Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Women from Venus, Men from Mars
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Lane.
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Kalina
Hey, really enjoy discussions on this forum so based on last night’s experience would like to open up a discussion about women and men and casual sex.
Met a guy last night at a bar. He came to our table and started talking to my friends. Soon, we were discussing all of us and drinking together. At some point me and him came closer and kissed. We spent the night together walking, drinking beer and talking. When it was already morning, I invited him over to my place and we had sex. He kept staring at my eyes during the whole time and kept saying “you’re perfect”. While cuddling he said “you’re so amazing, I’m glad I met you tonight”. He then said my eyes are beautiful and full of emotions. At some point I politely ask him to go home since I wanted to sleep. He then texted me via sms just to confirm my phone num is valid, I replied hey, this is my num indeed. Now, I’m not deluded this was a typical hook up (even better one night stand thing). No point to even text each other after that but since he implied that I’m playing games because my battery went off and couldn’t add him on social media but gave my num and asked me how would I know it’s your num for real, I confirmed it and left it there. He can delete it, keep it just in case for another round or hook up some time or let it be.
While we were together, he mentioned seeing each other the coming days but his friend said men do this all the time with girls (show or pretend to have interest to get sex but women then get emotionally attached so that sort of sets the tone).
Now I agreed with him but don’t blame us cause we are wired to bond or connect with the guy after sex. It happened to me so many times and I figured the only way to enjoy casual sex is to let go of this limiting belief that there’ll be something more just because a guy got horny and said a bunch of nice things he didn’t mean. In my case, he was a sweet guy and pretty decent for a hook up. The fact that he didn’t wanna see me again doesn’t make him a bad guy or player. He was honest with me and I was with him that we fancy each other to sleep together but that’s all.
And yes, we read the same books and had conversations for hours about Marcus Aurelius and meditations and he discovered a new book from my collection he wants to read. Frankly, one of my sweetest hook ups and why would I destroy this memory by obsessing or fixating on a random guy with whom I happen to have common interests.
And yes we were both carried in the moment and he said few things like “I love you” but cmon, it’s up to us women to put our judgement and assess level of interest. I don’t doubt he might had “pure intentions” (most unlikely) but I started believing guys got used to play this game to get laid. And I told him, I find you hot and attractive, lets go at my place and got him by the hands. He followed my lead and reciprocated but I only did that cause I sensed he wanted sex also.
Interesting questions: why men feel the need to overwhelm women with compliments and white lies even though its clear that the girl fancies you and makes it obvious she’s having sex with you.
Is his friend right? And if so, does this justify guys going around fooling women to get laid? Don’t get me wrong, these are particular guys who tend to be players (like my situation). This guy probably tested this with lots of women and found out it works. For me, it was something laughable because although he approached me, I took him in the toilet first to make out (I always use protection and never do things I don’t feel comfortable with)
P. S he was only here for vacations, he’s living in another country and has a flight in few days. Rational mind knows the answer, it was a one night thing just sex. I am unlucky cause we seemed to be getting along but in life, we have to be realistic and face things as they are. Frankly, this is what ultimately makes us come alive. We are not slaves to our brains, and it took me few heartbreaks and disappointments to finally let go and open up my mind to possibilities and people with zero expectations, just to live at the moment and then go on about my life after that. This is only a contribution to help other girls too as I’ve been reading a lot of threads with women asking why men don’t text back after sex (which shows expectations and that’s the root cause).
Kalina
Just a correction ** don’t mean the guy I met is a player but he used some of tricks or techniques lots of guys who are perceived as players use. I once heard someone say, in this world we do a lot of chasing but none of communicating. Meaning, will be much simpler if we were honest with each other as humans than playing some chase game. I get it, some people including myself like the thrill of chase but there are others who are looking for connection and it’s not ethical to sense that and use it to get sex. So what his friend said didn’t resonate well with me. The fact that they are deliberately trying to manipulate girls to sleep with them. It’s indeed a big discussion and from sociological perspective would love to analyze further.
