What to think of this messy situation?

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sensy 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #783324 Reply


    Sorry, this is rather long and complicated. I’ve been in a relationship with a man which was very passionate, but also quite stormy at times. I experience him as being easily offended and having double standards. This has annoyed me, but I’ve been willing to see past this as he has so many other great qualities. One thing that has often come up is our way of keeping in touch. We’ve been long distance for a while, which hasn’t helped the situation.

    He spent Christmas visiting friends overseas. When he travels he likes to be offline a lot and to be on his own. Despite this, he kept in touch with me as he knew I would appreciate it a lot. I had the impression that he enjoyed it too. At first things were great. We kept in daily contact. I know from the past that he pays attention to when I read his messages and how soon I respond. He says it’s about me making him a priority. This can be a bit stressful at times, because he has gone silent on me for days in the past if he felt I didn’t reply fast enough or with too less affection.

    What has frustrated me is I feel like different rules apply to me than to him. In the past he’s been upset with me if I call 5 minutes late or if I can’t talk to him or need to cut it short because I’m busy. This Christmas Eve, he sent me a message to say that he would be ringing his mum then call me if this was ok for me. It was not a good time for me, but I tried to be accommodating as we were in different time zones and I didn’t expect him to ring at all. He didn’t get back to me until 6-7 hours later, when it was in the middle of the night with me, and I was already asleep. Another time I sat aside a whole evening because we were going to talk, and I didn’t hear from him until the next morning. He just said that his phone ran out of battery because he took so many photos. A couple of other times I wanted to keep it short -one hour in this case- because I was sick with a cold and then at a dinner party. On both occasions he just continued to talk despite picking up on the fact that I was stressed.

    The last bit of his vacation, he was very busy traveling, and told me he wouldn’t have time to talk on the phone, which I was totally fine with. He still sent me messages though, and I replied to all of them. It would sometimes take days for him to read my messages even if I only wrote one or two lines. I was fine with this as I knew he was busy, and I kept the messages short and sweet. Last leg of his trip he said I would probably not hear from him for a few days until after he got home and was rid of the jetlag. He would send me occasional updates if he had WiFi. I was ok with this and made my own plans.

    The minute he was back though, he said we should talk the same night. I already had plans that evening visiting a friend, but rang him despite this. We talked for an hour, and he wanted to continue despite knowing I was on a visit. He sent me a message after this saying he was disappointed that our contact had gradually decreased over the course of his travels and that he didn’t feel like a priority. He wanted to talk about it over the phone in peace without time constraints.

    I suggested a few times, but he was not free to talk those times. He told me to send him a message this Saturday which time would be good for him to ring me. He made a point that he wanted to ring as it’s often been me ringing him in the past. He said it would be good if I could give him a flexible time frame so he could find a time that suited him as well. I sent him a message in the morning suggesting we could talk after I’d finished work in the early afternoon. As he’d told me he was busy in the evening, I’d made plans then too. He didn’t read my message until the early evening. I was a bit agitated as again, I’d kept the afternoon free to talk to him, and he hadn’t even read my message until late because he was out cycling and shopping.

    The phone talk went badly. He wanted me to address his hurt that he doesn’t feel like a priority and why my messages has been shorter and less frequent lately. I told him that I just simply adjusted to him being busy and that I thought he was ok with it, as he sometimes took days to read what I’d written to him. He then said that I was not owning up to the hurt I caused him and only pointing my finger back at him. I tried to explain that when he seems busy anyway, I send less messages too. He wasn’t having any of it, saying I’m not reliable and that he suffered from it. How he didn’t even want to keep in touch while traveling, but did so anyway just for me. How challenging it had been for him to make time for it and how he originally would have preferred to be on his own just enjoying the vacation.

    This made it boil over for me and I just couldn’t hold back my frustration. We had to hung up because I had to go, as I was already running late for my appointment. He wanted to continue talking the next day. I’d already made plans to go the movies, but said that we could talk after my shift was finished. He wasn’t happy with this, as he didn’t want us to have any fixed time and time constraints. He said I acted like a president who was too important to make time for him. I said I just didn’t want to sit around another day and wait for him to call, so I made plans and I intended to keep them.

    The end result is, we hung up and he said he was deeply hurt by me and would have troubles sleeping. I said I was tired of him making himself out to be the victim and not seeing that it was a two way street. He replied that he is indeed a victim of my selfish ways. That he’s too good natured and that people always take advantage of it. He tried to say some loving things in the end, but I was so frustrated at this point and told him I needed to cool off. Later that night, I wrote a nice message to him where I apologized for losing my temper. At the same time I was going to send it, I got a voice message from him, where he dumped me. He said he wanted to do it over the phone, but that I seemed too busy to talk the next day and he didn’t want to wait to say it. He said that he needs to protect himself from me and the hurt I cause him. That I need therapy and that he’ll never forgive me for the way I spoke to him.

    He’s broken up with me once before, and he’s also given silent treatment or broken off contact for a certain period of time from his friends, even from his mum one time. But after a while, he comes back like nothing has happened and is back to being super nice. It seems like he sees me and others as all good or all bad. I messaged him asking if we could have a talk over the phone, but he’s completely ignoring me. He hasn’t blocked me though.

    I have his apartment key and many of my things in his apartment, including a brand new laptop. I’m keen to at least get my things back next time I’m in his home town, but I can’t even get a hold of him. I think it’s very immature for a man that is over 50. What to think of him and this situation? Is it weird that I’m really sad about it, despite all this mess? Or should I be happy he’s gone?

