Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Should I risk reaching out to him
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Vanessa
Alright a friend of mine told me about this site. She said you guys give great guy advice for tricky situations like mine. Help please because I really don’t know what to do about this…
Listen a guy I met online at the end of march our first date was great. I could tell he liked me he asked me why I was on the online dating site. I just told him I was going through a bad break up and my friends told me about it. He asked what happen in my break up I just said the guy wasn’t nice. He was surprised that I wasn’t telling him more. So I asked him the same question and turns out he just gotten out of a bad break up also. He went on told me a long summary how it went down they we’re together for about 3 years on and off during the last year. When he was off on deployment she ended up cheating on him. Her son he seem really close with since he describe him as his god son. My guess is there was a lot of fighting with them two a bunch of bitering. Didn’t really get along for sometime but now it seems different I’ll get into that later. But both of us we’re broken up with our ex’s about 5 months before we met.
Anyway we went out on a bunch of dates about 12 of them in the past two months got along great I met his father, went to his coaching gig for these little kids. I did sleep with him. There we’re some bumpy roads I had fears that he wasn’t all in with me reason why is because he was guarded with his feelings every time I brought up where are we heading he wouldn’t dismiss my question. But he wouldn’t give a clear awnser either he just usually said he wasn’t sure just yet. I started thinking he was just using me for comfort or sex I dont know a rebound I was starting to get nervous and anxious. Even started to regret having sex with him at one point let’s just say. All that building up I start acting upon it too accusing him of booty calls, umm taking some things he said personally, cause arguments he accused me of being too sensitive. There was even one time where he just stop talking to me for six days because we we’re bittering a lot at one point even said I deserve better I was right I should just continue to do me. Then came back out of no where aplogozed for how he acted towards me said I was right about everything. Said he missed me wanted me to hang out at his house help wash his car watch a movie while eating my favorite cake red velvet. Lord and behold we end up sleeping together. Anyway he accused me of being too sensitive..
I just wanted to know I wasn’t wasting my time you know. Then to make all matters worse. Let’s get back to the ex girlfriend remember I said there seem to be a lot of fighting between the two way before he met me. Well after he met me its different there not fighting at all as a matter of fact she still in his life along with that little boy also. Reason why I know this is because his birthday at Dave and busters she was there with the little boy. His older sisters birthday party which he told me about both of them she was there too with the little boy. There’s pictures online on his mother’s page he wasn’t tagged in them but I sure saw it. Isn’t that strange it was eating me up inside to the point I couldn’t be myself I just wanted to know if whatever going on with his ex. Then what in the world is he doing with me…
Well I had another disagreement with him I let you guys read. Here you go…
Me: Reason I wanted to talk on the phone tonight was to talk to you about something. But it looks like that’s not going to happen so I will just tell you now. Um I want to slow way way down we’re still cool. What I meant by I want you to have a clear head the other night is..
It feels like your using me for comfort I dont mean that in a attacking way towards you. But I did tell you before that I wasn’t up for that. I dont sleep with a guy that I dont maybe see something with potentially. Right now because your sooo guarded and indecisive from your past. Its creating a lack of trust on my part last thing I want is to put my self in a potential situation. That could hurt me in the long run I been through that already…
Look I know you been through a lot I understand I really hope it gets better. But I can’t put myself out there like that anymore.
Ok, GoodnightHim: I understand completely and you may be right for the most part, I will respect that from now on and not pressure you like that anymore. My bad, won’t happen again.
Me:I may be right for the most part????
Are you serious it’s a clear cut out what it is, if you weren’t interested in a relationship which you weren’t. You could said that a long time ago but you didn’t. Cause you wanted to keep the **** that was going on between us going. You know what just leave me alone.Him: Really?? Don’t be like that, I was just trying to be considerate to your feelings, why are you so sensitive??? That’s the reason why I can’t have a relationship with you right there tbh. Ijs I am indecisive and a lot of times I get caught up but I was trying to pursue something until all the issues came along. Do what you feel is best though.
Me: Whatever I dont care anymore Do you.
