Who should be leading?

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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Keira 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #882893 Reply


    In the early stages of dating or getting to know someone, who should be leading? What are some innocent mistakes women make in those stages that indicate chasing? Is it best to let the man chase, especially after having sex? I tested it and indeed whenever I took a step back the guy has been involved asking me to go out and meet and when I have been actively pursuing guys were ghosting me. All constructive feedback appreciated. I’m a bit clueless when it comes to dating. I recently met a guy, we had sex eleven times and kind of connected spending some time outdoors as well, going on dates but we aren’t communicating much only to set up meetings.

    #882977 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You’ve had sex 11 times…..how long have you known this guy? How soon did you sleep with him after meeting him? Has he escalated his attention to you (taking you out, seeing you more, calling/texting more often) after having sex?

    That info is more important than the exact number of times you have had sex.

    Does he take you on dates? Does he spend time with you when sex is not involved? Or does he only contact you to meet for sex?

    I think in the early stages of dating, like the first few dates, it’s best to let the man take the lead, and for you (the woman) to be very welcoming and responsive. But by the time you’re having sex, and having sex multiple times (you’re up to 11 times now), you shouldn’t have to worry so much about “chasing”. It’s OK to contact a guy at that point, it’s OK to arrange a date. But he should be stepping up his actions and contacting you plenty so you don’t have to. If you feel like you’re “chasing” him that’s not a good sign. Ideally he would not leave you feeling that way because he’ll be reaching out constantly and wanting to see you. That is, if the situation is gonna go anywhere.

    #883011 Reply


    It happened within a spiral of two weeks, we kind of go to dates and end up in bed. He sleeps over sometimes and when we wake up he wants to go out and talk or walk, for coffee or lunch but tbh I bring him home after for sex. I like that he knows how to turn me on and have great sex cause I’ve been struggling to enjoy it with guys in the past who were rushing and didn’t do enough foreplay. We fairly talk, actually we talk a lot about all sorts of things, our families friends goals etc. He lately wanted to do activities outdoors but I’m a bit more lazy so I lure him to bedroom fast enough. Last time we went for lunch I paid as he was paying everything before so he said he owes me a nice dinner to go somewhere for wine and food. I warned him that I’m more self sufficient and don’t really date. But we haven’t booty called so far. We arrange meeting outside catch up with each other and then I invite him over. Now he is away preparing his thesis so we don’t talk. I enjoyed some space so I didn’t write to him anything as his last night we were together until I told him goodbye at airport. Not sure when he’s coming, maybe in few months. But really I felt a bit suffocated so deep down I’m quite relieved. However I do like him and don’t want to lose momentum. Basically, I got exhausted from chasing guys before so I made a promise to myself until the guy shows enough interest I won’t initiate. I’m a bit confused cause every time he says he’s having amazing time with me and can’t believe his luck we met. I find all these statements exaggerated. I try to be receptive cause he’s sweet but we haven’t really talked what this is. I don’t know him enough to trust his words I’m on the back seat for a change, waiting and observing. Had many guys coming on too strong only to disappear completely so you understand why I’m being cautious. Want to protect myself from unnecessary heartbreak. He had my number where we usually communicate but insisted we follow each other on social media. We haven’t talked though since he had his flight.

    #883285 Reply


    The question is what do you want from this guy, what’s your endgame?

    If you want to be a girlfriend then I’m afraid you shot yourself in the foot a bit. A man who is not a boyfriend does not get to enjoy all the boyfriend benefits. He should be treated like a casual guy and he should be leading, wooing you in and outside of bed, more so outside the bed because sex only lasts a couple of minutes each time and in between you need to step up in other ways.

    But if you want casual then it’s whatever,doesn’t matter who leads, you’re just having fun and it’s not that deep. The less expectations the better in a causal relationship.

    #883295 Reply


    your second post is soooo confusing. you keep contradicting yourself. who should lead i think should come later. first you should know wht u want. and from your posts it comes across as your totally confused about men, flings, relationships etc.

    #883307 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Tammy, your 2nd post is extremely confusing and full of contradictions. From the sound of it you dragged this guy into bed at every chance. Even when he wanted to do activities with you outdoors, you “lured” him into bed. So you made the situation about sex. You “warned him that I’m more self sufficient and don’t really date”. He’s gone now for several months but you don’t know exactly how long, and you feel relieved because you were feeling suffocated, but you “don’t want to lose momentum”. Now you aren’t talking to him because you refuse to initiate.

