Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Am I wasting my time?
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Ginger.
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Ann
@Raven, I’m 23 he’s 25. btw this is his first relationship ever
Ann
Update:
I’ve been feeling very emotional these past days. I couldn’t hold it anymore yesterday so I texted him telling him how I was feeling.. I didn’t talk to my friends because it’s HIM who I needed to talk to I miss him I miss him being there for me, listening, and making me feel better. I guess I was just looking for a little reassurance. However, it really upset him which only made me feel worse. He told me sorry that I feel this way but that it’s not his fault we’re in this situation and for me to stop complaining about it. He also said this is why he won’t see me because I keep coming at him with bs like this and it only makes it more awkward to meet up. I feel so down and it sucks because I can’t bottle up my emotions I really like to express myself and let the person know what im thinking what im feeling. But hes the complete opposite, he doesn’t know how to express his feelings and i guess me talking about my feelings annoys him. I wasn’t trying to argue, be pushy, or make anything worse I just wanted to talk. But now I feel worse as if I just keep ruining this idk what to do anymore. Any advice?
K
Ah Ann… not to scold you, but you’ve been given advice and you just ignored all of it and did the worst possible thing you could. And gave some weak excuses to justify it. There is no good reason for texting or talking to him right now.
You’re absolutely right, you keep ruining this by poking at him. You’re insecure as hell and you’ve got a very anxious attachment style.
Neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship with the other at this point. You are not capable of handling your own emotions, you just proved that. Your priority should be getting yourself straightened out. He can’t help you or be involved.
LEAVE HIM ALONE from now on. Consider it over.
Work with your therapist to deal with the underlying issues that you have. STOP DATING for at least 6 months or possibly longer until you know you’ve really changed. YOu’re very young. If you don’t nip this in the bud now, you’re going to have a lifetime of f’ed up relationships. Marrying the wrong guy sucks, divorce sucks, being a single mom sucks. And that’s where you’re headed on the course you’re on now.
Ann
Well the thing is we haven’t stopped texting or talking to each other. But yes I understand I messed up by telling him how I feel. I guess I don’t want to stop talking to him or ignore him because I don’t want him to think I’m done or that idc anymore.
K
SMH.
No Ann – you messed up by having any contact with him whatsoever when he’s refusing to see you. And you just ignored everything else I said. And everything else everyone is saying who doesn’t say what you want to hear.
You are so totally desperate to hang onto him your judgment is just gone.
It’s now time for you to stop communicating with him. This is doing your head in. And this is a functional break-up no matter what he’s telling you. If he won’t see you for this long, he’s playing control and drama games. And you’re playing right along.
Tell him you respect that he wants some time and space and until he’s ready to see you it’s just too confusing for you to keep having daily contact. He should be willing to respect that.
Give the man some damn space. He needs to have some room to miss you, just like that guy Alex on another post who just needs to let that girl sit and feel what it’s like not to have him in her life.
But truthfully… this has gone on for 6 weeks now as you say and it’s just not likely the two of you are going to be able to work out having a healthy relationship. You really need to face that. You’re not in control of your emotions or your actions. You have issues to go deal with before you’re able to relate to any man. Please hear this and talk with your therapist about it.
This guy is not the only man on the planet!You’re acting like he is. Big mistake. Gives away your power. YOu’re worth more than this. But you don’t believe that.
Ann
K, you’re right. I want to keep finding excuses it’s just so hard to accept. I messed up and I just feel this huge need to fix it but yes I can’t keep forcing it when he clearly doesn’t want to.
K
Ann, I feel you. We’ve all been there with a guy we just don’t want to let go. And you’re young. I just don’t want to see you set a pattern of chasing unavailable men! Look at all the posts here from us in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s who are having a hard time. You have a chance to get your issues handled and get on track and meet a great guy and be in a good relationship!!
Let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself. You made mistakes. You will do that, it’s part of life. The best way to make the most of mistakes is to LEARN from them as fast as you can and learn not to repeat them.
