This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 4 weeks ago.
January 17, 2020 at 10:52 pm #783150
I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months. He is 43 and I am 38. We are tight and our relationship is progressing nicely, albeit on the slower side when it comes to big changes such as moving in together etc. We have young children between us and we don’t want to make rash decisions which may affect our children’s wellbeing. Our families have met and even spent Christmas day together with his father hosting and my parents, brother and friends
attending. Everything is going well, we love each other and it’s all good. However….
Here is the story. This weekend he is attending the wedding of extended family members and I haven’t been included. The first time I heard about this was when we were dating for 6 months. He and I went to my parents’ house for dinner and my parents were talking about this beautiful place in our country where they love to holiday. My BF said, oh yes! He knows, he is going there for a wedding in January. My dad then said (he is a very polite, but straight up guy): “Are you taking Melissa with you”. My boyfriend said in a bit of a joking manner that Melissa is not invited and that this was all arranged before we met.
I let it go. I mean what else could I do at that stage? I think part of me was hoping that he would eventually want to include me as his plus one. I have met most members of his family, including the wedding party, I don’t see why it would be so hard to ask if he could bring me along. But nothing.
The time came around for him to leave. Last Saturday, a few days before he was due to fly out and the same night as the ‘stag do’ for the groom of the wedding in question. He and I met up afterwards as I had come home from a music festival when he finished the ‘stag do’ and we met up in town to drive back to his place. I brought up my concerns. I said to him that I love him, but I feel a bit bummed out that I haven’t been included in such a big event at this stage of our relationship. Although he was really apologetic, he also said that this was arranged before we had met. I used an example of a reversed situation. I told him that I’ve been invited to the wedding of friends of mine in October. When I got the invite, he had still not met my friends. I reiterated to him that there was no way that I would want to attend something as lovely as a wedding of close friends without the love of my life and of course I’m going to ask my friends if he would come with me. They would understand and I’m sure his family would have understood with smiles if he had done the same in this situation (please note that money is not a problem, so no budgeting issues).
It seemed to have make him think a bit and he sincerely apologised saying that I could still come and would love me to be there. I said that no, it’s too late (it was only a week before the wedding and I have my kids this weekend) and at this stage it is the principle and that it would have been nice if he could have tried to arrange something earlier to have the woman he loves by his side at such an event.
Since he has left for this trip he has phoned me, sent messages, sent photos of the wedding venue, the views etc. My replies are polite but short and I’m struggling to be all lovey dovey. I hate it to feel like this, because I miss him and I don’t want to come across as the girlfriend who doesn’t allow her guy to do things without her. BTW, we do things apart with friends etc. But for some reason this situation with the wedding is making me feel a bit low. All those photos of him at such a romantic venue without me….
Before we met he did come out of a very messy separation from his ex (financially and emotionally). He has been amazing with me though and his family adore me for playing a big part in getting him out of a bad space during and following his court battles. I know that we are strong. But IDK, this wedding situation is irking me. I wish I can just let it go! We have trips of our own coming up, we have so much planned together, but I don’t know why I’m feeling this way? Can someone please tell me to get over it! Or do I have good reason to feel this way?January 18, 2020 at 12:25 am #783152
You need to get over it. With weddings its not the person that is inviteds choice its the B&Gs and whilst you’ve met and see no reason not to be added to the guest list, weddings are a very personal event and the B&G may want only close family to attend – you are making assumptions that they would be cool with you piggy backing when actually you just don’t know. Its awkward for him to ask for a plus one. It was arranged before you met him and you’ve known about it for ages so why pipe up just days before the event to say you have an issue?
You are making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be and you are choosing to make yourself unhappy and punish him in the process and its just not fair.
Stop being short with him even if you are feeling pi**ed off and slighted. Behave with good grace and be your normal self as you will regret causing bad feeling about this and jeopardising what you guys have.
Think of it this way – in a year’s time will this matter? In 2, 3, 4 years? I can guarantee it won’t.
Stop your hissy fit and go back to being the woman he loves not a needy, petty girlfriend- it only hurts you!January 18, 2020 at 2:21 am #783155
Better off single
This was planned before he met you.