Him: Call me when you calm down
Me: I am calm, Honestly do you think that your indecisiveness or guarded up feelings any kind of that behavior. Makes it any better also or causes any less confusion on me. No it didn’t , it actually made it harder. To top it all off knowing you broke up with a ex of 2 to 3 years . Only about 3 to 4 months ago that’s not that long ago. I could’ve been or could be a rebound to you for all i know Im just saying. So of course i was on high alert. I couldn’t tell if you actually liked me or just enjoyed my company for comfort for yourself. Really though you were guarded, stoned faced . I was trying to figure out where your head is at before getting too deep in to it with you. I shouldn’t have assumed so much for the worse that’s on me. For me being sensitive I’m a sensitive person. But like I said before not as much as your making it out to be. You weren’t clear on your intentions so my over sensitivity is what your calling it. Is me being protective of me being hurt by you. There you go that’s the reason for the issues you have with me. I’m not trying to keep arguing. With you I’m also not trying to be confused anymore also.
Him :Okay I understand that and I told you I do enjoy your company but not for anything other than the fact I like being around you. At times I am guarded and so are you, with that being said I rather just be Kool with you until I know what I’m dealing with for sure
Me :Really??? I dont remember you saying that cause if you did i would of been left i think you know that but I did say I’m not your play toy. You know what just Do YOU and just back off from me there problem solved
Next day he called just had regular conversation with me while I was driving to work. At first I was going to ask him to hang out with me after I got off from work. In a cool way I was gonna say can you help me with a little favor I was going to say go to the beach with me. Well then I thought about it I change my mind but I already sent the text. So when he text back asking what is it I just told him never mind sorry sorry. I changed my mind because I was still angry but at the same time I like him I want to spend time with him. But I feel like I should back off now. But any way a day later he text me asking me what was the favor I just came up with a lie. He kept asking question like well what happen I told him a friend helped me. I said something rude ” Anymore questions” I knew it was rude he even said it was an also but ok I was just trying to make sure. I asked make sure what he said nothing and have a good day. I just said whatever. I know I was rude but I feel like I was played because I feel like he could of made his intentions with me known way sooner before I gotten my feelings involved. I haven’t talk to him in about 3 days now. I know why its because I was rude but I’m still angry. I dont know what to do because I like him all I wanna do right now is apologize to him for being rude and keeping talking to him. But then again I don’t wanna risk being played so that’s why I’m keeping my distance I haven’t reached out..
Anyway should I risk reaching out to him? I don’t know if I can trust him or be friends with him right now I’m coming to you guys to get clarification of the situation. Maybe you guys can see the whole picture like maybe I’m missing something because of emotions got in the way.
Hannah
Oh blimey. This isn’t going to work. You’re having relationship talks when you’re not in a relationship. I think your gut was right and it was telling you he wasn’t really into a relationship.That breeds insecurity.
He did tell you his intentions. They were that he wasn’t sure. You just didn’t listen.
You’ve done a lot of game playing here. You don’t need to do that with someone you’re right with, or feel the need. Just trust this is the wrong guy for you. He doesn’t make you happy does he?
kaye
Seriously? All this drama in just two months time and 12 dates? And in that short amount of time there was even 6 days when you didn’t talk because you were bickering too much!! You say he left his last girlfriend because they were fighting all the time and she cheated, do you really think he wants another relationship where there is bickering and fighting all the time?
He obviously is still taking her to events and they were together for 3 years so he is not over her yet. But they only fought the last year according to him. You two can’t even get along in 2 months. This should be easy and exciting and the honeymoon period! What could you possibly have to look forward to if this is your relationship? You two aren’t compatible. This toxic thing between you needs to end. You both need to take some time to get over your exes and heal before dating.
Peggy
Hi Vanessa-Oh my gosh,wow-you really freaked out here! I am surprised he even kept talking and trying to explain things to you. Here is my take-everything was going great and then you just could not stay in the moment and enjoy that. Too much pressure for future plans and defining things after just a couple months is just a wrong move. Especially since he is newly out of a longer relationship. Plus the jealousy you have created about the ex is not helpful. This is all about you and your insecurities,not him. Dial it back and quit this “feelings talk” and accusatory tone. I would wait to see if he gets in touch and then,if you like him,respect him and want this to work-I would apologize for being so rude and negative. Just say-“sorry, I realize I freaked out abit and was unfair to you. It really was more about my issues than yours-if you still want to,let us try this again” Then leave it and see what happens.