    So you told this guy you don’t date, made your interactions about sex, and did not have a conversation about “what this is.” You don’t even know when he’s coming back to town, maybe in a few months. So you’re “sitting in the back seat, waiting and observing”. Waiting for what? Observing what? You’re worried about losing momentum but you’re not speaking to the guy and have no idea when he’ll be back!

    It’s completely unclear to me what you want from this guy, and I’m willing to bet it’s unclear to him as well. He may have just thought it was a fun fling. You certainly didn’t give the impression you wanted anything serious. If it’s just a fling, then don’t overthink it. Whatever it is, you should step back and think and be clear about what you want.

    When you make your early interactions about sex, it’s less likely a guy will make you his girlfriend– I’ve seen it over and over again with my female friends, and I’ve experienced it myself. In the early stages you should let the guy woo you, win you over, take you out- don’t jump into bed immediately and don’t make all your dates about sex. It sounds like you’ve already done that with this guy so I don’t know that he’s thinking of you as girlfriend material. I’m sure he wasn’t lying when he said he had a great time and enjoyed your company, but that doesn’t mean he wants a relationship.

    #883341 Reply


    Okay so yes I’m confused. I like him but I’m scared. He introduced me to new emotions and it freaked me out. I don’t know what he wants either. He told me that I blew his mind and he doesn’t think someone else can have the same effect on him. He isn’t sure in which country he’s going to live eventually so I’m not confident if we should drag each other into something or anything if we aren’t physically present. So yes, I’m totally confused. He didn’t write to me and I didn’t write to him either.

    #883345 Reply


    And what shall I write to him? You inspired me for something more but got freaked out and did what I knew best, hooking up and avoid connection? Damn, I spent the best two weeks of my life and it makes me miserable to realize this will not lead to anywhere but the worse is that I’ll lose a great guy. I don’t know how to approach him, he’s anyway far away in terms of proximity and we never actually talked about when this day would arrive. He only said “this sucks big time”

    #883371 Reply


    again its not about who should lead at this stage. its more about you sorting yourself out. maybe this ship has sailed but that’s ok. work on urself. you still sound all over the place.

    #883378 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I don’t mean to be harsh, but you were with this guy two weeks? Two weeks is nothing. You don’t really know a person in two weeks. It takes months and years of interactions, experiencing both good and bad times, to really get to know a person. So you don’t really know if he’s a great guy….yes, you had a great two weeks, and I’m sure he’s a lovely person…but still, it was only two weeks. It’s easy to idealize someone you don’t really know. The only way you figure out if someone is right for you, is over time. You take time, date the person, get to know them, spend time with them….time is key.

    I’m not trying to minimize your experience in the least. I suspect you’re quite young, probably in your 20s right? I’m in my 40s so I have a bit more experience and perspective. It’s great that he introduced you to new emotions and possibilities! I think you should mentally allow yourself to explore the doors he opened for you. It will make you open to new relationships in the future. It sounds like you had a powerful emotional experience with this guy, so you can learn from it and grow.

    It doesn’t sound like this situation has a future in the sense of the guy is far away now, he doesn’t know what country he’ll live in, you never had any talks about the future, and the two of you are not communicating….but you can still consider it a beautiful experience and learn from it.

    #883383 Reply


    Keira, I don’t think you need to idealize the connection just yet. It sounds to me like you have a (Fearful) Avoidant attachment style, and you can feel longing for connection with him now that he’s away. But when he’s here, you keep your emotional distance due to your fears. You’ve known him only a short time, which means you don’t actually know him yet. While I think you should loosely stay in touch if the connection is important to you so that the door is still open while you both figure out if logistics can work, I think it’s far more important to focus on yourself and take a bigger look at your attachment style and relationship skill toolbox so you can show up to make a romantic relationship work if it’s with someone important to you. Otherwise, you may shut down and distance again if he’s more available than he is now — and you may keep doing that no matter who you meet. In the meantime, keep getting to know who this guy really is without the rush or idealizing. Don’t beat yourself up for the two weeks you’ve spent together so far, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about anything.

    #883403 Reply


    Yes indeed. I am feeling like I did something wrong and killed it before it started. I know he’s currently working on his stuff and I’m working on mine as well in the meantime. I figured some space might do me good to figure what I really want and also maybe for him. I am not sure if he’d feel enough encouraged to reach out unless he’s returning and I haven’t tried long distance encounters so don’t really know how it works. How could I get to know him if we don’t communicate? I don’t want to start blowing up his phone but don’t want him to think that since he left I wrote him off. Do you have any good ideas how could I sustain some level of communication so we get to know each other more and arrange a meeting whenever opportunity comes up?

