This topic contains 69 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by MissRay 9 months, 1 week ago.
December 10, 2019 at 3:54 am #780212
We’ve been dating 10 weeks, had a conversation last night about sexual experiences. Apparently he has done almost everything in the book. And since he was sharing so care free, I had a threesome almost happened to me, so I shared that with him. He was okay listening and all. Then his deameanor sort of changed, he didn’t kiss me goodnight and we just went to bed. I was staying over at his house since the weekend. We are practically looking like couples at this point. This morning when I woke up he wasn’t next to me. He told me he woke up early today didn’t wana wake me. I reached out to kiss him but he was just cold. He went in the shower and I joined him and started touching him but he didn’t reciprocate that like he normally would. Obviously the almost threesome experience I shared has had an effect on him. I mean this was years ago, but it looks like it affects him so much. So we talked about it. He told me it’s just he’s not judging me it’s just the thought of it bothers him when he pictures me like that. Like it wouldn’t have bothered him at all if he didn’t feel the way he does about me so much. Could this have changed the way he sees me?
I regret opening up like that so much. But I wanted to tell the truth since he asked me too. He made it safe to speak but now I feel judged. Has this ruined things with him? He told me he is the same person with me and all but I do feel the shift in things. I think I should have rather lied cause now I feel so stupid. Advice urgently please!December 10, 2019 at 8:05 am #780218
He’s a hypocrite…December 10, 2019 at 8:13 am #780221
Good morning..aah the old i tell you what I’ve done now tell me what you’ve done. No No No! Never have this exchange. My boyfriend tried this when we first met. He told me some crazy story about being with 4 women in one night. I honestly didnt have a crazy story so i said, when i know you better, maybe I’ll tell you some stuff. He never brought it up again. Most guys can’t handle the same info they want to dish out.December 10, 2019 at 8:35 am #780223
Oh no, these are conversations you NEVER have with a man! I understand exactly what he’s talking about, as men are very visual and if you give them a ‘bad image’ to work with its going to change how they think or feel about you. I made this blunder when I was young, didn’t realize I was previously seeing someone he couldn’t stand, hated actually, and it instantly turned him off! If they were talking about it then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Nope, not when it comes to these kinds of topics and from thereon learned to keep my mouth shut and not to discuss my past other than providing basic information about myself.
Best not to relive or regurgitate your old life but start with a clean new chapter. I would step waaay back and see if he is able to step back in or not. If not, then there’s nothing you can do to wipe that image from his mind.December 10, 2019 at 10:39 am #780227
Totally agree with Ms. Winterborn and Lane!! You NEVER have this conversation with a guy you are wanting to be in a long term relationship with! Like Lane I made the same mistake in my younger days. Told my ex husband because he asked when we were first married. He was friends with the ex boyfriend who I shared my sexual experiences with and he would never drop it, constantly brought it up, and could no longer be around the guy thinking of me with him. This went on for 25 YEARS! He could never get it out of his head.
And I do think if shared early in the dating process it can turn a guy off. It’s like my husband says… I know you had a life before me (I have 3 kids) but in my mind I’m the only guy you’ve been with and we’re going to leave it at that!! He’s smart because he’s learned from experience you just really don’t want to know the answers to those questions!!
My go to when a guy starts asking these questions was ” I don’t kiss and tell!”December 10, 2019 at 12:44 pm #780236
I have been dating my guy for a year and I still haven’t told him everything about my sexual past. I don’t plan to and I don’t plan to hear his either. We’ve both been married though so there’s an assumption there already that there are probably things better left in those bedrooms of the past.
One thing you can do in the future when a guy tries to do this again — turn the conversation into your likes sexually. Don’t bring ghosts into the bedroom, most men can’t handle it.
His feelings may have changed or he just may need some time to let it go and he may be fine eventually. I would step back and give him some space though. I wouldn’t enjoy feeling judged like that either — give him some space and take some space for yourself too.December 10, 2019 at 1:03 pm #780240
OMG, you almost had one and he is this ticked off???? I THINK THIS IS A RED FLAG and do not agree with the others. I mean I suppose that it is not helpful to have these conversations – as in, they don’t add much, so better to not have them. BUT for him to respond this way should be considered a problem. HIS PROBLEM. AND A RED FLAG.
I have not found that most men can’t handle the past, only ones who have not settled their past or are unhealthy emotionally.
Honestly, and almost threesome should be an entertaining story. But just as he is rethinking you, you should rethink if this man has what it takes for a real relationship. Most men do not have this strong of a reaction as to pull back. HE SHOULD GROW THE F UP. Seriously.December 10, 2019 at 1:23 pm #780243
I’m with Tallspicy on this one. He confesses to doing almost “everything in the book” but the knowledge that you ALMOST had a threesome years ago has tainted you in his eyes somehow?? Did he ask you to pretend you were a virgin as well? Also, he asked you. Would he have preferred you lied to him? If you had and he found out later, he would have been upset about that. Sheesh!
