Why does my guy friend act this way towards me?


Home Forums Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? Why does my guy friend act this way towards me?

This topic contains 45 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Kathryn 1 month ago.

Viewing 21 posts - 26 through 46 (of 46 total)
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  • #935847 Reply

    tallspicy

    Molly, I am sorry that this is painful for you, but you must focus on you – not him. Firstly, we don’t know him and he doesn’t seem to know himself either. Secondly, all of these details show a gross overinvestment in any relationship with him as he tells you over and over by words and deeds that he is not interested. This is a you problem. You don’t know what he wants from you? Literally no one cares, not even him. I say this to wake you up – again. Please go to therapy and dig into why you care so little about yourself as to let this go on in your imagination and mind for sooooo long!

    #935848 Reply

    Molly27

    How do you stop engaging with someone who is around because of family? He initiates all of it, and yet I’m the bad person. That’s why I just said I don’t know what else to do. What am I supposed to do, cut contact from the entire family and quit going to family functions? I want genuine opinions on this. What would you do?

    #935849 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I think I remember from a previous post of yours, that your family blames you for the problems with this guy, right? It sounded like a toxic family dynamic. If I’m misremembering, please correct me.

    You don’t have anyone who would have your back– for example, a sister or cousin, or whoever– you could enlist to help keep this guy away from you at family gatherings? Like if they see him approaching you, they could interrupt and walk you away?

    I will add….you posted recently about going out drinking with this guy, just the two of you (the time he called you “cute”). You said you hit up a few bars together. So you have to avoid situations like that, don’t hit up bars with him, or hang out with him.

    #935850 Reply

    Molly27

    How am I grossly over invested and how does he show disinterest? I wouldn’t date him if he asked. He’s literally a flirt every time we’re together. Holding my hand, calling me cute and sweet cheeks, telling me we’re going to go on a date, that’s just my imagination? I seriously don’t get this. I guess it’s my fault.

    #935851 Reply

    Kathryn

    What do you want from this guy? If he were not part of your family would you want to date him? What on earth is it about him that has you obsessed? Let him go emotionally. Please focus on other things. This is a waste of time. Literally. Like years!!! How old are you again ?

    #935852 Reply

    Tallspicy

    His behavior is not your fault. Yours is. Overthinking, caring, wondering, responding, spending time with him are all overinvestment. Healthy people literally don’t care about people who are not important to their orbit. Your imagination is turning it into anything you care about. Not interested… showing up sometimes, being kind sometimes, flirting sometimes…. Only a consistent healthy person is interested in the way that is healthy.

    #935853 Reply

    Raven

    @Molly27, Until YOU take responsibility for YOU & your part in this fiasco- lacking boundaries, being too damn ‘nice’ etc – Nothing will change.

    Lather, Rinse, Repeat… Break. The. Cycle.

    #935854 Reply

    Raven

    ps: He is NOT a friend

    #935855 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Like others have said, you can only control your own behavior. This guy is an alcoholic and doesn’t even remember half the stuff he says to you. He’s sick. If he were mentally ill, would you believe the stuff he says? It’s the same thing. He is not a mentally healthy, believable person.

    You are grossly overinvested because you claim not to care but you have been obsessively posting about this guy for years. You are hung up and obsessed with deciphering every comment he makes (like the “cute” comment). So yes, you are completely overinvested with a guy who is not consistent or showing genuine interest in you.

    So YOU have to take responsibility. Stop hanging out with him and going out drinking with him. You say he initiates everything- then don’t respond!

    #935862 Reply

    Molly27

    He.is.family.now. If I ignore him, I’m told I’m acting weird and being rude. I only ask about the comments because they’re nonstop and I don’t understand why he does it. I’ve dealt with abuse in the past, in all forms, and I don’t trust easy. I also struggle with abandonment issues. His behavior can be very triggering and I’m trying to navigate it. I’m also a very straightforward person. This platform is a perfect example of why so many people stay quiet in their struggles. Being belittled and harassed when asking for help really hurts. How about kindness and compassion instead of judgement. You don’t even know me.

    #935867 Reply

    Raven

    @Molly, no one here is belittling or harassing you.

    You say you are straightforward & yet aren’t taking the straightforward advice you have ask for.

    The people close to you who are telling you you’re weird or rude for not wanting to be around this guy are the people who you really need to be wary of in regards to belittling & harassing you…

    I understand abandonment stuff… The best advice I can give you is, You be the leaver. Leave these people behind & don’t look back. It is very scary to take that step & VERY freeing when you take that second, third, fourth, fifth step away from disfunction & see it for how it really was!

    Only YOU can do this.

