This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 8 months, 3 weeks ago.
October 19, 2019 at 5:34 pm #775777
So i am pretty sure i know what you guys are going to say so this is half advice seeking and half just venting because i am just so damn fed up with dating and all the confusion and stress it causes.
So I’ve been seeing a guy for 4 weeks. We’ve been on five dates. We are not exclusive and have been open about the stage we are at – which is just seeing how we are getting on. We both want a relationship and are clear we are looking for the right person and not looking to settle. We have had sex on our 4th and 5th dates. They have been proper dates not just home dates. Neither of us were sleeping with anyone else but obviously used protection. We are open to dating others although we don’t talk specifically about how the other dates go.
We message nearly daily. Sometimes a little. Sometimes for hours. Two weeks ago he didn’t reply to a message from me. It got to three days and i caved and sent a friendly “whats up?” Message. He replied and said it had been manic for him. I took his excuses with a pinch of salt but we carried on chatting and he initiated another date.
For the last 10 days either of us would initiate contact about 50/50 and i was chill with that. We also spoke on the phone for hours on two occasions.
Our last message exchange was Thursday evening. It was a chat going on over an hour or so. He said he would reply to my last message later as was busy. I said cool. I’ve not heard a word from him since – so only 2 days and in the context of us not being exclusive i know it shouldn’t be a big deal. But…. i find myself feeling upset he hasn’t initiated contact for 2 days- its out side of our usual pattern aside from two weeks ago. Also, we made a tentative plan to maybe go out last night. As it was i was busy and it was not a firm plan but he obviously didn’t check in.
I should also add that after our last date which ended up at his place, he said he really wanted us to have a non sex date as he doesn’t want to cloud his judgement with sex as it was really good but a future relationship needs more than that. I took that as a good sign – i was a bit baffled about taking a backwards step, but i know he is serious about finding a relationship not just sex and he was really open about that.
My friends say i should just text him bc its not a big deal that i text last as its not like i asked a question and its game playing and petty to wait for him to message me. But, i feel like if he is pulling back then i should too. I feel that it’s best to let him come to me as otherwise he is not needing to show his hand as it were … I’ve given him an easy route back. I am thinking i should wait and if he comes to me that’s cool but if he doesn’t then i know where i stand. But i also just keep thinking i should stop being stubborn and just message him because i want to and if he doesn’t respond its nothing lost… but if he replies i will never know what he would have done had i not messaged.
Its not obsessing me – I’m chatting and arranging dates with other men but i do really like this guy and without the gaps in communication i can see a potential future.
So – do i just leave it be and see what happens- whether he steps up or not?October 19, 2019 at 6:29 pm #775780
You sound like you have a good plan when you say it’s best he come to you this early in a relationship. He should be pursuing you if he’s very interested and the fact he isn’t and there’s been a change in his behavior is not a great sign. I’d do what you’re doing of going on other dates.October 19, 2019 at 7:04 pm #775781
I know its not what is advised on general but you went on 5 dates in 4 weeks and he wanted a new date, so to me a light (not a whats up but something more interesting) is not a big deal in the big scheme. So i would do itOctober 20, 2019 at 7:03 am #775789
If you are looking for a boyfriend, this is not it. Men who want to be boyfriends act like it. They lock it down and they do not discuss dating others, they have dates set up and do not leave more than 48 hours between touch points after 5 dates. Stop contacting him at all (generally you should not before a man is very consistent anyway and it should be about 1 to 3 if he is being consistent). You have your head on properly… let him lead. I doubt this will be much as he is slowing down.
And if you want a boyfriend, do not sleep with men who are dating others.October 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm #775807
Agree with Tallspicy. In truth the only way to know if a guy is really interested is to simply leave him alone and let him contact u.October 21, 2019 at 3:15 pm #775906
Well I caved and sent him a message on Saturday night- just a light comment. He replied straight away and we had an exchange of messages then as it was late we just said good night.
