Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › Anxious about "playing house"
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by
Julia.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Julia
Hello Eric and Sabrina and community! First post here, feels exciting!
So, I’m in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful man who I respect deeply, and I feel cherished and happy despite the distance (I work abroad, he lives in my home city, where I’m planning to go back to next year when my contract here finishes, so there IS a clear end to the distance in sight).
At the end of this month, I’ll be going to our home city for 2 or 3 weeks, and he invited me to stay at his place. This would be the third major period we spend together in real life (we met on a dating site in April, started out with five amazing and intense real-life dates in late May-early June, kept in touch, then spent a mini-holiday together in a city halfway, in early September, where we also compared life goals and timelines, decided it could work, and have been exclusive, and happy, ever since—I have to confess, before reaching this point, I had to do a TON of mistakes with other men… but now I’ve gotten educated about men and healthy relationships…).
Now, the prospect of staying at his place during my stay troubles me: on the one hand, it feels amazing and exciting and it would definitely be more convenient; on the other hand, I feel anxious about being a guest on his “territory” for so long, and going from casual dating/vacationing to facing the reality of meeting the family and negotiating chores and personal space. I like him a lot and I can really see a future, and still, I don’t want to enter into a “wife” dynamics so soon.
What do you think, all? Should I stay at his place this time? Am I overthinking this? If I decide not to stay with him, what would be a good way to communicate this, without disrespecting him or upsetting him? Thank you!
Eric CharlesKeymasterAs with all things, you really need not fear anything but fear itself.
For starters, I’ve always found it silly when someone is afraid to explain their true feelings to someone because it might “screw up the relationship”…
Think about that for a second – so what? Do they think they they could somehow have a quality relationship with someone and not be able to share their true feelings?
The only reason they’re looking at things like this is that they don’t think what they want is possible and they’re afraid of losing what they have now…
The reality is that the only relationship worth participating in is the one where you can share your real, true feelings with your partner.
(That is said with the assumption that you are also someone who takes 100% emotional responsibility… so long as you acknowledge that you are the only person who could ever ultimately control your emotions, actions and reactions, then it’s never a problem to share where you are since your partner knows you also take full responsibility for it. This isn’t an approach to relationships… this is just plain reality… if you are not ultimately responsible for your emotions, actions and reactions… who else possibly could be?)
So for starters, it’s always OK to share where you are emotionally, so long as you own it.
But maybe it’s not a fear of screwing up the relationship that prevents you from sharing where you are, but rather, you don’t feel like you have the words to express what you’re feeling in a way your partner could understand…
Right now, you’re not sure if you want to go all-in on wifey-commitment level just yet.
And I don’t blame you — you’re long distance and there’s no problem right now.
When it comes to commitment, I always say, “You’re single, 100% single and on the market until you decide not to be… and that only happens when you agree to be in the exactly the kind of relationship you want, with the person you want… clearly and explicitly.”
A little longwinded but it’s late and it takes a lot more brain-power to write something concise.
My point in bringing my stance of commitment is that if the “offer” isn’t exactly what you take, don’t agree to it.
If you agree to it, then you’re stuck with it… and you’re going to be regretting that you made the agreement every time something happens that isn’t what you wanted.
Furthermore, let’s do some motivation analysis.
When someone is pushing for commitment and the other person isn’t 100% on-board, the “pushers” motivation is always fear of loss. They’re afraid that they could lose you and that if they don’t lock you down, you’ll find someone better and leave them. So they get pushy because they’re afraid.
When fear from either person starts dictating the relationship as the driver, it’s a bad thing.
Giving into another person’s fear-based behavior is bad because you’re never able to satisfy the fear… it just keeps going. Only they can end their fear, not you (they, too, need to be emotionally responsible for their actions, reactions and emotions).
The path to move towards in any relationship is that you make your mood your primary focus in your life and hopefully they do too. And you come together as two happy people and because you’re both happy, you kind of multiply each other’s happiness.
