Was this a mistake that cannot be fixed anymore?


Home Forums Did He Lose Interest? Was this a mistake that cannot be fixed anymore?

This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #880801 Reply

    Jo

    First of all, English is not my native language so please be patient with me. This post will be long!
    The guy is my next door neighbour for two years now and we always behaved just friendly and politely each time we met in the elevator or out of the doors of our apartments. Although it was me who made the first move to know each other by bringing him some slices of the pound cake I had baked that day, he was kind enough to thank in return by bringing me a souvenir from the country he had traveled to for a concert (he is musician, so am I). During last year the situation was friendly as always, he asked my number during the first lockdown, he called me once when he was on tour last summer, he called me again when we would come back to the city and that’s all. Suddenly, during second lockdown and two days before Christmas I ran accidentally into him in the supermarket and asked me if we could have a drink together during Christmas days. I agreed. He came to my place and we talked about a lot of subjects, we knew each other better, we found out how many things we have in common (a lot actually), of course we talked about music. From the first two meetings I felt that he could read my soul. (He even guessed my zodiac sign without doubt!) Every two or three weeks he would call me for a meeting for a round of drinks, to my place as usual (I prefer that because it’s me who has the big apartment). There was/is no contact between the meetings unless I called him for issues related to the building.
    Long story short, after the third meeting I caught myself thinking of him not so friendly. He never made a move but he is always cheerful and talkative and a teaser and things between us are always very friendly, funny and casual. We meet only in the evening. Our conversations can last from three to six hours and we talk about everything. There even were moments between drinks that we made small confessions for things each of us did in the past. Nothing overly humiliating though.
    It’s been five months that we meet each other like this and I still believe that he has no romantic interest in me but he can sense that I’m not seeing him only as a friend. Although I try not to call him (except that case that I had to travel to my hometown for my father’s health issue and I gave him a key of my apartment just “in case of”) and I wait always for him to arrange the meeting, I’m sure that he suspects my feelings.
    To be honest I (almost) always say “yes” for a meeting, I have always something to serve along with the drinks he brings, like I’m always prepared for this (I am), the house is always tidy, I’m never scruffy.
    The (possible) mistake: Three weeks ago I would travel again to my hometown and he asked me to bring back with me a local delicacy. I did and I gave it to him. I’m not sure if he thought that we would taste it together on the next meeting. I told him that I brought it for him. He told me that we could meet that coming weekend. I agreed.
    He didn’t call at all. I didn’t react, it’s something I’m used to. I know he’s studying for his semester exams at the university and I also know he’s extremely focused on this. Second week passed, nothing again. I didn’t want to force things but I called to say hi and made a joke asking him if he’s alive. He told me that he had caught a cold for five days and although he was thinking of calling me he didn’t because “it would be meaningless” to tell me about his situation! He also said that in half an hour he was going to have the vaccine. He promised to tell me about his experience in the next two days. Still no contact, no call (again).
    I never trust my instinct because it’s crappy but this time I’m sure he’s pulling away. OK, we had nothing more than a friendship, he never showed something more than friendly interest, I never confessed him my feelings, I did my best not to seem needy. But the instinct cannot stop shouting. I don’t know if calling him after he had talked about a possible meeting was a mistake indeed and if so, I wonder if this situation can be fixxed.
    I may sound like a teen girl this moment but my insecurities have come to the front again because I’m single for a loooong time and I don’t want to lose again someone I really like (even as a friend).
    I’m sorry for the extended post.

    #880898 Reply

    Zoe

    Its painfull to read, Why do act like a man?
    And yes he is not interested

    #880902 Reply

    Ewa

    I think he is not interested, you said you were meeting for few months, did you kiss, sleep together etc? or was it just purely for friendship
    I don’t know where you live but where I live most guys were meeting girls during lockdown because they had nothing else to do, now that the lockdown is easing they are no longer interested and some even ended the relationships because freedom is back.
    It could be the case here that he was ok seeing you because of lockdown but now he has other things to do.
    It is harsh but you’re not the only one.
    Also think of it that way if you didn’t call him he wouldn’t contact you .

    #880992 Reply

    Lane

    Yes, he doesn’t have romantic feelings or he most surely would have acted on them by now.

    If I were you, I would distance myself, and start meeting other guys so to help keep your mind off of him. He’s intentionally keeping you at arms length so you don’t get any ideas that it will become something else. He likes you, as a “neighbor friend” that he see’s from time to time when he has some time in his busy life.

    If I were you I would get out, meet more people, socialize with others, pick up some new hobbies, travel, anything but sitting around waiting for him to call when he has a bit of free time, just to go through the same cycle, again, and again, and again.

    You have a lot of power over your life, and love life, just need to use it.

