What am I doing


This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Liz Lemon 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #918158 Reply

    A

    There is this guy I was interested in. He was my friend for like a year before we really talked about being interested in each other. I am currently at a stage in my life where I do not feel ready for a relationship but I eventually want one at some point in time. My friend/ex friend is single too and says he does not want a relationship. We agreed to do Friends with benefits, except without the sex- we flirt a lot and we have talked about fooling around and stuff like that.

    In July we had a fall out because we went to the beach and I thought we had fun but then almost two weeks passed n I didn’t see him. So I asked about seeing him and he said he was busy with work. I thought that was bulls*** so I told that I couldn’t do this thing with him anymore.

    Fast forward to a few weeks later he said there was some miscommunication and he had meant that at that point he had something that was due for work and he was working on that. We agreed to restart what it was that we were doing but I felt him pulling away.

    Fast forward to now, I called it quits again because it was felt like he wasn’t interested anymore- we made plans and he cancelled saying he wasn’t in a mental space to go outI asked him about it and he said he is holding back because he senses that I want a relationship or a deeper connection and he cares about me so he wouldn’t want that to happen and I end up hurt. So I called it quits because we had discussed what we were doing , and he had never mentioned anything like that to me. So I feel like if I hadn’t asked him outright, I would have been waiting around while he was giving me mixed signals.

    Where I am at now is I believe I should jus block and delete,because if he was really my friend he would have been completely upfront wit me from the beginning but at the same time I miss my friend… what do you guys think about the situation?

    #918483 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Hi A – sorry your post wasn’t published right away. (The forum filter doesn’t like the word “bulls***”.) It’s fixed-up now. I hope you see your post here, and hopefully our community will have advice to help you out. Best wishes to you!

    #918512 Reply

    Lane

    Hi A.

    Unfortunately this was an unbalanced friendship. You were interested in him romantically but he wasn’t interested in you that way when he made the declaration that he did not want to be in a relationship, where in guy code it means “I do not want to be in a relationship with you.”

    You were hoping that his feelings for you would eventually change but they did not. Its possible you acted or behaved a certain way at the beach that put him off. Hung on or around him too much; or something like that, that made him pull back?

    Regardless, people do have lives. Anytime someone tells me they are “busy with work” I say “have fun” and back off. Whether they really are or not busy with work doesn’t bother me in the least bit because I am busy too so until they come up for air, or reach back out, I just do me and let them do what they want.

    I think you need to get the romantic idea of him out of your head and probably best that you take some space and time away from him to do it. If you can’t be honest or authentic with yourself about what you really wanted (him) then you are being dishonest with him. You are using the word “friend” in hopes he would change his mind about you, romantically, but he clearly doesn’t want that kind of friendship with you.

    I would let this friendship go and find other friends to hang out with.

    #918529 Reply

    AngieBaby

    FWB is really hard to pull off because there are almost always mismatched expectations at some point.

    I think it would be impossible to be just friends at this point so yes, I’d say it’s time to block and delete and move on.

    #918657 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with the others that you should move on from this situation. To be fair, you DO have boyfriend-ish expectations of this guy– he is right that you seem like you want a deeper connections. “I called it quits again because it was felt like he wasn’t interested anymore”, “almost two weeks passed n I didn’t see him. So I asked about seeing him and he said he was busy with work. I thought that was bulls*** so I told that I couldn’t do this thing with him anymore.”
    — if you hadn’t seen a girlfriend of yours for almost two weeks, and she told you she was busy with work, you wouldn’t tell her it was bull$hit– you wouldn’t give it a second thought. If you are FWB with someone, you don’t have expectations of “interest” or seeing each other regularly. FWB is meant to be a situation of convenience for both parties. If one person is not available, it’s not a big deal to the other person. So even though you’re supposedly FWB with this guy, you are having expectations of this guy as if you are in a relationship.

    A lot of women (myself included) are not cut out for FWB. Like Angiebaby said, there are almost always mismatched expectations at some point, and it’s usually the woman who has the expectations. It sucks but at this point I think the healthiest thing would be to block him and move on. I don’t see a way to go back to being truly “just friends”.

    #918658 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I also wouldn’t accuse this guy of “not being upfront from the beginning”. He may have THOUGHT he could do FWB. Just like you thought you could do it. You have to be upfront with yourself too– you want more than this guy can give. That’s OK, if you want more, you deserve more! But be honest with yourself. He’s not being an a$$hole, you two just have different expectations.

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