Am I Overthinking This?

What everyone has said
Mostly what Tallspicy has said

Therapy. I have had lots. Anxious, preoccupied attachment can be improved but it’s rough.

And only improved with – Self love. Read Ask Polly (online mostly Cut magazine) She changed my life!

I never tell women to be alone. You are not ready to date sweet thing. Trust us on this. Be alone and date yourself.

Before venturing out read Evan Marc Katz. I agree with most of his dating advice and he is a regular douchey dude who did A LOT of online dating before his marriage.

This was a hard thread for me. You are too vulnerable to horrid people. Tend to you. It’s a long process but I can attest to the new attitude of giving ZERO f—-ks and making men treat me well and ONLY interacting with high quality men. It’s sublime.

Newbie, thanks for the book suggestion! I will definitely look into it.

Anon/Liz, I didn’t respond at all. In my mind, he doesn’t deserve it.

I agree, Liz. I do need to be less gullible, for sure. I find it really sick that this guy knew my past and how other guys had treated me (using me/making fun of me if I didn’t have sex with them), and he even dug really deep and made it feel like a safe place to share with him that I had lost my dad a couple years ago. It’s like he used a lot of my personal hardships as a way to get close to me emotionally, then he just pulled the rug out when he didn’t get what he wanted.

T from NY, I really appreciate your empathetic response. I’ve actually had lots of therapy already :/ and I got to a point where I really was doing a lot better in my life. Then all these new experiences began to arise, and things spiraled again. But yes, I will definitely start going back to therapy and I’m excited to do that. Thanks for the reading suggestions! I will check those out.

Lil, I’m glad I’m not the only one who does/did this ;) I find it interesting that you think his message may have been testing me to see if I would respond. Does anyone else feel that way? I definitely did not respond. To me, it really sounded like he was ending things. Honestly, it was a lot of BS…he has to feel stupid knowing that he said all that crazy stuff to me (“prettiest girl I’ve ever met”; “I like you more than I’ve liked anyone ever”; “what kind of ring do you want?”; “you’re perfect”; “I want to be in a relationship with you”; “I don’t care about sex”; and my personal favorite – “I’m never going to leave you.”) I guess he just never really liked me in the first place.

I read the response to my best friend and she really thinks Saturday night was all planned because he wanted sex (clearly). When he didn’t get it, there was a definite shift in his behavior. However, he still wanted me to come over Sunday, which to her, was his way of giving things “one last shot” to see if I’d initiate something, considering last time he tried, he got rejected and it hurt his ego. When I didn’t initiate anything, he had made up his mind Monday morning when I left that he was done, and just waited two days to say anything. She thinks I was too much of a challenge for him – being a really nice looking guy, nice body, makes a lot of money, and has a cute daughter, he’s used to getting whatever he wants from girls, when he wants it; I was that rare girl who said no.

Ahl, I’m going to challenge you to stop talking about this at all. The continued conversation just continues to show how overinvested you were on someone you barely know. We don’t know that he was a bad guy, I’m sorry you don’t wanna hear that, but the reality is is that he was not at fault here, you are. Your willingness to go along with whatever malarkey some dude hands you is on you, not on him. We don’t know him, we don’t know anything about him and maybe he would have continued who the hell knows doesn’t even matter. I doubt he was being so manipulative, my guess is he’s just unhealthy and you’re unhealthy to so you were a good match for a little.

Another lesson, men look for sex and find relationships. Women look for relationships and find sex. You should expect it, it does not make him bad. It means you need to pace it so you both want the same thing at the same time.

Men also say a lot of stuff and mean it in the minute, that is why you need to pace the relationships to see if words and actions match. Appropriate talk ‘that was great, I like you’, not appropriate talk ‘let’s buy rings’.

I suggest that you really just stop talking about this because you barely knew this dude, and it shows a gross gross gross level of over investment that you’re still thinking about it. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but it is the trauma reaction as a anxious avoidant this having you do this. People who are securely attached don’t even bother thinking about this stuff. Channel your inner secure and let it go.

Feel free to keep commenting on your growth and your future and what you learned. Just stop analyzing him.

Examples:
I learned to pay attention to what men say, I learned to not be so available, I learned that good parents don’t sneak people in.

My examples from my last relationship:
Men who speak poorly of exes will degrade you in the end, men without purpose are difficult to respect and it will cause friction, men who expect you to like everything they like and don’t return the favor are dismissive in the avoidant dismissive world, forgive yourself for things they promised but did not give, I am entitled to communication and forgiveness in a relationship.

If you’re still reading your post- not responding to him is a response. What he did was not right, and you are setting a boundary right now, which is good. All relationships teach us something- even if it was a short lived one. Learn from mistakes and move on.

It really is like listening to myself…

As you sound like me I’m going to suggest you being totally focussed and trying to understand him when others don’t get why you would bother sounds to me like you are co-dependant. I am as well so and have been working through this in therapy. I just wanted to point it out as a maybe for you so you can look at it in your journey to healing. It would also explain your super niceness in regards to him.

What I meant by the snap message and it being a test. With his weird pushy behaviour… i was thinking it was more along the lines of it being manipulative it making you respond and give in to sex.

Booking hotel rooms and going away are all about sex. Not love in any shape or form. He was pushing you for sex by using words to manipulate you. Don’t give him another thought.

Also that should be “came pouring out.” Not “cake pouring out.” Stupid thumbs

Now I want cake

Franny, oh my goshhhh. Amazing response, thank you soo much! Sounds like we had a similar experience but I’m glad you were able to heal, focus on you, and stop chasing so hard (like I’ve been doing). And it’s so great that you and your current boyfriend caught feelings when you least expected it. Funny how the world works! Your story definitely gave me a lot of encouragement. I honestly hope that the same thing happens to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post.

Hahaha, go enjoy some cake!