    #883423 Reply


    Sorry the rest of replies weren’t updated on time. I’m 26 and fairly inexperienced. I’d prefer an organic communication that doesn’t feel forced for both parties. That’s why I haven’t communicated yet and frankly I’m way too scared to get rejected. Not even sure he is thinking of me wondering the same but I guess we’ll move on with days and leave it there. Thank you for the insight. I told him this as well, that he opened new doors for me for emotional connection but he didn’t comment on it or himself. He told me if someone loves their life as it is, they don’t expect someone to make them happy but to be cherry on top. He told me that he prefers quality over quantity and that unless there is some connection he can’t have sex. We did it eleven times so far, so I can assume he saw something in me not for relationship but perhaps he felt it also, that we were clicking or connecting. I did give him mixed signals so yes, shouldn’t mess with him again if I don’t know what I want. There is also the possibility he was saying things I wanted to hear. For example, when we were out for coffee, I made a joke about myself that I’m a bit messy and absent minded and he said, don’t care I love everything about you. And I joked if it’s his favourite phrase with women and he said, no just speaking my mind.

    #883441 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’ve had short-lived, intense flings like this. Part of what makes them so intense and sweet is the fact that your time is limited. I know it feels like everything converged and you clicked together like with no one else– but all that is a function of having a very short-lived window to live the experience. Does that make sense? You seem perfect to each other and love everything about each other because you’re in a short, intense fantasy. You never got a chance to get on each other’s nerves (and I mean that– in a true, loving relationship, you take the good with the bad, in order to truly know your partner they have to annoy you at times!)

    I really love Maddie’s advice! Please read her response carefully. Don’t idealize this guy, please. He’s just a person. He leaves his dirty socks on the floor and farts in his sleep just like every other guy :-) Maddie is spot on about using this opportunity to focus on yourself and your attachment style. You can reach out to him just to say hello and see how he’s doing if you want to keep the connection going. But you should really unpack your fear of getting close to him (or any other man) if you want to eventually have a successful relationship (whether with him or anyone else!)

    #883462 Reply


    Yes I might do that. Of course I don’t idealize him, in fact I saw some of his flaws but they seemed cute for the exact reason you’re mentioning. Uf, don’t know what I’m going to do. I miss him but I don’t have much option. Even if I reach out to him, nothing beats physical intimacy coupled with emotional connection. If he reaches out to me first, then I can figure out how to proceed. And if he doesn’t, then I can assume connection wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t quite miss me.

    #883515 Reply


    100% with Maddie and Lizzy’s advice!

    Whelp! My head is spinning with how all over the place you are with your feelings and emotions concerning this guy I just couldn’t get anything coherent on where you actually stand with him or where he stands with you or what’s really going on but you got some really solid advice.

    I however observed that you keep mentioning the sex, I picked up a lot of emphasis on it.

    Sounds like you’re also on what the posters here call “The Oxytocin train” the post sex rush of emotions and feelings which is usually magnified since the oxytocin hormone which also doubles as neurotransmitter is doing rounds in your system. Oxytocin is responsible for bonding and the warm fuzzy feeling etc and does a number on women after sex.

    So you might want to separate your emotions from logic and reality. Like the other posters suggested you also seem to be over idealizing everything. Get your head out of clouds a bit.

    My initial advice was “Just move on and focus on yourself” but since I can’t get the hang of everything that’s going on, it may not be the best advice.

    #883596 Reply


    erin i agree with you 100 %. she seems to be all over the place. about him and how she feels and thinks and what she does or what she did and now what she wants to do! i cant really make much sense bec it all appears jumbled and confused. but what little i could make out was that initially she was all about things she did and felt. which was completely contradictory. now its all about how suddnly things are so gud and how to get him back. but no talks about why she is all over the place and how is she thinking of sorting out the confusion in her thoughts. i think rather than focus on getting the man back she needs to figure herslf out and work on herslf. sort out her stuff.

    #883768 Reply


    I just want to get to know this man and see how it goes. I like him and sex is amazing. But currently, he’s abroad so all I’ve got is distant communication.

    #883803 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Wanting to get to know a man and see how it goes is straightforward enough. But what everyone here is trying to tell you is that you need to sort out your thought process. By your own admission you gave the guy mixed signals. You seem to be all over the place mentally. You refuse to believe him when he gives you compliments or tells you nice things. You’re saying you refuse to initiate unless he shows interest but every time he tried or said something nice, you pushed him off. Given the fact that you made it clear to him that you don’t date, and you brushed off the nice comments he made, he might feel you aren’t interested in pursuing anything further.

