3-5 Day Silence


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  • #386224 Reply
    Ali

    Hi everyone. First forum post here. I’ve read a lot of your stories and responses and they seem similar to my situation here, but I go back and forth on whether I’m just overreacting and ahead of myself, or if I have a legitimate reason to be upset.

    I started dating him back at the end of September so we’re just hitting our 3 month marker. I am pretty far along in my feelings for him, probably further along than he is and I think he knows that, yet he still loves spending time with me. We see each other about 1-3 times a week and I’ve always felt he makes effort to see me and make time for me as his schedule is pretty busy as it is. He owns his own company and is usually all over the place throughout the day. He has two phones, one for work and one personal.

    When we started dating he always would let about 2-4 days go by in silence and then he would check up on me. I didnt EVER text him first for the first 2 months of us dating. I waited it out and knew in my head “he’ll text me” and he did! On his way out from seeing me he would make a plan to see me again asking my schedule. So I felt more secure letting those days go by knowing I would be seeing him again in a few days.

    As of about 3 weeks ago, I had a conversation with him about the fact that I started to think it was weird that we had decided we were “exclusively dating” yet we didnt talk every day. My friends and family started weighing in with their opinions and some agreed that it was weird and some didnt. So since it was on my mind, when I saw him next I mentioned it.

    He was super sweet to me and listened to my concerns as I said “It’s just nice to know you’re thinking of me before you go to bed or once a day”. He explained that he’s a pretty independent person and he has never been the type to need to talk to the girl he’s with every day. He also said that “Babe, I want to take you around my job one day so you can understand how my day goes. I’m on my work phone all day with emails, phone calls and texts that by the end of the day the last thing I want to do is be on my phone. And on the weekends I tend to try to be away from my phone when I can. But me not texting you every day has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m just busy is all”. I told him how Ive always been old fashioned and I like the guy to set the pace of our relationship and I know it’s headed in the bf/gf direction, but I still want him to initiate and he said “Well I will, but I dont want you to feel like you cant text me. I will always respond. I may not respond right away, but I’ll always get back to you”. And said “But I can make more effort for you, that’s a piece of cake”.

    After the conversation, the following night he proved he listened by texting me before he went to bed. THAT night was the last night he has done that. After that point, he usually initiates texts only if he knows we have plans. I have been the one to initiate conversations and he always responds, but usually takes hours to reply because of work, but always does. This past week he went to Disneyland with myself and my cousin and her boyfriend, came over three days later to spend time with me and then told me his best friend was coming into town that lives out of the country. He only gets to see his friend one time out of the year so he told me he would be kept super busy, but that he wants me to meet his friend.

    I was happy! The weekend came and I let from Wednesday – Saturday go by without talking (as usual…about 3-4 days) and then called him on Saturday. I don’t usually call him on the weekends we arent together. I sort of have this belief that if he wants to talk to me, he will. But I missed him, so I called him on Saturday around 3pm. 9pm rolled around and I texted him “hey babe is everything ok?”. No response. The following day, “Hey babe, not sure if you’re phone is acting up or if you didnt get my text/call yesterday? (insert small talk) Text me back when you get this and let me know everything is ok”.

    He texted me at 4pm that day responding and asking what my plans were for Christmas. (since we’re a new relationship we arent spending the holiday together but we are exchanging gifts after) so I responded and he then let HOURS go by again. 7pm rolled around and I sent “babe?”. He called at 7:30 and at that point I was pretty upset that that was the very first time he had let 24 hours go by before he finally contacted me and even when he did it was a quick response and took a few hours AGAIN to call me.

    I tried by best to word it as positively and in the least naggish way possible saying that “I know you’re not a phone person and we’ve talked about this before. I figured you were busy spending time with Ryan (his best friend) so I wanted to give you your space this weekend. But it’s not like you to not respond for 24 hours. It was hurtful and honestly i started questioning if you were ignoring me or blowing me off.”

