Who should be leading?

It happened within a spiral of two weeks, we kind of go to dates and end up in bed. He sleeps over sometimes and when we wake up he wants to go out and talk or walk, for coffee or lunch but tbh I bring him home after for sex. I like that he knows how to turn me on and have great sex cause I’ve been struggling to enjoy it with guys in the past who were rushing and didn’t do enough foreplay. We fairly talk, actually we talk a lot about all sorts of things, our families friends goals etc. He lately wanted to do activities outdoors but I’m a bit more lazy so I lure him to bedroom fast enough. Last time we went for lunch I paid as he was paying everything before so he said he owes me a nice dinner to go somewhere for wine and food. I warned him that I’m more self sufficient and don’t really date. But we haven’t booty called so far. We arrange meeting outside catch up with each other and then I invite him over. Now he is away preparing his thesis so we don’t talk. I enjoyed some space so I didn’t write to him anything as his last night we were together until I told him goodbye at airport. Not sure when he’s coming, maybe in few months. But really I felt a bit suffocated so deep down I’m quite relieved. However I do like him and don’t want to lose momentum. Basically, I got exhausted from chasing guys before so I made a promise to myself until the guy shows enough interest I won’t initiate. I’m a bit confused cause every time he says he’s having amazing time with me and can’t believe his luck we met. I find all these statements exaggerated. I try to be receptive cause he’s sweet but we haven’t really talked what this is. I don’t know him enough to trust his words I’m on the back seat for a change, waiting and observing. Had many guys coming on too strong only to disappear completely so you understand why I’m being cautious. Want to protect myself from unnecessary heartbreak. He had my number where we usually communicate but insisted we follow each other on social media. We haven’t talked though since he had his flight.

your second post is soooo confusing. you keep contradicting yourself. who should lead i think should come later. first you should know wht u want. and from your posts it comes across as your totally confused about men, flings, relationships etc.

Okay so yes I’m confused. I like him but I’m scared. He introduced me to new emotions and it freaked me out. I don’t know what he wants either. He told me that I blew his mind and he doesn’t think someone else can have the same effect on him. He isn’t sure in which country he’s going to live eventually so I’m not confident if we should drag each other into something or anything if we aren’t physically present. So yes, I’m totally confused. He didn’t write to me and I didn’t write to him either.

again its not about who should lead at this stage. its more about you sorting yourself out. maybe this ship has sailed but that’s ok. work on urself. you still sound all over the place.

Keira, I don’t think you need to idealize the connection just yet. It sounds to me like you have a (Fearful) Avoidant attachment style, and you can feel longing for connection with him now that he’s away. But when he’s here, you keep your emotional distance due to your fears. You’ve known him only a short time, which means you don’t actually know him yet. While I think you should loosely stay in touch if the connection is important to you so that the door is still open while you both figure out if logistics can work, I think it’s far more important to focus on yourself and take a bigger look at your attachment style and relationship skill toolbox so you can show up to make a romantic relationship work if it’s with someone important to you. Otherwise, you may shut down and distance again if he’s more available than he is now — and you may keep doing that no matter who you meet. In the meantime, keep getting to know who this guy really is without the rush or idealizing. Don’t beat yourself up for the two weeks you’ve spent together so far, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about anything.

Sorry the rest of replies weren’t updated on time. I’m 26 and fairly inexperienced. I’d prefer an organic communication that doesn’t feel forced for both parties. That’s why I haven’t communicated yet and frankly I’m way too scared to get rejected. Not even sure he is thinking of me wondering the same but I guess we’ll move on with days and leave it there. Thank you for the insight. I told him this as well, that he opened new doors for me for emotional connection but he didn’t comment on it or himself. He told me if someone loves their life as it is, they don’t expect someone to make them happy but to be cherry on top. He told me that he prefers quality over quantity and that unless there is some connection he can’t have sex. We did it eleven times so far, so I can assume he saw something in me not for relationship but perhaps he felt it also, that we were clicking or connecting. I did give him mixed signals so yes, shouldn’t mess with him again if I don’t know what I want. There is also the possibility he was saying things I wanted to hear. For example, when we were out for coffee, I made a joke about myself that I’m a bit messy and absent minded and he said, don’t care I love everything about you. And I joked if it’s his favourite phrase with women and he said, no just speaking my mind.