    Have you tried reaching out to him? Just to say hello and see how his thesis is going? Really it’s not that big of a deal. Just reach out and if he responds warmly, you can take it from there. (Although “taking it from there” will require you to be clear headed and honest about what you want from him, which you have not been). If he’s distant or distracted or doesn’t respond, you have your answer.

    This is the kind of baggage that gets in the way of getting to know a man. So what we’re trying to tell you is that you need to address your internal mental state. If you don’t, it will be difficult if not impossible to get to know him. Getting to know someone long distance is hard enough as it is, if you’re not clear about your intentions it’s even harder.

    #883820 Reply


    Liz you have said it so nicely and clearly. :-)

    #883822 Reply


    Not sure if it’s important but when we were laying on the sofa, I asked him what he likes most about me and he said “your soul. If I could pick a colour will be purple.” And touched me on the chest. I haven’t reached out cause it’s only been a couple of days he left. I am going out on friday with some common friends and we were thinking to send him a picture from the bar we used to hang out (same bar we met) and tell him greetings. So in a way he’ll be happy to see familiar faces and can ask him how he’s doing after that since they put me in charge of communicating with him.

    #883860 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Why do you need to frame your contacting him that way? Saying that your friends put you in charge of communicating with him on behalf of the group?

    This is exactly what we’re talking about. If you refuse to show any vulnerability or personal interest in the guy, he is going to assume you’re not interested in pursuing things. So you contact him with a text and a picture and tell him you’re reaching out on behalf of the group; that’s totally different from making it clear that you’re contacting him because you personally want to see how he’s doing and get to know him.

    Also, about the soul comment– what do you think it means? No shade here, but I don’t see why it has deep significance. I don’t think it’s a statement on anything in particular. People say all kinds of random stuff when cuddling. What significance does it have to you? Honest question.

    #883891 Reply


    No significance per se just that someone might saw something deeper in me than just a body aka my physique or tits or ass. The potential of falling for someone’s soul. The only way I thought to send him a picture is because it comes effortlessly. I’m just scared to put my cards on the table. If I write to him without a context he’ll know that I’ve been thinking about him and got vulnerable and if he doesn’t feel the same he’ll feel forced to reply or might not even reply if he thinks okay, she wants me I got her. Don’t want to come off as needy or clingy.

    #883894 Reply


    Another idea would be to reach out over weekend, send a picture of my self, face not body and write to him “greetings from your friend in x city” or sending u good vibes, hope you’re having a good time”. I feel like a picture would have an effect, if someone misses you or were thinking about you. Or I can simply write “hey, been thinking about you, how is everything?”

    #883931 Reply


    Just some general comments to consider about dating and relationships… healthy dating and developing relationships are not a power struggle. The fear of vulnerability and whether you’re on the same page or not and if that matters is in your head and something you’re assigning and he may not be thinking about at all. I understand why you’re coming from that angle, and it doesn’t really have much to do with him as much as the introspection and attachment style areas we’re suggesting you work on. If you and him are not on the same page after all and you find that out… nothing happens. It is disappointing and it may hurt for a while, but it does not actually threaten you or your well-being if things don’t work out the way you hope. You’ll survive and be okay because you’ve still got you. You’re also bringing your fears to the mind versus body concepts. Not every guy is only after sex, though it sounds like you’ve encountered men in your past who assigned you that as your value. You assign your own value and define yourself, men only get this power if you give it away to them in your own head.

    I’m sure this guy will be happy to hear from you in whatever capacity you reach out. A hello photo, a thinking of you and how are you doing? message. There’s no reason to assume you’re bothering him or imposing on him unless you’ve reached out a couple times and never got a reply at all — then, don’t reach out further. But a lot of your concerns here are not because of anything he’s done and are your projections, which is why we’re mostly suggesting you sort your side of things out so you don’t sabotage yourself and your connections with your lack of trust in yourself and in others. Trust that however you reach out is fine, you can own it. You don’t need to play games and reach out on behalf of all your mutual friends. It’s good to practice reaching out and owning that you reached out, owning what you want, and seeing that nothing bad actually comes out of communicating that or being vulnerable. The worst that happens is someone’s not interested, and that’s actually GREAT! Because then you know not to waste your time on them.

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