What is a classy way to say "Get over yourself!"


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  • #371124 Reply
    GeeGee

    Hi. This is my first time posting but I read these forums every night and I feel like I know some of you :)

    Anyway…I have been dating a guy for over 5 months. Started out great(don’t they all lol) then he tells me that he can not get more serious bc he has major financial issues and he is depressed. Now, I know he was having issues and I know that he was down but it takes zero dollars to come hang out with me and watch a movie so I knew it was a bunch’a bull! After this I stopped all contact but answered when he initiated. He then started to initiate almost every hour (through text). Through some of those texts we would end up in little spats literally about nothing (for example me saying that I’m on my way to a bar that he likes and I hate, AS A JOKE).

    Because of that joke he proceeds to send me a text that says that is why he could never see himself in a relationship with me and that I’m always drama and negative (apparently he can not take a joke lol). So I said that I already knew he was not seeing a future with me and that he didn’t have to make up the excuse that he was broke and depressed if he wanted to end things. Then he got even more mad at me and said he was telling the truth. Ok. Whatever…lol So I told him that he already told me he didn’t see a future with me and I saw no reason to talk. He replied “Thank God.” He always had these kind of rude, cocky responses after an argument. I ended conversation and did not respond when he set me a text 4 hours later about a burger lol Then he called me the next night, I did not answer. The he texted me and asked me how was my weekend. I just responded “great!” And he texted me all day today and just called me (he got a new job starting Friday). I’m honestly so turned off by his arrogance, I’m so over it. He never owns responsibility for his part of the arguments (I do frequently admit my wrong doings) he just tries to start a conversation a day later as if nothing happens and then when I want to talk about what happened I’m being “negative” or “drama”.

    After all that…. lol my question is how do I say “get over yourself, I’m over it” with class? Or do I ignore him? Or tell him I his arrogance pushed me away? I really do not care about talking to him anymore but I don’t believe in making people feel like s h I t, even if they deserve it. Thanks in advance ladies!

    #371127 Reply
    Stefanie

    Nothing says I’m over it like… silence.

    #371128 Reply
    Bedazzle

    The reason he gave you for not moving the relationship forward is most likely true. If a man does not have his life together, he has a very difficult time being in a relationship. Men are driven by their purpose/career and will almost always chose that first over a relationship. That is just how they are wired. They are wired to provide and protect, if they don’t have that together, they don’t have much to give to a woman.

    I would say that texting is about the worst way to have a conversation, especially when you don’t know someone. As you have clearly noticed things get out of hand very easy, especially around humor. My guess is that you are still a bit peeved about his “fake” (as you consider it) reason for not moving things forward. That probably comes out in your texting with him and your possible misunderstanding of what he is writing. I say that because if you think his reason for not moving forward is BS, you don’t understand the fundamental ticking of a man, and from there have probably misunderstood his “humor”. Joking tends to be a way of flirting, although he may be really bad at it.

    If you are that turned off, then just stop interacting with him. Class is about who you are, not the words you say.

    #371181 Reply
    GeeGee

    Hi Guys! Thanks for your replies! Bedazzle I do admit that I was really confused about the financial situation thing. I posted on a men’s forum and their responses were right down the middle. Some said as you did but then others said it was BS and provided examples in their lives. That made me even more confused but that is the reason I still answered him when he texted me (bc I was not sure what to believe).

    But then when he comes up with a list of things about why he couldn’t move forward with me (after a silly joke, which was very obvious it was a joke bc he jokes the exact same way) I became convinced that that list was the real reason as to why he didn’t want to move forward. btw, he came up with the reasons quickly with no hesitation, which leads me to believe he had been thinking these things for a while.

    After he gave me that list I went no contact. 3 days later he texted me that he wish he said those things in another way and so harshly but he didn’t apologize for saying them or say that he didn’t mean it. SO I took it as true and the real reasons why he did not want to move forward. I said no worries I got the gist of what he meant wether he meant to say it in certain way or not. We didn’t talk for about 3 days.

    Then he started texting and calling regularly. A few times he called to tell me I was drama and to move on lol even though I was NOT contacting him at all!! Who sounds like drama here? lol And now he’s calling and texting and even inviting himself over. However, no formal apology and no clue about what he’s thinking (and I would be called “drama” for asking). I feel like he just wants me to go with his flow and ask no questions. Not happening and this all has turned me off. This has been ver the span of 3 weeks.

    #371184 Reply
    Sherri

    I would just msg him saying that you are not looking for a pen pal and that you do not see any reason to continue this “text-phone conversation” with him and end it with all the best in your life. That should put an end to anything he has to say. If he replies harshly to that or even replies after that … I would not respond rather block him … Why r u wasting your time with him anyway?? So much of wasted brain matter IMO …

    #371196 Reply
    Amelia

    Hey GeeGee,
    What is this men’s forum you talk about? I’d love to get in on that and get their opinions too.