    #783326 Reply


    Dear lord, you write all that and you cant see what a totally over the top controlling moping, drama queening, unreasonable manchild clown this is? I would have left him in the dust a long time ago. As far as the stuff, try to get it back but if you left in there in another city you probably dont need it that bad. And that guy is 50. Man im stunned what people put up with and still think its something they did themselves

    #783329 Reply

    Better off single

    Wild horses can’t be tamed? He wants to travel alone. He wants to be free, the only thing you can do is let him go and see if he comes back.

    He broke up projecting is issues at you as the excuse of a break up.

    #783330 Reply


    This guy is behaving like this and he’s over 50? DUMP. Yesterday. Permanently and don’t look back. This guy is a world class whiner and manipulator. Seriously, this is not adult behavior, he sounds like a 10 year old. There are not enough “good qualities” to overcome this.

    #783335 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Are you in a LDR? Why do you only speak over the phone and never in person? I’m not talking about while he was traveling, I mean since he’s been back. I can’t get a sense of how often you actually see each other. From what you have written, you only communicate via telephone or message, not face to face.

    And I agree with what’s been said, that your boyfriend sounds unreasonable, manipulative, and controlling. Especially at his age, he shouldn’t be acting this way and saying the things you describe– he sounds like a teenager. It just sounds like he’s a lot of drama for someone who wants to take extended trips without you, and you never seem to see each other in person.

    #783336 Reply


    Agree with Newbie and K. Controlling and manipulative.

    #783339 Reply


    I was also thinking he’s borderline narcissistic or an actual narcissist. It’s ALL about him. And you’re playing right along. Please Stacy – you’ve done nothing wrong that you need to apologize for. You deserve a lot better and without him in the picture I”m sure you’ll meet the right man.

    #783343 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    I don’t even know the guy & I’m tired of him!!..

    #783365 Reply


    Thank you so much for all the feedback guys! Yes, we’ve been in LDR most of our time together, but we lived together for two months. We’ve seen each other frequently though, and spent most holidays together, this Christmas was an exception. We’ve always been good at sorting out or differences in person. The worst arguments we’ve had has been over the phone. He wanted me to relocate to move in with him this winter and talked about proposing to me in spring, and start trying for kids after the proposal. This argument we just had is one of the very few during our relationship where I lost my temper and stood my ground. I wish I could say that I’m done with him, but I’m still sad about it.

    #783366 Reply


    If you argued your side in good faith and you are still “sad about it” I would pinpoint to manipulation. There is something off with this guy.

    #783384 Reply


    Let me get this straight..the man who wants you to move to him and start trying to have babies with him broke up with you in a voicemail because he was hurt you were sending less messages and he didn’t feel like a priority. This is a man who didn’t even want to stay in touch with you on his vacation!! He expected to say you wouldn’t hear from him for a few days but expected you to continue to send him messages? Messages he didn’t even plan to respond to? You talked to him for an hour the night he got back despite being over a friend’s visiting.  I think that’s quite rude by the way and my husband when we were dating would never have expected me to do that! Your guy is controlling and manipulative. He expects to do and acts as he please yet you are to be at his beck and call and jump when he says jump or he won’t feel like a priority and will break up with you!! You like to say he’s passionate and a bit stormy and romanticize this. But in reality he wants to control your behavior yet do as he pleases. You say he gets easily offended, say he has double standards, continue to bend over backwards for him and he doesn’t have to do a thing. You are jumping through hoops to accomodate a 50 year old baby!! Imagine if you did have a child with him and he no longer felt like a priority because you were taking care of a newborn! Imagine this man walking out on you with a newborn baby and you will see the universe did you a favor with this one. Don’t IGNORE it!! 

    #783391 Reply


    Gosh this sounds like a similar post from last week.
    In any case let this go.
    HE is not mature enough for a serious relationship.

    Too much drama and manipulation going on here.

    #783396 Reply


    Yeah khadija, when the kids and moving in was mentioned i also had a flash back of the guy pushing for kids. Im afraid its the same poster and if it is, she really has no sense of what a good man looks like. Not this guy and not the other guy. I find it so sad that women who are young with plenty of options manouver themselves in these aweful relationships

    #783421 Reply

    ANM Staff

    Mod update: Yeah. Khadija called it. Same person.

    OP, we appreciate that you’ve reached-out to the community for advice, but it’s important to keep a consistent pseudonym between topics. Otherwise, people will think that you’re a different person than the one who posted before. Out of respect for the time and emotional energy that the community spends in their responses, please stick with the same name so people know that you’ve posted before.

    Best wishes for your future!

    #783437 Reply


    Since its the same man, its clear now why his kids and ex dont want anything to do with him.
    Camilla/jenny, i am really worried for you. You dont seem to see very well what a manipulative guy this is, and thats one of his least bad character traits. You act like you have Stockholm syndrome with this man: you know where kidnapped people fall In love with their kidnappers. If youre stuck on this man, you will ruin your life while you have the perfect chance to get away from him. The fact that you are hooked is alarming and a good reason to go find a therapist to look deeper why you do this to yourself. Its been seen here over and over that women who do that, have very little believe that they are deserving of being loved. But thats all in their head and not true. Break away from your own prison

    #783654 Reply


    Love Lafrance’s response!!!

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