Am I wasting my time?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Am I wasting my time?

This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ginger 1 month ago.

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  • #777254 Reply

    Ann

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We’ve had our ups and downs however a month and a half ago we had a big fight. I can act childish at times but he sometimes does things that can trigger my behavior. We did not break up and he’s said he doesn’t want to. We’ve only seen each other once after that happened which was a month after. We met up to talk things out and we came to an agreement and decided we’d take it slow and try to work things out. However we haven’t seen each other after that, we text almost every day but he doesn’t want to see me he said he’s still upset about what happened that night. I’m starting to get very impatient since im trying to work it out but I can’t do it on my own. I feel like his pride and other people’s opinion are getting in the way. I know he loves me and he misses me because he’s said it, but should I just move on?

    #777257 Reply

    Amy

    What did you fight about? Maybe he just wants space to cool down…you’ve dated a year so most likely he cares about you..esp if he’s still in contact. Let him initiate a meeting if he keeps refusing your efforts. People don’t like to be nagged or pushed. Good luck xox

    #777273 Reply

    Raven

    It’s taking him a month+ to cool down?!

    Must have been a doozy of a fight- & yes, you are wasting your time…

    #777277 Reply

    Better off single

    Oh honey move on. He’s looking for someone to replace you.

    I’m with raven on this one.

    #777281 Reply

    Khadija

    A month and a half later is way too long.
    No need to grovel anymore.

    I’d reach out one last time and explain we need to talk face to face. This weird in between has dragged on too long and you would like to know where you stand.

    If he says no then I would tel him consider this a break up.

    If he can’t get past the fight he really needs to communicate that to you.

    #777289 Reply

    Newbie

    Have you posted about this before? Something sounds familiar especially friends and family trying to change his mind about the two of you. If after all this time he hasnt made any attempt to see you and talk, i would assume its over. Especailly if it was a big fight and childish actions its sometimes hard to move on from.

    #777290 Reply

    Ann

    Yes, I guess we’ve been having arguments in between so it doesn’t help much. I don’t want to be pushy but I think it’s unfair. How are we supposed to give it a try if he doesn’t want to spend time together? I suggested we could hang out last weekend and he rejected me told me he already had plans so I got a little upset and asked if we’re ever gonna see each other again because it’s been too long and he said yes but that he has plans and that it’s not gonna be when I want to, basically he doesn’t want to see me when I ask…

    #777291 Reply

    Newbie

    To me he sounds equally childish now, like punishing you while you not know where you stand? Is that a dynamic that has been going on all this time? Maybe you should think for yourself that you two are not compatible and that you dont bring out the best Inc each other.

    #777293 Reply

    Ann

    Yes exactly! I feel like he’s trying to punish me now.. I’ve asked where we stand he made it clear we’re still a couple and that we will try to work it out but I don’t understand how we’re supposed to do that if he doesn’t want to see me? and every time I bring it up he says “don’t forget how you acted, don’t expect me to act like nothing..” but its been over a month. I understand I messed up and made him upset and I’m trying to be patient and give him space but it feels too weird now, he’s not being considerate of my feelings

    #777296 Reply

    Warasen

    This sounds like a long distance relationship but you 2 are not physically separated but are emotionally separated.

    Why do you let him dictate if you are still in a relationship? Do you want to move on?

    #777301 Reply

    Ann

    @Warasen, I don’t think I want to move on.. that’s why I’m still here trying to work it out and make things right. I know he doesn’t want to move on either because he’s still there but I feel like it’s just me trying. I feel like he thinks since I’m the one who messed up I should be the one trying and it has to go his way which I absolutely hate.

    #777303 Reply

    wtf

    Is this a cheating story? As in did you cheat in some way? It kind of sounds like it is especially because you wonb’t tell us what the fight was about even though someone asked.

    This sounds sketchy. Like it’s about more than just a fight. Like something to do with trust. hmmmmmmm #weird.

    #777305 Reply

    Ann

    No this is not about cheating whatsoever. Like I mentioned earlier it was a dumb fight and I acted childish and threw a tantrum, which is not the first time that’s why he’s so upset.

    #777363 Reply

    K

    Ann… first of all you need to take responsibility for your behavior. “I can act childish at times but he sometimes does things that can trigger my behavior.” Your behavior is 100% within your control and your choice. You know this is the same excuse that men who hit their wives use? They say they couldn’t help it, she set me off. You’re doing the same thing. You’re choosing to act childish to get attention. Knock it off or no relationship will ever work out for you.

    How about taking the middle position here? Just back off and let him come to you when he’s ready. Stop trying so hard. You both agreed you didn’t want to break up and you’re taking it slow. So fine – go live your life and stop tugging at this situation so much. How do you feel when someone’s always tugging on you? You back away. He’s not ready to see you. OK fine. So let him come see you when he’s ready.

    #777367 Reply

    Sophia

    Omg K!
    I too have complained “doesn’t he see my (usually negative clingy reactions) were because of his actions?!” to my girlfriends.
    Thank you for your eye opening words on this.
    I’m going to watch my responses much more carefully from now on, and stop blaming him for them.
    Because they’re on me.
    Pure gold for me to read.
    Thank you.

