Why is he ignoring me but looks at my snapchat stories?


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  • #375669 Reply
    Tessa

    Hi y’all,

    I started casual hooking up with someone roughly three months ago. It went straight into sleepovers & fun sex. We got to know each other quite well and I have grown quite fond of him. He sends very mixed signals and prefers to cuddle over have sex. We have never had a proper date. It’s still nice but he has said a few times he is just happy with casual as girlfriends are hard work.

    I messaged him the day after (last Thursday) to say I had a nice time. I have not heard from him since. For some strange reason he tends to contact me through snapchat. I tried sending a few cutsie videos to no avail. It’s now been almost a week and I have stopped contacting him at all.

    He keeps watching my snapchat stories which just seems super strange because it’s only showing me he isn’t busy if he can do that but ignore me! I am also friends with his housemate who has still been contacting me like everything is super cool and normal still.
    Would love to hear what you think? Is he just a game player?

    #375671 Reply
    Harley

    Yep. …I’d say game player. you will next hear from him when he wants a hook up. .save yourself time and heartache and move on to a guy who wants to date you.

    #375672 Reply
    Tessa

    Not everyone wants a relationship babe!

    What should I say if he contacts me?

    #375676 Reply
    Stefanie

    Tessa, are you saying you don’t want a relationship?? If you are just OK with casual hook-ups, then the answer is simple – he’ll contact you when he feels like it, and you can say yes or no when you feel like it. Clearly he wants to remain in control of the situation or he’d be responding to you. If you do want a relationship then walk. “Girlfriends are hard work” – hilarious.

    #375677 Reply
    Tessa

    I know, I had a big chuckle at that one!!! Silly men!

    I’m okay with being casual but we got into a bit of a routine and then BAM! he vanished. I guess I felt a but miffed that he ignored my sexy snaps!! ???? So you think if I just ignore him he will come back? I can’t really tell him off can I?

    Damn I thought FWB was meant to be simpler than having a bae

    #375710 Reply
    Ali

    I watch the snapchat videos of people I barely know who added me on there. Does it mean anything? No. He’s probably enjoys the videoes and the idea that you want him. But you chasing him this way won’t make him want you. If anything he’s just thinking less of you. This guy is probably picking up on the fact you want more and is pulling away. I’d let him go! Do you really want a FWB or do you want a relarionship?

    #375743 Reply
    Stefanie

    Tess honey, by agreeing to this arrangement you have no control whatsoever over what he does. If you feel miffed he ignored your sexy pics, you’re overly involved emotionally. And he’s showing you exactly what he thinks of you… and it’s not a polite word.

    #375778 Reply
    Ivy

    He is not a game player because he is honest with your relationship just be casual, about sex, not dating, and not exclusive.

    In actuality you are the game player because you are acting like you are ok with casual but you are not, you have expectations like when he should contact you etc.

    You need to think of what you want and if you are ok with casual which means each do as you please with no expectations or obligations to one another – which you broke by posting here proving you are over-invested.

    So that is that, accept it for what it is and don’t expect anything like a girlfriend expects things, or move on and seek out a real relationship.

    #375782 Reply
    true_sunshine

    hello girls. I have a question: why are casual hookups in control of men?

    I was reading the answers on this topic and it usually goes like this: if the guy contacts whenever he wants, it is casual. if the girl contacts, she is over invested, wants more etc. Why do people see fwb this way? Souldn’t both parties feel free to contact whenever they want?

    I had a fwb and he thought exactly the same way. When I was contacting him, he would decline almost every time, saying that I would want more, that I will develop feelings, that I was contactim him too often (it was not the case). We only saw each other when he wanted to (sometimes I accepted, some other times I had other plans). But why do men have to be in control? Doesn’t casual mean casual for both parties?

    (I finally got sick of this and ended it with him, not because I wanted a relationship, but because it didn’t feel light and uncomplicated at all)

    #375791 Reply
    Sherri

    I don’t think casual is run by men or women. it is based on both person’s availability and moods. If my fwb had told me what yours had, I would have dumped him on the spot. As I do not find that respectful. As in what way are my needs more than his? Even if I am in an FWB, I have placed boundaries which I expect to be respected in the same way he has. And if I do not get respect whether it be from a friend, acquaintance, fwb or a guy I am dating, they don’t deserve me in their life.

    #375792 Reply
    Harley

    Ideally. . .Both are in Control. my hook up/ fwb both call each other when we want.the past 4 yrs I have not slept with him…He still calls me every few weeks and hopes to meet up when we are home. at the moment… I am in control here.

