Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People? post image

Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People?

I met this guy on a night out with friends and we’ve been texting pretty much all day every day for a month. He often texts me first and we seem to really get along well and like him a lot. The thing I need help with is I have no idea if he’s maybe talking to and/or seeing other girls. I personally am not interested in other boys, and while at the moment I’m still happy with seeing how things go, I just want to know how he feels it’s going with us.

I suppose I’m worried that asking him this will make me seem rather pushy when really all I want is to not feel so unsure about the entire thing. Any advice?

Here’s the issue – there is no way you can know. You can’t read his mind and you can’t spy on him… your only choice is to figure out how to keep yourself stable and stop worrying.

I’ve seen men and women make the mistake of fixating on one person and jumping way ahead into thinking about where things could lead and what their relationship could become.

Actually, it goes deeper than that.  We have a notion in our culture that a relationship with someone somehow entitles you to possess that person, almost like they are your property or possession… and if they don’t do what you want, you are entitled to punish them, shame them, berate them, invade their privacy, etc.

It’s ridiculous and insane, but common and therefore accepted by the masses as “the way it is.”

The fact of the matter is:  you can’t control anyone but yourself.  You can’t own anyone but yourself.  And at the end of the day, everyone (including you) is going to do whatever they want to do.

So rather than worry and wonder about what he might be doing, let go of it and realize that you really don’t have any control over him or anyone else.  Nobody controls anyway, nobody owns anyone.

In your situation, you’re just talking to a guy. That’s it. It might go somewhere, it might not.

I can guarantee that if you get wrapped up in worrying about what he’s doing, you’ll do things that will harm your chances. Worry leads to desperation, desperation leads to acting needy, acting needy leads to the guy wanting nothing to do with you.

For now, play it cool. Don’t fixate on him – consider yourself on the dating market until he specifically and clearly locks you down into a relationship.

Moreover, you’ll find that the women that have the most success in their dating life don’t pay attention to things like worrying about what the guy is doing or “plotting and scheming” how to control the guy’s behavior.

You might say to me, “Well, Eric, that’s because she’s confident,” or, “Well, Eric, she’s never had a problem with guys – guys have always flocked to her.”

… to which I would reply, “Yes… you’re right… and you just made my point.”

You’ll notice that the women who have effortless success in their dating life absorb themselves in enjoying their life and the world around them, not fixating on internal worries or trying to control the behavior of others.  They focus on having a great relationship with the people around them… not trying to acquire a relationship or boyfriend as if they were trying to acquire a new handbag or pair of heels.

If you want a great relationship, then focus on having a great relationship.  I have to imagine (and hope) you don’t spy on your best friends or family… or dig into their personal business.  You probably don’t even think about the relationship you have with them because you’re absorbed in just having a great relationship with them.

Why should your love life be any different?  Why should the future love-of-your-life be subjected to a version of you that’s paranoid, focused on “locking him down” and spying on his personal business when everyone else who you love and care about gets the best of you?

I know it sounds ridiculous when I put it like that because, well, it is!

Bottom line:  Relax, take a deep breath and focus on putting your best energy into the relationship.  Let go of this feeling that you can know everything about him or control his behavior.  Just relax and enjoy the relationship as it is without needing to “get somewhere”.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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I don’t agree with this advice! I am getting the feeling the question is more that you feel you aren’t the only one and that he isn’t making you feel special enough.

Why would a woman want to date someone with a possibly GF?

Definitely ask and don’t get into something if it will bring you pain.

Reply April 8, 2019, 12:50 pm


Basically… If youvebeen dating AND sleeping with this person. You have all the right to not feel ashamed to ask if theyre seeing anyone else. (from a health perspective)

On the other hand, if youre just casually dating then dont focus on that, just let things happen naturally

Reply April 22, 2017, 3:55 am

Amanda Ford

Yo! This was legit solid advice. I needed that. Thanks.

Reply January 16, 2017, 1:38 pm

Eric Charles

Glad to hear it!

