Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › When you are the only single friend
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Lane.
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Rosita
I’m 28 and the only friend out of all my girl friends that is single. It hurts, deep down. I just haven’t met the right person yet in my life and I don’t often meet a ton of people my age. I am going to keep trying at it, but it just has not happened for me. I am okay being single, somewhat, like there is nothing wrong with it, but seeing all my friends have a person and me doing everything alone, it hurts.
One friend is married, another engaged, another living in a home together, and just today one other friend invited me to go look at engagement rings with her because her boyfriend wants to know what she wants so he can buy it now.
I said sure, but I felt it digging the knife into me just a little bit more hurting me. Am I happy for my friends, of course, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I’m very smart. More educated than all my friends. Have a decent job I enjoy, and even have my own place, something none of my friends could afford alone. I have an ideal mature lifestyle.
But it hurts me inside. They are my best friends, but more and more they are inviting me to all couples events and activities. They are fun things I want to go to, but who wants to go out alone with 4 couples? So I often skip them and miss out.
I am wrong for feeling this hurt. Like when my friend asked me to go ring shopping with her, I immediately said yes, but felt myself wanting to cry at the same time.
Khadija
At some point and time these same friends were single just like you.
Eventually they met someone, so try and be patient. These things can’t be rushed and happen when the time is right.I sense some resentment and a hint of jealousy given the comments you made about their lifestyle, your education, and career. Perhaps its time to branch out and make some single friends.
We all have various groups of friends. Some friends we go partying with, others we play sports with, etc.
Keep living your life and don’t give up on love it will happen when the time is right.
Newbie
There will be plenty of stuff not going your way and plenty of stuff going your way. You cant measure it out against each other. I been single most of my life but i was very lucky to keep the friends i made around age 12 and 18. We will never lose touch and we are in our 50ies now. And im so happy about that. Thats also a valuable part of life. So dont try to avoid them. They are including you.
You not finding your loved one yet is not uncommon. Just get outthere and someone will show up.
Building up resentment will only harm yourself plus i can bet their lives are not perfect either.
The world is at your feet. Be a generous and loving person to the people around you. Sorry for the mushy message but i find this to be true todayRosita
How do I get out there and meet anyone when I don’t go out because I only het asked out to all things with couples.
Better off single
Well, you can rule out going to bars…
Liz Lemon
Have you tried online dating or dating apps? As much as people complain about them, they are tools you can use to meet & date men. You just need to approach it with the right mindset. I myself met my boyfriend online and I know couples who’ve even gotten married from sites like OkCupid or EHarmony, or apps like Tinder, Bumble etc.
Sign up for a class, or volunteer. Do things to get you out of the house meeting new people. You should definitely treasure the relationships you have with your friends, like other posters have said– but you are not limited to only hanging out or having friendships with them. Widen your social circle, don’t just wait to be invited out by them.
Rosita
I’ve done online dating for the last year. Its been a nightmare. Guys had a ton of baggage that I found out about after the fact. When things seemed to be going good for many months, they would ghost me out of the blue. All my friends met their person online, but I have had only horrible experiences.
I thought about taking classes and volunteering, but I don’t see myself meeting a single guy at a dancing or cooking class. And I tried even using MeetUp and all the groups were retired people looking to meet up and do activities. It seems hopeless for me.
Even the gym I go to is free through work, so no one is my age. All older. Its really tough.
Went ring shopping with my friend. Now she’s adamant he’s going to do it around the holidays coming up. I think my friend is nuts. I mean a year ago she met this guy, he broke up with her after a month. Claimed he had health issues, but he was out playing the field. His ex reached out to my friend letting her know they hooked up during this time. He only got back with her 7 months ago.
But it hurt hearing that. Now I’ll have one friend married, two engaged, one living in a house with her boyfriend. I always feel odd man out. Always. It kills me inside.
I want to get married. To the right person. But getting to do all the fun stuff to plan a wedding, save for a home. Move in together. I’m so far removed from that.
I think I feel like …jeez when is my time. I’ve done everything right in my life. Got the education, the good job, the nice pad, great family, and cannot find one good man. People tell me I’m a catch. I have a great head on my shoulders. Guys are even intimidated of me. But then why is it so hard to find one?
