This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mama 1 day, 20 hours ago.
April 26, 2021 at 7:08 pm #863141
Me and a guy friend mutually liked each other but it was awful timing with us both coming out of longterm relationships and needing time to feel better about ourselves. Without going into details, there was a lot of drama at the time and he was an a**hole and I was admittedly very needy.
This time is now in the past and we have both been dating others. He rejected me initially and said i was “perfect but he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want more” and I was pretty sad about it for a long time.
I felt like i was finally over him when the other week we had a great day, with him saying how proud he is of me, how he was talking to a girl but its funny how he feels most comfortable with me and he was opening up about some of his mental health issues. In this we ended up sleeping together. I’ve tried to keep some distance since (hes an introvert, i am very extroverted and naturally talk a lot) but have found myself developing feelings again.
This has been historically such an ongoing mess that I’m not keen to ‘go back’ and want to conduct myself as well as i can to ensure that we can get closer at least as friends if not for the recent situation to just stay as is.
I’ve left an open invite to hang out soon, and left it to him to sort a date. I won’t ask again :)
Any advice. I thought we were all done so this seems crazy.April 26, 2021 at 8:46 pm #863228
My advice is to do nothing. If he wants to date you, he will ask you on a date. You can’t make someone feel or behave how you want. Also, you’re not getting “pulled back together” by some magic external force. You’re an active participant.April 27, 2021 at 2:42 am #863297
Sorry to sound harsh, but the only thing that’s ‘pulling you back’ together is your lack of boundaries and self respect, to know not to settle for less and for breadcrumbs from a man.
He didn’t open up to you per se,he wanted sex, thus he created a false sense of intimacy so he could smash.
He feels comfortable with you because you’re an easy target and have zero boundaries.
And No, YOU can’t be friends, that ship sailed a long time ago when you caught feelings and when you smashed.
Walk away from this situation without looking back. That means don’t text him, call him or show up on him.Start cultivating meaningful relationships with other people who see your value.
Don’t lower your standards for anyone. Know your self worth and stay away from men who don’t value you, you deserve better than this.April 27, 2021 at 1:06 pm #863298
All those red flags that you have pointed out: he was an a**hole, he rejected you, drama, mental issues. Love yourself more than you like ‘that which is not straightforward’. Trust me, you can love it and not need it. You just gotta believe it. Personally, I wouldn’t be with a man who has to think if I’m good enough for him.April 27, 2021 at 2:44 pm #863801
Look up the search term “anxious-avoidant trap.” That describes your on and off drama and situationship dynamic and why (him being a jerk and even you being needy). This will stay toxic if you let it.
The above advice, “Also, you’re not getting “pulled back together” by some magic external force. You’re an active participant.” is excellent and key. I’ve been in dynamics like this and felt a pull, like it was happening to me and out of my control. It’s not true. You just need to take responsibility for your boundaries and decisions, which probably means deciding to walk away from a toxic dynamic and sticking with it. That’s what gets you out of time-wasting and crazy-making situations like this and allows you to stay out of them and away from non-committal men like this in the future.April 28, 2021 at 2:30 am #863997
when things were anyway not going well between you, why sleep with him? or atleast you should have waited till things got better between you guys or atleast more clear before having sex. problem is once we have sex we many times get involved emotionally & mentally. u admitted that he was an a^^^^^ ole and you were super needy. this neediness i thnk also stems from relationship insecurity. now that you have slept with him with no clarity in your mind, if you don’t watch out there is a possibility that you may again start feeling needy due to the uncertainty involved and history may repeat.
there is this guy i know for many many years! we are attracted to each other and i have to admit that i do feel for him. but he doesn’t feel beyond a general liking and is attrcted to me. i know i wld lose all perspective if i sleep with him bec i really like him while he doesnt. so the last time we met casually he showed an interest in having sex but i politely turned him down. i knew i could handle casual sex with him.
maybe there is a lesson to learn from this for you. for the meanwhile, i think all you can do is just try and put him out of ur mind. hes turned you down in the past so if he has changed his mind now, let him show you that he has changed his mind by making efforts to talk to you, meet you. let him take efforts this time. and try and keep the neediness in check thats a sure shot way of pushing him away.
all the bestMay 4, 2021 at 5:34 pm #866967
Just to update:
Thank you everyone for your advice.
What happened when we last had sex was he told me that “he felt more comfortable with me than other girls”. I didn’t push this but for him, it seemed a breakthrough.
The other day, after an evening of cuddling, he told me that he only said this as he had had a few drinks and that once again, it is never going to happen. I told him that I don’t need him to be my boyfriend, but am just trying to support him through his issues and enjoy some of the FWB instances.
Today following our last conversation, I restated that I want to support him and him to be happy but that I don’t want to see him anymore if he can’t be consistent.