    #375798 Reply
    Ivy

    Every man and woman has a different idea of casual and relationship behavior. The man in question obviously views a woman reaching out to him as girlfriend behavior, which he will discourage because he doesn’t want that. Other men would love to be booty called as they like to feel sexualy wanted. It is all over the place and really depends on the people.

    I guess if you want to engage in a casual relationship and understand the unspoken rules then go and speak them, what are the expecations for who contacts who, what are perceived acceptable casual behaviors and not acceptable relationship behaviors. Then you can decide if each is ok with that.

    #375907 Reply
    Tessa

    I have to agree with you there true_sunshine, it is ALWAYS on his terms. He was the one that was starting to act like a boyfriend so I made it very clear that it was only casual and there were no feelings on my part. When I would say things like that he would provoke me by saying “please don’t go home” (after) when I would try to make it clear that sleepovers were not necessary and just confuse the situation.

    It is always on his terms. I kept to contacting like I usually do, I have not done anything different. My contact was by any means girlfriend-like, it was more flirty and cheeky, like they usually are.

    I honestly believe he was starting to have feelings and that is why he has started ignoring me to regain the whole “casual” aspect before it escalated.

    I personally want it to go back to casual, without all this ignorance and drama, I will admit I was starting to enjoy the routine part of knowing when I would see him (twice a week, like clockwork) because it meant I could plan things the rest of my nights.

    #375912 Reply
    Tessa

    Also, Ivy it is exclusive. He made it very clear that if I was with anyone else he would end it and I agreed to the same terms.

    I am also not playing games, I am trying to pull it back to what it should be.. CASUAL. He was the one crossing boundaries. Don’t automatically assume it was the woman at fault. He has played a massive part in taking this beyond casual and confusing the situation/giving mixed signals.

    #375914 Reply
    Ivy

    Tessa, Great you are cool with casual, then it shouldn’t bother you when he ignores you because that is casual, no expecations. It certainly sounds like you just want casual with him from what you say but one part of casual is not having expectations. Both of you are having a difficult time navigating this casual relationship and it does not appear to be working well or there wouldn’t be drama. Casual is supposed to be drama free, casual is supposed to be fun, casual is supposed to be no expectations. The best bet for you if you want him to remain your FWB is to lay your cards on the table and communicate the expected terms of your casual relationship. Otherwise, how much fun would it really be for either of you.

    #375921 Reply
    Tessa

    I couldn’t agree more! The problem is that when I do communicate these things, its almost like he seems to think I am lying. That I say that now and will go back on it and start obsessing over him or something. I am presuming this is based on his past experiences. I suppose I just feel rejected and I am not sure if we are done or if he will come back. As I said previously I have given up all contact and I have cut down on the snapchat use. I still post enough so he can see I am living my life, having fun as per normal without him (nothing negative, maybe one snap a day).

    I just find it very rude that he ignores me but still looks at them, its almost like rubbing it in my face. When I think back logically he really only does respond to me when he wants me to come over so I think I need to start taking control of the situation. I tend to drop everything and go over there because I like the idea of having fun and sex and it puts me in a great mood until I see him again. I feel like both of us don’t trust each other but yet seem to get far too close and forget that there should be boundaries in place. I just feel horribly mean if I say whoa buddy back off a bit and I worry he will vanish. Its very rare I actually feel comfortable with another man.

    #375932 Reply
    Ivy

    Tessa, Perhaps both of you are confused on the expectations. You might be confused on what you should feel in a non-invested casual relationship.

    You said you feel rejected – If it is truly casual and you are not invested you won’t feel rejected cause you don’t care either way, it is just sex and when it’s over or not happening you move on quickly. He is replaceable as you are and you won’t be crying when it is over.

    He ignores you sometimes. It’s not a committed relationship, by virtue of casual you are not a priority to him and he is showing this by his behavior. If you want a really polite responsive FWB it won’t be with this guy, unless you lay your cards out and he accepts that condition.

    He only responds when he wants you to go over there. It’s on his terms yes, he wants to call the sex shots. He wants to call, you go run and he likes it like that.

    It sounds like you want to keep this FWB so if you do see him lay out your expecations and see if he can agree to them.

    How many times a week
    Who calls who
    Sleepovers or not
    Call/text responsiveness
    how to communicate when someone looses interest or finds someone else

    #375937 Reply
    Tessa

    Hmm, to be honest I do actually like when he is in charge, that’s part of what makes it so suitable to me. I think the whole being ignored thing is my own issue, not really a reflection of him. It was more like “hey hang on what about my needs!” as it really has been about him and his needs the last few weeks, leaving me feeling a bit needy and being little spoon just doesn’t seem to cut it!