Reply January 17, 2017, 2:51 pm

Nicole Ferguson

I NEVER leave comments on websites.. Especially to random people but your advice is literally GOLDEN!! I have been worrying myself almost sick since this guy I have been dating decided to go on a spring break cruise with him friends. He’s a great guy but I’m still worried and sadly unconsciously have those traits you described. After coming across your advice I can actually take a deep breath and reanalyze myself and stop giving this negative energy to things I can’t control. THANK YOU :)

Reply March 8, 2017, 11:42 pm


Aracely, Do you actually find 30 year old men attractive? Or do you find yourself attracted to younger. What is your maximum age bracket of dating? Just curious…

Reply November 6, 2016, 8:57 am


Dated a guy in my apt on and off- have known him over a year. Then he only wanted friendsgip- did no contact for 6 wks, but we still text- we hungout twice. We always hangout alone. Heb used to invite me to his place for a beer or to talk but he stopped once he said we are friends. I asked him to drop food off he declined he wont allow me in his place. I even tried to dropby once he was home and did no come to the door. I asked him are with seeing someone new in text, there was no answer- what does that mean??

Reply September 14, 2016, 1:07 pm


Hi Mary, On and off is translation for Harem. This is the new thing guys do. They collect people to pump up their egos. On off is the bookmark women who they don’t feel are worth of gf status but they are perfectly okay putting their P inside. Don’t be that girl. Choose consistency. You have a right to respect. You have a right to weekly proper dates. If some man goes 2 weeks without seeing you that means he is not serious or not in alignment with the type of man that is going to make a good attentive and caring bf. You need someone who cares about your feelings why because they matter! You matter and if he tries to brush that off as “you are crazy, we are not in a relationship” then Eff him! Never deny, change, or try to silent your emotions to make life easier on some dude who is causing them. Our hearts are special and there are special people out there deserving of them. – Good Luck! :)

Reply November 6, 2016, 8:48 am


I wasted 14 years with 2 men who were cheaters, one would not divorce and never intended to marry me I found out the truth after 4 wasted yrs . Im now single 4 yrs- its too late for kids-that’s why its very important to find out the truth…..

Reply September 7, 2016, 7:41 pm


This is an awesome point

Reply July 5, 2016, 4:10 am


I agree with you Eric that no one should spy on anyone. While “I have to imagine (and hope) you don’t spy on your best friends or family… or dig into their personal business” cannot be compared to a sex partner, people do not get (hopefully not) STIs from having sex with best friends and family. Your love life has a different risk if you and/or your partner is sleeping around. Hey, if he is not using a condom with you, doubt he is with the others. So, it’s worth it to ask (not spy) or set ground rules.

Reply April 4, 2016, 11:04 am


I appreciate the post and I agree with it. in my case though we we’re talking for around 7 months now..I didn’t ask him or say anything and focused on enjoying the time we have together. there were times when we haven’t seen each other for 6 weeks and then 3 weeks due to holidays..text used to be daily and him initiating first but now I guess he’s found someone else.. I’ve seen thru social media about this girl but he never mentioned to me about her or dating anyone else at all. I kinda fell for him on the long run and hard for me to swallow he pays lesser attention..convos are small talks and not spontaneous. I wasn’t sure if we were dating or were just hanging out as friends. in the first few dates he tried having sex but I wasn’t ready. I was at his place many times after but nothing happened. I never made it to defining the relationship. now Kinda feeling jealous bout him and this girl spending time together even if she lives interstate and I feel like I have been friendzoned or rather kept an options. he seems quite having fun when we’re together and the last one was for the entire day and night!! I don’t know what to do next….

Reply March 6, 2016, 12:03 am


Many women have been trained to “act cool” it’s just another form of brainwashing her to put her self, her feelings, her needs for security and self respect aside and let a man do whatever his inner playboy wants. Add her to the harem. If a man hasn’t talked to you about a relationship, is courting you weekly giving you the important Saturday night. Why are you sleeping with him? Why are you entertaining to be his option to pump up his ego? You need to and deserve to be a priority 2X weekly dates a week is normal when a man has good intentions. Especially if you the two of you really vibe. I’m not talking about 8 hour dates. One can be a simple, he want to meet up for lunch, or get some fro, pizza, etc.. on a weekday. However, the weekends are very clear. If he isn’t making plans with you ahead of time you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. Also, what you are doing is adding to the problem. If you weren’t always available for that random hookup maybe this jerko would actually have to be in a relationship to get any. Stop settling. That little voice inside that feels insecure because he is “acting strange” is telling you it’s time to call this mofo out. Go ahead and ask a yes / no question. See if he begins it with “Well…” Ask this guy do you want to be in an exclusive relationship if he doesn’t you can’t loose what you don’t have. No person on this planet is going to say no to someone they actually like and if his pace is different than yours well you just identified early on you are incompatible. What a relief!

