After 2 years, still no commitment

So I think I read somewhere about guys like this and how they see ‘time’ differently than we do. Yours is a perfect example and I think its on Eric’s newsletter or somewhere I can’t remember now but allow me to paraphrase.

In a woman’s mind we see 2 yrs and all the events, dates, meeting friends family etc as a sign that he wants me for good right??? a man sees these as only ‘events’ not a road that leads to ‘marriage or commitment”. What he’s looking for is emotional and mental connection and if he doesn’t find it with you, no matter how long that time is, he’ll keep you around until he finds it with someone else. when he does he may or may not let you know and so the saga begins.

I kid you not and I was floored when I read that. It appears that everything you all have done together in his mind does not amount up to shit in terms of what you want. I don’t know if meeting your folks n stuff is a good or bad thing but if you decide to ‘walk’ then just chalk him up as a good guy that didn’t want the same things you did at the time and move on girl.

I wonder though have you two had this conversation before? if so when and what did he say about it then? if he’s always been of this mind set then you can’t do much but to listen carefully and either continue as you are or yeah walk away.

Hi,

I don’t know how old you two are but 2 years is a long time to not be in a clear committed serious relationship leading up to potential marriage. Based on what you described, for the sake of yourself and your kids, I would walk away now. You’ve invested two years and he was upfront about his non-committal to the point of actually, okay to “let you go”. You can’t convince him by spending more time and investing more emotionally – think of your kids as well. Whatever his reasons are, the fact remains and what is very clear is that this man is non-committal but yet want to do everything as if you two are bf/gf. If you want a real future with a real man and a real relationship, you need to walk away. If not, then stay and run the risk of him meeting someone else as his options are wide open and cutting ties with you.

Please believe when a man says, he’s not ready for a relationship. He is ready not just with a relationship with you. Since you have been willing to accept the current status quo, for him, you made your choice. He is not deceiving you, he’s not promising you or stringing you along and lying about how he feels about the situation. It’s your decision to be with him without a commitment which does a major disservice to you and your kids. Because you’re with Mr. Wrong, you are missing out to meet and be with Mr Right for you. Time is way too short to waste on a dead end relationship that leaves you unfulfilled.

He’s not keeping you around, YOU’re STAYING around! Why WOULD he walk away from someone who gives him all the benefits of a relationship without having to be in one. He gets all the candy and never has to pay for it… Who doesn’t love candy, and who would refuse to accept it when free? *people with integrity actually would* but anyways, sometimes our own weaknesses cause us to behave in these self-gratifying ways *in his case*. He’s not committing because he doesn’t have to in order to have you. Because YOUR values of dignity aren’t strong enough to walk away from someone who doesn’t value you and see your worth. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m sure it’s painful and even heartbreaking. But an unfulfilling relationship is going to suck you dry and before you know it, your life has passed you by and you’ve invested 2 years only to come to a dead end… Muster up the strength and courage and walk away NOW. It’s going to be painful either way, save yourself from more pain and disappointment. I said last week ‘pain is inevitable but to suffer is optional’

Taryn

Your question …”Why keep a woman around this long when you don’t want to be with her” is the question you should be focusing on. When I read that the first thing I would ask myself is “Why would I want to stay with a man who doesn’t want to be with me?” Keeping someone around is out of “convenience”. He is comfortable with you at this point and how things are. Same goes in many marriages your no longer in love but you stay because its “convenient”.

Two years in my eyes is a pretty long time and to not to want to be in a relationship is definetely an excuse. Look at yourself from a different view…why would you continue to be in an unhappy situation where the man is telling you he wants no relationship? The ball is in your court to make the choice of remaining as is and see what eventually results or explain to him how you feel. Explain that 2 years is a long time and for that person to say they still do not want a “realtionship” is confusing and hurtful. Even though you cannot make decisions for him you will make one for yourself and your children. If you and him are at a different level then going your separate ways would be the best.

I had a good cry reading all of your posts. Sometimes the truth hurts, and coming from people who see outside of knowing us and just seeing the situation, it says a lot.
I’ve told him from day one that I wasn’t a casual dater, that I would eventually want more. I brought it up all the time and then I just stopped. That’s when he started coming around more and even said he had been on the fence but felt like he was ready for more, then he pulled away. So trust me when I say, he says he doesn’t want anything serious and has also said the opposite so I do feel like he is confused HOWEVER if he still doesn’t want more after 2 years then it’s safe to say it won’t ever happen. When I bring it up now he says I’m sorry I’m not moving as fast as u like. So that puts in my head he is feeling something for me. I didn’t bring my kids around him until February which is around the time he said he wasn’t so much on the fense. But I do regret that. It’s hard when I’m in a state with no family and their dad passed away. They really have no place to go if I want to spend more time with someone. I don’t know how to date with children involved. So I will def learn from this.

