Am I Overthinking This?


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  • #785086 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, anon. I agree. And actually when I read your post, I thought of something. I met a guy a couple months ago and he just kept telling me how pretty I was, over and over. We kissed, but that was all. The next day he texted me constantly, said he wanted to see me again, more compliments. He asked what I was doing that night and I told him I was decorating cookies. He asked if I would bring the cookies over there so he could join me in decorating. I ended up going and we had a good time. Still, we just kissed but that was all. The next day he texted me and said he thought it was weird that we didn’t go further, that he isn’t used to it, called me a “prude” THROUGHOUT the day, and he never asked to see me again. So I kind of feel like that’s what this guy is doing…but he’s just a lot kinder than the other guy, so he isn’t going to text me and be mean like that, he just…isn’t going to text me…I guess.

    I agree with you though. If he does text me and we do continue things, it really needs to slow down a lot. I hope he does text me, just because 1.) I know I did NOTHING wrong, and 2.) I don’t want to be ghosted by a guy who has taken me to an expensive show, paid for a hotel, made reservations at an expensive restaurant, and made future plans to take me to the mountains…it’s just not something that’s easy to deal with. Either way though, I am confident that I did nothing wrong here.

    #785087 Reply
    ALH

    Regarding Friday night. I’ve been up in the air about it. So yes, we did have plans, but right before I left his place I said, “well I still might go home if I can find a cheap flight, but I will let you know.” I was unable to find a cheap flight. So that’s why I texted him yesterday and basically confirmed that I will still be in town Friday.

    #785088 Reply
    ALH

    So my friend and I were just talking and she said she assumes he’ll reach out to me Thursday evening on his way back. I asked why she thought that and she said, “because he’ll be hoping to get something from you Friday night.” NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! Haha.
    Does anyone else agree with this?

    #785090 Reply
    ALH

    The more I talk about this, the more stuff starts to surface. The first night I went over, he said he wanted to get me wine and pizza, and then watch a movie. So I showed up and he was like, “soo the couch is all stained from my daughter…we’ll have to watch the movie in my bedroom.” I said, “Uh huhh…” He laughed and said “no, seriously! I know how it looks but I’m not trying to do anything like that and I literally have new furniture coming in a week.” I said, “I really don’t mind the couch and even if it is bad, I’m cool with sitting on the floor.” Anyway. We watched it in his room and nothing happened besides a kiss, but fast forward a couple nights later. He wanted to take me out to eat. So I showed up and he said, “just have a seat on the couch, I’m finishing up the game before we go eat.” I just find it interesting that the couch was OFF LIMITS the first time I went over, but not the second…

    #785094 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    “he ordered me 3 shots of whiskey on ice, which is NOT my drink of choice, EVER…but it definitely would have gotten me drunk if I drank it”
    He even made the comment “let’s see if Walgreens is open and we can get some condoms.” Even though I had told him I didn’t want to have sex yet.
    You replied to his text: “Anyway, no response. 6 hours later, I sent him a link to a hotel that I thought he had told me about and asked if it was the one he said he wanted to take me to here in a few weeks. Again, NO RESPONSE.”

    Honey, this guy is a scumbag. Why do you even need to ask us what to do? I agree with your friend. He was hoping to have sex with you and is ignoring you now because you put the brakes on him.

    The most worrying part is what you wrote here: “I hope he does text me, just because 1.) I know I did NOTHING wrong, and 2.) I don’t want to be ghosted by a guy who has taken me to an expensive show, paid for a hotel, made reservations at an expensive restaurant, and made future plans to take me to the mountains…it’s just not something that’s easy to deal with.”
    WHO CARES ABOUT GETTING GHOSTED BY A SCUMBAG! Who cares if he took you out and spent money on you if he only did it to get in your pants! You’re dodging a bullet if he “ghosts” you! It has nothing to do with you or your worth. It has everything to do with him being a $hitty person.

    I hope he DOES ghost you, for your own good. And I think you really need to step back from dating and do some self-evaluation. From what you’ve written, you have a history of attracting guys like this….guys who lay it on really thick because they want sex, and then dump you when you don’t put out. You really, really need to work on your filter when it comes to guys. Like anon said, healthy relationships start slowly. Love takes time to develop. It takes time to get to know someone and bond with them emotionally. Any guy that comes on as hard and fast as the ones you’re describing should be a huge red flag to you and you should run the other way.