    #881186 Reply

    Jo

    Thank you all for your answers. I was somewhat sure he’s not interested romantically, but now I know this is a fact.
    Zoe asked me why I act like a man. All I can say is that “a burnt child dreads the fire”. I don’t want to experience any rejection again, I’m tired of it.
    The second lockdown lasted 6 months and started loosening 20 days ago. It was the longest lockdown for a European country and it was pretty strict. So yes, it could be a case like the one Ewa describes above, although he does nothing different now that we started getting our freedom back. He still stays at home and studies for his exams.
    Distance is always a great solution in this case but since I’m one those weird people who need a long period of time to stop being obsessed with someone they like, I’m waiting for July when he will leave for work out of the city for 3 months. That will be the best chance to clear my thoughts and feelings and hopefully to move on.
    By the way, Lane, I have already a busy life, a stable job I love and many interests that didn’t stop even during lockdown (except dancing and traveling of course) but my curse is my stubborn mind when it comes to matters of the heart.
    Anyway, thank you all again for your sincere thoughts and your support.

    #881301 Reply

    Maddie

    I wouldn’t be worried that you didn’t hear from him for 2 days after his vaccine. Some people have side effects for a few days, and that’s likely the case here. If he didn’t call you when he had a cold, I imagine he’s not going to call you if he’s not feeling well now, either.

    That being said, it sounds as if he likes you as a friend. Would it make you feel better to find out if he’d want to go on a real date so that you can put it to rest if he clearly says friends only? No reason to continue staying stuck on him unless you’re avoiding the answer in order to hang on to the fantasy.

    #881454 Reply

    tammy

    he is just a friendly neighbor. and you guys hang out occasionally when both at a loose end. i wont even call him a friend. bec apart from the occasional meets, there is no communication between you two. its all in your head and its important that you understand that. i think you should stop calling him and stop trying to arrange meetings with him. what you guys have is gud. at times when your alone and have no plans, impromptu casual friendly hangouts is fun. keep it that way.

    #881605 Reply

    Jo

    @Maddie Being delusional can lead to misery and that’s the reason I started this topic, I wanted to have the other people’s clear view. So no, I don’t avoid the answer. On the other hand the term “real date” confuses me (and many non-North Americans too, I suppose) since we don’t have certain rules or even a word about this practice. If by “date” you mean to go out for a walk/cinema/coffee with him to know each other better and have fun (because this is what we call date) we have already done this several times except the place.
    @Tammy I’m not arranging anything. I just agree when he arranges. And yes, I’ll keep it casual as I have already decided what we are. Your phrase “impromptu casual friendly hangouts” is exactly what I was thinking.
    By the way, I don’t use the word “friend” strictly here although sometimes calling someone “friend” is more because of the quality of the communication than the frequency and we have plenty of the former. This is from my perspective.

    #881694 Reply

    Erin

    I dunno, if you feel like you’re starting to have feelings for him then you need to pull back from interaction until you go on a reset. It’s just going to leave you disappointed and empty when he offers you nothing and it might also cause friction in the friendship so pulling back is a good idea.

    #881718 Reply

    Maddie

    A real date means what you said except stating you like him as more than a friend so it’s clear you are interested in exploring romantic potential. Just clearly communicating. My understanding of European dating is you hang out informally and with friends until you decide to be official in a relationship after a while, but that doesn’t seem to be what this is. If you don’t want to lead yourself on and play games with yourself to push down your feelings (instead of getting over them), which distracts you from being interested in other people, then say something and he answers what he answers. You don’t have anything to lose.

    #881890 Reply

    tammy

    i think you should step way back for the simple reason that you have feelings for him and he so far hasnt given any indication of being romantically interested in you. its just a one sided unrequited interest.

    #881939 Reply

    Jo

    @ Maddie You have a point a here when you advice me not to push my feelings down and express what I have in my mind and heart, but I’m with Tammy and I have decided to stay silent. It’s rather a proactive decision because if I ask him about his feelings and the answer is negative I’ll have created a very awkward situation and I believe none of us wants this. I prefer having a good relationship with him in general because you never know whether I need the neighbour’s help in the future (and the same holds for him).
    Thank you again, girls, for your thoughts and your words of advice. I admit that this conversation helped me a lot to start clearing my mind and see things more objectively.

    #882191 Reply

    tammy

    i think that makes total sense jo. he has had opportunities to tell you or kind of just lean in certain moments when you guys together to show that hes interested. but hes done neither so far. many times guys don’t say things just kind of move in for a kiss or a light touch to show what they thinking at certain moments. you coming out and saying what you feeling, could get embarrassing if he says no. as of now let him arrange for meetings with you but you need to try and accept mentally that this is one sided.