Very few people get to experience this, unfortunately, because most people are busy trying to force a bad relationship to work, chasing the wrong person, blaming their partner for their emotions, etc. So what I’m talking about might sound like describing a unicorn to most people…
Even still, I can tell you that when you make your mood your #1 priority and you have a partner in the same head space (they take emotional responsibility and they make their mood their #1 priority), you end up having a great relationship. One where you inspire each other. One that feels good.
And so, the quality of the relationship isn’t one where either person needs to agree to making a commitment to each other… instead it’s more like two people who really love and enjoy each other so much that they can’t help but connect to each other more deeply because it’s the most natural thing to do. Commitment is a bi-product of this kind of dynamic.
So my simple answer is don’t worry about it. Don’t agree to something until you’re on board… and you can be clear about how you feel about the other person and what you like about them.
A girl I know had a guy she started dating in April or May this year… she said she liked him but he wanted exclusive commitment and she wasn’t ready for it. I pretty much had this same conversation with her (she’s been an avid reader for a while).
I spoke to her a few days ago and she said things are going really well with the guy. So even though she didn’t just immediately jump to a “yes” when the guy started pushing, things still worked out to a happy place for her. He didn’t leave or go crazy.
So if your gut says you don’t want to commit just yet, there’s nothing wrong with that… and there’s nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with him and hopefully he’ll understand where you’re coming from.
Good luck and hope it helps,
eric charles
Julia
Eric, thank you soooo much (again) for your prompt and elaborate reply! I really needed the reminder about taking personal responsibility about my own emotions, and about it being stupid to be afraid that sharing my feelings would screw up a relationship. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really appreciate your wisdom, and also your frankness!
After some self-reflection, I now think my anxiety was born out of a little… addiction to drama. For years and years, I was plagued by the same questions that I see on this forum over and over again in the “does he like me/what did he mean by this text” sections… I was insecure and clueless and very emotionally immature. Now that I’ve learned better, I was able to avoid this and attract and keep a wonderful, sane, non-toxic man, and not put him off by my insecurity. I did gain a lot of attractive confidence and maturity. But not enough, I see now. I think I was missing the drama (because I know that my guy likes me and I’ve conquered most of my neediness), so I was starting to create new drama about something else (the new situation). Very, very silly, I know. *blush*. I also think it stems from a very stupid negative belief that “it’s too good to be true, something bad will happen soon”. I need to learn to accept that good things CAN and DO happen to me, and when they do, I deserve it.
Here’s an update: On our last Skype date, I talked to him about this, and shared my feelings. I framed it as a nervousness I’m experiencing and “it’s not something I’m asking you to fix, I’m just sharing this so you’re aware of what’s happening in my mind”. He appreciated that, and reassured me he always wants us to be honest to each other, even about the negative things. And he shared that his wish for me to stay at his place comes from a need to prove to himself that he can do it, that he can live and act like an independent man (he’s 29 and even though he lives by himself, he eats at his parents’ place and his mom comes over and does his housekeeping). He also said that because he’s been alone for years and years, he developed a lifestyle that he wants to change (for example, staying at the office until 9 or 10 pm, and coming home just to watch a sci-fi episode or some porn, and go to sleep). He wants more than that, he wants a relationship and a partner and eventually marriage and two children, and he’s aware that he needs to work on himself first, including fixing his life/work balance. And these two-three weeks with me would be a good testing ground for all that. So, it’s less about me and wanting to “lock me down”, it’s more about his own growth as a human being. I can respect that, and I felt very moved when he shared it. Doesn’t he sound amazing, btw? :) In the end, we agreed that I’ll base my “headquaters” at a friend’s for the beginning, and sleep over at his place a few times, and, if it feels good, then I’ll move my things and just stay at his place. I hope it works out, and I feel much calmer and more confident now.
Thanks again, Eric, and I hope my story helps other members of the community.
-
AuthorPosts