Although I am hoping this will lead to some real action here, where he does start to open up more (I’m still not concerned about needing a girlfriend title), I’m also happy to just keep walking. As much as I care about this guy, I feel like he won’t listen to what I say without me walking away and will only ever see me as someone trying to ensnare him.
Regardless of what happens I’m glad I shook things up and was assertive for myself.May 4, 2021 at 6:24 pm #866986
Sarah love, now you have totally lost the plot!
This guy keeps rejecting you over and over again with his words and actions and yet you keep pushing even harder. Where is your sense of self respect?
Why are you forcing yourself on a man who doesn’t want you. Why do you keep fathoming new ways to further humiliate yourself for this guy?
He’s just a man, nothing more and nothing less!
What you’ve asserted to him is that you are okay with breadcrumbs from him, you are okay with being his doormat because you have no boundaries and sense of self.
And no you can’t get him to open up on anything, you’re not his therapist!
What would it take to just cut off contact with him altogether, not because you want him to notice you or take you seriously, but because you want to focus on the most important relationship in your life, that is with yourself.
Don’t starve yourself from self love. Start loving yourself so much that you place high value on yourself. Take yourself out to dates where you date yourself and get to know yourself again, walks on the beach/nature where you have conversations with yourself and think about what you want for yourself, buy yourself little presents just to celebrate the person you are.
Block this guy on everything and lose his number, not because he’s a bad person but because it’s the only way you can salvage whatever dignity is left from this situation and start moving on and hopefully stop obsessing over him.May 4, 2021 at 6:54 pm #866996
Ugh to him. The two guys like this I’ve been involved with, one quite seriously, both pulled the same crap on me. Breaking up, downgrading me to still date or hook up without labels, saying all sorts of sweet things about how they felt about me, then turning around with excuses and “taking it back” (usually, but not always, the excuses involved drinking). Dodging any real responsibility for their actions or feelings and dodging any commitment. I got back together with the serious relationship one anyway even after something like you just went through happened after intimacy, and it was just awful. He ended things again in less than a month and pulled the rug out from under me with 180 degree contradictory behavior like you wouldn’t believe after he took the initiative to reconcile.
This just won’t go anywhere or meet your needs, and he’s not going to ever firmly close the door because his boundaries are too weak. Save yourself the trouble and heartbreak. The idea of supporting them and enjoying some benefits and being okay without commitment is a nice idea, but nothing you do will change his behavior and inconsistency at all. Which means, since you want consistency (as you should!), you’re not really okay with it. The only thing you can change is your own situation, which will be by leaving this anxious-avoidant trap and moving on. Speaking up for yourself and being direct is a good step forward, but taking all the steps to cut him out will be even better for you.May 5, 2021 at 5:36 pm #867369
Trust me, you don’t want someone who has mental health issues, is inconsistent AND avoidant!
I dated someone like that and absolutely nothing good came of it! You get drawn in helping them, do more than your share of the “work”, and they give not much in return of what you are looking for.May 5, 2021 at 5:39 pm #867371
I cut this man out of my life, and as Maddie said it was the best thing I did for myself!May 5, 2021 at 5:56 pm #867375
It’s a common phrase on this forum, “you can’t sex him into a relationship”. You are basically telling him and acting like you’ll take what you can get from him and that you don’t really have boundaries when it comes to him while putting your own needs aside.
It’s good that you told him “I told him that I don’t want to see him anymore if he can’t be consistent.” but I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. You want more than what he can give you so consistency is a red herring. You’ve also reiterated that request again, without any need for action on his part.
Move on, close this chapter of your love life and find a man who will give you what you want in life. I guarantee when you find him, none of this drama will be part of the story.May 5, 2021 at 7:30 pm #867396
“Move on, close this chapter of your love life and find a man who will give you what you want in life. I guarantee when you find him, none of this drama will be part of the story.”
So true! When I dealt with my own stuff and stopped dating men like that, suddenly there was no more drama. My relationship now is the easiest! I’ve taken my dating life off of “hard” mode by consciously deciding to leave inconsistent men behind.May 5, 2021 at 9:25 pm #867424
Yes, “hard mode” is not worth it in any shape, form or fashion!May 6, 2021 at 2:42 pm #867848
Maddie, I did that, too. I actually took a long time off from dating, worked on myself inside and outside and got to a place that I was really happy being on my own. (It took me a long-a** time!) Then I started dating again and it was like night and day. It was so much easier to separate the wheat from the chaff.
I found myself ending things much earlier with men I didn’t mesh with in regards to things that were important to me, yet giving men who were what I wanted more of a chance and my time. I always was kind (I didn’t ghost but that’s a personal choice when you date — I personally felt better closing that door with a kind goodbye).
I did find a great guy who is just what I wanted. But I would not have found him if I was still entangled in this type of dramaddiction. That’s what this original poster is doing.