    He reassured me and said “OH NO babe not at all I’m so sorry. He detailed every single thing he had done over the weekend and said that he had been non-stop and said “I really need to make sure I am more considerate of your feelings and I’ll try harder I promise babe. I recognize I’m just not a phone person. I hate having it on me and on the weekends the last thing I want is to be on it more than I have to be. That combined with my best friend keeping me going constantly and family being in town, I just havent had a chance to stop. It makes me upset that you’re upset though babe and I dont want you to feel like I don’t care because I do. Its hard to explain, but I’m just different at texting than most people are. I dont keep it on me all the time and usually think that when that person gets a chance they’ll text me back. You’re pretty good about responding right away and I’m just not like that with anyone. But I’ll be better at it for you babe”. The conversation lead to him asking my schedule and making plans with me this Friday to exchange Christmas gifts and meeting his best friend while he’s in town. I felt SO much better after the conversation which was on Sunday.

    Today is Tuesday and I find myself on this site writing all of this down to get some relief from my anxiety that even though I talked to him about wanting to hear from him more, I haven’t in two days yet. Tomorrow is Christmas eve and I’m anticipating being the one who will have to text him “Merry Christmas Eve” or the following day “Merry Christmas babe!”. ….and dont get me wrong, I WANT to feel comfortable texting him first, but after this weekend and what happened with how I had to wait and wait and wait… I’m afraid of putting myself through the torture of texting him first and not hearing from him for another 24 hours again. It pretty much ruined my weekend because I assumed he was trying to hint that he didnt want to see me, when in reality he just SUCKS with his phone. I’m willing to accept this about him, I just don’t know how to release the anxiety of being the one to text him first and letting it be OK in my mind that he hasn’t gotten back to me in quite a while. Letting go what was once a “cue” for me that a guy is “disinterested” when in reality it’s just not with him.

    So I guess my questions are what are your thoughts on my situation and do you have any tips on what I can do to make myself feel OK about not hearing from him for a while?

    -Ali

    #386230 Reply
    Fibs

    Hi Ali,

    I understand your anxiety. But he’s been honest with you and kind. he’s not texting you or calling you, that’s for sure, and that’s annoying I understand. But he’s involving you in his life.
    I think he likes you very much, but as he said, he’s independant, and not a phone person. that’s two ingredients that can make women drive crazy!
    But don’t be afraid to text him. Not too much of course. As he said he’ll always get back to you. And I’m sure he loves recieving your messages. I know 24h is a long time to respond, and hard to accept, and he should make some efforts I agree.
    But there are other ways to make him better at that. It’s been three months now. You can text him every now and then, not for asking news, but for saying than you after a great date, or send a joke, or something cute and sexy. Don’t try to initiate a converstion, he may does not have time for this, just silly texts taht will make him feel appreciate ;) He’ll be more keen to respond you i reckon ;)
    Not sure I’m right here, but i think worth the shot ;)

    despite of that, if he’s not willing to make efforts (because your desires are just as important as his), then you can start asking yourself some questions about him.
    But don’t pull the red flag too soon!

    #386231 Reply
    Fibs

    sorry for the mistakes, hope you understand what I wrote though. it’s getting late in in that part of the globe

    #386236 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Ali.

    Sweetie, you really need to slow down! I’m just like him, and believe it or I almost stopped seeing my guy because he was calling too much! Its very ANNOYING when we are busy and have a lot of things to do to placate someone. Don’t you have a life? Don’t you have enough things to do during the week? Why do you really need so much contact?

    I think you need to get to the source of your ‘phone anxiety’ because you will eventually drive him away. He has been HONEST with you, and by not respecting his need for some ‘phone peace’ it will eventually come to bite you on the behind. He’s being OK about it for now, where I had to do the same but told him to stop calling so much, whereas if you keep up the pace of your phone demands eventually he’ll either get sick of it (like I was), or feel like he can’t make you happy and stop trying altogether.

    Men text/call to ‘GET SOMETHING DONE’, they do not text/call to bond/connect like women do. Once he’s made plans he’s pretty much good until the date, which is why you should be spending the bulk of your time communicating face-to-face. Texting is now the top two reasons dating and relationships fail (sex too early is the other). The problem is you become TOO AVAILABLE, and its also ranks highest on miscommunication because you don’t have the verbal and non-verbal cues to determine a person’s true state of mind in order to properly encode and decode someone’s message, like you did here.

    You need to start respecting his need to not be on the phone all the time. He’s trying really hard to appease you, but he does have a very busy life. You knew his friend was visiting and should haven’t been so heavy with it. One of a man’s HIGHEST NEEDS is to PROVIDE, so you need to acknowledge and respect his needs too. Really need to take a step back, connect and enjoy the time you spend with him when in his presence (this is how men do bond), and try to fill up your calendar with lots of things to do so you’re not so reliant on him.