I’ve not heard from him since and I’m super annoyed with myself now as it feels like I’m having to reset the clock. I’ve pretty much accepted he has lost interest but will probably keep replying if i message him but i don’t see much point in that really.
I’ve got two dates this week but i do feel a bit flat about this guy fading because i liked him. I suspect he might be back if his new interest fades.
I know this is just how dating is … you connect or not. You keep looking and then maybe find a stronger connection and so on, but i am just so tired of it all. Its such work and its a little bit more crushing after every interaction/date doesn’t work out.
I’ve learnt not to be overly invested and to keep dating so its not as upsetting as it use to feel but it would be so nice not to have to go through this crapOctober 21, 2019 at 4:02 pm #775910
Stop seeing dating as work, its suppose to be fun.
I think sometimes we focus too much on finding someone already and that jades us if things don’t pan out.
Looks like this guy is fading out and sadly this happens in dating. Don’t let it get to you.
If he does in fact reappear later down the line please say no thanks. Do you want to be his second choice or after thought? Probably not.
In the future I would hold off on the sex until its at least exclusive dating. Otherwise you end up emotionally tied to someone who isn’t invested in you.
Also, don’t cave in by texting him. When a guy wants you as his gf and is pursuing you won’t have to go looking for him.October 21, 2019 at 4:16 pm #775912
Thanks Khadija,sex was definitely a mistake but at the time I seemed like a great idea 🙄
I know it shouldn’t feel like work to date but its just not fun dealing with rejection and the way we date these days just feels like a lot more negatives then positives. I try and enjoy it and not over invest. The dates are always fun and i am generally quite chilled out …. until i catch feelings and then the anxiety and overthinking sets inOctober 21, 2019 at 4:17 pm #775913
Thanks Khadija,sex was definitely a mistake but at the time I seemed like a great idea 🙄
I know it shouldn’t feel like work to date but its just not fun dealing with rejection and the way we date these days just feels like a lot more negatives then positives. I try and enjoy it and not over invest. The dates are always fun and i am generally quite chilled out …. until i catch feelings and then the anxiety and overthinking sets inOctober 21, 2019 at 5:21 pm #775914
Perhaps you should try to re framing your view on rejection and dating.
If something doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be.
In life you’ll get more no’s than yeses but, think about the times when you get a yes.
The times we get a yes is when something is for us.
Do you really want to be bothered with someone who can’t make dates with you and is too busy?
Its the bruise to your ego and this perceived rejection that is keeping your mind focused on this guy.
When you meet the right guy you will not be worried about the guys who didn’t text you back or never set another date.
Again,I really urge you to re-frame your thinking about dating, it will make the world of difference.October 22, 2019 at 4:55 am #775938
i think its ok you guys had sex on 4th date. that’s not really a deal breaker. but the fact that he said no to sex with you thereafter basically implied that hes not so sure about you and him in a relationship. and his actions thereafter shows hes not that keen either. he does reply when you message but is not really taking this ahead. I think you need to let this go. u seem to want to try for a relationship with him after the initial dates and sleepovers but he thinks different. its ok. don’t beat yourself up over this. and don’t push yourself to go on dates with men when your not too keen. its ok if you avoid that for some days.October 22, 2019 at 6:35 pm #775977
Just an opinion on the having sex too early or not. I don’t honestly think it matters, what matters is what your expectations are and how you behave after.
If you sleep with a guy on the first date then start acting all clingy, asking what’s up, or pursuing him he’s going to back up. So if it’s someone you want more than just sex from and you’re not able to lean back yourself don’t sleep with them too early. But if you can lean back and let him come to you, if he liked you he’s going to come and it doesn’t matter when or how early you slept with him.
All of my long term and best relationships started with sex on the first date.October 22, 2019 at 7:28 pm #775987
Yana, you are the very, very rare exception if you’ve been able to have sex on first dates with absolutely no expectations and have it turn into a long lasting relationship. Most women just can’t do it – we aren’t wired that way. Almost all the women posting here who’ve had sex early on are doing it assuming it will lead to a relationship. They lie to themselves that they can handle it. They can’t and they post here very upset because they feel jerked around or ghosted when they’ve set themselves up for a situation that doesn’t match their real desire.
