Would the dumper feel regret about the relationship if it was only 3 months?


Home Forums Break Up Advice Would the dumper feel regret about the relationship if it was only 3 months?

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  • #811037 Reply
    Jina

    Disclaimer: I don’t want him back. I just want to know the chances of him feeling regret for walking away from a good person, that he wasn’t necessarily in love with yet but left because of his commitment issues. Can a person who didn’t love you yet, who was experiencing ‘grass is greener syndrome’, feel like they might have made a mistake in leaving you before the relationship even had time to develop?

    Feel free to answer the question with or without reading the context.

    Context:

    My ex (23M) broke up with me (25F) 3 days ago. Our relationship moved very quickly in the beginning. Reason being that we both had very similar values, worldviews as well as a strong attraction for each other. Also, we started off online, and it was long distance (by 3 hours of car travel between cities). So we jumped into a relationship because of the amount of money and energy expenditure it would take to be together (intuitively it was like: ‘I’m not gonna spend all that time, money, and energy just to see a person I’m dating casually).

    The first 6 weeks were bliss. We saw each other every 2nd weekend and talked almost every day. In all that time we had a profound intellectual connection, good sexual chemistry, and also had somewhat of a ‘child-like’ playful dynamic between us. He introduced me to his friends and I introduced him to mine. All in all, things seemed perfect.

    Then his exams came around. He’s a medical student, so I knew this period was gonna be difficult and overwhelming for him. I gave him a lot of space, words of encouragement, and took this time to also focus on my own work, friends, and interests. Over the phone, his affection and gratitude for me didn’t seem to reduce at all. To my surprise, the same frequency of messaging and calling that we had before, was taking place despite his exams. So as far as I was concerned, things were still going well.

    When his exams ended, he visited me (after a 3 week period of us not visiting). And although we still had good times, there was a definite shift in tone at times. I could feel that the honeymoon period had worn off a bit, that s**t was getting real (because we had our first and in my opinion, premature, ‘serious relationship’ conversation surrounding the future – fact that I might have to leave the country next year, etc.) It seemed as though what I considered normal relationship talk, he considered as a negative energy/difficult conflict. But then we went on as usual and had a good time.

    The week right after that, I visited his city. Once again, the first part of that weekend was really fun and great. But, then, on the last day… conversations about past relationships came up. He asked me about my exes, how many there were, whether I was still in touch with any of them, and vice versa. The conversation was very upsetting for him. But he couldn’t tell me why and I couldn’t understand why (His past was practically the same, if not more eventful, and neither of us was in contact with our exes). He tried to hide being upset and said everything was okay; that he was just being insecure. And then when I traveled back to my city, he called me saying sorry for making me feel bad and that he hated hurting me.

    In the 2 weeks that followed, things were super blissful and sweet over the phone again. I visited him again, and nothing felt weird or wrong or anything.

    Until the week after… I got a call from my friend, telling me that she saw him on a dating app. I called him and asked him about it calmly (without telling him I was certain of the information and also without making accusations). He immediately admitted to it, saying that in all honesty, he did go on that app again to check things out for 5 minutes. But that he didn’t chat with anyone or open it again. He said he felt really sorry that I had to see that. I told him that I wanted to trust him, but that I would need a few days to myself to process in order to see if I could do that. He respected my need for space, and then when I re-initiated contact, he remained attentive (yet cautious of acting entitled to my affections) for some days. A few days later he called me…

    In this phone call, he would tell me how difficult the week was, how guilty he felt for what he did, and what I saw. And he asked me why I was willing to forgive him so easily? To this, I asked “Well, if what you said is true, that you were just dicking around on the app. Then it’s easier to forgive.” He then said that it wasn’t fair to me. To which I responded, “Well clearly you are feeling bad about something. Is there something lacking in this relationship for you? Is that why you went on the app in the first place?” To which he responded, “I think your feelings for me are stronger than mine is for you right now.” To which I said, “I know. I noticed it.” He then started crying, saying that our relationship moved too fast and that I deserved better than him. I was silent. Telling him, I could accept that my feelings were stronger for him and take a step back if he needed it. That I preferred him to go and figure out if he could be that person for me. But that if he was already convinced he could never have stronger feelings or that if something more sordid was going on (in my mind cheating) that he was right. And that that would warrant a break-up. He continued to cry and call himself a bad person. I remained emotionless, telling him that he wasn’t crying for me but for himself, to make himself feel better about this. He kept telling me that he had been dishonest with himself throughout our relationship that he was too selfish at this point in his life right now. That he respected me as a person, that my being was so precious, that he didn’t want to steal my chance at finding someone who could really love me in the future.

    Don’t get me wrong, I know I deserve better. I know I should move on and I intend to.

    But I can’t help but wonder whether he might think he made a mistake and walked away from something that could have been so good.