    #882315 Reply

    Jo

    @Tammy I was sure that this topic would end after my previous answer but your phrase “many times guys don’t say things just kind of move in for a kiss or a light touch to show what they thinking at certain moments” triggered a couple of memories from some meetings with him. It wasn’t a certain touch, although during conversation it’s normal to touch other’s arm for a second and we both did it often, but it was something he said.
    One night after 4 hours of talking and listening to the music as always, he got up off the sofa to return to his apartment and said “it’s late, I have to leave. I don’t want to but I have to “. It was the slight dizziness I had because of the alcohol? it’s because I’m not smart enough to react in a situation like that? I don’t know, the point is that I just smiled and I said nothing more than “OK”. A phrase like this may mean nothing but I will never find out if that moment it did meant something because of my stupidity and incapability.
    The second memory was similar when after 6 (!) whole hours he said “I have to go, otherwise I’ll sleep here”. How would you respond to this? I told him in a playful mood that there was plenty of space for sleeping and he laughed saying that the sofa seemed comfortable.
    What do you say now? Sometimes I wonder how I dare to think of a better love life since I’m such an idiot.

    #882329 Reply

    Lane

    Jo, all he meant was that he was enjoying talking, listening to music, with you no differently than he does with other ‘friends’ but was tired, so needed to go home. The fact he would have chosen the sofa, is telling, as he was intentionally putting distance between the two of you, where I’m sure he’s crashed on many sofa’s at friends homes.

    I know you so want him to feel the same way you do about him but its clear as day, based on what you’ve written, is that he likes you as a ‘neighbor friend’ only. He likes to hang out [platonically] with you, on the rare occasions he has some spare time but that’s all it is.

    I would really try to re-frame your brain by putting him in your “friend box.” Maybe refer to him as “my neighbor friend” when he pops into your head may help to reduce your feelings, and thoughts, for him?

    #882396 Reply

    tammy

    Jo you guys get along so well. and spend so many long hours together. I just don’t get it. hasn’t there been those few seconds at times or special moments when both of you felt something? or the air is laden with you know some kind of anticipation? excitement? i am not sure what to say because in my case usually most times when i felt something the men did too. you know that sexual tension in the midst of a nice dinner or a hang out or drinks?

    to give you an example, i had met a man 9 years back and we met just few times but had sizzling chemistry. we were in touch on and off over the past decade. but we never really met nor get involved in the intervening years. out of the blue, in march before lock down, he was in my city and asked me to meet him for a drink/coffee whatever. so i did. i cant tell you how excited i was and the thought of meeting him after 9 years made me feel anxious. it was a very pleasant outing and we both hung around for a couple of hours and talked quite a bit. but well nothing happened and i was quite disappointed. he did offer to drop me home but since it was quite early i tuk an uber back home. i did text him later and told him guess the chemistry between us is no longer there. he said no he was feeling it and he could sense that even I felt the same. thing is he is and always has been a non-committal guy and still is. so we have just been friends all along. infact he also did say why didnt u lean in for a kiss if you felt attracted to me? he said he would have reciprocated if i had given some indication. but well hes always been a casual guy who doesn’t want deeper involvement so i never acted on this attraction. and he understands so neither has he.

    what am saying is if there is some underlying chemistry, why hasn’t he made any move jo? so that makes us think that probably he doesnt feel it.

    #882491 Reply

    Jo

    @Lane thank you so much for having the good intention to bring me down to earth as soon as possible. I mean it! This is the voice I had to listen to by myself but it seems I’m not ready yet, so any help is much appreciated.
    @Tammy You ‘re right about the chemistry but maybe I’m blinded by the crush and I cannot see if there was original chemistry or not. Also in my most of my cases whenever I felt something men did not. It’s a curse? Who knows?
    Anyway, thank you so much, girls, for spending your valuable time to respond to my craziness and give your own (wise) view on this matter. I know for sure that time can heal a rejection (because I see it as such, I have experienced this so many times in my life) and the best I can do is to keep the good memories and move on.

    #882876 Reply

    tammy

    jo dont think of it as rejection. u enjoyed spending time with him and think hes attractive. you secretly crushed. but since he didn’t make a move or show his interest, you just kept this secret crush to self.

    #882934 Reply

    Jo

    Tammy,if this forum provided us some “like” or “love” emoticons I would post a dozen of these on your posts, ha ha! Thank you, darling, for your words, they have already helped a lot.
    And after all these crazy days of “mourning” and talking to all of you, now I feel much better and today surprisingly I woke up with the intention that the protagonist of my life has to be only me and no one is going to steal this role for no reason.

    #883228 Reply

    tammy

    o thank you so much hun. :-). its so nice to know that my words could help lift someones spirit and get them feeling lighter and positive again. what you said and what you are going through, resonated with me.

    the guy i talked about in my earlier post whom i have known for almost 10 years now and with whom things didn’t take off, i have been crushing on him for ages!! he likes me and i like him. and we both know that. we are also super attracted to each other. we both also know I am the emotional one and want more and he takes great pride in not getting too emotional about people or committed. or maybe i fell in love with him but he didn’t fall in love with me. shrug. so that’s that. i don’t look at it as rejection. simply that though we both like each other we just want different things from the other.

    This liking for him doesn’t blind me to reality which is we cant ever become an item. if u accept reality it gets easy. I do go out and meet men have dates and am open to deeper relationships with other men.

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