Most women jump in with both feet way too fast, take a guy at his word and don’t discuss what they want right up front and look out for their own interests. They get love bombed, swept off their feet and think all the sweet talk and promises are real, when the faster and hotter it burns in the beginning, the faster the whole thing will crash and burn.
Most dating situations don’t get past a few dates or a few months, statistically. That’s important to remember.
And we only need ONE good one.
For most women, jumping into bed inside of the first eight weeks doesn’t work out. They’re better off waiting and watching the guy’s behavior. And even that is no guarantee it will work out into a long term relationship.
We forget dating is for the fun of getting to know each other and test compatibility. Sex clouds judgment and creates a false intimacy that isn’t usually sustainable.
The moral of the story – thinking that you’re going to have a stranger over to your house on a first date, have sex and have it turn into a long term relationship is too high a risk to your safety and your heart. It’s not worth it. I wish women were taught to value themselves and their bodies more.
Men think sex is fun and will say nice things they mean in the moment. It doesn’t mean they want a relationship. They’ll usually take sex if it’s offered. Doesn’t mean they’ll hang around.
OP – this was a hard lesson and I hope you will wise up. And PLEASE be more careful of safety when online dating.October 22, 2019 at 8:22 pm #775993
Too many great points made in K’s comment to mention.
@Yana, it is statistically unlikely for -all- of your relationships to turn long-term after sex on the first date. So either you’ve got mad luck and need to buy a lottery ticket.
Or there is a pattern, variables or an explanation that influenced that your positive experience. Could be a different culture, friends first before first date, long distance dating, non-online dating, small sample size of long term relationships etc
My bet’s on the latter so don’t buy that ticket :-)October 22, 2019 at 8:30 pm #775995
(non-online dating app*)October 23, 2019 at 5:50 am #776015
K – thanks for your comments. The only i would say is i am safe in my dating- this is not someone i slept with on a first date – it was dates 4 and 5.
Yana – both my (failed!) Marriages were men i slept with on the first date but its not something i do nowadays. I think if a man is going to bin you after sex he will do so whether its a first date or the fifth.
I think Kadjai is right about my focus on him being a hurt ego thing as whilst i saw potential i was far from convinced a relationship is a good idea or that he was right for me.
I didn’t think he was the type to just ghost/fade and we had even spoken about how to end things with someone if your not feeling it so he knows that i said I’d rather a guy just sent a brief text saying its not working and good luck or whatever- its not like I’d try and convince him to change his mind! Its just horrible to feel like you are not even worth a text. I have accepted he has lost interest and its done but i think a part of me was hoping it was just a lapse of a couple of days but he hasn’t messaged since the weekend when he replied to me so no message is the message itself.
I’m going to take a break from dating as I’m not finding it fun anymore xxOctober 23, 2019 at 6:48 am #776017
Good idea to take a break when it isn’t fun. Please remember- whilst you have all these different emotions and thoughts and ruminations going round your mind, he has absolutely no idea about them. He isn’t there thinking oh she thinks this or that or she’s feeling this or that. It’s all guess work.
You don’t need to show him any of your thoughts or feelings or reactions to anything. You both agreed to date others, so he knows this is where you’re at too.
It feels like you had hopes that didn’t come into fruition, but he doesn’t know that
In the grand scheme of things, he’s nothing to you. If I were you I’d likely send a text saying hi. Just thinking about the conversation we had about doing the decent thing and letting someone know when the interest has gone, and sending to let you know I’m not feeling it to want to carry on anything here. Hope you understand, all the best.October 23, 2019 at 6:49 am #776018
Because the not feeling it text works both ways… it’s not all in his powerOctober 23, 2019 at 10:07 am #776034
I’m glad you’re going to take a break if it’s not fun any longer.