    We were at a place where we were communicating really well, he was very clear with me and we could talk about anything. This seemed quite unusual for me based on my past experiences and he seems to share his feelings and thoughts about his life, work, future and even weird things like his bills and how he plans to buy another house, etc. I tried to bring the conversation back to just the basics, because really isn’t casual not about being a part of the persons personal life outside the bedroom?

    If he comes back would it be very rude of me to sit down and say “hey lets sort some of this stuff out, we seem to be crossing a lot of boundaries and its getting dramatic and not so easy breezy!” then tell him I enjoy the 2 nights per week and can we try to stick to that and I will refrain from any contact in the meantime, I leave it up to him to contact me when he wants to see me. That he doesn’t discuss his personal life, hopes, dreams, etc. That we actually stick to having sex and he focuses on me, not just sorting out what he wants from the situation as that makes me consider going elsewhere because really at the end of the day if that’s not being met, whats the point? is that too direct?

    #375940 Reply
    Ivy

    Why not be direct with a FWB?

    It is direct but having terms set can create an understanding and maybe make it enjoyable again.

    What is the other option?

    #375942 Reply
    Tessa

    Just put up with it and honestly I can’t handle that anymore. I was enjoying it so much and having fun, no stress.. but now! now, its just horrible. I feel like I am in a sticky relationship I want out of!

    I only worry about being direct as I have known him for a very long time and we were friends before (we also have a lot of mutual friends) and I just don’t want to rock the boat.

    Is being that direct okay though? I haven’t ever done this before, normally I just disappear if I don’t like how its going but I think he is a good match FWB wise

    #375967 Reply
    Sherri

    I am always direct with my FWB n won’t have it any other way. What I like don’t like, If I want to try something new, Want to talk n cuddle after sex, Have to cancel if I’ve made other plans n he does the same. If this started getting stressful I would have ended it after having a talk. In between he had started ignoring my texts about schedules n I told him that was not acceptable n he apologised.

    #375968 Reply
    Tessa

    So its okay to bring up the fact he is blatantly ignoring me? I want to see at least have the decency to appear busy and not ready my snaps at all, not read then ignore.

    #375978 Reply
    Lane

    Tessa,

    I understand your concern in that its not about feeling, but why he all of a sudden disappeared. I too would be frustrated if a good friend, family member, co-worker or someone you were in regular contact with did the same. Its not nice where he at least could say “hey, I just need some space” or “it was fun but I’m done” or something to alert you as to where your friendship stands.

    Heck, if mine disappeared for a couple weeks I would be concerned if he was OK as I would any FRIEND I’ve gotten to know really well, and if he didn’t respond then I would just continue to go on normally with my life. Honestly, I’ve been seriously considering ending mine and I think he feels it because he’s been acting needier lately, lol.

    #375980 Reply
    Tessa

    I am so glad you get it, Lane! If it wasn’t for the fact I can see him viewing my snapchats I would honestly have thought he was dead haha. I feel frustrated because he seemed to get needy and I just tolerated it and hoped it would blow over but hell I didn’t expect him to react like this and just vanish! Perhaps my text thanking him for being so lovely alerted him to the fact that he was being TOO nice.

    I posted a story on snapchat of a thing my friend wrote about it being my birthday in a few days. I am hoping he sees it and feels he can contact me for my birthday and we can go from there as if nothing happened.

    What is your FWB doing that is needy?

    #375987 Reply
    Lane

    For some background, our FWB is different than most where he ACTS more like a BF, but we’re both very clear as to the status of where we stand. We go out like couples would and have dinner, dance, go to events, the fair, that sort of stuff and have sex too. I date other guys (we are sexually exclusive for safety reasons—both STD free :-) ) but that’s my private life I don’t talk or discuss with him (out of respect) or anyone else for that matter.

    I started a new business that has been consuming a lot of my time and energy (12+ hours a day) and I’m going to be visiting my sons and having Thanksgiving dinner with my ex husband (we were married over 20 years) and since then he’s been calling a lot more and wanting to see me which not his normal routine. Its very annoying and so I’m going to have to either set some boundaries or call it off all together. Haven’t decided which yet and will probably wait until after I return as I don’t have the energy or fortitude to face it right now and hoping the mini vacation may provide me with some clarity on which course of action to take. Breaking up SUCKS even if its with a friend :-P

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