:(

I didn’t really grow up in house, watching my parents being affectionate to each other. Both of them loved me and cared for me but they were extremely toxic to each other. As I grew older, I started realizing that my dad was being emotionally abusive and that my mother had to subdue her true self in order to adjust with him. I do love them but I feel like I am so emotionally drained just being the person stuck in between. I can’t let myself go at home because I do not want to make my mother worried. I’ve tried therapy but it hasn’t really helped. I am not blaming my parents for my issues but I feel their relationship has really affected how I see myself in my relationships. I often feel like I have both their worst qualities in me and though I work hard to go against it, I always succumb. I was always afraid of repeating my parents’ story in my life and I was always extra cautious. I fell in love with an amazing man and I was so happy that I couldn’t believe it. We broke up a few months back and initially I bet myself up saying it was my fault but then I started to see that we both were at fault. I loved him and even now I believe that I love him. But I don’t remember why. I just feel hurt and afraid that I am never going to be in a happy relationship. I have heard from friends that I am guarded and impersonal and don’t really share the details of my life. But I’ve never felt like I could talk about these. I just feel like it’ll be better off if I am alone so that I don’t hurt the people close to me. But at the same time, I am also afraid and sad about being alone and not experiencing love and happiness. I am constantly trying to change and be better and hide the ugly side but they always come out and I am afraid I will repeat history. I know I went off on a tangent. I just wanted to vent.