    #371200 Reply
    *Amber*

    Yeah, GeeGee! Could you point us to the men’s forum you mentioned?

    #371202 Reply
    GeeGee

    Hi guys,
    it’s called askmen.com. There forums are actually pretty active all the time. So is this forum tho :)

    #371203 Reply
    GeeGee

    *their lol

    #371238 Reply
    Ivy

    GeeGee,

    Well, I am on the fence here cause on one hand he did give a perhaps valid reason for not wanting to be in a relationship but then he also stated that the communication is a reason he couldn’t see himself in a relationshp with you (drama is relevant to communication style). That’s a divided answer. Both can be valid, but neither matter as he’s made it clear what he doesn’t want, which is a relationship.

    Now, I have to say that this isn’t to say who is right, wrong, there isn’t a right or wrong, but I do think that your communication style could use some tweeking:

    “Through some of those texts we would end up in little spats literally about nothing (for example me saying that I’m on my way to a bar that he likes and I hate, AS A JOKE).

    Was this really meant to be a joke because what part is funny? I am not saying what you said is bad in any way, it’s not insulting or anything, but I also don’t consider it a joke. Take a look at your thoughts before texting this. When jokes are used to cover up insecurities, or even anger they become forms of passive aggression. If you are resentful that he isn’t with you and you are pointing out that you are going to a place he loves calling it a joke, it signals you aren’t communicationg very honestly. And the funny thing is that joke or not the guy will know.

    Now, alternately, let’s say you really miss him and you wish he did want a relationship with you and was going to this bar he loves with you, then you could say “Ya know, I really miss you but I respect that you don’t want a relationship so please stop contacting me because I find it to be confusing and it’s best if we don’t talk. I wish you the best.”

    Now if that is how you felt then you communicated drama free, openly and honestly, no fake jokes needed.

    You may have to let this guy go, but I think it does give you the opportunity to think about your communication style when you are upset about something. I hope this makes some sense to you.

    #371290 Reply
    LAgirl

    I am totally with Ivy on this one.

    I believe that somewhere along the early days with him, he simply decided that you are ‘not the one.’ That is not to be taken personally. I am sure you have met plenty of men who like you, but you just dont feel romantically inclined towards.

    He seems clear to me (regardless of reason) that he didn’t see a future or anything serious with you. Men will do this, but then they will also test the waters to see if you want to keep things casual with them.

    When you agree to keep things going (texting/talking/dating) AFTER he made it clear he does not want to be serious with you, then you are telling him by your ACTIONS that you are ok with being casual with him. You ACCEPT his terms.

    The conflict came out when you found yourself angry at him, resenting his lack of stepping things up, and you continued to push at him looking for a ‘better answer.’ The answer you really wanted, which is you wanted him to move things forward with you.

    I agree with Ivy, your joke wasnt a joke. It was intended to get some kind of reaction out of him – perhaps make his say he wanted to join you, etc. Unfortunately, he didnt bite – and you got even more frustrated and passed it off as him not being able to ‘take a joke.’

    I would move on… find a man who truly wants to be with you.

    The wording Ivy provided makes sense to me, but seriously, I don’t think you have to say all that much. He isn’t planning to take this to the next level, so you don’t owe him much of anything.

    He has nothing to ‘get over’ about himself. He was honest with you. You are the one that kept pressing him for more than what he had to offer. Maybe you need to get over yourself… sorry if that sounds harsh. BUT – when our egos get broken, it does become all about us, doesn’t it? And its easy to not take blame for our part and to view the other person as the problem.

    #371297 Reply
    GeeGee

    This was the joke
    Him: Let’s party!! (He wrote this bc I told him I was over partying)
    Me: I’m on my way to the bar right now. U wana go?
    Him: r u serious?
    Me: haha no I’m going to go meet my friend

    Now ok if he thinks I’m drama. But stop contacting me and don’t get mad n further call me drama when I don’t answer him promptly like I did when we were dating. If he’s not into me that’s fine and I have him plenty of opportunity to simply say that. When he exploded on me I simply stopped talking to him after I said I take some responsibility and I know I’m not perfect but I’ll wish u the best.

    Idk maybe that was drama but he’s done way worse than that to me and I never made a big deal. Everyone’s different I guess.

    I go agree that his mind was probably made up early on, even though he would bring up marriage and kids often. But I heard guys can change their minds at the drop of a hat lol

    I guess I’ll just stop responding. Idk

    #371300 Reply
    GeeGee

    I see what you’re saying laGirl but never once did I pressure him. As a matter of fact he mentioned that that was one of the things he liked about me. But yea I lost a lot of feeling for him I just wondered if I should tell him that or just stop responding or what? But like you said he already told me what’s he’s thinking so I don’t really owe him anything. Thanks!

