Should I risk reaching out to him

I haven’t read all of the comments yet but some of your responses and what I’m reading is this: yes, you were hurt. He could have taken better care of your heart. And I’m also reading that you are not taking responsibility for your own heart and taking care of yourself and having boundaries. This is a difficult lesson to learn and it hurts so much… we can’t expect other people to protect us. He had sex with you because you were willing and men like sex and he liked you well enough to be dating you. It’s only natural for a man to pursue sex with a woman he likes. If you need a commitment, it’s up to you to set that boundary and stick to it. Telling him you need to be in a relationship if you’re going to have sex, and then having sex with him even though you’re not in a real relationship, that is on you. Was it a little irresponsible of him? Sure. But it wasn’t his job to be responsible for your wellbeing. It was yours.

It’s a painful lesson many of us have had to learn the hard way.

I agree with M. Very well said…

I thought i could handle it without losing my head sleeping with him, at first I was handling it fine when i wasn’t seeing him that much once maybe twice per week. I was fine with that because i was able to give myself time to get out of fantasy land and back to reality. Then he started to ask to see me a little more it wasn’t the sex so much it was more of him trying to get close to me wanting me to open up to him a little more trust him i guess. I started to but still reluctant because he was still kind of guarded even though he made a little progress too i didn’t like the fact he was trying to get me to open up and broke down a little of my walls to him then throw a bomb on me by saying “He wasn’t sure yet” or just the feeling of knowing he still isn’t there yet like with certain things he did. Little things like me sending a kissing face emoji after 3 date i didn’t get the same back i got a smiley face and a heart. I just found that really unfair then seeing those pictures made me feel even worse like this was some sort of game to him or something. Then after that argument i posted here i didn’t understand why he wanted to continue being cool with me like him calling me the next day or making sure i didn’t need any help after i asked him for a favor when it was kind of clear that it was over and wasn’t going anywhere. That pissed me off the fact that he was still here why didn’t he back off and still acting like he cares like he wants something with me. Even though its like you just want to keep me around for your comfort like I said to him before the kissing,hugging,talking,sex,whatever hanging out i didn’t see the point anymore. I felt like he was still trying to use me even after i said and made it clear with anger and words in the heat of that argument that i’m not your play toy so don’t ask me to be one anymore. I’m still trying to understand i guess….

I’m not saying that i don’t agree with you M or that your wrong i’m just still confused I don’t understand what he wants from me and i don’t see the point in continuing walking blind with him. Unless it was back under my terms like before only seeing each other once maybe twice but no sex this time.

Really Thanks for the advice everyone..

Hi Vanessa-this advice and posting seems to go on and on.. There is an excellent book on defining who you are and what you need in relationships and what types of men are poor bets and how to tell the difference. It is “Are you the one for me?” by Barbra De Angelis. There are exercises you can do to get clear on things.
I think you are not ready to be dating right now. Take the time to read this book or get counseling and figure things out. You seem to have walls and unrealistic/immature ideas about relationships. Do not use sex as a weapon or bargaining chip. I feel this forum/responses have given you a different perspective than you expected and lots to think about. People may have sounded harsh but they really are trying to help/get through to you. In the end,as I said before-only you can control your mind/emotions and body.

We have all seen men and women go back to exes time and time again after they acted ‘crazy’ or offensive to them. It takes time and experiences to create that draw to another person, strong enough to forgive and forget past transgressions, big or small. When human connections are strong, behaviors bordering on minutia (from verbose texts to sleeping together) don’t really matter. If u see another person as potential you will keep coming back for more. Neither of you did anything wrong per se. You were both being true to yourselves. Will these two ‘selves’ eventually mesh? Maybe-maybe not. Only time will tell. All you can do is be yourself and go live your life. You are not playing a game to get him back, you are focusing on you – and will naturally pull the right people towards you. Don’t reach out, wait. Let him lead because only then will you know his true intentions. But please try to scale down your anger so you can put out positive vibes and then wait and see who shows up!