Reply November 6, 2016, 8:43 am


I don’t think men realise how abusive and harmful this behaviour is. To them it’s just some action. They see it as an accomplishment. They think it’s fun when it’s actually sexism and misogyny. And I’m not a feminazi, and I never wanted to be a manhater. But it’s really time to grow up.

Reply March 24, 2017, 2:35 pm

Real Life Woman

Eric Charles,
Please allow me to contradict you. The fact that a woman is trying to figure out whether her guy has other women (right from the beginning of the relationship) is not a sign she is insecure or needy, or that she is trying to “fixate” on him as you say. It’s mainly a health issue and also thinking long term and commitment. It is really awful to be the woman he sleeps with on Monday and Friday, while he sleeps with two or three other ones during the rest of the week. You say that a woman shouldn’t worry until it all turns into a relationship. For things to turn into a relationship and for the man to “lock” a woman into a relationship, the woman has to sleep with the guy for a while, usually months… Most guys I dated told me it takes them months to figure out their feelings, fall in love and call it official… so go figure. Is it ok to stay calm and not even check or worry while he might be sleeping with other women and share some STD-s with you? Come on. My best friend got Gonorrhea after 4months into a relationship with her new boyfriend. I personally got Chlamydia after a year sleeping with my so called boyfriend. When you say “women who have effortless success in their dating life absorb themselves in enjoying their life” you are actually right. These women you refer to are men’s favorites. They never ask a question, they are “absorbed” into their love so bad that they forget they live in a real world, and men cheat on them with other women kept on the side. That’s exactly the way I used to be for years, having “effortless success” in my dating life, not checking my guy and trusting him 100%… and so I ended up dating someone who was cheating me and also gave me an STD. Almost all of my ex-s cheated on me, we were both good looking and easy for him to find other women. Women who never care to check on their guys face the reality when it’s too late and long time passed living in an unfaithful relationship. Or may be they just agree with an open relationship and everybody’s happy… this might also be the case but that’s not what we talk about here…

Reply October 10, 2015, 10:40 pm

Eric Charles

I get your point and I do feel this could use some clarification…

This question and my answer were edited down for brevity and some important details got cut out along the way…

First off, this woman was chatting with the guy — they hadn’t gone on a date, they hadn’t done anything beyond enjoying chatting with each other.

So the central thrust of my response to her was, “Look, don’t push the cart before the horse — enjoy spending time with him and see where it goes.”

That said, if this woman was in a relationship with the guy and maybe even sleeping with him, my advice would be different… and pretty much in line with what you’re talking about.

… and it would be simple. If I was in her shoes, I would simply say, “Look, I really like what we have with each other right now, whatever it is… so I want to ask you something purely from a health perspective. I’m not going to judge you, I’m not going to have a problem with whatever your answer is…. people are people, I can handle whatever you have to say… Are you sexually active with anyone else or seeing anyone else?”

This would be a conversation, but from a health-perspective, it’s really good to get a clear honest answer… and the best way to get a clear honest answer is to be as allowing, accepting and non-judgmental as you can be so that they tell you what the truth is.

If you want the truth, be excellent at handling the truth. And when it comes to knowing if I could be at risk for STDs, it’s very important to know the truth.

Now at the same time, some people don’t want to deal with the potential consequences of telling the truth, so they’ll lie and tell you that they’re not seeing anyone when in fact, they are. Women and men lie… not all men or women, but some… so even when you ask point-blank, you might not get the truth…

There’s nothing wrong with clear, direct communication. There’s nothing needy about that.

In terms of contradicting the article, I wouldn’t say you’re contradicting it… it’s just apples and oranges here. The article is speaking to a woman who’s whipping herself into a frenzy of worry about whether a guy she likes will like her back (again, this was obscured through editing out too much of the details…), whereas what you’re talking about absolutely warrants clear direct communication.

Thanks for the comment.

Reply October 11, 2015, 12:41 am


I don’t understand why should a woman wait for the guy to make a decision? Why can’t she just make it clear she likes him, and if he doesn’t like her back, she at least knows and move on. Why are we women made to feel we must wait for the guy to make it all happen? It is frustrating and humiliating to be honest.

Reply June 27, 2015, 2:49 pm

Eric Charles

She can… why couldn’t she?

