What to do if you find out he has a serious girlfriend


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This topic contains 48 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Darlean 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #490816 Reply

    Jo

    Boy, do I feel STUPID. Been dating someone casually (but still) for over a year and find out he has a girlfriend just now. Can’t believe I fell for all of his LIES.

    Warning ladies…if a guys says he doesn’t want a relationship it could very well mean he IS in a relationship. Never met a better liar in my whole life.

    Just wanted to vent…GRRRR!

    So, do I tell the girlfriend? Would you? People have differing opinions…

    GAD this sucks.

    Jo

    #490821 Reply

    Jules

    I would be torn about this too.

    On one hand, if I was the girlfriend I would want to know that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. But of course there are plenty of girls who won’t believe someone in your position. He’ll probably frame you as some desperate girl he blew off and now you’re trying to ruin his life. Which brings me to…

    On the other hand, inserting yourself any further into his life will most likely cause unnecessary drama for you and draw out this already painful experience.

    Maybe others can offer more pro’s and con’s.

    #490828 Reply

    Cynthia

    I, unfortunately, found myself in the same position a couple years ago but we weren’t casually dating, had been “exclusively” dating… met the family, talk of marriage (by him, I don’t plan on ever marrying again), etc only to find out he was essentially living with another woman whom he’d been involved with for years. the lies were unimaginable, even went so far as to rent a small apartment he only stayed at when I went to visit (we were a couple hours away from each other!

    I ended up contacting the other woman and I’m so glad I did. She was clueless as well and completely shocked to learn about me. We are still friendly and this all happened a couple years ago. Ironically her name was Jo :). I know a lot of people say not to but if it were me I’d want to know. Not everyone is as open and, yes, she might not believe you but I feel it’s the right thing to do.

    #490837 Reply

    Jo

    Thanks all. More responses please… I am so torn. Cynthia… I would want to know too. I can’t believer your story. Geesh! I’m sorry you had to go through that.

    Of course I checked out her FB page and she is so in love with this guy. I can’t tell if they are married but they might be. If they are…he hooked up with me right after…This women is going to be so crushed. But I bet I’m not the only one… Right? I am grateful that I am not her bc she built a life around this loser.

    I just can’t believe it. I thought he was a stand up guy. Honestly believed every word.

    #490868 Reply

    caetru

    If it helps you with your decision, if I were the woman being cheated on, I would want to know too. If she doesn’t believe you, at least she may start seeing red flags that she was missing before. Think about how much more she will be hurt if she finds out years down the road. I hope to never find myself in this situation, I would be torn as to what to do also.

    #490872 Reply

    Hannah

    I would tell her. My sister was in this situation sort of. The girlfriend of 5 years found out about my sister and contacted her. She was very pleased she did! She may not believe you. If you have evidence, that will help. What she belives is up to her, but she is probably a nice person who shouldn’t be wasting her life on this man. Don’t do it for revenge but to help the girlfriend know exactly who she’s in love with.

    #490878 Reply

    WaitWhat

    If I were the woman I’d want to know. However, I will share a story of a friend of mine. This happened within the last year. She’d been dating someone for 8 months and they were exclusive. She found out through his brother’s FB page that 1) he was married and 2) his wife had had a baby 7 months before. So after they’d been dating for 1 month.

    My friend contacted the wife and told her. My friend shared all the evidence she had and the wife was thankful and verified they hadn’t been separated or getting a divorce. The wife confronted the husband about it and then he killed himself. It was a horrible situation all around. I mean, what a coward… having a wife and baby at home, and then leading on my friend and lying to everyone only to kill himself??? My friend was pretty screwed up about it.

    Obviously this is a very extreme situation. And nobody should ever feel badly about being honest. But it was very complicated and my friend really struggled.

    #490884 Reply

    Hannah

    Waitwhat wow what a nightmare. I will say anyone attempting an affair is in an unhappy place. It wouldn’t happen they weren’t. Quite often they don’t see a clear way out and do act cowardly. Instead of looking to solve their problems or accept them, they look for a distraction in someone else. Something that makes them feel temporarily better. I can see if how all that fell apart, for some people, where would there be left to go?

    I know other people who have done the same with money. Lived a lavish life and then been hit by a financial crash. They haven’t told their families about it, just been unable to cope with the persona being unveiled as a lie and committed suicide.

    It’s very sad.

    #490889 Reply

    Amy S

    Hi you know before I would have said leave the other woman out and dont get involved but now you know what im thinking maybe if we all stood together against these douchebags and put it out there then they would maybe think twice. I was in a relationship and I sometimes had niggles that something might have been off but I never knew if this was insecurity or a gut feeling. If a girl had came to me I would have believed her and been grateful. So maybe its time these idiots started getting a comeuppance. x

    #490904 Reply

    MnMs

    I would tell the girlfriend, otherwise you are complicit in his crime.