Maddie
I think if it’s not malicious (intent to be a player and mislead someone just for sex), then it’s often because the men themselves want to get lost in the fantasy component even if they can’t or won’t choose to actually emotionally bond. Sex with no emotional connection at all tends to not feel as good as sex with one, so if the guy can lose himself in a fantasy version of one to make the experience feel better, then why not? Otherwise, why choose a hookup over paying for 100% no other strings attached sex? There’s also some people with trauma who really do believe everything they say in the moment but can’t follow through at all who can act like that… seeking connection but then running away when they find it. Also not intentionally malicious, but same outcome.
Malicious intent, in my opinion, is more like having no respect for women and just trying to bed them and get them attached to get sex and as an ego power play, or as you said, thrill of the chase for someone you know isn’t down with casual and believes they’re getting involved in something different directly because of a misleading man.
I do agree with you that it’s up to the woman to know what she’s looking for (casual or not) and take the time to observe who the guy really is before falling for some players rulebook bs. Not because it’s okay for men to mislead them, but because the reality of the situation is sometimes some men will be crappy and do it anyway and who can protect you from being carried away by bad situations besides yourself?
I also think everything I just said can actually go for either gender and any kind of pairing, even though it’s more common to find a man as the aggressor for a casual situation with a woman perhaps wanting more.
Kalina
Indeed, very interesting points you’re raising here. Thank you for your contribution, haven’t thought of it this way. It seems to be a rather complex topic taken from this perspective and multi dimensional as there are always factors and denominators influencing each situation. And of course, every individual is different. I try to lead with compassion and not take things personally in the last years, as it is true that if someone didn’t have any malicious intentions then no point to consider that someone would deliberately harm or hurt you especially a stranger you just met. More like we are navigating through life gathering experiences and figuring still ourselves what we attract and like. It is exciting when first meeting someone and no amount of disappoint can take away the thrill of meeting people, being able to be healthy alive and socialize. Even falling in love is better than feeling nothing at all or putting up walls. It’s common to compliment each other and make the person feel good so it builds up attraction and tension leading to sexual release (in terms of hook ups). I despise mind games and manipulators but I keep the faith that there are good people out there who never intended to hurt anyone. And human relationships don’t come with a guide kit or how to survive. We need a lot of personal work and growth to not define ourselves through others but every day to validate and love ourselves so we reflect that and be source of light and positivity even though we are putting ourselves out there and looking for the unknown. Tendency is more for guys from my experience but I’ve seen women who act in similar ways or trying to take advantage of the guy, offering sex for personal gain (I had friends living off a guy whom they didn’t like just because they couldn’t handle being independent and financially stable).
Lane
You are trying to compete with biology, and will lose that game if you don’t understand your opponent.
Yes, its male v. female. Men want to conquer women for sex, and women want to conquer a man’s heart. If the man gets the sex he wins, if the women captures his heart, she wins. It rally is that simple! Now I know there are those RARE instances when you can have sex on night one, and he commits to her but it represents such a tiny number of long-term couples who have, that its not worth making that bet on.
Believe it or not but majority of men are not “players” which is a major misconception women have about men. True ‘players’ have a deep seeded hatred of women, and have meaningless sex while getting them hooked is how they ‘pay them back’ so to speak. Most of the guys your meeting or referring to know that most woman are suckers, will sop up all the flowery words just so they cab get laid. They don’t hate women, they just LOVE having SEX but will eventually ‘meet the one’ when they meet her. Men aren’t dumb, they know what to say to get inside a VG, and it works on you, just as it does on the countless women who come here complaining about the same thing.
All you need to know is that men bond OUTSIDE of the sheets, not in them. If they aren’t bonding to you non-sexually, and trying to get YOU into a relationship, they are blowing smoke up your you know what.
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