Vanessa
Hannah
He did make me happy I was having a blast until I saw those pictures.
Maria
Your guy is really considerate and nice, all this drama from you and he is trying to hold you back and calls and talk to you…most men would just stop trying.
Why are you picking on his every word. Sit back and wait, give him some time to figure out what he feels for you, why are you so desperate. 12 dates. You like him, so enjoy it. You are as much a rebound for him as he is for you, so if you stop being so pathetic it might actually work.
Give yourself some time to see things from a distance. You can drive any guy away with these stunts.
You can tell him that you feel embarrassed and that you need time to regroup and that you will call him in 2 weeks. Give yourself some time please! And don’t worry about his ex, the more you worry the more of a problem he’d be. If he did not like you, he’d be gone already. If there is something between him and his ex there is nothing you can do, so waiting a little would be beneficial as well, to see what evolves there. You don’t want to be mingled in their story do you?
Phillygirl
Wow, only a couple of months and all this drama and upset. I honestly (and with all sincerity) don’t think either of you are ready for a relationship just yet.
It’s okay (and recommended) to take time after a breakup, to fully heal before you move on. Otherwise, you drag past hurts into your new relationship, which in fact you are doing with this guy.
There are some simple, yet sometimes difficult (to do) guidelines.
Don’t get involved with someone who is recently (less than a year) out of a long term relationship.. Men will often get involved with a new woman in order to feel validated, and for the comfort and sex, right after a relationship ends. That does not mean they are over their ex. In fact, very often they are nowhere near over their ex. Sometimes they don’t even fully realize it till they are with someone new.
If you want a committed long term relationship, and will be upset or feel used after having sex with a guy, you don’t have sex until you are IN a committed relationship. Guys believe your actions. If you say you don’t have casual sex, but sleep with them before you have both agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, a guy just thinks you are full of hot air. Why? Because you stated your boundary but didn’t keep it. That is a surefire way to show you don’t respect yourself, and they won’t respect you either.
He has every right to keep things at whatever pace he wants and get to know you. He has no obligation to commit to you, now or ever. The same rules apply to you. Dating is simply to get to know someone, and see if you BOTH like each other enough to continue. Most often, one party is more invested than the other, and it doesn’t move forward.
This guy is telling you your behaviors are keeping him at arms length. And yes, you are also entitled to how you feel.
But here is the KEY: when you honestly express in a calm way (at the very beginning of meeting someone new) what you are seeking from dating (ie: casual fun,or companionship, or a serious committed exclusive relationship) with someone who is seeking the same thing. IF a guy says he wants what you want, great, watch his actions and see if it’s a fit. If not, move on right away.
If he says one thing, but consistently does another, again, move on and forget him.No one has to tolerate a time waster or less than they want.
You verbally vomited all over this guy. You shared way too much, way too soon, and reamed him out.
You would have been wiser to get to know him without sleeping with him, to see his true intentions and feelings. So you need to own that decision and the consequences.
Now you are upset, insecure, and unhappy. I don’t think this has anywhere else to go.
Take it as a learned lesson, wish him well, and use your new understanding of men and relationships for the next person
In the meantime, I would suggest you work on being happily single and doing things you love. You still need to heal from your last relationship, so go do that and take care of yourself.
You can’t be happy as a couple, until you are happy and confident by yourself.
Vanessa
Desperate, Girl bye none of that i just didn’t want my time wasted by him…
That isn’t fair why is this all on me for sleeping with him if he wanted to go at a slow pace then DON’T SLEEP WITH ME especially since your still in contact with a ex at a least i don’t even talk to mine anymore then turn around say i rather just be cool with you no f*** you man how in the world can that happen you dummy. Then wonder why i’m blowing up on you because i feel used i may be carry a little baggage from past relationship but im decent enough to know if i’m still involved with my ex then to not have sex with another girl. Why in the world would i do that it’s just going to cause her feeling to go crazy make the situation every guy out there knows that…
I didn’t mind going slow but he made seem we we’re heading somewhere that’s the only reason i did sleep with him he is so full of s***.