Hey Newbie

Umm well he called me yesterday after no contact for 5 days we had a pleasant conversation asked how was I doing. We didn’t talk about anything that happen he never brought it up so I didn’t either. That’s about it I dont know if that’s a good sign or if I should do something about it??

I think talking to him is pointless until you address whether you two are exclusive or he is still seeing the ex girlfriend. That is what is making you drive the crazy train and until you resolve whether or not he’s still seeing her or whether he wants to only see you, then what’s the point in continuing to be in contact with him? And if he still gives you this “I’m not sure yet” line then that’s your answer. Move on.

Yes I know he told you that because it’s early on but have you ever addressed the pictures of the ex and her child at his birthday party with him?

Vanessa, if you and you and him are in good terms now…I really don’t think you should mention the picture until you both are at a good place. I think if he asked you out and you asked about the picture, it would just show him that you are still the same “angry” person you were before. You need to show him that you are a good catch! Don’t dwell on the past if he is really trying to make the effort. My advice is to just play it out for a bit and see if anything has changed. IF nothing has changed, then I would say cut him loose!

But that’s not the point why is he still here??

Hi Vanessa,

I’ve had a quick skim over everything and to answer your most recent question – I think he still likes you and that’s why he’s in touch.

You felt he deliberately lead you on from the start, but what I got from it was that he liked you and just genuinely wanted to see how things went. I don’t think there was malice from him. You clearly got angry, and communication seemed very aggressive from your end, so I think he backed off for a while to let you calm down.

The best advice I can give you now is: start afresh. In your mind, just breathe and let whatever may happen now happen. Don’t push, don’t ask what is going on, just let it happen. Trust me, life gets much less stressful.

If you just go into this again maintaining a sense of ‘let’s see’ you’ll actually get to know him. Try not to invest too much and be prepared to walk awayou, but have fun with it.

Hi everyone I’m here to let you guys know how it went down after taking your advice. Well I decided to walk away because the situation was becoming too messy with too much drama. Before you say anything the drama wasn’t because of me his ex is still is in the picture. Here’s the whole run down fr where we lefted off he was still in contact with me. After everything that happen I didn’t know why but he was except it slowed way down. Calling me every 5 days or so its because she enter into the picture they started spending time with each other again and yes having sex. So he said like you guys know at first he was trying with me but once he realized he had mixed feelings he kept his distance because he didnt want to hurt me. As you know the reasons for them breaking up was because she left him for another man.
Here’s text messages basically sums up everything..

He called me I didn’t anwser but text him telling him this which was couple days after the advice was given to me here and knowing about those pictures..

Me: I don’t want to keep in contact I would like you to stop calling please.

Him: Why’s that?
No reason I guess

Me: Cause there’s no point anymore look I dont wanna argue. You know I like you and you also know what I want. You can’t give that to me its fine and simple I get it there’s no problem.

Him: Okay yeah but what made you come to this point where you don’t even want to talk to me?

Me: If you dont understand what I’m trying to say by now. Then dont worry about it.

One day later I get this text from him..

Him: I know what you want but I’m too damaged to give it to you, I understand I’m stringing you along but honestly I like being around you. You make me feel better.

Me: Great, I’m a f***king comfort pillow the exact thing I didn’t wanna be. You could of been honest about how f**k up your situation was like mentioning your ex is still in your life or even better you adopted. Congratulations, leave me alone right now I’m not in the right mind frame to talk cause if I do you will get cursed out.

Him: No I never adopted and she must have reached out to you for you to think that. You’re Def not a comfort pillow, thought you were a good friend but guess you want more which is understandable

Me: You still weren’t honest all you had to say you didn’t want anything with me and this is just casual. I am a damn comfort pillow look at your own words I make you feel better since your damaged. So stop texting I had a long day I’m tired your not helping leave me alone right now.

Him: Okay sorry you feel that way

Me: I dont want a sorry I want you to leave me alone.