I don’t have much experience with dating. My husband was the only love I’ve known. This was my first time dating and I thought I was being patient and loving, but it looks like I was just being used. I had a coworker tell me that a man always says that in the beginning just so if he’s not feeling you then its your fault not his. I just really felt like he truly felt something for me and was just afraid of getting hurt, having to answer to someone, and just wanted to be free. But after this long I have to stop thinking about his feelings and think about mine. Walking away is going to be hard and I’m crying so hard thinking about it, but the death of my husband was so devastating but here I still stand. Losing someone who didn’t feel I was worth it can’t be all that bad. Thank you all so much. You don’t know how much better you made me feel

Cut him off start no contact immediately. I’m currently in the same situation with a guy who also happens to be my sons father. Told me just before new yrs that he wanted to give us a shot this Yr I said ok it’s now september and still nothing. So I went no contact I’m on day 12 he’s reached out twice. Screw him. Please move on he’s definitely using you until something better comes along. You would have a better chance at getting what you want if you walk away.

Correction – Full NO contact

For our* actions

Hi Taryn,

After reading more information about you, I can relate about losing a husband and going back out there. I too lost my husband last April 2014. It was a very sudden out of the blue heart attack that took his life within 3 1/2 hours. I was with him with no sign of anything, no health issues, he worked out 3x/week for as long as I’ve known him. He’s fit and never got a headache and barely gets the common cold. Anyway, we were married for 17 years this past September and together for 24 years. We have one child, a daughter, who is now in 7th grade. My husband was the only man I also have loved and known for so long. We had a great marriage, a true partnership – there wasn’t anything that we couldn’t face together.

When I decided to go back out there, I did some reading first as I know the dating world has changed given all the new advanced technology. I was glad that I did some research and found many sites with great information such as ANM and I think one of the books I read that really stuck out to me was “The Tao of Dating for Women”. I’m 49 years old, have a successful professional career and lives in one of the most exciting cities in the world, New York. I know what a great marriage I had and the kind of man who I want to give my heart to. I tried online dating. The first man I met in person after exchange of emails and phone calls is now my boyfriend of 4 months today. I of course did not think that I would meet my “match” in one shot. The point I want to make is there is a man out there who wants to be with you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. After reading all the horror stories of dating in this world we live in now, the texting issues, the withdrawal/pulling away, ghosting, FWB, etc.. etc…It’s really scary!!!

When I created my profile, I wanted to make it clear that I am looking for an exclusive committed relationship and only to someone who is emotionally, spiritually, and mentally ready to receive and give the kind of love I have to offer and no less.
Just like when I was dating my late husband, my boyfriend now never made me guess or do/say anything that would make me go into this forum. All the unfortunate common issues that women here posts never happened with me with my late husband and my boyfriend of now. And there is one thing I know for sure even more so now than ever before based on my past experience and now, “when you are with the right man for you, the man who is your match, you will never have to analyze and feel uncertain about what he truly feels.” PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL YOUR HEART!

Eric and Sabrina and all the other dating coaches out there say the same thing over and over, when the man is emotionally and mentally mature and has made that emotional connection with you, nothing can keep him away from you and from showing you in both his words and actions that he is INTO you. By the time I dated my boyfriend of now, I already knew what the red flags are and I was very sensitive to that as I do not want to waste anytime – not getting any younger :) I want to be able to identify red flags as soon as possible and then, NEXT!!! I take a man’s words with a grain of salt as I truly believe, action is louder than words. However, in your case, it’s very unfortunate because he’s manipulative – he tells you no commitment but acts differently which is one of the worst situations to be in – because it’s very confusing, it creates a false sense of hope from your end, it’s like he just dangles the carrot enough for you to keep sticking around – that’s MANIPULATION in my book. But I got to hand to men like him though, they know what to say and do to keep us without a commitment – some men are masters of this tactic and I feel very bad for those women who are caught in their web of deceit.

After 2 years of nothing, please walk away. NC is your best tool to regain your sense of worth and dignity. HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!! No matter what he does, free yourself of this man so you can start to rebuild and open the opportunity to meet the right man – because he is out there, trust me.

@Teri

Thank you for the compliment. I came from a broken home. Unlike other divorces, both my parents were very immature and I guess, selfish in a way. My brothers, sister, and I were raised by our relatives. Anyway, so there goes the issue of abandonment, anger, insecurity, you name it, I probably had it. I’ve long forgiven my parents and moved on from the past – as it really destroys anything good in its path. By the time I was dating, I have probably mastered the do’s and dont’s in a relationship (dating/marriage) – I figure, how can I go wrong if I just do the opposite of what went wrong in those failed relationships. Like I said, I was very sensitive about failed relationships/marriages because I was a collateral damage. I can’t say there is a magic formula and all the readings and observations have the right answers. However, being much more aware. We all love differently. It’s like fingerprints, it’s unique for each and everyone but there are fundamental basic things to have a positive relationship experience.

1) you have to love yourself first
2) understand what it means to be in “committed” relationship
3) know your deal-breakers (your standards and boundaries/what are you willing to live with and without/what’s important to you)
4) loving is not an idea, it’s a feeling and actions
5) have self-respect and strong high self value and fully understand that you are the only person on earth who is responsible for your happiness, no one else.

No on is perfect, we are all humans who possess weaknesses and strengths but the bsest teacher in life is experience and learning from our mistakes enough that we do not repeat the unfortunate cycle. It’s easier said that done but it’s worth trying to live with those principles to guide us back to the right path.