I understand what all of you are saying..
Twinkle
Men will do anything to have sex without any strings attached, if they get away with it then it’s your fault for letting things happen without properly knowing who you are dealing with ant not being exclusive (holding your ground). He did not force himself on you. Take some responsibility on your part. Learn from it and apply it to the next person you meet.
Some men lie just to have sex, or act a certain way so a woman can become comfortable so they can have sex. Next time, wait to have sex.
Vanessa
Learn from it and apply it i agree with that why would i take responsibility i was the one that was tricked and lied to it’s my fault for not properly wtf im sorry that’s bull****. Its his responsibility to let it be known what your doing men this men that crazy you don’t do that period you don’t sleep with someone just to do it’s different if the chick didn’t care and the guy knows it she doesn’t care. But you know already what up that’s like sleeping with someone without telling them you have STD…..
Romy
I would swallow a chill pill, apologize for being so crazy and wait for him to come to me. If he doesn’t move on! He will unless he’ still have feelings for his ex, he seems to be the insisting type
Marie
No wonder he does not want a relationship with you. You sound very bitter and vindictive.One thing I have learned, is you can’t force commitment from a man
And by the way, most men will have sex with you especially when they see you are also up to having sex with them. do not blame this on him but, take responsibility for your part in this.
I do understand that sometimes we read their intentions wrong, especially when we want more but, like other posters have suggested work on yourself so next time you won’t make the same mistakes.
Vanessa
Marie
I wasn’t trying to force commitment get off my back about that because your wrong, Guys do have sex with a woman if there up for it. I’m saying he already knew what was up he knew something was brewing between us he knew and acted like he was trying to start something with me. He knew he was still involved with his ex if he knew all of this he shouldn’t have slept with me he should of asked to take it slower instead causing all this confusion.
Peggy
You ask for advice and then you dismiss and won’t listen. Unless you did not tell us more details of something he did that was so bad,I do not get what your problem is. Please look at your culpability here or you will constantly find that your dating/relationships are a dramatic mess and you will be the common thread.
Vanessa
I didn’t dismiss all the advice that was giving to me i’m dismissing the parts i don’t agree with most of you on here are saying it’s my fault for having sex with a guy i thought i knew was heading somewhere. Im saying it is not my fault in fact it isn’t any woman fault on here going through a similar situation to mine. He knew all this info that was going on between us he knew he was still involved with a ex he should have been asked me to take it slower instead waiting until all hell break loose to do so..
If i disagree with anyone else i would have brought it up i even said i understand what everyone is saying…
kaye
Did he at any time tell you the two of you were exclusive? Why were you not invited to his birthday party and she was? Do you have any proof he actually cheated on you?
Because seriously you kept asking this guy where you were going when it had been less than 2 months and he told you he “wasn’t sure yet.” So you start accusing him of using you for comfort and as a booty call and caused a huge fight where he didn’t talk to you for 6 days. Then you think because you watch a movie, ate some cake together and had sex again that he’s committing to you?
He might have been trying to start something with you but you flashed your crazy card way too early and now he’s backing off. I’m not sure how you’re getting to thinking he tricked you and he lied to you and he shouldn’t have slept with you knowing that you cared.
It seems to me you want to take no responsibility for your actions. You acted crazy and needy and insecure and got nervous and anxious and pushed this guy away!! Now you want to make it out like it’s all him.
He showed some serious patience here and even told you to call him when you calmed down. Personally as a guy I wouldn’t have put up with your verbal vomit at me like that and most guys would have shut down. So the fact he picked up the phone and called you the next day and texted back wanting to know what your favor was and you were rude to him with the “any more questions” crap I would have been done with you!!! You pushed this guy too far and now you want us all to buy in that he’s the bad guy. Sorry but I’m not buying it!!
Peggy
Hi-Just one more comment. Do not have sex until either A: you know where things are going because he has told you and you are fully aware of his intentions or B: Just decide that you like him,are attracted to him and have sex knowing that you have made this decision and give yourself freely without expectations and will handle it if things do not work out. Only you can control your mind and body.
