25, was this a date? kinda long and confusing. need help decoding this

Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice 25, was this a date? kinda long and confusing. need help decoding this

  • This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 6 months ago by Liz Lemon.
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  • #943049 Reply

    Hi all. Nice to be in here again. This is going to be long. I don’t remember last time I posted in here, may have been early summer. I am 25 and living in NYC still but lately have been home the past few months and trying to work from home because my dad took a bad turn and my mom had an accident so I have been playing caregiver. Then I was back in the city for a few weeks and things got bad again. My dad passed away two weeks ago. He had cancer for six years, I am amazed we had an extra few years with him.

    I had off two weeks of work but trying to get back into things and its weird. 25 and losing a father. We had a complicated relationship, but at the end of the day he was my dad. Anyways, the point before I dive in further is that I am grieving, but this is also about a man. Oddly brings me peace knowing amongst my grief I can still come to this site and ask “wtf is going on with this guy?!” hahaha. I’ll provide some context.

    I talked to this guy during the pandemic in 2020 for awhile and we went on a few dates once it was safe to do so and thought we connected. This was all in our hometown. He started acted weird and barely was texting me and spamming me when he was obviously bored. I got quite fed up with it and gave him one more chance and he bailed on me last minute before we had a date. He went MIA on me for a month before asking me how i’m doing and I then called it off. His last words to me over text was “I enjoy talking to you and spending time with you I’m just a massive f**k up.” That was sept 2021.
    I got a text from him in April 2023, an essay basically, apologizing for how it ended between us and that he was an alcoholic at the time and i didn’t deserve it. I deleted his number so it took me a bit to register who it was. I accepted the apology, we left it at that. He texted me again randomly in july asking if i saw a movie because he remembered we both bonded over films. I asked him though if he had another agenda with reaching out to me and he basically said no, and that expecting anything else after two years of no contact would be a bold move from him. Left it at that.

    I ended up texting him about a movie a few weeks later (purely just about the movie) and he suggested that we should see Oppenheimer together since we both love movies. I agreed because I was home helping my parents and figured it might be different. He picked me up from my house and the movie itself was great, but he was so awkward after the date. He said he didn’t eat anything all day and i suggested getting some food and he said lets do it. He mumbled the whole time we ate and didn’t ask me any questions and i was super confused. He dropped me off and we hugged bye and i got the hint he was not interested and deleted his number again lol. 3 weeks later he texts me asking me hows it going. Threw me for a loop.

    We texted again and then a bit in October he went MIA again. He apologized and texted me two weeks later when my dad went into the ICU and when he passed. I rambled to him and said I probably need a distraction at some point but not right now (suggesting to do something, i wasn’t thinking as he just died). He said he would think of something and that hes a bit busy but he’s there. I don’t reply to that. A week later he checks in on me and asks me how i’m doing. So he double texted me….and a few days later we ended up at this pizzeria and he brought a bottle of wine (he paid for it all) and we took a drive around our hometown and just talked. We ended up taking this oddly romantic stroll on this nature trail and sat on a bench and looked up at the stars for like 40 minutes. We sat close to one another but he did not kiss me (and mind you, we kissed before in 2021 when we briefly dated). After we got up from the bench he asked me when i’m going back to the city. When he was dropping me off he kind of just stared at me and i leaned in for a hug and i think he was confused. I squeezed him and told him thank you because i felt normal again after such immense grief. But i have no idea if hes actually interested. What is his deal. Ill take the night for what it is but its possible it was all platonic?

    Anyways, I am still very much grieving and juggling other stuff and hes in law school. I didn’t hear from him since, which seems to be his style post hangout. I am just confused. Maybe he didn’t wann

    #943051 Reply

    ready everything again and tell me what would you say if this was your friend… this guy is not emotionally and maybe even physically available , you keep attracting them. It it ‘you’ problem. You want to be loved even though you said before you are ok with casual, but we know you are not. But you end up texting guys who ghost you, who go MIA right before the date. What does that say about you? about your boundaries? Have some self respect girl. I know being young , we make mistakes, but come on , guy ghosts you once, he is off your radar, let someone else deal with this disrespectful behaviour .
    I ghosted guys in the past and let me tell you, if they messaged me again for whatever reason I didn’t sit there thinking omg what a nice guy , he really wants to connect again. I was thinking omg he has no self respect..
    Respect yourself enough to not even entertain the idea of talking to someone like this guy, not to mention going on a date.

    #943053 Reply

    Hi Ella, I’m so sorry about your dad 💔

    You ask what is going on with this guy? This guy is a hot mess!!

    Seriously, stop it with this guy.

    #943056 Reply

    Sorry abt your dad.

    You need to stop entertaining men who are not available. He will msg you sporadically when hes bored or has time on his hands. And see you once a while.

    If you can meet him casually without any expectation than its ok. But if you fancy him and wld like more, then hes certainly not the guy! If you feel your attrcted, then its best to shut him out of your life or you will end up getting hurt.

    #943057 Reply

    stop dating for a while, you are not in a good place. And that guy is the worst possible option. Even if you weren’t dealing with all the added stuff, it speaks of you being willing to take whatever you can get, aka desperation. Dating people is a great way to avoid grieving, just fyi. [that is sarcasm]

    Take time to heal, lean out to your family, your friends. I’m sorry for your loss. I know how much is sucks.

    #943061 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Ella, I remember your other posts, including the one about this guy in your hometown before you moved to NYC. I’m so sorry for your loss! I really am. I lost my dad to cancer too, you have my sympathy.

    I agree with what the other ladies have said. This guy isn’t worth your time. I don’t know what his issues are but it doesn’t matter, it’s not your problem. He’s flaky and inconsistent, and you deserve better. You say yourself that you have no idea if he’s interested. A guy who’s right for you will be consistent and will make his interest clear. That’s the bare minimum and this guy’s not even doing that. There’s nothing to be confused about — you shouldn’t waste any more time and energy on him. I’d suggest taking a break from dating altogether for a little bit, focus on your friends and family and healing process — you’ve suffered a big loss.

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