I agree that we should keep some of the details of our past experiences private…at least until we know someone extremely well and have a good idea of how they will react. However, he is being a giant, controlling hypocrite on this one. What’s more, if he is hypercritical of sexual situations that you actually enjoy, you are not compatible.
IMO, you did nothing wrong given the degree of your admission and this is a “him” problem, not a “you” problem. Question is, do YOU want to be with a person like this?December 11, 2019 at 5:01 pm #780375
Thank you all for your responses. I agree with all of you that some things should be kept private. I just thought honesty was what he wanted since from the beginning we were being so open to each other and he had made it clear to never lie or cheat and all that. I mean he told me about all of his and some were hard to digest but it was his past I just listened.
We are still in somewhat communication though, and from what I’ve gathered is that, since he has been in these “experiments” himself, he says he knows how a guy thinks. And he wouldn’t want to be in public with me and the guy I’ve had the almost threesome with walks by and sees us and then would think “there’sthe girl that me and another dude almost screwed” like at this point I realize it’s a pride thing. His ego is strong.
He also said that there was someone else that wanted to try with him, but he chose me and now I’ve left all that in his head. I told him to be logical, I haven’t done anything wrong to him. He says he liked me a lot, still do and he wants to forget that thing. I said me too. And he told me he will at some point. So I told him that I want him to be happy with me. And if it doesn’t look like he will be, then I will accept the way he feels.
I’ve left it at that. I’m thinking of just giving him his space completely because somehow I feel like he just needs time. Is that a good thing to give space like complete silence? If he text I respond or keep silent?
Any thoughts or advice I will be eternally grateful! Thank you.December 11, 2019 at 5:41 pm #780379
I don’t kiss and tell. So if a man asks me about my sexual past I simply don’t share it. The only information I share is my sexual health and to me that’s all that matters.
That’s a conversation me and boyfriend never had, we decided not to share the such past experiences. Although we have shared funny dating stories.
He is however being a hypocrite. If he’s done everything, why would and almost threesome be a big deal. So he can he all over the place but, you were suppose to be a nun?
His reaction alone would make me reconsider dating him. He’s judging you.December 11, 2019 at 5:43 pm #780381
It’s time to take out the trash & do not let it (him) back in the house…December 11, 2019 at 5:53 pm #780382
I agree with the commenters who said he’s being a hypocritical a$$hole.
“he wouldn’t want to be in public with me and the guy I’ve had the almost threesome with walks by and sees us and then would think “there’sthe girl that me and another dude almost screwed” like at this point I realize it’s a pride thing. His ego is strong.”
He’s a total jerk. What if you told him you didn’t want to be seen in public with HIM, in case some girl he had screwed walked past?
You shouldn’t be trying to appease him and soothe his ego. It’s controlling & hypocritical of him to be so worked up about it. I would consider this a major red flag if a guy I dated acted this way.December 11, 2019 at 6:00 pm #780385
The bit that bothers me most is him saying he will forgive you at some point, as if he’s expecting you to spend a period of time putting up with his judgemental attitude and sulking as punishment. I think he’s manipulative and if you stay with him you’ll find yourself constantly trying to convince him you’re worthy of him. I’d say to him that if your past is that big a deal you’re obviously not compatible, goodbye.December 11, 2019 at 10:05 pm #780409
That last conversation you had with him was all you crawling and begging and him telling you how inadequate you now are.
What a bunch of crap. Get some balls. Tell him he had no business asking you personal questions and you have nothing to apologize for and tell him hes being a crybaby.
Then tell him you kiss your ass.
That ought to make him see you in a position of power.
He’s enjoying putting you down as if he’s all that
Quit being so terrified of him.December 12, 2019 at 1:08 am #780429
He is being a hypocrite I agree, and a s*xist if I might add.
And there’s more, when I left it off at what I said, he told me he misses me and he misses me here with him. And if it’s okay if he comes get me. I said sure. He picked me up and we went to talk at his place (we dont live far from each other) he stared at me and told me he’s so angry, he feels like I’ve cheated on him. He doesn’t want to think the way he does but he cant control the thought. He even told me he asked a FEMALE friend of his about this situation and what she thinks of it and he said that the girl agrees with him and that further assured him that the problem is not him. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!! I kept my mouth shut felt tears coming, he looked at me, and caressed my face then he said I’m so beautiful though and his heart is all the way yes towards me but his mind is confused.
I only sat there and listened. He was falling asleep so I let him sleep and slept beside him fully clothed and he took me home in the morning around 8am. I had got him a small gift for Christmas and I left it on his dresser because at this point I’m not even hopeful about meeting him again.