Sorry I mixed this post up with another where the OP did have sex on the first date and is freaking out the guy ghosted.October 23, 2019 at 11:44 am #776049
The only time I’ve personally seen sleeping together early evolving into a long-term committed relationship, is when the man was already smitten with the woman before sleeping together as his brain was operating on a wholly opposite spectrum than he does with majority of women he meets. There’s just something about HER, she possess something, which I call the “it factor” that drives and compels him to want to be with her, and only her, not just for sex (lust), even though he is having sexual thoughts about her lol.
Sure there’s that 1% or 2% of men who meet a lady and instantly think “she’s the one” even after engaging in a one-night stand, but these are super super rare when taking into context the number of those that have failed when counting the number of women they met, spoke to, hit on, dated, or broke up with only to find they weren’t ‘the one.’ One or Two out of say 50 to 100 women (depending on many factors such as their age, attractiveness, personality, etc.) aren’t good odds for the woman. In majority of cases love develops over time, its not instantaneous, it evolves, grows and strengthens while spending time together in many different situations; not a roll in the hay.
Holding off on sex even with men who are very smitten (crushing or infatuated) with you will help to keep YOUR EMOTIONS intact and in check as you’re able to observe, watch and listen to those nagging [red] flags that one ignores or is blinded by when their sex hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, etc.) are clouding a woman’s ability to fully see the true intentions of a man more clearly. In the early stage its far too difficult to know, especially with men being testosterone driven (their primary sex hormone), which is what trips women up the most and why they find themselves in these situations.
Always ask this question: “Is he truly trying to create an emotional bond or is it lust/infatuation? The latter is more often the driving force and only by holding off on sex will reveal the answer based on his WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH formula. Due to how men’s brains are wired its best to take the non-sex route until you feel pretty confident and sure his intentions are primarily geared towards wanting to be *with you* and not lust (sex) driven over several months, not a few dates, especially if there are any mixed signals or they are using a whole bunch of flowery words, that’s when you have to be even more cautious! Like Steve Harvey say’s “THINK LIKE A MAN, ACT LIKE A LADY.” Steve KNOWS how men think, he is one haha, and so you too need to think like them and not like a lady lol.October 23, 2019 at 12:37 pm #776052
WHAT LANE SAID.
I’m a great fan of that book, stopped me cold from making dumb dating mistakes. Helped me meet and really connect with my BF soon to be fiance.
You really do have to learn to see dating, marriage and love from a man’s perspective. They are pretty simple, LOL. We girls make it soooo complicated sometimes. They will usually say exactly what they mean and if we’re honestly listening, it can save us a lot of time and heartache. Also, a guy who’s serious, you will see his actions matching his words.October 23, 2019 at 1:34 pm #776057
I think in this day and age of instant communication, we have lost the art of dating for fun. It used to be something fun to do and possibly make a connection. Now with social media and texting, and other apps for communication, we fail to realize that most good ways to find out if someone is into you is through their body language and facial expressions. It’s not even what they say and definitely not what they text. If you don’t ever see them, then you would naturally determine that they’re not interested, but since we have all ways of checking up on people, we’ve lost the art of connection and what really needs to happen for a relationship to be good or what we even want. I think it’s a recipe for disposable relationships as there is probably a new one right around the corner. I wish you Sad and all those out in the dating world luck- I can’t even imagine.October 23, 2019 at 1:36 pm #776058
Ss not Sad.October 23, 2019 at 3:59 pm #776068
T from NY
SS – I’m sorry for your disappointment. And there’s not a thing wrong with you that you are feeling it. Of course dating is supposed to be fun, but we all know it can flat out suck sometimes! For me, it would take a lot for me to even want to sleep with someone at this point. So yes sleeping with them increases my crush which is why I no longer do it with someone I really like! (Meaning the less I like you and the more attractive you are – the better chance you have of getting sex early from me. JK I rarely do – but you know what I mean) Now if I meet someone I really like the (slight) war within myself is with my SELF because as much as I like a guy I don’t want to put my emotions in an awkward position and CHOOSE to love myself more. I will say “I am really really attracted to you. But I don’t sleep around so wanna go get ice cream to cool off?” Or something silly like that. You hold of until they lock you down or they go away. It’s that simple.
