Wanting change


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  • #823815 Reply
    Ellen

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and we are both out 20s. There are a few things I want to change in my relationship but I just don’t know how to adress it. I feel like every time i bring up what I would like to improve or change, I sound like am nagging. For example, I would like to do more activities. Since Corona, all we ever do is watch movies/ series or make food. We never really do something. Also for our one year anniversary I had to beg him to go outside, his argument was that it was too cold. But in the summer he would use the same excuse that it was too warm.. Eventualy we did go on a little trip and it was fun. How can I, in a smart way, adress how I am feeling and maybe see some change in my relationship? I feel that I deserve better than this and I know that he would do the effort. I don’t know how to approach it

    #823825 Reply
    Lane

    I know its tricky to communicate how you feel without it looking like your nagging, begging or continually asking someone to do something they don’t want to do. With this, you have to learn that you cannot change people and accept them as they are, for who they are. Trust me, its a fools errand (waste of time) trying to change someone instead of finding that person you don’t have to nor feel compelled to change because they meet majority of your wants and needs based on who they are, not what *you* want them to be.

    In this case you sit him down, look into his eyes and calmly state, without any judgement or negative vibes that you would like to engage in more activities outside of the home. Remind him of the fun things you’ve done together, keep it upbeat and positive as men really do want to make their ladies happy and if they receive more positive feed back for what they do do or bring to the table, they are more apt to keep wanting to do it. When you bring in the negative feelings and vibes they slowly start to ‘check out’ because if they come to feel they can’t make you happy, for who they are, they start checking out of the relationship. This is why you have to very carefully pick your battles and know that if you are in a state of constant war, one will eventually surrender.

    There’s an old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” which essentially means you can ask for something or make a request but at some point beating a dead horse over and over is only going to make you more miserable and unhappy. Being unhappy and miserable is far worse than a breakup because at least then you know you tried everything and you come to a point where you accept you’re not the right match for each other, long term. This really is what dating’s about—not sticking it out but finding the right person to stick it out with :0)

    #823844 Reply
    Tallspicy

    You start doing these activities by yourself and be less available. You are not one being. You are two separate people.

    You already asked him, he said no. Stop trying to change him. It is nagging when you ask over and over.

    Make yourself happy and he will most likely follow.

    And if he does not, he might not be a good fit.

    #823862 Reply
    Newbie

    This is not about you deserving better but you wanting other things to do. You can ask nice every time and promise him a unicorn at the end of the road but for you asking and for him not wanting will wear both of you down. I agree with tall to start doing those things for yourself. Meanwhile you have to think whats important to you in a relationship. If a homebody is not for you then maybe you should look for someone else.

    #823882 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    You’ve been dating a year. Corona started screwing everything up about 8 months ago or so. What was your boyfriend like in the first 3-4 months you were dating? Did you do a lot of activities with him then? Or was he a homebody back then too?

    As the others have said, you can’t change who someone is as a person. I agree you should find activities to do alone, or with other friends. You don’t have to do everything with him. It’s possible that he might want to join in when he sees you planning fun activities to do without him. But it’s possible he won’t. Eventually you will have to decide if the two of you are a good match and if the relationship you’re in is the one you want. You can’t expect to change who he is as a person to make you happy, you have to accept him as he is.

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