    If I were the girlfriend of course I would hate to know the truth, but I know that if I were to get over the break up and look back I’d be grateful I was told.

    Also, he deserves to lose his relationship over this. He deserves to have the sh*t hit the fan and get caught out! Don’t let men get away with this kind of thing! I’d get revenge on this guy so hard and be glad when he’d then turn around and be angry at me for telling the truth, these liars and cheaters deserve whatever bad happens to them.

    #490917 Reply

    g

    It is amazing, though, how many women you get that DON’T want to know these things and will very much adopt a “shoot the messenger/other woman” approach. I remember this being a topic of conversation in another forum a couple of years back, I remember, because I asked the question of “Would you want to know?” (I wasn’t directly involved in a situation but knew of something that was happening).

    The opinion was overwhelmingly in favor of “I’d rather not know”. Followed by, “Why would you want to tell her and wreck their relationship?”

    It was interesting how the person who was toying with the idea of telling the long-term, pregnant G/F (for her own sake) about his cheating was being vilified as the “bad guy” but the guy cheating didn’t even have any negative comments passed upon him.

    It’s a very sticky and unpleasant situation all round.

    #490934 Reply

    Maria

    I agree that as a woman I would want to know if my guy was cheating, but if I were the “other” woman I would not want to cause any harm. If there are kids involved, you’d be ruining more than one life. If he is a regular cheater, it would probably come out eventually, but let it not be me who’d ruin things for so many people.

    Some women don’t want to know because otherwise the relationship could be good, there is no intimacy or attraction anymore, but they get along well, they are friends, partners. If he cheats and you do’t know about it, well, it is as if it never happened, but you have a partner and your life is stable and comfortable. So many men cheat.

    If you are in doubt, then you probably should listen to this feeling.

    #490935 Reply

    Jo

    Thanks all. I am still very torn about this. I am not a vengeful person. I would only tell this woman out of compassion for her. And I would wait until the new year. I don’t want to be the grinch who stole Christmas either. Honestly I am more heart broken for than me.

    Every lie is like a loop playing in my head. Am I this gullible? Stupid? Asked him repeatedly if there was someone else. Even ended the relationship a few times bc he was bringing his A game. Again, more lies for the biggest sucker to ever buy the biggest bridge in Brooklyn.

    Thanks for your responses. They ease my pain.

    #490937 Reply

    Mary Beth

    Don’t feel bad and blame yourself! These were HIS poor decisions, not yours. If I were the gf, I would want to know. Just make sure that when/if you do tell her, you do it in a non confrontational way. Best of luck! :)

    #490964 Reply

    Andrea

    I would just walk away. The more you have yourself involved in this, the more you will get hurt. He will do everything to hurt your feelings once you tell his girlfriend. So why make your life harder when it is already so difficult at this moment?

    As for his girlfriend, she may already know someting. If after a year she hasn’t sensed anything yet, that means he is protecting her very well and you can assume he cares about her, so you don’t need to worry about her.

    #490972 Reply

    Leigh

    I am so sorry you had to face this. Yes, it is a tuff decision because she might blame you. You know how us women can get and she could be a psycho after him saying to her “she (you) is a stalker from years ago”… sorry. Just trying to envision the scenario.

    How did you find out?

    #490977 Reply

    Jessica

    I would want to know if I were her – you may not have been the first, and you may not be the last.

    One of my best friends was in a relationship with a guy for over 10 years – they lived long distance for a lot of it due to school and their careers. She found out (right after they’d broken up because he’d dropped out of one too many get togethers and her birthday was the last straw) – that he’d been dating other women all along and had just gotten married. He’d been dating one other woman the whole time – they’d actually been living together for a couple of years while my friend was still with him. This is a guy that flew across the country to come to my wedding with her – they were serious by all accounts. But it wasn’t just those two – there were a couple of other women as well. I think he was dating three women at times. He was also embezzling money from his employer and other business associates. The reason she found out is because a lawyer called her to ask about money he’d given her.

    So….yeah, I would want to know.

    #490986 Reply

    Jenna

    If I were her, I would definitely want to know. My best friend was in a similar situation with a married guy. He had two young children under the age of 4. He even went as far to tell my friend that he was divorcing her (he never had intentions to). His wife had leukemia to make it worse and he was cheating with 3 other women as well. My friend went as far as screen shotting the text exchanges that she had with the guy (some included naked pictures and his responses) and sending them to his wife. She was hurt. VERY hurt, but thankful. Needless to say the wife is now living with her mother and they guy is paying $2,500 in child support a month plus alimony fees due to his ex- wife’s illness and not being able to work. Its a bad situation all around. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, but you may be doing her a favor. If your guy isn’t married to her you may save her a future divorce, illegitimate children, and/or STDs. (just stating possibilities, not meant to be harsh) It can only get worse for her from here. As for you, I would stop all contact with him. Take this as a lesson learned and watch for signs so this doesn’t happen again.