    #777368 Reply

    K

    Sophia, I’m very glad to hear what I said helped you see what you’re really doing. I hope being aware of how you’re choosing to act and speak will help in all your relationships. Blaming others for anything is a victim game and behind the victim game it’s an attention stunt or a power play.

    No one can MAKE you do or say anything, unless they’re threatening to physically hurt you. Once you realize that, life changes for the better. Your only responsibility is you.

    #777371 Reply

    Better off single

    It’s hard to control impulses when someone is rubbing you the wrong way. For some people, it takes several dozen times of it happening to finally gain the self control and make the choice to respond differently and that’s only if they are self aware and consciously choose to change it.

    You’re right nobody can MAKE you do or say anything. A person can say or do something that gets under the other party’s skin MAKING them react to whatever it is.

    The fight was childish and the circumstance was hard to process therefore, she threw a fit and he’s punishing her for it. Parent/fight for dominance, no compromise or mercy, my way or the highway type of bs.

    Me, I’d break up with the guy. It caused me to step out of character, steal my peace, and he isn’t making it any better by acting foolish too- I’m better off single.

    #777372 Reply

    Ann

    I’m not necessarily blaming him, I know what I’ve been doing is wrong. I’m ready for some change and I’m not doing it for him I’m doing it for myself because I really want to learn how to control my emotions and not let anyone get a reaction out of me. I have started going to therapy btw and it’s been helping a lot. I would like to give it a try because I feel like I’ve been negative towards many things that have stopped me from enjoying my relationship. Better off single, thank you so much for your advice.

    #777373 Reply

    Newbie

    A simple “I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later” response on your boyfriend’s part is perfectly acceptable. However, 1.5 months is more than enough time to hash out whatever needs to be hashed out.

    Your boyfriend’s behavior is now a passive-aggressive attempt to punish you for the fight. Whether he’s conscious of it or not.

    Give yourself a timeframe.

    In the meantime continue working on your own behavioral goals with your therapist.

    #777383 Reply

    K

    BOS – “it’s hard to control impulses when someone’s rubbing you the wrong way” is a total crock. That’s another version of the “he made me do it, I couldn’t help it” excuse.

    It’s only “hard” when you haven’t taken 100% responsibility for yourself and words and actions. If someone’s rubbing you the wrong way – that’s 100% your issue. Your triggers are 100% your issue and not someone else’s to tiptoe around.

    If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, then rather than lashing out, remove yourself from the situation and look at what the trigger is so you can dissolve it. If you’re angry, you’ve lost control and that’s the time to back off, regroup and not only regain control before you speak or act, but discover what changes you can make to close down that trigger.

    Ann – he’s still getting a reaction out of you or you wouldn’t have posted here. And yes you are blaming him, read what you wrote, you said he triggers your behavior. Open your eyes – that’s blaming him.

    You can’t make him do anything, let him go. You don’t need him to learn the lesson you say you’re trying to learn. It’s turned into a power struggle and I agree with Newbie, he’s just punishing you and wielding the upper hand now. Just stop playing along. When you change, he will either change or go away. But honestly, unless you can both change this is not a healthy dynamic and it’s best if you break up for real.

    #777387 Reply

    Tallspicy

    A boyfriend you don’t spend time with is not a boyfriend. I have no idea what he is doing, but this is stonewalling of a type. This is who he is. Is he as reflective about his behavior as you are? What he is doing that does not help? I suggest you take your new learning about owning your behavior and use it on someone else. Give him an ultimatum, or just end it. Your accommodation will continue to be unrewarded. Other option is pull way way back and stop being available to him.

    #777389 Reply

    Newbie

    I found your older post In decoding his signals i think and now remember again you didnt just had a tantrum. You have done that in the whole relationship and your earlier ‘toxic’ relationship was your excuse for not trusting him. So i do still think he is giving you a taste of your medicin, but it also makes it clear that there is too much turbulence to create a stable relationship. I think you learned from this and its really good you got yourself in therapy. But give that some time. You cant change overnight plus it will be good for you too to work on yourself on your own. Without trying to make it work again. Sometimes things really get broken for good. I can understand you still want to have a talk with him and he is not treating you fair right now. But i do hope you will fond some balance and happiness being on your own for a while

    #777391 Reply

    Ann

    Yeah, I have no idea what he’s doing either.. it’s so confusing when he says he say’s we’re still a thing but rejects me when I try to hang out. It really hurts me, I know I have to let go but I’m not sure if I’m ready to. I feel so heartbroken.

    #777392 Reply

    Ann

    @Newbie, yes like I mentioned here before I’ve done it before it’s not the first time. and yes I finally learned this time. I have enjoyed this time alone, I’ve been seeing old friends, got myself back in the gym, I’ve been reading and writing a lot. But it’s hard when he won’t stop talking to me but will not agree to see me. It’s really confusing

    #777394 Reply

    Raven

    What are your ages?

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