Liz Lemon
Have you posted here before? Your post sounds extremely similar to someone who posted here a couple weeks ago – she is the same age as you and posted about not being in a relationship, getting ghosted by men all the time, working with older people so not able to meet anyone, but otherwise having it all together etc. I ask because that poster had a very negative overall worldview and seemed determined to stay negative; no matter what advice she was given, she had a negative response to it (just like you do). We strongly encouraged that person to seek therapy. If you’re the same person, please go back and read those threads.
If you are not the same person, with all due respect, your pessimistic attitude seeps through your posts. You are not entitled to a relationship. None of us are. Some people are lucky enough to find a person they connect and build a life with, but not all of us do. You’re 28 years old, that’s very young. Some people don’t find true love until their 30s or 40s. Love is not something you can force, in fact, the more desperate and frantic you are about it, the more evasive it is. So focus less on what your friends have and more on trying to build a positive life for yourself. If going ring shopping with your friend is that upsetting to you, tell her you don’t want to go! Why put yourself through that if it’s going to “kill you inside”, as you so dramatically say.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. However there isn’t a magic wand that can be waved and *poof* your perfect relationship will appear. If you don’t like your life, change what you can. You write as if you’re some kind of helpless victim in this situation. Look for a new job if you feel that working with older people is a barrier; try different meetup groups if you’ve only met old people in the ones you attended. You can’t possibly only be surrounded by senior citizens!
If every single guy you’ve met online in the past year has ghosted you (this is what the other poster I mentioned complained about, which is why I think you’re the same person)– take a break from online dating & focus on yourself. Stop seeking a relationship for awhile. Or, ask a trusted girlfriend to review your dating profile and see if there are any huge red flags that you are missing; maybe you’re presenting yourself in a certain way and attracting the wrong guys. You say your friends all found their partners online, so it’s not online dating that’s the problem; to be blunt, it’s you. So you need to change yourself. Good luck and I really do wish you the best.
Rosita
I have not posted on here before. I guess I never saw how negative I am being.
My friends have made comments to me before that I’m bitter and think every man is bad. Maybe I am, but guys have hurt me. I haven’t been solely ghosted. Only a few times, but 9 out of 10 times its just not the right one. My friends go online, and the first person they meet and they end up happy, engaged, and content. Truthfully, my girl friends met the first person online and thats who they are with. In the last couple years I havd been on so many dates, I cannot even count how many. Haven’t met one winner.
Liz Lemon
I find it really, really hard to believe that ALL of your girlfriends wound up getting engaged to the 1st person they met online. Every single one? Statistically that sounds almost impossible.
But ok, let’s say it’s true. Let’s not talk about your girlfriends any more, let’s talk about you. You said you date online and “9 out of 10 times its just not the right one.” This is the nature of dating. Not just online dating, dating in general. It’s just how it is. It certainly was that way for me, and I’m sure almost all the posters on this site can attest to it as well. Forget your girlfriends, they are an anomaly! I’ve never heard of anyone getting engaged to the 1st person they met online, not to mention EVERYONE that someone knows getting engaged to the first person they met online. But ok, whatever.
Being bitter is only going to hinder your search for a relationship. You’re only hurting yourself. You won’t find a healthy, positive relationship if you’re not in a good mindset. I really suggest you take a step back from dating if you are in a bitter, desperate place. Maybe seek out some therapy to help you deal with these feelings you’re having?
Newbie
Being bitter wont help you. Plus youre having a good life a lot of people would trade for. Being with someone for the sole purpose of being with someone wont bring you happiness. So some things like meet up and the gym are not places to meet guys. Online dating didnt do it. Then stop and do something you like to do. Start doing that first. You act like your life is on hold somehow, but its not. And then think of ways to date that suit you. Could be going to more places guys to, ask your gf’s if they know single guys. Classes like photgraphy and oilpainting are really good for meeting people with a higher percentage of men doing that than for example aquarelpainting. If cooking makes you happy, do that. Get out your comfort zone where you lament how you are so great and dont have a man. That line of thinking will get you nowhere
Tallspicy
Healthy men do not want to date women with no life and whose whole life revolves around meeting someone. You do other things because you enjoy them. And because you are not a vessel of a relationship. You are a person, and you have a relationship. I do not mean to be unkind, but my guess is to a healthy man you come across as negative, needy and boring. My guess is you chase men either by vibe or by actions.