    #935868 Reply

    Tammy

    I am sorry but this is crazy! I hv very close relatvs with whom i dont get along much. So in the event i do run into them during family get togthers or events, i just give a smile, say hello and how are u. And step away!!! U dont hv to ignore neither do u hv to go out on dates with him! You hv been posting the same things over n over again! Lady pls take responsibility for your own actions and stop living in denial!! I dont know abt the guy or what he wants from you. But ur certainly obsessed and cant seem to let go!!

    #935869 Reply

    lane

    Molly I suggest you read the book “Co-dependent No More..” by Melody Beatty. I believe reading about co-dependency will give you the understanding you are seeking.

    I am a recovered co-dependent who divorced an alcoholic so I truly understand how one can be addicted to an addict. I describe codependency as one who tries to create “order out of disorder.” Its EXHAUSTING and only drives you insane because you simply cannot understand why they act, behave, or do what they do. Alcoholism is a mental ILLNESS so unless you want to be just as ILL as he is then keep doing what your doing. If you want peace and happiness then you have to disconnect and fix your illness because co-dependency is the illness a non-alcoholic receives from being with or around an alcoholic. You cannot fix him but you can fix you if truly want relief.

    #935936 Reply

    Molly27

    I’m not obsessed, not even close. Nor am I living in denial. I’ve admitted I’m attracted to the guy, and I’ve also said I’d never date him. I’ve never once reciprocated any of his advances. I sit in silence and ignore it. I lost for advice because it’s extremely difficult to navigate the situation when it never stops. I’m proud of myself for having straightforward conversations and using my voice. All I wanted was advice as to what I can do when I’m going to be around this person for life and they won’t stop making passes. I don’t flirt, I don’t reciprocate, I don’t initiate. Lane, I appreciate your comment. I’ve actually read that book before when I first left my abuser. I had forgotten about it.

    #935937 Reply

    Raven

    Ok, Maybe I understand…
    It’s behavior modification 101: Differential Reinforcement… He will keep trying, as you’ve caved before. You must not give him a glimmer- EVER. If you slip just once, you’ve reinforced him.

    When he’s around you, move.
    He follows you, move.
    He follows you, leave.
    Block him. Do. Not. See him. Alone. EVER.

    You must always shut him down… if you don’t/can’t, then you suffer the consequences.

    #935941 Reply

    Tammy

    He’s literally a flirt every time we’re together. Holding my hand, calling me cute and sweet cheeks, telling me we’re going to go on a date, that’s just my imagination?

    Isnt this what you posted? Thats exactly our point! Why are you conversing with him? Why are you letting him flirt witth you? Why are you letting him hold your hand? And you hv been posting away abt this guy for ages!

    I think you cant let go. Its not that difficult to avoid such personal interactions. As i said, you can alwys say hello, move on and hang out with others. But you dont want to! Thats denial.

    When he’s around you, move.
    He follows you, move.
    He follows you, leave.
    Block him. Do. Not. See him. Alone. EVER.

    You must always shut him down… if you don’t/can’t, then you suffer the consequences.

    As another poster suggsted, i agree.

    The fact that you hv been talking abt the same person and same issues for years shows how obsessed you are. Take action. Shut him out. You may be attrctd to someone but when things are just moving in circles, thn you alwys hv the option to turn your back and walk away from situatns that cause you harm. Thing is you dont want to. You need to figure that out and help yourself by walking away.

    #935942 Reply

    Tammy

    Everything was really good for awhile, and then a few weeks ago we hung out alone together, per his asking, and things got complicated. I had already told him prior to this I see him as a brother.

    Wasnt this posted by you as well? You go out alone with him where hes drnking, flirtin and callin you cute! Yet you post the same old things and then say how can i ignore when hes family? Lol.

    Lady as i said before your in denial and obsessed with this man. And when posters post their view, you think ppl are belittling you.

    I dont think anyone can really help you bec you dont want to see reality or the part you play in it. There have been instances in our lives where we are faced with hopeless situations. We need to take a call and walk away!

    #935943 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You claim to ignore him, but then go out drinking with him alone, just the two of you?

    That’s why folks are saying you’re in denial.

    #935947 Reply

    Tammy

    @liz shes contradicting herslf and in denial. Thats how she ignored by letting him flirt wid her, let him jold her hands, go out for drnks!!! Smh.

    #935979 Reply

    Kathryn

    Why won’t she reveal her age??? I’m trying to understand if this girl is a teenager with no clue about life. Or an older person with some twisted attraction to a push – pull situation. I think the original poster could also simply be a manipulator looking for attention. Otherwise get the f over it girl!

    #935980 Reply

    Kathryn

    Ugh. Trying to post three times??? What is the problem.

    Anyway. To the original poster. Please share your age with us. It makes a difference

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