I too have had (2) long-term relationships that began with sex on the first date. One relationship was the best I’ve ever had and I feel SO lucky to have experienced it, despite it ending. BUT the difference in both those instances was I TRULY was not looking for a relationship so had zero expectations if they contacted me again.
I have a slightly different take on your situation. As much as you suggested that you had an agreement with this man that you were not exclusive you definitely started wanting him to ACT exclusive after a few dates and getting physical. You catching feelings is fair and out of your control, you expecting such behavior from him and not letting him lead is not fair and absolutely under your control.
I am not sure how long it’s been since he’s reached out or set up a date — and I know some would consider it a lost cause because you’ve had sex and he’s disappeared — but because of all your talks about what you both wanted and his suggestion of non-sex dates I would CONsider seeing him again if he reached out and planned an outing. Yes most men know right away when they want to be with someone. But men are not robots and sometimes they are all over the place and despite saying he wants a relationship all your ‘agreements’ and discussions (even if there were only a couple, that’s too many in too short of a time) made him feel pressure. Men very occasionally need to play the field and the reason you don’t reach out is so they can MISS YOU. They could go out with Mary on Saturday night, then get home and wish they’d gone out with you so they reach out again.
The point is — when you aren’t over investing (either by having sex too early and catching expectations or not having sex and still catching expectations) you maybe wouldn’t have been as acutely aware of how long it’s been since you’d seen him. Texting should not be 50 50 in the beginning. It should be 90 10 (maybe 85 15 LOL) Phone chats should be kept to a minimum until they you are a girlfriend so they MISS you. Not games. Just an emotional outlook and boundaries. You will do better next time tending to you and making decisions based on what’s best for YOU – not for winning the man.October 23, 2019 at 4:50 pm #776070
So the update. After not hearing from him since he replied on Saturday i took honeypies advice and sent a text just saying he had been quiet and as i had mentioned before i prefer to know if a guys not feeling it and that i wasn’t going to cause him any drama if he felt nothing romantic for us. He voice messaged immediately and said he was sorry, that he had been a douche and that he likes me a lot but has realised he isn’t in the place for more than just casual and us getting closer freaked him out. He said he was a flakey mess and still trying to figure out the dating “rules” having only been dating for 6 months and that he perhaps behaved in a way with me that was too intimate and gave the wrong impression about his intentions because he doesnt actually know what they are aside from liking me.
We spoke on the phone after this and he said he had asked for a non sex date because he knew we were sexually compatible but not if we were compatible otherwise. He asked me if i would be ok taking a step back and seeing each other without expectations of sex. I didn’t really know what to say as even aside from a romantic relationship i do like him as a person but i don’t want to be messed about as I’m looking for a relationship.
So he asked me out to a movie i mentioned that i wanted to see on Sunday. I said yes … i am thinking it might not be wise to meet but appreciated his honesty and that he isn’t asking me to be a fwb – just a friend he wants to get to know. It might end up being a bad move but i know myself well and part of my upset about him pulling back is my own self esteem issues and a bit of an attachment reaction – i was ambivalent about him until he pulled back and i can recognise the whole push/pull dynamic as it played out.
So I’ll go see the movie and go on my other pre arranged dates for this weekend but if neither date goes anywhere I’ll take a break.
I can’t remember who said it but thanks to the person that reminded me dating is meant to be fun and about finding out if you are a match- i haven’t been having fun its been a stress and that is all to do with my mind set, my anxiety and my low self esteem. I have had a real reflection on what happens when i like someone and realised it stops being fun because i go from carefree and fun to the whole “does he like me” thing .. i create the drama and i stop having fun because I’ve forgotten that dating isn’t about every man i date loving me – its about exploring if we can be more with eachother and if it doesn’t work out that’s not my fault or theirs, no one is a bad person/not good enough… we just weren’t a match… and that is ok!