Also, I can tell you from experience as can other ladies here – the right guy will want to see you and work it out. This isn’t the right guy. Plus it’s his first relationship? He’s got no idea what he’s doing, bless him.
Here’s a principle of life to learn – the more you chase something, the farther it runs for you. The more attached you are, the more it slips out of reach.
No one wants to be poked, prodded, pressured!
Also, if you want to have long talks about feelings, you’re generally best off talking to your female friends. We process by talking and connecting. Guys don’t. Learn how men think and process. They are not like women. They don’t want to talk about that stuff much. I’m not saying never talk about feelings with men – just keep it brief and to the point. They are oriented to solving problems. If you want to vent to a man, let him know up front – I just need five minutes to vent, is that OK? You don’t have to do anything other than listen.
Hang in there, it will get better. Hugs!!
Tallspicy
OMG, you are not the only one to blame here. I will say it again. Any man who you have not seen in 6 weeks is not your boyfriend anymore. This man was stonewalling you.
I suggest the following:
A. Assume that this is over and move on. Start your healing and be available to other men.Or
B. “Dear Jim, I thought about what you said and I think we both know we are not good for each other. I do not want to bother you, and I cannot be with someone who I never see and will not work through problems with me (no matter who caused them – which is usually a mixture of both parties). So, I think it is best we part ways. I am wishing you every happiness! Love, Poster”
This will allow you to officially end it. Most likely, he will let you go. He might fight, but if he does then you need to go to a few therapy sessions to learn how to resolve conflict. That would be his barrier to entry.
The issue you reaching out is a problem is because it hurts you – not that you push him away. You are not emotionally taking care of yourself when you contact people who are not engaging. We have all done it. It is ok to do it once, more than that is disrespectful to your inner child who you as an adult need to protect. You are telling the emotional part of yourself by trying to fix this that he is more important than you. NEVER GIVE ANYONE THAT POWER. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MESSED UP.
K
Absolutely do what TallSpicy just said!!
Ann
@K, yes I’m very aware of my mistakes and what I have to do to fix them. Everyone keeps telling me the same “if he really wanted to be with you he would at least be trying” and deep down I know it too. I need to stop looking for his forgiveness and forgive myself. And yes, this being his first relationship ever doesn’t help either I knew this was gonna be a hard one since the beginning. Maybe he just came into my life to teach me a lesson, to open my eyes about how much I need to work on myself. Thank you so much for the advice.
@Tallspicy, thank you, I know I’m not the only one to blame here. Just like I have made mistakes, so has he the difference is he won’t acknowledge it and take responsibility for it. He knows I’m there that’s why he’s acting the way he is. I guess I gave him that power, but I’ll definitely do what you said its been too long and it isn’t healthy for me either.
Ginger
I had a very similar thing happen recently. We did not have a horrible fight but he would intentionally pick fights and then not talk to me for 3 days. I didn’t text nor did he but he was always the one texting after 3 days. We too went for a month and a half of not seeing each other and only texting, mostly due to the distance and our schedules. As soon as I would pull away and stop texting, he would do or say something to pull me back in, tell me how much he missed me, how much I mean to him, blah, blah, blah!
Long story short, he was two timing me the whole time and my gut told me something wasn’t right. He was keeping me on the back burner in case it didn’t work out. I seen a text from another girl pop up on his phone, I left and haven’t talked to him since.
Word of advice for you…. Apply the NO CONTACT RULE! Look it up, read about it, listen to youtube videos. He has texted me a few times telling me he misses me and cant stop thinking about me but I refuse to reply. Just knowing it effects him gives me satisfaction. That is one emotional roller coaster ride I am glad to be off of.
And honestly, I agree with some of the others here…. He is looking for someone to replace you or already has someone and is stringing you along just in case. I know it hurts to hear that but if he wanted to see you, he would. Don’t let him play with your emotions and make you feel like its all your fault. You deserve better!
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