    Because as far as I’m concerned, he broke up with me because of a future assumption of his capacity to love (as a friking 23-year-old guy) and also assumed that I am more hurt by his lack of reciprocated feelings than I actually am. I didn’t care that I was more ready and my feelings had grown (at this point at least), I was still having a good time with him…

    #811125 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    The 3-4 month mark of dating is a really important time because it’s frequently the time when a guy decides whether he feels strongly enough about a woman to pursue a deeper relationship with her. The initial honeymoon buzz has started to wear off at that point, and the guy starts thinking seriously about whether he sees a future with this woman. If you read this site at all you’ll find lots of posts from women who’ve been dating a guy several months, and everything was perfect up until now, but then suddenly there’s a problem….the guy breaks up with them, or is distancing himself, or something along those lines. It’s because the guy is realizing he does not want to pursue a more serious relationship with the woman, for whatever reason.

    This guy just wasn’t feeling it. He told you himself, your feelings for him were stronger than his feelings for you. He was on a dating app looking for other women; a guy who was falling in love with you wouldn’t do that. Honestly he sounds like a decent guy, and it sounds like he felt bad about hurting you; but it seems like he just wasn’t feeling strongly enough about you to want to continue. I don’t think it was a “grass is greener” situation necessarily. It just wasn’t meant to be and things ran their course after 3 months, as often happens in dating. Most people you date will not work out, to be honest, and you won’t get into a serious long-term relationship with them; unfortunately that’s just how it is.

    Long distance relationships are also a lot of work, and he must have not felt strongly enough about you to want to continue. A guy is not going to bond with you over phone calls, he needs to see you in person and experience things together with you to bond with you. I’m not talking just sex, I mean, he needs to have fun dates, conversations, interactions etc with you in order to feel bonded with you. Talking over the phone doesn’t cut it for a guy. Women bond through talking, but men don’t.

    To answer your question, no, I’m not sure he will feel regret. Of course, none of us can answer the question with any certainty. But you want us to tell you he’ll feel regret at walking away from something “so good”. Here’s the thing, YOU thought it was “so good” but he obviously didn’t feel the same (not to be hurtful). He just wasn’t feeling the same about you as you did about him. He was already checking out other women on dating apps, so he’ll probably date other women and move on. I hope you do the same!

    #811491 Reply
    Anderson

    Post-breakup nearly everyone has feelings of regret. At the least stemming from the emotional recoil of the breakup. Or if he has a fragile ego, then self-doubt and regret created by you not chasing him nor getting hit hard by the breakup in spite of having stronger feelings.

    Whether he’ll think he made a mistake though? I doubt it. At ~22 myself I didn’t even have a mind developed enough to realize such mistakes, or who or what could have been so good. Consider this that I was raised to want a serious/lifelong relationship, and wanting it myself too. Yet it wasn’t until 27 when my mind was finally ready to be with someone without being distracted by all the many options and whether I could do better. And I highly doubt that could’ve happened had I stayed with just one person. The growth and realization of my standards and expectations came from meeting, knowing and parting from several people.

    He’ll think of you in the future sure. Maybe in time even look back and appreciate your qualities. Maybe regret that the timing wasn’t right. But if he’s anything like I was, and there are a few similarities, he’ll know that ending it was the right call because he simply wasn’t ready in various ways at that point of his life.

    #812228 Reply
    Lane

    The fast answer is NO. The dumper is in an opposing mental state that you are in. When we dump, either male or female, its because we have no desire to continue regardless of who or what kind of person they are, there’s something *missing* that we may not always be able to put a finger on; we just know they aren’t “the one.”. Your greatness is immaterial when looking for a mate/partner/spouse. Their are tangible and intangible elements at play.
    You could be an awesome person and even a great partner, on paper (check a lot of boxes) BUT there’s something *missing* that just doesn’t allow you to move forward.

    Sorry it sounds harsh but that’s the way the dumper feels when they dump. I have met or been with some really great guys but there was something *missing* that just wouldn’t allow me to go that extra step with them. It has nothing to do with you, its just that when you know there’s a missing ingredient, you have no desire to continue with someone you can’t ‘bake the cake’ (go all in) with so to speak.

    #812288 Reply
    Newbie

    I completely second all that has been said. I just like to add two things: you dont mind your feelings for him were stronger but guys do mind that. Especially in the early stages of dating. The ones that will go for you, will try to win you over every single day. And second, dont be the too nice girl. You gave a guy space because he was so busy with exams and stressed. Dont be so supporting unless a guy is your bf. Your job is not to support every nice guy but to find a guy that matches your desires. Beware of those tendencies. Besides the fact that they dont serve your goals, they also turn off guys. They will wonder things like: she really must not have many options if she goes fuss all over me. And Yeah guys brains can really be that simple. They look for the most desired, most confident women so they dont have to worry the girl will become clingy

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