    #386240 Reply
    Stefanie

    Ali, it sounds like this is a good guy who likes you and things are going well so I agree with the others, chill. You’re doing a lot right. I”d say just less texting and also mind the word “hurt” or “hurtful” – that is a girl word. Try I feel disrespected or just it feels weird when… and that gets the message across in a more productive way.

    #387534 Reply
    Ali

    Hi everyone! Thanks for all the input here. I read it and took it all to heart. We ended up seeing each other this past Sunday and exchanged our Christmas gifts, went to dinner and came back to my place to watch a movie and relax together. He stayed the night and left early Monday morning for work. I was supposed to meet his best friend who was in town for the holiday (as I mentioned above) on Sunday and I guess he invited us over his house for dinner there, but my guy told me that their place was the size of a small apartment filled with about 7-8 people (his best friend’s family) and a baby and he just wanted alone time with me to do our own thing and not have it be crowded. Which I completely understood. He was sick because of lack of sleep and clearly had been go-go-go since his friend was in town. I was bummed I wasn’t meeting his friend, but the time with my guy was all I truly cared about.

    When we’re together he makes me feel so secure and amazing. As if he’s my boyfriend and that I have nothing to worry about. Refers to us as “we” and “us” and talks about future plans every time. At the end of January is my birthday and we usually have a family party for mine and my uncle’s combined birthday. I told him about that and that I want him to come to that and he said he would. Told me that he would have good conversations with my dad (because I’ve told him many things about my family).

    He asked me if I had NYE off and New Years Day and I told him yes and I said “what are we going to do?” and he said “Whatever you’d like to do babe. My buddy wants to come out to hang out so as long as you’re ok with dealing with him being there also?” I said “Ya no problem! He liked me I think, the last time we went out with him?” and he said “OH ya he liked you a lot actually!” and I said “Ok well I’m excited, I have a cute black dress to wear” and he said “Im sure you do, you always have cute outfits on”. Made me smile, I was happy he was so open and non hesitant to spending NYE with me. Had said “Guys don’t care as much about NYE as girls do so we can do whatever you want” and I said “Well because it’s a couple holiday!” and he smiled and kissed me. We had an amazing night all-in-all and I was super happy again after all that stress. He has explained that his friend is kind of a “diva” and makes everything about him and is always last minute, is a heavy drinker and it was a lot for him the past week to entertain him. So I’m trying my hardest to be understanding that not seeing him for a week and a half and not talking as much as I would like was attributed to his friend being in town. I’m hoping that now that he’s gone, things will go back to normal.

    When we were on our way to dinner, in the car, he was talking about the things he had been up to with his best friend in the time I hadn’t seen him and somehow the conversation got to him saying, “Well maybe we can go to dinner tomorrow night before my friend leaves. His flight is at midnight and I’ll be taking him there so we can see what he’s up to”. I said “ya I would love that”. Long story short, when he left Monday morning from my house he said he would let me know before I got home from the gym (5-6pm ish) what his friend said about getting together for dinner. I waited until 5:30 to see if he would text or call to let me know the plans and then just texted him “Hey babe, I’m half way through my workout, should I be getting ready when I get home for dinner to meet (bff) before he leaves or no?”… 7pm rolled around and he said “I’m so sorry sweetheart! He started at 6:15 with his family and there was no way we could have made it. I told him to have fun for us. I’m taking him to the airport around 8:30. I’ll send you a pic. Hope you’re having a good workout!”… I texted him back “Hi babe, I’m home from the gym already and I had a good one :). Pretty bummed I didnt get to meet him, but ya send me a pic when he leaves. Hope he has a safe flight. Will you text me when you get home from taking him/before bed?” he said “Yah I’m sorry, it’s always last minute with him. I’ll definitely text you when I get home :) Have a good night babe” I said “Thank you babe! That would make me happy. Drive safely xoxo. TTY in a little bit”….and I never got a text when he got home lol. I’m not super stressed about the no text when he got home because as I’ve mentioned above he’s told me he’s not a phone person. Just makes me think sometimes that he says things without full intention of doing it. He always follows through with actual plans, but when it comes to “tentative” plans (like possible dinner with his friend) or something he doesn’t see as necessary (like texting when he gets home from the airport) he just doesn’t do it. This contributes to me having questions in my mind sometimes about how he feels.