    #371302 Reply
    Kimf

    listen to LAgirl…this guy is an utter waste of your time. Do you want to waste your time? Do you have time to waste? Do you enjoy having someone mess around with your head? that’s what you should be asking yourself.

    #371305 Reply
    GeeGee

    Thank you all so much. But I AM basically over the guy. I just wanted a nice clear way of telling him (since he still contacts me as if we are dating) that I am not interested in communicating with him anymore and that my feelings have seriously faded. I’m not into him anymore as many of you that are reading this may think.

    #371321 Reply
    Kim

    Go no contact! I am doing this right now with a total waste of time. Every time I get a text, I simply delete it. I do it without even thinking about it. It will become second nature and it will feel good! Get used to walking, get used to moving on from men that are not worth your time. You will be empowered. Then you will have room for a man that wants to treat you right, and he will because you wont put up with less.

    #371350 Reply
    GeeGee

    Kim you are so right!! Congrats on your feeling of empowerment! I do feel like I need to work a little more on moving on quickly and going no contact as soon as I know nothing is going to progress!! Thank you for your reply!!

    #374099 Reply
    DeRen1936

    Girl… No contact. Don’t respond. He’s nuts. Normal people don’t go around destroying other people. I feel you though, I just initiated no contact with my ex after a year of this kind of docking around with my heart. Though he was never said shitty things to me like this loser has said to you, his actions spoke volumes. “I love you” then when i got closer, “You’re too needy… I’m still confused about relationships…”
    Oh, please… I no longer have time for that. I think as women we naturally have that caretaker instinct: the instinct to fix everything and to smooth everything out and put out fires. That being said, the way he is treating you is not acceptable. What is your gut telling you? Try sitting in a quiet place, no distractions at all, breathe and just listen. You will eventually hear your gut and it’s never wrong. My gut told me my guy was bad news from the jump and I didn’t listen. I would not change what I went through this past year though for anything. He was a great teacher and as Buddha said, “When the student is ready the teacher appears.” This dude who is messing with you is your teacher now. Will you continue to accept his shitty behavior or will you just let go and move on to something much better. It’s very hard, I know. I became like an addict with my guy… even as I write this, I want to reach out to him but I know that would be detrimental to my healing.
    I also would suggest therapy when you are ready. I started a month ago and it has been life changing.
    Just think of this guy or any other person or situation that has played itself out like an old meatloaf in the fridge… it’s way past it’s expiration date, it is covered in mold and it’s time to throw it out. But then we think, “Ugh… that’s so much work to take it out, soak the plastic container, then wash it… I’ll just leave it. Until one day it stinks up your entire fridge and you have to throw the loaf AND the container out and detox the fridge.
    That’s where I’m at right now.
    Get rid of him and just concentrate on getting back to YOU. Love yourself and be happy and content alone. Only when you value and truly love yourself will you attract and be attracted to someone who will value you as well.
    You are better than this douche, trust me.

    #374109 Reply
    Sarah

    I think you have been given smart advice Gee Gee. I wanted to say that I also appreciated the communication style lesson that some of the others put on this thread. My ex used to call me “drama” too, and I couldn’t figure out the context because it would be seemingly innocuous statements (like a text that came out of nowhere that I had no context for, so I asked “wrong person?” thinking sloppy texting was the cause). But I realize now that they really did come from a place of insecurity or resentment.

    #376397 Reply
    Jill

    Ive been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years. We are older, we reconnected after 40 years. Anyway whenever I ask him about the future, he says ” baby I don’t know what I’m doing from one day to the next.” he calls and texts everyday like clock work. We live 90 miles apart and see each other every weekend. He takes me to all family and friend events. However he will not allow me to discuss a future. He has been married and divorced twice. (Red Flag I know) I am very attracted to him, but he doesn’t treat me as good as I would like. He has gotten angry when I wanted answers about our future. So I just stay away from the subject. Not being allowed to even have a discussion is making me crazy, am I wasting my time with this man?

    #376398 Reply
    Claudia

    There are guys who grow up with nothing or do have money problems or feelings as though they don’t have money that make them insecure and all a man wants to be is to be able to support their woman and make them happy. TRULY! If you haven’t tried telling him money doesn’t matter you can give it a shot, but sometimes boys need to be the center of income and have the man;y control of that.

    #376400 Reply
    Claudia

    Jill,

    He prob is scared of future because of those other divorces, I wouldn’t worry or press on it too much. The future is important to know and talk about to know if you both have similar grounds and wants. However given his current 2 divorces It’s to be expected to not know anymore.

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