    #785099 Reply
    Anon

    You will not hear from him until he’s back. But what you need to do is not text him. I’m sure he’s on Bumble in CA, all his weird comments are red flags. Why even say he’s deactivating the account? To get you to sleep with him. The couch thing, the drinks, the Walgreens comment, everything is about sex. As I’ve written before- guys will say and do anything to get sex. Good for you for not having sex with him because you would probably never hear from him again.

    #785100 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, Liz. You’re right. I’m just gonna block him, honestly. I’m to the point where I don’t want to see a response even if he does send one, and I definitely don’t want to be used while his 3 year old daughter is sleeping 15 feet from his bedroom. Thanks for your kind, but straightforward response. I appreciate it :)

    #785101 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, anon. You’re totally right. Guys will say ANYTHING, even that it’s NOT important to them. Oh yes, I’m glad that we never did anything beyond kissing either. I definitely won’t text him anymore, I’m over it.

    #785103 Reply
    Lala

    I don’t really know what else to say here. You have been given lots of great advice from Liz and Anon, but you aren’t getting it or taking it. I second all of their comments and I don’t understand how you still dont see this for what it is and even worse, you WANT to continue with him. He is disgusting and is only interested in sex and if you do not see that, Liz is correct, you should not be dating. Even going back to your last story about the cookies, yes, that man sounds like a jerk, but how could you not have seen that invite to his place with cookies as a ploy? As a general rule of thumb, if you do not plan to sleep with a man, you should not do any home dates until you do. Also, a man you just met having you to his home and serving you pizza and wine isnt really the most romantic or generous thing, so im not sure why you feel loyalty to him for that or that he has invested that much in you at this point. Can I ask how old you are? Because you are either very young and naive or completely not suitable for dating until do some soul searching and work on your self esteem and self worth and your standards. The fact that you are still overanalyzing this situation and not seeing it for what it is (lies from a man trying to sleep you and nothing more) is mind boggling. Also, just because he told you he told his family members about you, and told you he wanted to take you to the mountains, doesnt mean anything. I believe these also to be lies and you should. In fact you have far more evidence of him being a scumbag from the couch, whisky and walgreens examples than you have any evidence of him being a gentleman. You need to open your eyes and see this for what it is. He is ghosting you and you should be relieved. Maybe you will hear from him when he returns, personally i doubt this, i think he has moved on after you spent the night and didnt sleep with him. This is completely your decision and you shouldnt feel bad about that, but i would caution you as a grown woman against sleeping in a bed with a man you just met if you are not ready to be intimate as this sends the wrong message to the man. I beleive he has moved on. If he comes back it is strictly for sex and you should know that. I would not accept his invitations going forward as this man wants nothing more than that, regardless of what lies he is feeding you and you are believing. To be completely honest, his lies arent even that good! I can’t believe you are falling for this behavior.

    You have been given a lot of good advice, now you need to stop being so naive and hearing only the things you want to hear and start taking it.

    #785104 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, Lala. As stated before, I did block him :) and I don’t plan to unblock.

    #785105 Reply
    Lala

    Good move!! Keep your standards high and pay attention to these behaviors from the beginning and you’ll start attracting better men.

    #785106 Reply
    ALH

    I tooootally agree! For now though, I’m just gonna do what some of the people suggested and take a step back from dating and get in a better head space. Thanks!!

    #785110 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Please please please look for therapist who is an attachment and trauma specialist. Specifically ask about their ability to move people from anxious to earned secure. If I did it, so can you.

    Honey, I am sorry to say this, but you are a hot hot hot mess. You seem really sweet and lovely, but you have a lot of work to do! And I believe you can do it!!!!!!!

    A. Attraction to men who go too fast by going really overboard (I have been exclusive within 3 weeks before, but we still only saw each other 2 times a week until about 6 weeks) And I would have been fine if he left
    B. Giving that man all your time before he earns it – where is your life? What about your hobbies and plans
    C. Willingness to see someone who is not a great dad
    D. Believing all this verbal garbage about never leaving you after one week? And getting excited instead of turned off by it.
    E. Being overly concerned about him texting you and then texting several times in an attempt to get attention/validation.***** this is a major one for anxious attachment

    When you are dating – here are the rules
    A. You do not initiate contact with anyone you think is pulling back
    B. In fact, you do not initiate contact at all until he is your boyfriend
    C. You do not date until you can date with giving 0 f^ucks about a man until he is your boyfriend. Not what you do, not what he does.
    D. You pat attention to what he says and does, and look and pay attention to red flags
    E. You have a life and you maintain it, and fit him in, not vice versa
    F. Words and actions have to match. There is no world where talking about rings so early is anything but gross, except that your attachment o meter is broken and you need to fix it

