Unsure about our future

Hello,

I’m feeling pretty confused and lost concerning my relationship with my partner. I would love to read some of your insights.

We are both in our early 30’s and we have been together for 10 months. We live in his home in his home country in North America, I’m from Europe and was here with a working visa when I met him. We clicked well from the very beginning and even if I was afraid it would be only infatuation because everything was going too fast, too soon, I gave up my initial plans to go and visit another part of his country and followed him in the middle of nowhere where he had to work for a while. Then we moved into his house together. Everything felt really natural and I didn’t ask myself much more question.

The thing is, when we moved in together in his house, he suddenly changed and stopped being the man I loved. He became cold, preoccupied with something he wouldn’t talk about, uninterested, would distance himself physically and emotionnaly, stopped telling me how much he liked me and why, was almost mean sometimes. He used to be the kindest person, very attentive, very loving and affectionnate, always happy to be with me, interested in me, excellent listener too… So I thought that was just the magic of the early relationship and after trying to talk to him about this sudden change a few times without any change, I took the decision to leave because I was becoming really unhappy and sad. He had a major awakening when he realized I was feeling sad enough and promised he would change. He also explained to me why he was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed (and that wasn’t related to me). I was cautious at first because I wanted to see his long-term actions but he actually really changed. He became affectionnate and loving again, interested in me, we started to have fun together again and the more we were getting to be with each other, the more we were ourselves and I think we were rediscovering each other and truly falling in love without the infatuation this time.

But here I am, feeling unhappy again. I lost my job at the beginning of the pandemic and then my working visa ended, so I’m still at his place but on a tourist visa and no possibility of paid work. It’s been incredibly long, I’ve been having a few activities and tried some new hobbies but I can’t stand anymore to be stranded here where I used to travel and move all the time before. He is away the whole week and we see each other only the week-end. I’m on my own the whole week and don’t have any friends here. I’m feeling incredibly lonely and as if I’m wasting my time.

I’m going back to my home country in a few weeks for a while, and I was supposed after that to come back to his place so we could start the application for my permanent residence through his sponsorship (my idea, but he agreed). That takes a while (up to a year and even more sometimes ) and I can be in his country only as a tourist now. Plus he is working in remote places most of the upcoming year which mean I will be at his house and will barely see him from times to times. Something was growing uncomfortable and resentful inside me and I have to say I’ve been relieved when I found that that this plan wasn’t currently good, as I also have to be in his country when the permanent residence will be delivered to me and I have no idea when will that happen.

I’m feeling both relief and guilt. Starting this permanent residence application means I will have to save money mostly to be in his country as a tourist and to sit there without doing anything for my future for months. Also, when I will get this visa one year later if I get it, that will also be the time where he will be away for a very demanding school for one year where I won’t see him at all (he didn’t ask me to follow him there and it’s already been said that we won’t be able to see each other).

On my side, I want to go back to university, for at least 3 years, if not 4. I could study for cheap in Europe or I could study in his country but I would have to take a huge loan only to cover the university fees. He also lives in a very expensive area, which he can afford, but I can’t. And I honestly find the prices ridiculously high and I’m not willing to have to pay double for everything on the long-term (I would like to have my own B&B in the future and it’s not an option to buy something where he lives). Because he is paying for his own house, the renovations, and considering he will have to take a big loan for his school next year, visiting me in Europe is off the table. Holidays or traveling together, the same. He doesn’t even think about it. I feel like I’m the one invested and he just tags along, passively, but working on his future first when I was willing to compromise on mine before. Now I feel like I matter as well and should do the best for my career and my happiness. And I don’t see that happening in this current setting.
On the other side, he is everything I’ve dreamed of for a partner : kind, patient, compassionnate, beautiful values, strong, good listener, sweet… But I’m feeling a bit suffocated right now. I’m bored, really bored (I can’t drive in this country) and I can’t wait for it to end, even if that means being away from him. I’m also going some health issues right now which leave me extremely tired and I’m not as patient as before with him. When I used to love to talk with him and debate, now I just want to be left alone and I’m finding myself having issues to listen to him when he is the best listener in the world, so here again, guilty feeling.

He never plans for anything, never takes me out on dates, life is very much about work with him and I don’t know… Where I used to be happy to make all the plans for us to have fun, now I’m tired and would like to be “chased”. Also, we don’t have long-term plans together (buying a house together for example, or moving to another place…) He’s been single for a long while before me and I don’t know if it’s for that reason but each time he is talking about his future, I’m never in the picture. I know he loves me though, and I don’t want to hurt him.

Where are we going together ? I don’t want to break up but if I choose myself, I don’t see a positive outcome for our relationship 🙁 and that hurts. He also expects me to come back visit me later in the year.

Thank you in advance.