    Today is Tuesday (day before NYE)…and because of how so much time went by when his friend came out and that we didn’t talk like we normally do/see each other for a week and a half… I have some underlying insecurities with him now. I’m falling really hard for him and I know he definitely cares for me too, but I wonder how much or how much of a priority he wants to make me in his life. We’re coming up on 3 and a half months right now so it may be too early to tell for him? He told me that his best friend broke up with his gf over the holiday (long story that’s not relevant here). He said “I know she’s not right for him because she changes who he is and the trust is gone in their relationship. He’s told me he knows shes not the one so there’s no use in wasting her time or his time. They’ve tried for 3 years and it just isn’t working for them.”…. Which made me think in my head, well then that clearly means he wouldn’t waste my time if he didn’t want to date me. Great to hear. So many things he says and does in person make me feel reassured.

    He’s extremely affectionate in person and makes me feel really important. So I guess I feel like I may be creating my own anxiety and insecurity. Some of them are unfounded, but some of them I believe stem from the importance I put on the communication. I’m beginning to feel like I’m going to have to accept that this is who he is, and talking every day will be something I’ll have to let go of if I want this to work for us. But is that a reasonable state of mind about the situation?

    After how everything went so positively on Sunday, it’s the day before NYE and I’m sitting here going back and forth with myself and I can’t tell if I’m just being ridiculous or not. I have told myself to wait and see how things go this month now that his friend is out of town and see if things get back to how they were before he was here. I know he would never blow me off on NYE, but I have thoughts creeping in my mind like that specifically because I put so much stupid importance on his (in my opinion) poor communication. …. it’s something that is definitely hard to get used to and sometimes makes me question his feelings for me. But then I reflect on how amazing it is when we’re together and tell myself I’m being ridiculous.

    So I’m just having this internal battle today and would like some insight on how an outsider views this. Thanks in advance!

    #387536 Reply
    Stefanie

    Ali I think you are not used to EVERYTHING BEING OK. :) Go have fun tomorrow night and enjoy this fellow, he sounds like a good one. I”m not one for needing to talk every day and I’m a minimal texter. It’s about what is normal and comfortable for you two.

    #387558 Reply
    Nicole

    I think he sounds great. I usually get annoyed when guys text too much in the beginning, makes things move too fast. Chill, he likes you…..slow is the way to go!

    #387565 Reply
    Ali

    Hey! Different Ali here. I think my best advice for you would be to try to move away from texts. Try to use it for short quick information messages only like “on my way”. Phone calls are the best way to go, especially on the days you don’t see each other.

    #387574 Reply
    Kim

    Ali,
    I highly recommend two books I LOVED:
    Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches – by Sherry Argov.

    I’m seeing that your texts have neediness all through them. Your texts (if from a guy) would repel me, no offence, and I’m female. Be mysterious. Let him wonder what you’re up to. If you don’t hear from him by a certain time and you had made fixed plans, you make alternate plans, go to plan B with a friend. Let him find you later, and when he asks what happened or where you went, say this:
    “When I didn’t hear from you I did X instead, because I didn’t want you to feel any pressure.”
    You are chasing this guy away. Trust me.

    #387630 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Ali.

    Really need to give your brain a break! This doesn’t sound fun and enjoyable to me where your insecurities and neediness will eventually drive him a way. A man should never be your ‘everything’ or sole source of attention as its suffocating, unhealthy and exhausting.

    You really need to take a step back and ask WHY you need so much communication to feel loved? Communication shouldn’t be about getting something from someone just to make you feel better, it should be about two people SHARING, LEARNING, EXPLORING and CONNECTING to that person when your together. Guys communicate much differently than we do. When they talk to a woman they talk to her like he would another man, and when a woman talks to a man she talks to him like she would another woman, which is why there’s a ‘loss in translation’ between the species.

    You really need to learn the unique differences between men and woman. Their needs are different, their communication is different, their goals are different and you need to accept and embrace those differences and find a good balance. Why should he have to COMPROMISE for you? That isn’t love, its being forced to do something that will eventually build into resentment. Give up the demands and control—really need to learn how to relax, stop thinking so much, and treating him like a mommy (making him check in with you regularly) or you will lose him!