Yes I might do that. Of course I don’t idealize him, in fact I saw some of his flaws but they seemed cute for the exact reason you’re mentioning. Uf, don’t know what I’m going to do. I miss him but I don’t have much option. Even if I reach out to him, nothing beats physical intimacy coupled with emotional connection. If he reaches out to me first, then I can figure out how to proceed. And if he doesn’t, then I can assume connection wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t quite miss me.

erin i agree with you 100 %. she seems to be all over the place. about him and how she feels and thinks and what she does or what she did and now what she wants to do! i cant really make much sense bec it all appears jumbled and confused. but what little i could make out was that initially she was all about things she did and felt. which was completely contradictory. now its all about how suddnly things are so gud and how to get him back. but no talks about why she is all over the place and how is she thinking of sorting out the confusion in her thoughts. i think rather than focus on getting the man back she needs to figure herslf out and work on herslf. sort out her stuff.

Wanting to get to know a man and see how it goes is straightforward enough. But what everyone here is trying to tell you is that you need to sort out your thought process. By your own admission you gave the guy mixed signals. You seem to be all over the place mentally. You refuse to believe him when he gives you compliments or tells you nice things. You’re saying you refuse to initiate unless he shows interest but every time he tried or said something nice, you pushed him off. Given the fact that you made it clear to him that you don’t date, and you brushed off the nice comments he made, he might feel you aren’t interested in pursuing anything further.

Have you tried reaching out to him? Just to say hello and see how his thesis is going? Really it’s not that big of a deal. Just reach out and if he responds warmly, you can take it from there. (Although “taking it from there” will require you to be clear headed and honest about what you want from him, which you have not been). If he’s distant or distracted or doesn’t respond, you have your answer.

This is the kind of baggage that gets in the way of getting to know a man. So what we’re trying to tell you is that you need to address your internal mental state. If you don’t, it will be difficult if not impossible to get to know him. Getting to know someone long distance is hard enough as it is, if you’re not clear about your intentions it’s even harder.

Not sure if it’s important but when we were laying on the sofa, I asked him what he likes most about me and he said “your soul. If I could pick a colour will be purple.” And touched me on the chest. I haven’t reached out cause it’s only been a couple of days he left. I am going out on friday with some common friends and we were thinking to send him a picture from the bar we used to hang out (same bar we met) and tell him greetings. So in a way he’ll be happy to see familiar faces and can ask him how he’s doing after that since they put me in charge of communicating with him.

No significance per se just that someone might saw something deeper in me than just a body aka my physique or tits or ass. The potential of falling for someone’s soul. The only way I thought to send him a picture is because it comes effortlessly. I’m just scared to put my cards on the table. If I write to him without a context he’ll know that I’ve been thinking about him and got vulnerable and if he doesn’t feel the same he’ll feel forced to reply or might not even reply if he thinks okay, she wants me I got her. Don’t want to come off as needy or clingy.

Just some general comments to consider about dating and relationships… healthy dating and developing relationships are not a power struggle. The fear of vulnerability and whether you’re on the same page or not and if that matters is in your head and something you’re assigning and he may not be thinking about at all. I understand why you’re coming from that angle, and it doesn’t really have much to do with him as much as the introspection and attachment style areas we’re suggesting you work on. If you and him are not on the same page after all and you find that out… nothing happens. It is disappointing and it may hurt for a while, but it does not actually threaten you or your well-being if things don’t work out the way you hope. You’ll survive and be okay because you’ve still got you. You’re also bringing your fears to the mind versus body concepts. Not every guy is only after sex, though it sounds like you’ve encountered men in your past who assigned you that as your value. You assign your own value and define yourself, men only get this power if you give it away to them in your own head.

I’m sure this guy will be happy to hear from you in whatever capacity you reach out. A hello photo, a thinking of you and how are you doing? message. There’s no reason to assume you’re bothering him or imposing on him unless you’ve reached out a couple times and never got a reply at all — then, don’t reach out further. But a lot of your concerns here are not because of anything he’s done and are your projections, which is why we’re mostly suggesting you sort your side of things out so you don’t sabotage yourself and your connections with your lack of trust in yourself and in others. Trust that however you reach out is fine, you can own it. You don’t need to play games and reach out on behalf of all your mutual friends. It’s good to practice reaching out and owning that you reached out, owning what you want, and seeing that nothing bad actually comes out of communicating that or being vulnerable. The worst that happens is someone’s not interested, and that’s actually GREAT! Because then you know not to waste your time on them.