What to do if you find out he has a serious girlfriend

I, unfortunately, found myself in the same position a couple years ago but we weren’t casually dating, had been “exclusively” dating… met the family, talk of marriage (by him, I don’t plan on ever marrying again), etc only to find out he was essentially living with another woman whom he’d been involved with for years. the lies were unimaginable, even went so far as to rent a small apartment he only stayed at when I went to visit (we were a couple hours away from each other!

I ended up contacting the other woman and I’m so glad I did. She was clueless as well and completely shocked to learn about me. We are still friendly and this all happened a couple years ago. Ironically her name was Jo :). I know a lot of people say not to but if it were me I’d want to know. Not everyone is as open and, yes, she might not believe you but I feel it’s the right thing to do.

If it helps you with your decision, if I were the woman being cheated on, I would want to know too. If she doesn’t believe you, at least she may start seeing red flags that she was missing before. Think about how much more she will be hurt if she finds out years down the road. I hope to never find myself in this situation, I would be torn as to what to do also.

If I were the woman I’d want to know. However, I will share a story of a friend of mine. This happened within the last year. She’d been dating someone for 8 months and they were exclusive. She found out through his brother’s FB page that 1) he was married and 2) his wife had had a baby 7 months before. So after they’d been dating for 1 month.

My friend contacted the wife and told her. My friend shared all the evidence she had and the wife was thankful and verified they hadn’t been separated or getting a divorce. The wife confronted the husband about it and then he killed himself. It was a horrible situation all around. I mean, what a coward… having a wife and baby at home, and then leading on my friend and lying to everyone only to kill himself??? My friend was pretty screwed up about it.

Obviously this is a very extreme situation. And nobody should ever feel badly about being honest. But it was very complicated and my friend really struggled.

Hi you know before I would have said leave the other woman out and dont get involved but now you know what im thinking maybe if we all stood together against these douchebags and put it out there then they would maybe think twice. I was in a relationship and I sometimes had niggles that something might have been off but I never knew if this was insecurity or a gut feeling. If a girl had came to me I would have believed her and been grateful. So maybe its time these idiots started getting a comeuppance. x

It is amazing, though, how many women you get that DON’T want to know these things and will very much adopt a “shoot the messenger/other woman” approach. I remember this being a topic of conversation in another forum a couple of years back, I remember, because I asked the question of “Would you want to know?” (I wasn’t directly involved in a situation but knew of something that was happening).

The opinion was overwhelmingly in favor of “I’d rather not know”. Followed by, “Why would you want to tell her and wreck their relationship?”

It was interesting how the person who was toying with the idea of telling the long-term, pregnant G/F (for her own sake) about his cheating was being vilified as the “bad guy” but the guy cheating didn’t even have any negative comments passed upon him.

It’s a very sticky and unpleasant situation all round.

Thanks all. I am still very torn about this. I am not a vengeful person. I would only tell this woman out of compassion for her. And I would wait until the new year. I don’t want to be the grinch who stole Christmas either. Honestly I am more heart broken for than me.

Every lie is like a loop playing in my head. Am I this gullible? Stupid? Asked him repeatedly if there was someone else. Even ended the relationship a few times bc he was bringing his A game. Again, more lies for the biggest sucker to ever buy the biggest bridge in Brooklyn.

Thanks for your responses. They ease my pain.

I would just walk away. The more you have yourself involved in this, the more you will get hurt. He will do everything to hurt your feelings once you tell his girlfriend. So why make your life harder when it is already so difficult at this moment?

As for his girlfriend, she may already know someting. If after a year she hasn’t sensed anything yet, that means he is protecting her very well and you can assume he cares about her, so you don’t need to worry about her.

I would want to know if I were her – you may not have been the first, and you may not be the last.

One of my best friends was in a relationship with a guy for over 10 years – they lived long distance for a lot of it due to school and their careers. She found out (right after they’d broken up because he’d dropped out of one too many get togethers and her birthday was the last straw) – that he’d been dating other women all along and had just gotten married. He’d been dating one other woman the whole time – they’d actually been living together for a couple of years while my friend was still with him. This is a guy that flew across the country to come to my wedding with her – they were serious by all accounts. But it wasn’t just those two – there were a couple of other women as well. I think he was dating three women at times. He was also embezzling money from his employer and other business associates. The reason she found out is because a lawyer called her to ask about money he’d given her.

So….yeah, I would want to know.

Ooooo, tough situation. So sorry that happened to you. I actually heard a podcast about this situation a while ago. A woman had been dating a man and discovered she was the “other woman.” She broke it off but the dilemma was to tell the girlfriend or not. The questions to ask would be why are you doing telling on him? Is it because you feel responsibility for a woman you have never met? It will only serve to cause her grief. Is it to “punish” him? The relationship between you and this man is over. What purpose would it serve to get involved in someone’s else’s relationship when there is really not a reason for you to do so if you do not know his girlfriend? I can’t remember exactly the advice, but I believe the gist of it was no, not to get involved. Cut ties with him and move on.

That being said, personally, I *think* I would want to know. I was cheated on in the past and found out from one of my best friends. Turned out my other “friends” knew but chose not to tell me. I felt hurt because the people I trusted didn’t look out for me. However, not sure how I would have taken it if a stranger had contacted me out of the blue and told me.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments and advice. Gratitude! It’s sad that this happens. So sad for all.

I found out in an odd way. I thought he blocked me which he did and denied and I saw her name on a social media account. Just random as if it were divine intervention. I did some investigating and bam!

I feel so violated…party to a crime I never wanted to commit. This guy must be a sociopath.

I would suggest simply letting it go.

Learn from this. It sounds from what you wrote, you had to ask him several times if he was with someone and even contemplated breaking things off. That suggests to me that you DID have a gut feeling or other evidence that he was probably at least seeing another woman.

In retrospect, it’s very rare to not see what was ignored or excused off. My bet is that this really isn’t that big of a surprise.

You know nothing about their relationship so I would stay out of it. I’m not excusing cheating, however, I have seen more than one woman post on here about having affairs and not wanting to be judged. In many cases the same women putting this man down are the ones asking to be kind to these women because the woman is in a bad relationship.

Everyone has their reasons. And since you only know in brevity about her through social media, it’s only going to make you look bad reaching out to her.

Oh my I agree. I would inform the wife or gf if I saw fit but not if they were pregnant or seriously ill, thats the last thing they deserve. Shame on the men if u can even call them that , that are able to cheat on a pregnant or seriously ill gf. Lowest of the low but karma doesnt miss a trick. x