    #387758 Reply
    Yams

    Hey Ali, I think I can offer you some insight here because your brain seems to be wired very similarly to mine. Constantly overthinking, being hyper-aware and quite frankly… very cynical. The problem with having such a mind is that YOU cause yourself so much pain and grief but don’t even realise that you’re the problem until much later, often when it’s too late.

    Firstly, I want you to realise that there is a difference between ‘he’s just not that into me’ and ‘he’s not right for me’. You are conflating the two. You are taking these expectations of how you’d want/ expect a guy to treat you and marking this guy of yours against this self-created scoresheet. Now when the guy fails to do well on your scoresheet the problem comes. You come to the conclusion that ‘he’s just not that into me because if he were he would score much better’. However, let me assure you that this guy is VERY into you if everything you’ve said here is true. What’s actually the issue here is that he’s scoring badly on your scoresheet because according to the scoresheet you have drawn up, he’s just not right for you! He’s expressing interest the way HE knows how, but it’s not right for YOU. It’s like asking a brilliant Englishman to sit for an entrance-exam to a job which requires a brilliant person, but having the exam set in Chinese. He s just not right for the job, even though he IS brilliant!

    Secondly, you might want to reconsider whether it’s that he’s actually not right for you, or that you need to change your scoresheet. I’m not asking you to change yourself to suit him. I’m asking you if your scoresheet was created by your insecurities, or by the real you. Say someone assured you that this guy was 100% into you and that things were going brilliantly and all he wanted was to stay with you. Then what? Would his 3-5 day silences bother you? Also, why don’t YOU reach out during these silences? If you did have the confidence that he would not be repelled (we have all heard too many “great” rules about not contacting a man- but this stops after the courting phase and every relationship is different!!), would you contact him and say whatever was on your mind? My personal opinion here is that your scoresheet is created by what you THINK a man SHOULD do, and when he fails to do just that because he’s of a different character, you get disappointed. I think you need to have more confidence in yourself. Remind yourself that a) he IS into you, and b) you’ll always be okay no matter what because you are enough for yourself.

    I’m speaking from experience here. I started an LDR thing with a guy (we weren’t in an official relationship). He’s a really sweet, mild, shy, man of few words who doesn’t even rly reply to his friends messages they leave for him on his wall unless they require an answer. Despite his keeping in touch with me for 10 months, I was ALWAYS insecure and I was always subconsciously testing him. What disturbed me was the silences. We’d be chatting and good and then he’d go MIA for like 4-5 days. After a few months I spoke to him and told him they bothered me. He then apologised and said he’d make an effort. He did, and started contacting me pretty much every day. But still- and I didn’t even realise it- it bothered me because I’m one of those who can be at work and be conducting a conversation all day and still get my work done just as well. For someone like me, I was naturally insecure because I just didn’t understand how someone could not want to communicate more if they were actually into me! I think I always half-expected never to hear from him again. The ridiculous thing is that my friends told me over and over and over again that he was into me. I just found it hard to believe them. It took a massive falling out and loads of space for me to identify the problem. Yes, he had done silly things, but the only person making ME unhappy, was ME.

    When I finally accepted that he was rly into me, I started seeing things differently. I realised that all those times I stopped myself saying what I really wanted to say (because for instance he had not contacted me first that day), I was being STUPID. He would have loved to hear from me. Even if it was a double-text (I.e. I’d texted earlier and he hadn’t responded cuz he was busy or wdv) he’d liked to have received it. I was so wrapped up in my insecurities, I didn’t enjoy my time with him, I made my life about determining if he was into me (expended WAYYYY too much energy there), and I just wasn’t authentic and was always walking on egg-shells. And for no reason at all! He was just a pretty clueless guy who got rly wrapped up when at work.

    The main lesson I learned is that if I’d just trusted that I would be okay regardless of the outcome and done what I felt I wanted to, instead of following pre-set ideas of what OUGHT to be right because I was so afraid of losing him, I would have been a lot happier.