Men want joyful, playful vibrant people with interests and their own life. Go get one.
Also, my guess is you do not like yourself very much. People who like themselves do not get desperate to have someone.
T from NY
I have a different take on this. While I agree you definitely need to determine if you have a bitter attitude, because that would be a hinderance or being open to a good man — I don’t blame you whatsoever for feeling blue at times about being single, or feeling uncomfortable that you’re the only one single in your friend group. It absolutely sucks at times and I have found myself in the same position for over a year. I just feel like the advice given has been very harsh.
Of course you absolutely need to cultivate and practice gratitude for what you have, and I have worked INCREDIBLY hard at exercising my demons of insecurity, childhood traumas, resentments over past treatment of men and can honestly say that I am more at peace and happiness in my adult life as I’ve ever been. BUT even I get down when recently I was told I would not be able to bring a plus one to a friends wedding because plus one’s were only for committed couples! WTH? This friend also said there would literally only be 3 singles (that I don’t know) in attendance. (According to her RSVPs). So if I go – I get to attend this event alone, while my extended group of friends (5 of them are bringing partners) get to have men to slow dance with.
My point is not to start a thread about wedding etiquette. I just want to validate you that being single for a long period of time while ALL of your closest friends are paired up is difficult and can feel isolating. It’s completely OKAY to want to be in a relationship. People are being obtuse when they judge and patronize single people who want to be in a loving, sweet relationship. I also tried online dating and Meetups and had somewhat similar experiences. My recommendation would be to watch your attitude daily. Focus on the positives of your life. Accept what you have right now, try to glory in it as often as you can. Exercise is vital. Attend events you feel comfortable attending alone that interest you. (I’m going to a ballet in two weeks alone. I’m getting all dressed up lol).
Life gives us so much bounty. Be easy on you when you’re feeling down. See a therapist. Be the best you can be. There are plusses and minuses to be in or out of a relationship. It’s just about practicing balancing your emotions. Good luck. You’re not alone.
Kathy
Thank you T from NY for answering the OP the way you did. Everything you said is correct and spot on!
The other posters WERE being too harsh and judgmental.. Oh, how easy is it too judge other people when you’re not in their shoes…
Daisy
OP- this might sound a little extreme, but have you thought about moving to a new city? I did this about 10 years ago. Moved from a suburban area where there aren’t a lot of singles and not much to do, to a big city. My life really turned around for the better. Granted, I’m still single, but I made a ton of friends (some single, some not), and overall really started to feel happier and more fulfilled. I can totally relate to your current predicament, so maybe you should consider a change of scenery, if that’s feasible in your situation?
Rosita
I’m trying to move. I even thought across the country. I did think of this. New people, new life, new me. But I also feel like maybe I’m thinking this way as a means to run away thinking the grass is greener. I worry I will do all the work to move and I’ll end up in the same boat as I am now.
I love my job so much, so its hard to leave that too.
I considered moving to a new area, but still in work distance. I can’t afford to do that for another year and a half. I can’t afford anything before that. So I’m stuck.
I almost feel like an identity crisis of sorts. My life is boring. If you asked me about myself, I’d mention my job, my dog, my family. I truly can’t think of anything else. I work Monday to Friday. I come home, make dinner, and relax before bed. I’m tird from work. On the weekends I do errands, cleaning, cooking, nothing really.
I don’t have a lot of money. Its easy for people to say, get out, do activities, but most activities cost money.
Half of me also hates doing things alone, half of me fears for my safety doing things alone.
I see my friends and they do all these fun activities with boyfriends and I want that. Seeing holiday lights with a guy and not just my mom again year after year. Dinners out, movie nights in, cooking together, birthdays, vacations, holidays. I’m always alone.
T from NY
Rosita — now I can see why the other posters were being stern with you. It’s like you’re not reading what people are writing to you at all. And that’s sad because people are taking time to try and help. Your recent post shows you really need to seek a therapist and learn a practice of gratitude. A man is not gonna magically make you happy and it’s NOT FAIR to make your happiness and joy of life dependent on another human being.
