being noticed will do nothing for you. And right now, even yourself finds you annoying. Invest in some help for yourself. It will be totally worth it

    #783078 Reply

    Better off single

    When you can accept you’re not everyone’s cup of tea and it no longer bothers you- you will find the freedom to be ok to be yourself.

    Not everyone is gonna like you. Someone out there probably thinks you are weird and doesn’t like it and someone else will think you’re weird and love it. It’s ok to be yourself. You don’t have to explain yourself or change yourself to get someone to like you no matter how handsome, beautiful, or great they are. if they don’t see you and like you, they don’t have to look at you and you don’t have to depend on them to be ok with who you are.

    It’s easier said than done but embrace who you are, it keeps the right people in your life.

    #783122 Reply

    Carmen

    I am working hard on changing my mindset. When I am my true self there are people who do really like me. I need to remember that. I sometimes focus on all the bad and not the good. A mindset I’m heavily working on changing.

    The married guy is really getting to me. I keep trying to run into him like an idiot. He smiles and says hi. Today I was talking to another colleague casually in an open area. He walked by we said “hi how are you” he stopped for a second wanting to talk it seemed, but I went right back to focusing on my colleague/friend.

    I thought maybe he’d text me, but he hasn’t. He said he looked forward to talking to me when he got back to work, but so far its been smiles and awkward encounters. I’m going crazy over this. He said he hoped I would change my mind amd if we could talk in person I would understand why his marriage isn’t an issue. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he isn’t even legally married, they just had a baby together. Who knows?

    #783123 Reply

    Raven

    How would you feel if you’d just had this guys baby & we was trying to get with a girl at his work…

    You’re making excuses…

    #783124 Reply

    Raven

    *he

    #783125 Reply

    Khadija

    It sounds to me that you need to work on your self esteem/self worth.

    If you are actively trying to seek attention from a married man then there is an issue.
    It seems like you aren’t self aware.

    Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist could do you some good.

    #783128 Reply

    Jordo

    PLENTY of other available guys are out there. Stop focusing on the ones who are taken.

    #783127 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Carmen. Actively pursuing, if even in your head men with partners make you a very unhealthy bad person. Read that again when karma smacks you in the face. Imagine what you are telling the universe by getting involved in this…. about you and who you are and what you want and deserve.

    Gross

    #783170 Reply

    Carmen

    I know. That’s why I’m posting. I know its bad. I know I shouldn’t want anything with him. I know it deep down. I am smart. I know what’s right. I know my feelings are wrong. I really truly want someone nice, stable, available. But I have had zero luck at all finding anyone like that so I feel like part of me thinks well if this is the only attention I’m going to get, from a married man, then maybe that is what I deserve. Because no nice, single guys are pursuing me.

    I think I have this notion in my head that I can control whatever might transpire, if anything. And again, since he came back to work all we’ve merely said is hi, how are you? That has been it and it was awkward. My friends thought he may try to pursue me again, explain his “marriage” but he has not. He seems to be living his life and I’m the bad dumb girl roaming around his office talking to my “friends” but really hoping to run into him. Like a desperate idiot. I know that is true. Does it stop me from doing it? Nope.

    #783174 Reply

    Danita

    I am afraid that he is not pursuing you either, which, considering what you wrote about falling for guys that give you attention, should solve this married-man-dilemma.

    #783176 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Oh my lord. Please get a therapist and look up anxious attachment.

    #783185 Reply

    Better off single

    Focus on the facts and focus on reality. You are not doing anything wrong because all they are is illusions you created in your mind.

    The reality: all we’ve merely said is hi, how are you?

    The illusion: My friends thought he may try to pursue me again.

    It’s all in your head. You know right from wrong. You did the right thing telling him no when he asked you out and I am sure his wife would appreciate that. He will eventually find someone stupid enough to fall for it.

    Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to act on it. There’s nothing wrong with fantasising about it as long as you don’t act on it. Right from wrong. You’re brave for posting honestly about how you feel.

    It doesn’t make you a bad unhealthy person. We all fantasize and we all think bad things we shouldn’t be doing. The ones who act on it are bad and unhealthy and need therapy.

    #783186 Reply

    Better off single

    You have had zero luck so far. The world isn’t gonna stop today. It keeps going forward in time so stop looking backward at all the mistakes. Learn from it and keep going.

    #783407 Reply

    Carmen

    I’ve been doing some self reflection and deep thinking. About myself, about my life, about everything.

    I’m over married men, bad guys, etc…

    I’ve made bad romantic decisions in the past.

    Its hard to find a good guy. It really is. I’ve noticed that I keep trying to fit myself into a square hole, and I’m a round peg.

    No men I’ve met have their lives together. I do.

    I don’t mean that in a mean way like they are losers. I’ve dated successful men.

    I mean it in the sense that they are still figuring out their stuff.

    I think back years and years. Every guy I met had one or more of these issues:

    Didn’t know where they wanted to live or settle

    Didn’t know where their career was going

    Lacked a fulfilling career and was lost

    Had a poor living sitiation, parents, bad apartment

    Just overall didn’t have their life figured out.

    I have mostly.

    I grew a great career abnormally early. Moved into a great pad of my own abnormally early. Had a sustainable income abnormally early. Knew sort of where I wanted to be, again abnormally early. By the time I was 22, 23 years old.

    Now at 29, I’m still meeting guys and they still don’t have this stuff together.

    I’ve checked married guy out of my head. He’s unavailable, period.

    I think I chase these successful still fuguring stuff out guys, for what they could be. Not what they are. Again, not tooting my own horn. I still am figuring stuff out in my life. But no guy has really been on my level. So I lower my level.

    I then think that I better squeeze myself into their life since they don’t rise to fit into mine. And it never ever works out. Again, square hole, round peg. And then they leave. They leave because I cater and settle for their life and not my own. I look back at so many relationships I TRIED, focus on me, I tried to make work. And at the beginning I should have walked away when flags were raised that they didn’t have their stuff together.

    I see all of them more stable now in their lives and with woman they love on social media. I guess timing is key. I then feel bad thinking why wasn’t I enough for them?

    Maybe I attract them when their lives are jumbled.

    I always go back to the life I wanted after they leave me. My life. I’m living my life right now and have been single for over 6 months. I love my life. I love what I create for me.

    I know exactly what I want.

    How do I find men who have their lives together and want to meet someone like me to enjoy life with?

    I love my life. I miss is when I date them. Its a sad reality as I sit here pondering my past mistakes.

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