    Please don’t make the mistake I did. I let my insecurities keep growing and I continued to test him and then I imploded and exploded — we had massive fights (he did smth dumb- failed to show up somewhere- but I reacted very very very badly because I took it as the ultimate sign of ‘he’s just not that into me’). Address your concerns with him as and where possible, tell him you appreciate it when he does do something you like, and just do whatever the hell you want! Message him if you want/ call him if you want! Relax and be confident that you are always enough for you and you’ll be a lot happier!

    #387765 Reply
    Elsa

    Yams, damn girl! That sounds like something I’m going through now!! I’ve been having a long distance friendship with someone, I say friendship because we’re both happy with our communication set up and occasional meet ups, we have been communicating through whatsapp for the past 29 months. Yes I know it’s not the best from of communication but you know what it works for us!! I get stressed and worked up, make myself miserable then he’s back in touch being his usual self…so it’s not him making me miserable its my insecurities!! Yes, one day he’ll be gone im sure but until then I need to just relax and enjoy the fun we’re having right now. I’ve pushed this guy, been really crazy and stupid but he still keeps in touch…when I go off on one he just stops messaging for a few days then comes back and says have you calmed down yet? So he must like me in some way or he would just have buggered off by now, he’s not gaining anything by staying in touch with a fruit loop!!! So for 2015 I’m trying hard to let my silly insecurities go and just going with the flow! What will be will be and there is no point stressing and destroying a perfectly good LDF

    #387766 Reply
    Stefanie

    Yams… PROFOUND post. I wish everyone here could read this one. This is serious growth and insight, into yourself and another person and about love and intimacy.

    Happy New Year sweetie!

    #387800 Reply
    Yams

    Happy new year guys! May we be happier this year!

    That’s the only thing I want this year-happiness. By anyone’s standards I had little to complain about last year. I had everything. But I made myself miserable wrt questioning if this guy was into me, when even after I showed my worst colours to in the end, he kept reaching out after.

    And the best way to be happy is to remind ourselves that we cannot control anything in this world, except our own reactions. Take each day at a time and ask how we can make ourselves happy that day. I’ve realised that without a guy I’m just as happy– happier actually, because of how crazy I behaved while I was talking to the guy. So I realise I never have anything to lose where a man is concerned. I always have myself and I could gain him

    We learn!!

    Elsa: Wow! I didn’t think anyone did the same thing I did! It’s not easy is it. And yeah we communicated entirely by whatsapp too. It’s lovely to have someone to text all the time but the problem with such ‘relationships/friendships’ is that they’re fraught with uncertainty by the very nature of how they’re constructed. And this uncertainty can drive us nuts. But, just rmbr this- even a 20 yr marriage can end because of a death, cheating, partner turning gay, differences etc. Anything and everything can end. There is always uncertainty. Just enjoy what you have for now, and if you want something that a guy isn’t doing, just ask for it. He can say no and that’s the most there is to it. Then you can be happier moving on or negotiating or wdv.

    #387803 Reply
    Stefanie

    The only thing that’s constant… is constant change! We drive ourselves out of our heads trying to get things nailed down just as we want them. It’s kind of like spending the whole day at the beach building the most marvelous sand castle, and then expecting to find it there intact day after day when we go back. Just isn’t gonna happen.

    #387805 Reply
    Elsa

    Correct again yams!! They are fraught with uncertainty but as you say even a good solid marriage can end in heartache so I’m gonna enjoy what I have and just live in the here and now, not worry about future events which may or may not happen. Are you not in touch with your whatsapp guy anymore? He wasn’t Irish was he? Just incase its an Irish thing!! Thanx for sharing your story..nice to know there are other ‘relationships’ like this out there!

    #387829 Reply
    Fibs

    Yam’s ! your post was very very profound ! Great lesson for a lot of us, really well explained, and a good way of thinking for this new year !! :)

    Happy New Year to everyone! :)

    #387832 Reply
    Fibs

    I actually copy/paste your advices Yam’s ;)

    #388036 Reply
    yams

    Aww fibs that’s really sweet.

    Tbh I reply only to posts where I feel I’ve experienced the situation and the reason I write such long posts is so that I can explain to you guys the way I constantly explain to myself. Trust me- breaking these bad thinking habits does not come easily. I have now gotten to the point though where I see myself heading down that negative spiral and I simply catch myself in time and shut my mind up. Sometimes I’m in too deep before I catch myself so I reassure myself with the same stuff I have written here.