Read your replies again. This is my last 2 cents. YOU are in charge of your own happiness.
Daisy
OP- just as you said, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And the same goes for being in a relationship. All your problems won’t be fixed by having a boyfriend. I think you need to first be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Why would you want your happiness to be dependent on someone else? Any boyfriend/fiancée/husband can leave at any time, and then what? You should want a boyfriend to complement your life, not BE your life. And as someone else mentioned earlier, it doesn’t come off as the most attractive to guys when you don’t seem to have any real interests of your own. Most guys I feel are leery of women who don’t have their own lives, in fear that they’ll be too clingy.
If you really wanted to find activities to do that don’t cost money, I’m sure you could find them, but it’s a matter of actually getting up and doing it, and not just making excuses why you can’t. You mention wanting a boyfriend to travel? Why not go solo and do a group tour where you’ll meet new people? You say you have a dog? Go find a local dog park and meet some fellow dog lovers. Maybe take some classes at a local college. I really feel like this is the perfect time for you to really figure out what brings you joy and pursue that. You’re still so young, and you’re wasting precious time being sad you don’t have a boyfriend.
Tallspicy
Things you can do from home that cost almost nothing that you can talk about: music, movies, books, crafts, meditate, documentaries, magazines, photography. That is without even trying. Your attitude is your biggest barrier right now. All of those things give you something to talk about.
When I was bored in my life, I started a blog. It turned everything into an experience. Even in a city I did not like.
The reality is you bring you to everywhere you go. You can choose happy. You are not.
The reality is a relationship is only as strong as your love for yourself. With your attitude, the best man could want to love you and you will sabotage it.
If you have coverage, you may want to do a few therapy sessions just to fresh you up.
There is no magical dating place. Find you, and you will find him.
I know it feels endless and that is why it is important to chose your attitude. You only have one life. Would you want to get hit by a bus, with this as the end. That is really what it comes down to.
Sorry to be harsh, but please please please wake up and live your life!
I say that from visiting London where I am taking 5 day on my own holiday, I date when I am here, and the men want to try long distance – not because of anything other than I am fun in my own life. You can do that too. It is not magical.
Anderson
Maybe we’ll play a thought exercise, Rosita.
What if I told you that there’s a secret lottery system out there for “finding love.” If a girl doesn’t win, she won’t find a boyfriend she loves no matter how smart, pretty, kind, kinky etc she may be. She could try all sorts of things and she still wouldn’t get one. The system was forged in the depths of a dying star. It’s divine *cough*
Turns out, you didn’t win. Sorry. It’s nothing personal, all the names were picked on random.
Take a moment to accept this harsh reality.
Now tell me, knowing this, how would you live your life and what things would you do differently?
Lane
I think the problem you have is that you look at the world more materialistically than reality based.
Men don’t look at women like women do, they are much more narrow minded when it comes to physical attraction, a must, add in her personality (energy, wit, charm, etc.) that makes his stomach flutter when in her presence, then there’s at least a spark to ignite the romantic flame. He doesn’t care what her job is, how much she likes her job, whether she has a degree or not as those are superficial/vain, whereas if a lady is super happy slinging some coffee and one is miserable sitting in a posh office, most men will be attracted to the coffee slinger because of the energy she exudes outward.
I am a natural *people watcher* where I take particular notice as to how people are drawn to one and not another. For instance, the other day as I was running errands, I stopped in at a bar/grill to grab a quick lunch before tackling all my tasks when I returned to my business. There were two ladies at the bar and about six guys doing the same, grabbing some lunch, or playing hookey lol. One was about 30ish, pretty, and wearing her nurses uniform. The other was about late 50ish, not pretty with no make up, and wearing regular garb. Guess who all the men were talking to??? Not the nurse! Why? Because the nurse had her face buried in her phone and gave off this “non touchable” vibe. The older lady exuded energy, was talking, laughing and above all OPEN to meeting people which is what attracted the men around her, especially one who was closer to her age and could tell was super keen as he was trying to block the others and steal her time lol.
What I’m trying to say is that your friends have qualities that attract men and it has nothing to do with their looks, job or status in life but how they connect with people in a way that attracts them to the point they want to integrate themselves into each others life.
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