I am listening to all the flags you guys are pointing out to me and I somewhat agree. Somewhat because he’s never made me feel unsafe before about any other thing we didn’t agree on but this situation surely speaks volume. I understand that this is all on him, I wont be able to fight this and I’m going to stop lifting any fingers. If he cant accept me for what I am, and would rather make a hurricane out of a passing shower, I guess it wont work out on other things either.December 12, 2019 at 2:30 am #780432
I’m sorry but this is an abusive dynamic .. he is in the punishment phase… this is a control tactic… the fact that he told you about the other women that wanted to date him… and then the female friend and her opinion are all to manipulate you. They most likely don’t exists. He trapped you and then blamed you.
Please send him a message and tell him it’s over. Run.December 12, 2019 at 4:10 am #780434
Tell him to jump off a cliff!
Women? why do some of you handover undeserving powers to these abusive losers?!!
This is the purest form of emotional abuse…he got you all frazzled for something you didn’t even do. “his ego is strong” – puleeze!!! NO, he’s an abuser.
He’s an ill wind…December 12, 2019 at 4:37 am #780435
He did and said all that and you still rewarded his s*** behavior with a Christmas gift??? You should have given that to someone else, donated it, anything but give it to him… do you see the message you just sent him??!!
Just ghost him.December 12, 2019 at 7:14 am #780436
Sounds like a lame excuse to dump you.December 12, 2019 at 9:08 am #780440
He’s manipulative, abusive and controlling. You really need to get out NOW while you can. You seem to have really low self esteem. If you need help ask for it, family, friend whoever, but this will get worse the longer you let it go on.December 12, 2019 at 9:30 am #780442
If he feels like you cheated him over this, imagine if you actually did something – like talk to a man, talk about a man, look at a man, think about a man, imagine there are men. I know this hurts now, but thank god he is gone. Seriously. Gross.
And what a drama queen. Double gross. And his friends are gross too.December 12, 2019 at 9:51 am #780443
He is a complete jerk! Almost sounds like he has Madonna whore complex issues! He can’t get something out of his head that you didn’t even do. And now he’s telling his female friend about your personal discussions. To me that’s a total breach of privacy and hypocritical behavior since he’s done everything in the book himself! How can he be angry and act like you’ve cheated on him? That’s crazy ridiculous. This guy has some serious issues and I can only imagine they would get worse if you stayed together. His reaction to this is well beyond what I would consider normal. I like your analogy of making a hurricane out of a passing shower and that’s exactly what he’s doing. Much better than the mountain out of a mole hill analogy! LOL I know this hurts but it’s better you saw this side of him early in the relationship only 10 weeks in. He is punishing you for something you didn’t even do. Time to walk away.December 12, 2019 at 10:17 am #780445
Yeah, the more you tell us, the worse it gets, OP…..
He’s punishing you for something you didn’t do. He’s punishing you for being open and honest about your past. He’s hypocritical because he’s done everything in the book but is upset that you ALMOST did something. You say he’s “angry” and feels like you “almost cheated on him”– WTF, NOTHING HAPPENED and even if it had, it was before you knew him anyway! So how can that be construed as cheating?! Then he’s manipulating you by talking about some other woman he could be dating, and telling you that he talked to his female friend about you and how you basically don’t measure up to her (because she agrees with him and not you).
You said he hasn’t hit you or made you feel unsafe, but you’re only 10 weeks in. I was in an abusive relationship years ago (physical and emotionally abusive), and abusers don’t start out hitting you. First they work on chipping away your self esteem. They do exactly what this guy is doing. Punishing you, making you feel like you need forgiveness, being hypocritical, being irrational (the whole “cheating” thing is completely irrational), comparing you to other women. All of this is to make you feel like you need to make it up to him, and makes you question your own reality. Objectively you KNOW you didn’t do anything wrong but you are posting here because this guy has you all frazzled and questioning your own sanity. The physical abuse only starts once the abuser feels he’s got you well entangled in his trap and won’t leave if he hits you because he knows what buttons he can push to make you stay with him.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is stay far away from this guy. Please stop seeing him. You’re only 10 weeks in, so not super invested. I wouldn’t be surprised if you broke up with him and he became very contrite and begged your forgiveness and promised he’d change….that’s how abusers work. If that happens please block him and stay away. Trust me when I say no emotionally healthy guy would be making such a huge issue out of something you didn’t even do.December 12, 2019 at 10:51 am #780446
He is using a technique called gaslighting…trying to convince you that you’ve done wrong and before you know it, have you apologizing to him for something you didn’t even do. The second that happens, he has control of you and the mental abuse will worsen. Enlisting a female “friend” to validate his position is also a classic narcissist tactic. It’s like, “See? Even other people believe I’m right to be angry with you over this imaginary thing.” Either the female friend doesn’t exist or she’s as whacked in the head as he is.
You continue dating this man at your own perilDecember 12, 2019 at 11:03 am #780448
He’s a jerk, all you did was entertain something “different” and he is judging you for that? That’s a guy who will never have a great sex life with partners. You should be able to be open about your sexual wants with a guy and he basically is making you pay….
I’d never speak to him again- let him go find someone new to repress.