    Catch you negative thoughts and don’t let them control you.

    #389288 Reply
    Ali

    Hey all! Wow I hadn’t been on and checked all of this in a little while, but I thought you should all know the news. He and I are done. And not because of any reason you all think it would be. Are you all ready for the shocking news?

    New Years Eve he waited until SEVEN pm to finally call me and tell me “I’ve been on the phone with my friend Kris and he’s having a fit that tonight his plans are being ruined because he wanted a single guy’s night with me and he got mad when I told him you were coming.” I said, “Well I thought Kris liked me? We’ve hung out several times, and I won’t get in the way, plus there will be lots of other couples there. I get he doesnt want to be third wheel, but it is NYE after all. It’s sort of a couple holiday”. My guy agreed and said “I tried to explain it to him and he’s just not budging. He pretty much gave me an ultimatum. He told me either you come by yourself or don’t come at all”.

    SO, my guy invited me over his house and chose to be with me instead although he was very clearly bummed he couldnt see his friend. He told me he was stressed about Kris being mad at him but he sent him a text and didnt want to deal with it. He and i went to dinner, I offered for us to get champagne and watch the ball drop on TV. He doesnt have cable so we drank champagne and watched a movie. He went on a rant about kris at one point in the night how “Kris and I just click and we get each other. I dont have a ton of friends so I value the ones I do have. He may be weird sometimes, but he is always happy and has a smile on his face and that’s what I love about him” … I said “well I”m sorry babe I hope he doesn’t hate me for taking you away from him tonight, but I just wanted us to be able to spend nye together” he said “it’s just a shitty situation. Its not your fault or his. I should’ve communicated with both of you about it earlier. I don’t want to talk about it anymore it’s upsetting me”.

    So we went and laid down in bed and talked about other things. My birthday is at the end of January so he brought that up and said that he was excited to meet my family. We would reach 4 months of dating next week. Said a lot of reassuring things making me feel that although he was bummed about how the night went, he wasnt blaming me. We made breakfast together that next morning and he made plans to go to the gym with me.

    3 hours after I left his house and I was getting ready to meet him for the gym he sends me this text “Thank you for last night. I apologize for being distant but as you know it was a stressful day for me with Kris. I hope you know I really enjoy spending time with you and think the world of you. I really enjoy the company of my friends as well and enjoy being able to do things with them and last night really upset me that I couldnt. Its NOT your fault but it did make me realize how much I enjoy my freedom and being able to see my friends. I don’t want to hurt you or waste your time but I need to be honest with myself and with you. I really respect you and am so thankful for you. As nice as last night was, it was very frustrating for me to not be able to spend the time i wanted with my friends. I dont know why it upset me so much, but I would be lying to say that it didnt. And I think it really shows me that I really value my friends and having the opportunity to see them as I please. And I realize I cant dedicate my time to you anymore.You have been so patient and understanding but you do deserve more time and attention. Please take the day to think about things and let me know your thoughts. I’m sorry to TEXT this but it’s easier for me to put my thoughts down”.

    I balled. Didn’t respond for 4 hours because i truly didnt know what to say. I felt blindsided. So I said “In all honesty, I am extremely stunned and very sad that you’re choosing to address this in a text. If you truly think the world of me and respect me as you say, then I deserve an in person conversation about this or at the very least a discussion over the phone. I’m not going to regurgitate all of my feelings to you about this in a text. It’s not the right thing to do. I’m also not some crazy girl who would ever go off on you. I already tried calling you a couple of times today and didnt get an answer. You have the rest of the day off as well as the weekend, I would appreciate a call back”….. No response. Next morning I call him around 10am. No answer. So I text “I’ve taken time to think about everything you said and I have so many things that I would like to say and calmly talk about with you. It’ll just end up being too long of a text message. So can we please talk about this?” ….Nothing again.

    I didnt attempt to contact him the rest of friday or saturday. I called twice on Sunday with of course no answer again. In MY opinion, (and I’m guessing some of you will disagree but everyone is different), text messaging for a break up or breaking it off with someone, regardless if it helps get thoughts out, is an easy way out. A coward way out. It’s insensitive and made me feel like the only time I was worth was that little bit of time he took to compose that text and that’s all that the past 4 months meant to him. I gave him the weekend to see if he would actually contact me seeing as he left the conversation open for me to “let me know my thoughts”. But I’m sure all that line was was for him to make himself feel better that he’s being the “good guy” and letting me down easy. But to me, spending that much time with someone and then just leaving it at that text and never talking to them again is pretty callous and cold. And you would think it stops there right? …..NOPE!