    #785112 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, Tallspicy!
    I actually just got set up with a therapist! Earned secure would be a great goal and I know I can get there too.
    I am sweet, and I’m really nice. Like, that’s one thing every guy would say about me. I’m the furthest thing from a mean person and I do get taken advantage of.
    I agree! These are all things I didn’t see before. I didn’t believe him when he said he would never leave me which is why I asked him to stop and not say it again. I’ve heard that line a thousand times before, haha.
    GREAT RULES! Thank you so much for those. I’m seriously going to save and apply them to my dating life when I am ready to get back in it.
    I really appreciate your encouragement and support, while also being honest with me.

    #785115 Reply
    Paige

    If you take only one piece of advice from this thread, please take this one from Tallspicy:

    C. You do not date until you can date with giving 0 f^ucks about a man until he is your boyfriend. Not what you do, not what he does.

    You’ll save yourself a ton of headaches and heartaches if you just remember that one thing.

    #785116 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I am proud of you. At no point did you get defensive in this conversation and I think that is amazing! Good luck!

    #785117 Reply
    Lala

    100% agree, Tallspicy!

    #785118 Reply
    ALH

    Paige, thanks. I agree, and that’s something I have struggled with. It’s definitely an important rule that I need to put more of an emphasis on, though.

    Tallspicy, thanks for acknowledging that! I really appreciate it :)

    #785134 Reply
    Newbie

    Yeah this was a textbook case of love bombing 2.0. And you getting a bad vibe from Bumble while red flags were piling up everywhere. I was reading through it and it got weirder with every update. But dont worry, we are stumble upon a guy like that once. I do think you should prepare yourself for the fact that this guy will reach out to you again. And you have to realize you got infatuated with this guy so it will be hard to resist. I really hope you can, because this guy will be able to do a lot of damage if you stay so gullible in believing sweet whispers. I even find the fact you blocked him less than 24 hours after you said you want to keep this going as signs of unstableness concerning this guy. Im not saying anything bad, just warning you about the horrible side efffects of getting infatuated real fast with the wrong guy. All the best and plenty of time to find mr right:-)

    #785143 Reply
    ALH

    Thanks, Newbie! I appreciate your response and I agree with you. He definitely moved things along way faster than what I’m used to but in a way, I found it refreshing. Looking back though, way too much too soon and that’s not sustainable long term. I mean, date #2 and he was already asking what kind of diamond I wanted and said I had a $12,000 budget! I should have seen the craziness in that from the moment he mentioned it. I’m glad to be able to step away and look back on things while getting the advice of others. I’m going to wait for the right guy without settling.

    #785144 Reply
    Newbie

    Maybe you should have asked for the whole budget already hahaha

    #785146 Reply
    ALH

    You’re right, Newbie! Hahaha.

    Just wanted to give everyone an update. He found a way to message me since I hadn’t removed him from Snapchat. He said:
    “Just getting a break from this conference. I’m not sure what it was completely, but I can’t honestly say I’m willing to move forward between you and I. I’m sorry to put you through the big wave of emotions which I was equally a part of but I’m not confident it’s going to be able to progress forward from this point. I think you’re beautiful inside and out but my feelings have changed. I do want to thank you for letting me take you out last Saturday. It was a lot of fun and I hope you take care.”

    #785147 Reply
    Newbie

    Im actually glad for you he put a halt on this and also think you not giving in to sex gives you this clear answer now. He was a total nutjob really. But anyway, try to read the book why men love bitches. It will for sure teach you never go to a guys place again to decorate some cookies. I know thats the other guy but still. You really really need to stop pleasing guys that didnt deserve it. And you will.

    #785148 Reply
    Anon

    Dodged a bullet. I wouldn’t even respond to him.

    #785149 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I’m glad for you that things ended the way they did. Hopefully this guy will leave you alone from now on- it sounds like he will, since he didn’t get what he was after (sex). I know you didn’t ask for advice, but if I were you I wouldn’t even reply to his message, I’d just delete him from Snapchat and move on.

    He asked you what kind of diamond you wanted on the 2nd date, OMG, I would have run out of that date screaming! ;-) Seriously though I hope you’ve learned something. You seem like a truly sweet and genuine person. Unfortunately it’s the sweet, kind people that a$$holes target. You have to learn to be less gullible. I’m sure you will! Let this be a learning experience for you. And just remember, any guy who is sincere about wanting to develop a relationship will take things at a more reasonable pace.

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