    #490990 Reply

    JennyBee

    Ooooo, tough situation. So sorry that happened to you. I actually heard a podcast about this situation a while ago. A woman had been dating a man and discovered she was the “other woman.” She broke it off but the dilemma was to tell the girlfriend or not. The questions to ask would be why are you doing telling on him? Is it because you feel responsibility for a woman you have never met? It will only serve to cause her grief. Is it to “punish” him? The relationship between you and this man is over. What purpose would it serve to get involved in someone’s else’s relationship when there is really not a reason for you to do so if you do not know his girlfriend? I can’t remember exactly the advice, but I believe the gist of it was no, not to get involved. Cut ties with him and move on.

    That being said, personally, I *think* I would want to know. I was cheated on in the past and found out from one of my best friends. Turned out my other “friends” knew but chose not to tell me. I felt hurt because the people I trusted didn’t look out for me. However, not sure how I would have taken it if a stranger had contacted me out of the blue and told me.

    #490992 Reply

    Mae

    Jo,

    I’m going to contradict every other reply here and advise you to NOT contact the girlfriend. Exit the situation gracefully with your dignity in tact. Why shouldn’t you tell her?

    1) You don’t know her; she’s not your best friend or connected to you in any way.
    2) It’s not like it was an affair and you knew about it all along; you don’t owe anyone anything.
    3) Why is your responsibility? This is on him. Let him do the dirty work. In a way, telling her would be helping him “save face” for what would eventually be revealed.

    I get the whole “woman to woman” respect thing. But given the circumstances, especially the fact that you did not know, any communication you have with this woman could be construed as jealousy. You run the risk of creating a “love triangle” drama, and having her lash out at you, no matter your approach. In my experience with these things, women hate women first. Then, when and IF they realize the truth, they’ll have enough sense to leave the cheating man.

    Not your cross to bear. Onto greener pastures. You are not immoral for exiting the situation.

    #491002 Reply

    Jo

    Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments and advice. Gratitude! It’s sad that this happens. So sad for all.

    I found out in an odd way. I thought he blocked me which he did and denied and I saw her name on a social media account. Just random as if it were divine intervention. I did some investigating and bam!

    I feel so violated…party to a crime I never wanted to commit. This guy must be a sociopath.

    #491005 Reply

    MB

    I have had this happen to me except I was the girl friend and I was sooooo glad to find out.
    I felt empowered by the knowledge I had to leave him.
    That being said…. I was written an anonymous email. Something along the lines of you seem like a great girl – and i think you have every right to know you are being lied to. You are not the only person in your bfs life and I think you have the right to know as I believe hes led you onto think otherwise.
    I was in total disbelief but really appreciated it.
    I didnt respond to the email as I wanted to hear the rest from my “partner” and confronted him with “I know. I wont tell you how much but I know” and let him fill in all the details.

    After our confrontation I got a really sincere email from the girl he was “dating/having an affair with” what ever you want to call it.

    She had no clue about me. And we all moved onwards and upwards to better things…
    However which way you decide to go about it, I think its fair to release people from a trap….But thats just me.

    #491007 Reply

    Kara

    I would suggest simply letting it go.

    Learn from this. It sounds from what you wrote, you had to ask him several times if he was with someone and even contemplated breaking things off. That suggests to me that you DID have a gut feeling or other evidence that he was probably at least seeing another woman.

    In retrospect, it’s very rare to not see what was ignored or excused off. My bet is that this really isn’t that big of a surprise.

    You know nothing about their relationship so I would stay out of it. I’m not excusing cheating, however, I have seen more than one woman post on here about having affairs and not wanting to be judged. In many cases the same women putting this man down are the ones asking to be kind to these women because the woman is in a bad relationship.

    Everyone has their reasons. And since you only know in brevity about her through social media, it’s only going to make you look bad reaching out to her.

    #491008 Reply

    Maria

    My goodness, someone actually sent incriminating pictures to a woman fighting leukemia? People have no mercy. I can’t imagine what kind of stress she had to go through fighting for her life and then this..she was glad to find out, I am sure, but all the stress cannot be undone.

    #491013 Reply

    Amy S

    Oh my I agree. I would inform the wife or gf if I saw fit but not if they were pregnant or seriously ill, thats the last thing they deserve. Shame on the men if u can even call them that , that are able to cheat on a pregnant or seriously ill gf. Lowest of the low but karma doesnt miss a trick. x

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