    I then found out via social media that the sudden break off with me was clearly because he must have been maintaining myself as well as his ex girlfriend who kept appearing here and there throughout our relationship. She posted a pic of the two of them this past weekend. My heart sank to my stomach and I began to view this man who I thought he was as a complete snake in the grass. I had a GUT feeling something was wrong all along and I didnt listen to it. I came on here and wrote you all and tried my hardest to reassure myself. But the reality is, when a guy is into a girl he may not communicate with her EVERY day, but it sure as hell is more often than he did with me. Work is a real excuse but when he let weekends go by, that should’ve been my sign. He was clearly maintaining the both of us at the same time and i got played for a fool. So happy new year to me :(

    Just thought you should all know how the story ended. The end.

    #389297 Reply
    Juliette

    Hi Ali
    I am so so so so sorry. I hope very soon you will realize that this guy (I’m not even going to call him a man) was just in your life to teach you something and that is getting closer to what you want and need in a relationship. You will find a man who will follow up on what he says, who will communicate with you regularly and help you feel safe in your relationship. You shouldn’t need to settle for less. Take care of yourself and keep your heart open. xo

    #389304 Reply
    M

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a man you’re exclusive with to call you and say goodnight… the thing is, though, that is boyfriend behavior. I, personally, wouldn’t agree to being exclusive until I’m his girlfriend…at which time I would let him know that I need a phone call to connect and say goodnight if I’m going to be his girlfriend.

    It does seem like he really likes you. And it also sounds like you need more than he is giving you right now. That doesn’t mean you’re a needy person. Different people like different levels of communication and it’s not wrong to like a goodnight phone call… my last boyfriend wasn’t really into the phone and then when I broke up with him he asked if he could still call me and say goodnight every night because he liked it so much, once he got used to it.

    I don’t know whether or not this is the right guy for you but I do know that it’s not at all unreasonable to need what you need. Not every guy will be willing or able to provide that and it’s up to you to decide if you really need it or you’re willing to settle for less. Plenty of men would be happy to check in each night. But they will likely be a little less masculine and a bit more sensitive.

    I’d really appreciate it if we stopped using words like needy, insecure, etc. It feels judgmental and it’s far too subjective. One person’s needy or clingy is another person’s aloof. There’s effective and ineffective behavior, communication, standards and expectations… would it be possible to use words like effective and ineffective? They’re much more neutral.

    Lots of love!

    #389307 Reply
    M

    Also, the phone call at night is about giving to you. It’s not for him, it’s for you. Even a very masculine man will be happy to give to you if he knows the difference it makes in your life. Men like to do things for women, as long as they understand the benefits. It sounds like he doesn’t get how much it benefits you, since it has no impact on his day. If you were able to communicate how happy it makes you and how much more relaxed you feel when he calls to say goodnight, I’m betting his attitude about a quick phone call would change… also it’s very important that you know that the goodnight phone call should generally be quick and light hearted… people who think the way you do (like me) sometimes use goodnight conversations as a time to bring up relationship stuff or test the relationship… that will backfire… if you’re the kind of person who does that (not saying you are, I just know that I have that tendency) recognize that the need is to connect… so you can let him know that you need to connect and need a bit of attention… but don’t use that time to bring up heavy stuff. It doesn’t sound like you would, just a warning in case you might.

    #389309 Reply
    Ali

    Thanks Juliette! Men like him are the reason women like me are still single. It’s unfortunate, but I really pray that God will bring the right man in my life soon enough. I’m pretty tired of finding out my prince charming is a toad.

    and M, thank you for your input. Scroll down a bit, you’ll see the ending to my story that I posted today. Not exactly what anyone in this feed expected I would imagine. But I do agree on your “needy” point. I like that you said “one person’s needy or clingy is another person’s aloof. Very great point I’ll take with me. Hopefully I’ll find my right fit soon. As for now, nursing a broken heart is all that I’ll be doing for at least the next month.

    -Ali

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