Reply July 11, 2015, 4:21 pm


I completely agree with this article, I used to worry about stuff like that and it just makes you unhappy, I got involved into a way too intense relationship that was controlling and suffocating, I finally got out of it and now I’ve been talking to someone for a little while and we haven’t really come to terms with what we are, but we’re happy and I realized that, if I sit back and go with the flow he actually starts to take more initiative in defining things between us and I’ve just been playing it cool because I know how frustrating it can be to have somebody way to emotionally involved, so truly I think it’s the best advice to just enjoy your time with this person and let things fall where they are supposed too, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be

Reply March 24, 2015, 9:29 pm


If hope your “Playing it cool” doesn’t involve sex.

Reply November 6, 2016, 8:58 am


What an amazing article! I was feeling some type of way about a guy I just met recently, I felt he was uncertain of me at times and had me questioning things from time to time. Reading this article has been very helpful and helped me think more positively. The author pointed out some key things such as focusing on happiness within ourselves. I agreed and realize that this is something I will work more in my end. Think it will save my relationship also. Well done:)

Reply February 6, 2015, 8:10 pm


What a great post!!!! Best advice I have read all night. So good that my answer has been found.

Reply December 16, 2014, 10:30 pm


Hi I have a relationship with elderly man that he has been divorced for 6 years and he has dated very much since his divorced and he keep in contact with his old high school sweetheart that he had and affair with. Now he is very good to me, calls me everyday morning night and helps me out we go on dates every weekend. But, he loves to make me jealous with this woman and other woman he has dated. He always receiving texts and he smiles and makes little hints thats from those women. I don’t want to let him know that it bothers me because I think he enjoys it. But it does what do I do?

Reply November 12, 2014, 8:24 pm


I agree more with Anais, Texting is so NOT part of the courtship process. It’s part of the LAZY process. Nothing reveals more about a guy than the way he chooses to get to know you. And if it’s via text–aka, one sided, convenient for him, blah blah–then don’t waste your time. A good way to get out of the text hole is to say something like, “I’m not a serial texter, just FYI”. It’s cute, not rude, and still does the job. And if he doesn’t call you or ask you out, then he’s not interested. Some guys just want distractions. I hate to say it, but it’s true. In my experience, the less convenient you are, the more he’ll want to see you. Obviously I don’t mean go out of your way to be inconvenient, just try not to be ‘around’. Guys still have to make the first move. After all, it’s not like women get down on one knee now do they.

Reply December 31, 2012, 4:01 pm


Nedda, Are you Persian? Do you live in BH by any chance or familiar with the crowd?

Reply November 6, 2016, 9:08 am


I think we women should keep our options open while dating and a commitment hasn’t been made yet. It totally helps you not focus on that one guy and worry about what he’s doing. Keep the focus on yourself. And if he doesn’t work out, you’ll already have another prospect. Also re: the original letter, a month in, a guy shouldn’t be only texting you, unless you’re looking for a casual relationship/friendship. But if you want it to lead to boyfriend-girlfriend? Let him call you every now and then.

I think we women are making it too easy on men accepting texting as the sole form of communication and doing it for hours. It’s messing up the whole courtship process and I’ve experienced several men act like I was from another planet when I mention talking on the phone. Even with online dating, they act surprised at times… It frightens me that women are cool with meeting strangers from online without a phone conversation now. Men shouldn’t be trained to see a 5 to 20 minute phone call as such a chore.

Reply December 28, 2012, 2:46 pm


I agree with keeping the options open but our legs closed. I recommend the book “Ho Tactics” because hoes are winning and they aren’t even having sex. They sell a fantasy. It’s a pretty hilarious read for another perspective.

Reply November 6, 2016, 9:00 am


Well, I found out that the guy I was dating was seeing someone else before me. It would be ok if he hadn’t meet me before meeting her.
He began to chase me after this woman left him, and so when I figured that out, I told him that I felt horrible and also that I didn’t want to be his second choice. So I broke up.

Reply November 29, 2012, 2:05 pm


Best thing to do is install tracker on their car. They are small, hold charge for a week, work with wifi, they use a magnet & work great! You can then see a map of everywhere they go directly from your computer. No more worrying if he is lying. No more tricks. Feel completely safe and confident with who you are dating. Imagine this. Guy doesn’t invite you out on a Friday or Saturday night. Yet you see he is in the parking lot of a local sushi restaurant. Why not decide to stop by and see for yourself. If you see him with another woman well there’s your answer. He didn’t choose you to sit with him. It’s a dirty dog world. Stop playing by the rules. Take control of your life. Some call it psycho I call it smart. Be smart.

Reply November 6, 2016, 9:05 am

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