Vanessa
NO, Female, he shouldn’t have gotten involved with me he shouldn’t have slept with me he shouldn’t even kept going with me hanging out with me going out on dates. None of that should of happen. This from the beginning wasn’t heading anywhere how in the hell can he start anything with me when his ex is still in the picture doesn’t matter a month two months four,five six, a year later wouldn’t have matter. He is still F up in the head then come off to me as if everything is cool and it’s all good to get involved with him. I would be still confused on whats going with him if i hadn’t snooped thinking to myself “Well why is he hanging out with me going on dates, doing this for me that or me, sleeping with me and still guarded acting werid..
This isn’t about the commitment this is about him not being honest from the beginning that he wasn’t ready i didn’t know about the picture until couple days after the hanging out with him eating cake. That’s why i’m upset this from the beginning wasn’t going anywhere how in the world could it if ex is still there and child is there, no way in hell he should took responsibility told me from the start what his situation is..
Thanks for the advice anyway.
marie
Wow Venessa,take it down a notch!!you come across way too angry and you have only known this guy for two months and gone on 12 dates. May be he sees your sense of entitlement to have him,and wants none of it. Don’t be so revengeful and bitter You came here looking for advice but you are lashing out on us because we are not saying what you want to hear. I get it, you want more but you have to learn to walk away with your dignity instead of shaming and blaming him to be with you. I would also be afraid to have a relationship with someone who behaves this way
peggy
Thanks Marie-We are all trying to help and understand with pretty solid advice-(18 people with essentially the same opinion) but it is not what she is ready to hear.
redcurleysue
Hi,
I know you are upset and feel he set you up. You feel he knew he was not over his ex and still came on to you like it was ok when it was not ok.
I have a couple of important questions to ask you. Did he tell you he loves you? Did he talk about a future with you? Did he ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend? Did you think that sex meant something emotional to him?
To protect yourself in the future I would do a couple of things. First, I would not sleep with a man until he is “all in”….what I mean by that is that he tells you he loves you and wants a future with you. While this is not a guarantee things will work for you it puts you and him on the same page.
Second, I would slow the relationship down. A few months is not enough time to really get to know a man and what he is all about….if I were you I would aim more for the six month mark to evaluate a man and if you like what you see over time before getting too emotionally involved.
Please remember, a man speaks through actions….they all can say pretty words but what he does is the real truth.
I am sorry this all happened to you….slow everything down and make sure the man really cares about you….it will help.
Vanessa
OMG it’s like you none of you just read what i wrote that is frustrating cause it’s like none well most of you aren’t listening. Making it seem i’m like a crazy person when he is half to blame here most of the reason all this confusion happen is because of him. Your asking why i’m getting so upset because it like most of you are just looking at me lashing out to him taking that as crazy and blaming it all on me when it’s not only me at fault then saying i need to walk away with my dignity when i haven’t talked to him in a while now.
I don’t care if i only known him for two months i wouldn’t even want two months of my time wasted over dishonesty would you. I bet not would you want your emotions played like that no if his situation was that complicated don’t hide it or at least be clear that this is just a casual thing something. I’m not revengeful i haven’t said or done a god damn to him since bitter i just don’t want to be lied to. I wasn’t trying to shame him into being with me i got tired of being confused over something hidden for so long something that he purposefully hidden. Matter of fact why should i feel bad about stating to him that i wasn’t into doing this any longer.
I don’t see where he was considerate of my feelings or nice guy at all i also feel like he knows i’m right about his intentions with me i believe he know i’m right about everything. Cause i mean like all of you said why would he stay around if i was being soo crazy any guy would of been left if they felt i was being ridiculous and over the top right so why didn’t he??
Vanessa
Oh my goodness THANK YOU RedCurlySue someone that finally understand what i’m talikng about
Rose
How can I make my own topic? Whenever I try to post it says “forum can’t be found”
Vanessa
I don’t appreciate be blamed for this whole thing happening because i slept with him I don’t appreciate being told i shamed him with the truth when he was wrong to begin with. I didn’t expect commitment so soon from him. But i thought i should deserve for him to tell me a straight answer if this is just a casual thing say that or if your still trying to get your head clear say that give the person a heads up he wasn’t giving me that…
That’s all i’m saying
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