Guys are bad about remembering stuff.
He sent you pictures and kept you posted. It’s not like he’s ignoring you.
You kept busy and did your own thing while he was gone.
Weddings are super boring.
You’re being too hard on yourself. Let it go.January 18, 2020 at 10:26 am #783178
You were not invited. People can’t just decide to bring a plus one if they werent on the invitation. The bride and groom have spent a lot of time narrowing down the guest list and making the table arrangements etc… it’s really presumptuous of you to think you can just tag along and it’s also putting him in a really awkward and uncomfortable position . Are you really that unaware of how these things work?
You’re being childish and creating problems. He has apologized (for what I don’t know) and now you’re being passive aggressive with short texts. I see a break up in the near future if you don’t learn how to behave like an adult.January 18, 2020 at 3:15 pm #783187
I totally agree with what others are saying here. When all is good, you are now looking for trouble to throw a fit. Waiste of your time and energyJanuary 19, 2020 at 2:37 am #783222
Please just get a grip. This sounds like a great guy and a great relationship. He can’t do any more than listen and apologise. You are heading for big trouble in your relationship if you persue this further. You’ll wreck his time as the wedding as he’ll feel bad and he’ll resent you for it. Stop. You doing very preciousJanuary 19, 2020 at 2:38 am #783223
You sound very precious that should beJanuary 19, 2020 at 8:47 am #783231
Weddings ARE boring and you’re putting too much importance on it.January 19, 2020 at 9:04 am #783235
You are hurt that he did not include you. OK. Sounds like you want to be in every aspect of his life…that is not healthy. He has a life and you have a life. Please do not have him in everything of you life and do not demand he includes you. Space keeps love alive, not being joined at the hip.January 19, 2020 at 11:01 am #783240
I’m sorry but you are out of bounds on this one! He was invited by his friends before you knew each other; whereas a couple plans their wedding around the number of people they invited and who RSVP’d yes.
My eldest son was married last month where he and his fiance’ intentionally wanted to keep their wedding very small and intimate so they intentionally didn’t invite certain family members, and friends in order to keep it that way. Well my youngest son was talking to one of his cousin’s on FB, about three weeks before the wedding, and asked if she was invited to the wedding? She responded “what wedding?” At which point he realized he messed up and shouldn’t have said anything to her. Let’s just say his brother gave him a stern warning to keep his mouth shut and not invite anyone else they didn’t invite to the wedding.
This put my eldest son and his fiance in a difficult spot as they had already planned for a specific number of people, based on those they knew were attending after sending the invitation’s out. They now had two extra family member’s that wanted to go as his cousin also has a younger sister (their Uncle’s two daughters) only because my youngest son opened his big mouth. They now felt forced (obligated) to add them, not because they asked them to attend but because of someone (his brother) who didn’t have the right to invite extra people to their wedding.
I’m sorry but its rude to invite someone after the invitations have been sent out and RSVP’s have come in indicating the number attending as that’s what a couple plans around. Since you’ve never planned a wedding its easy for you to say it shouldn’t be a big deal but it could be a very big deal to the couple as it adds extra planning and costs; whereas if not only your BF but others kept asking to bring someone with them it would throw their wedding plans out of whack. Weddings are stressful enough and to add more stress to people you don’t even know is rude.
The problem I see is that you are so focused on your own needs, such as your BF proving to you how “special you are to him” that you can’t see how it affects other people, such as forcing your BF into a tough spot of having to ask his friends if you can come along just so he can validate your feelings. Nor do you seem to care how it might affect the couple’s wedding plans because what if its just not your BF but 10 others who now want to bring someone they have no relationship with to the wedding. Its their wedding, not yours, and if they wanted to invite you they would have. If they don’t extend an invitation to you personally, then it means you are not invited.January 19, 2020 at 11:36 am #783242
Sorry, meant he was invited by his family…doesn’t matter if they are family or friends, if the family wanted you to come then they would have extended the invitation to you when you met. Just think if every person they invited brought a + 1 (BF or GF)—it would become a wedding nightmare.