Him: Bye

Later on that night around 10:30pm I get a call from him. He sounds hurt minded of teared eyed saying that he needs me right now. I was trying to comfort him and ask him what happen today. He wanted me to come over and talk to me about what was on his mind but I told him no. Just told him to tell me over the phone guys omg he is really messed up and hurting over this it almost made me cry. Because I know exactly how he feeling I think deep down he cares and loves her and that little boy so much guys omg he met her when she was still pregnant was there when she gave birth to that child and that little boy see him as his father. But he knows he can’t trust her they keep fighting back and forth its like holding on to something you dont want to let go off. That’s exactly how I felt with my ex but anyway they we’re spending time together she was hoping for rekindle for both of them I dont know what he expected. But I think she started to feel insecure when he told her about me.

Here some more text message between me and him..

Me: Oh and another thing yeah your right you we’re stringing me along. With false hope that something might come out of this. When it was never the case I thought you not being sure yet was you being cautious. But now I see its because you still trying to work your love life out with your ex. Or whatever doesn’t matter she still there you cant give me anything but friendship. And You knew that the whole damn time. I’m done talking now I just had to say that…

Him: If that was the case why did I tell her about you? Obviously I cared enough to mention your name to her, I really didn’t think me and her would be talking at all but once I knew I had mixed feelings I tried not to hurt you so I kept my distance. I never knew for sure what I was doing but I wanted to try with you but then I just wanted friendship even b4 she was back in the picture. You know what I’m sorry but you got some things going on yourself and now that I do too I’ll just leave you alone as you wish. I really am happy for you tho and I’ll be here if you ever need me. Bye

Me: My ex yes is trying to get back with me too your right and its confusing but I’m not allowing it to happen. That’s the difference between you and me.
Fine, Bye.

Me: I’ll listening ear to your problems if you want but that’s it since its obvious your not gonna erase yourself from my life. Dont ever disrespect me like you did ever again asking me to come over for a a** call. Drill it in your damn head I’m not your play toy get it and understand it. I hope everything goes well for you…

Him: I definitely made that clear that I didn’t want you over here for that

Later on that day I would say about noon I get a call from her she got my number from out of his phone. So apprently he did tell her about me but he also told her we weren’t serious just friends he also told her details about me and my life and also stuck up for me when she first found out about me.She explained that she wanted to tell me the truth she said he felt he wasnt being honest with me. She also was telling me about there history and also trying to get more info about how long we we’re spending time together. She became upset she asked how many time have we slept together and when I told her she explained that it cosided with time he spent with her. He slept with both of us basically then she started sticking up for him. Saying he wasn’t a bad guy I really hurt him and suggested we meet up for closure with each other. I said no I dont want to see him and I dont need closure. That was it on the phone with her. Next I get a text from him saying..

Him: I apologize for that, understanding if you don’t want me to contact you anymore

Me: F*ck you

Him: Really smh You can believe what you want but just know she would say anything to push you away

Me: Lol push me away you did that not her…

Oh god just disappear

Him: You right, I’m hurting you and I don’t want that

Me: Wtf you dont want that for me to get hurt????
You son of a bit*ch you knew the whole time you were trying yo work it out with her. Ugh god your no different from ex selfish as ever…

Him: No I didn’t know the whole time, I gave in to trying to talk to you but then I changed my mind. I told you how I felt maybe not right away but in time

Me: Lol she said you reached out to her…
You know what dont worry about it I’m fine I hope you guys work out.

That was it I’m little hurt because i was still having a little hope that something may happen. I kind of had it coming but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He gonna get in contact with me again I can feel it but I dont understand why though. I’m walking away and moving on from this drama that isn’t even about me.

Oh my goodness sweet girl!! You don’t need this drama and BS in your life. He’s exactly right that he’s damaged and he’s using you to make him feel better while he tries to figure things out with the ex. Don’t allow him to treat you like this and don’t put up with his ex calling you. Tell him it’s over and never to contact you again and IGNORE or BLOCK him!! Find a man who is n’t confused about his feelings for you!