Am I wasting my time? SO CONFUSED :(

Retraction: I’ve had OVER 3 decades (33 years to be exact) of dating, relationships and marriage combined.

But Lane, FWB is not only where the man gets the “benefit” but where the woman gets the “benefit” too. I liked the rules which EL had provided so you can police yourself so you know your are not getting too involved.

For me, when I meet a man, if there is no attraction/chemistry but there is a good connection (I connect better with guys than girls I find) then I offer them “platonic friendship”. If they accept great! If not … no harm done.

If I am very attracted to a guy but he doesn’t have the qualities or doesn’t tick the must have boxes in a guy I want a relationship with then if he is interested in dating me, I tell him that I am ok to casually date aka FWB. (has only happened once) But the boundaries are very clear. I am not comfortable fooling around/having sex with him if he is or may have it with someone else. If he is not ok then we don’t get into this at all. If he does and say either one of us fool around with someone else, then the arrangement is off. I had this arrangement with my old FWB. When I realised that he was not responding to my texts in a timely manner (I used to text him to find out his schedule once or twice a week), then I took a step back and asked myself whether I wanted to continue be treated as such and the answer was no and so I decided that I did not want to continue with him anymore.

Yes, the oxy and dopamine kicks it and kicks in like crazy for us females. But if you focus on why u don’t want a relationship with him, it is possible for your logical mind to take over I believe. At least it did in my case.

I guess the problem is not to sex a guy into a commitment. But then again I believe that every guy or girl should take responsibility for his or her actions. If you meet a guy and sleep with him on the 1st date because you felt there is a “connection” but have not communicated the same to him, then why is he a douche if he chooses not to contact you the next day? May be in his mind this was just a one-nighter and he was ok with it. You were not forced to have sex with him. You made that decision consciously. If you are not setting up boundaries before anything then it is the girl at fault for not communicating her needs and it is not the guy’s fault for failing to read her mind. Some boundaries:
– I do not sleep with guys who may be sleeping with other girls. I require sexual exclusivity even if we are FWB.
– I believe in live-in but not live-in indefinitely. We can revisit the topic of marriage in about 2 years to see where we stand. (This is if you are looking for marriage)
– When you are dating what are you looking for – not with me per se. But are you looking to date for a relationship which will turn into marriage. Are you looking to have kids or more kids

All these questions need to be asked right at the beginning and the boundaries set. If you have not asked the questions and then wonder, I then think you should sit down with the guy and ask him these questions not wonder if you are being clingy etc. This way if you are not in the same mind set, you have not wasted more of your time on him and can get on with finding the person who actually would want to be with you. If you are scared to ask these questions, then probably you are not a good communicative couple and may be its time to realise to either improve your communication skills or move on.

Lane, yes the hormones are there which drive you nuts but just like anything else, it is a learned life skill how to not let your hormones lead you and to think with your logical mind. If you cannot do that, that’s when you need to realise that you have no business doing FWB in the 1st place. This is when my “girl cave” totally comes in handy and then I have some gfs that I use as a sounding board before I make any decision or come to a conclusion. Again its not the guy’s fault that you cannot get your hormones under control. Because he is sticking to the already laid out boundary. If your requirement changes as in you are now looking for more than just FWB, then you need to communicate that to the guy too.

I have similar issues with girls who take their partner back after they have cheated on them without clearly communicating to them what is acceptable and what isn’t. What many woman don’t realise that “cheating” could mean different things to different people. So you need to have a talk as to whether the below is ok with you:
– checking out/admiring girls in public
– checking out/admiring girls on TV
– “liking” FB pics or posts of other girls
– having a normal conversation with a girl on text or chat
– sexting with another girl
– actually having sex with another girl
– going on dating sites to chat with girls but not meet
– going on dating sites to chat and meet girls
– watching porn
and the list goes on…….

And yes some of them may seem a no-brainer but what many don’t realise is that common sense is not very common so its better to talk about it than not.

I agree on part. Unfortunately its not so black and white which is what trips the ladies (and men) up. I agree that sleeping with a man on the first date is not a good idea, but that doesn’t mean sleeping him with on the 10th date isn’t going to end in the same result.

I also agree that knowing this information in the beginning is the best method, but not ALL men are clear or honest about their intentions. Even if they’re looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they’re looking for a relationship WITH THEM, yet he will continue to take her out and treat her as if he’s interested. If she’s feeling a lot chemistry, but the man isn’t, he will still SLEEP WITH HER and then here she is thinking his intentions are honest only to find herself trapped into an FWB situation, and not wanting to get out because of the heart wrenching pain that will occur.

In the perfect world both men and woman would be HONEST about their intentions, but its not, so I agree we need to be SMART and educated on dating/relationship no differently than we need to be all other areas of our lives. Like the saying goes “Ignorance of the law is no excuse”.