Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Thinking About Losing My Virginity
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Andi.
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Andi
I’ve been a virgin a really long time. I’m almost 40 and have never had sex. Mainly because I’ve never met the right person. I’ve never met anyone who I wanted to give that part of myself to.
A month ago, Rick and I matched on a dating app. We hit it off right away messaging back and forth and after 11 days, he asked me out on a date. I was out of town for the next 9 days, and told him I’d love to go on a date when I was back in town. We exchanged numbers and texted each other every day until I was back in town and then we finally had the chance to meet and go out on a date.
The date was great! I felt really comfortable with him really quickly. Like more comfortable than I’ve ever been with anyone else. For the first time, I was truly just myself and not trying to impress a guy or be what I thought he’d want. He seemed pretty relaxed and comfortable too. After talking for a few hours, we made out a little and cuddled. We continued to text daily (him initiating all texts) and scheduled a second date. The second date was incredible! We kissed, made out, cuddled, and gave each other back massages. At this point, I told him I was a virgin. He was very respectful and didn’t pressure me.
Since our second date, he’s been texting me and telling me that he wants to make love with me, but he understands I’m not ready yet. He’s told me multiple times now that he wants to make love with me and earlier tonight he asked me if I’d be comfortable with oral sex. I said I wasn’t quite there yet and also said we need to get tested for STIs first. He said ok and told me “whatever you’re comfortable with.”
I’ll be honest, I’ve waited a REALLY long time to have sex and I REALLY do want to. But I’m a little nervous that this might be moving too fast. And I’m apprehensive because what if I sleep with him and things don’t work out? I’ve waited all this time! Do I really want it to be with someone I don’t end up with? And what if he’s just using me? He doesn’t seem like he would, but you never know. Some guys see being with a virgin as some sort of challenge.
I do really like him and I do want to be intimate with him and I don’t want to make him wait forever. But I worry that if I do this, I might regret it later.
We have our third and fourth dates planned already – him initiating and planning.
I guess what I’m asking is: How long are guys willing to wait? Is this moving too fast? Is it appropriate for me to ask to be exclusive before having sex? Any other advice would be super helpful.
GaiaThis feels strongly like a fake post but I’ll bite…
A man asking for any type of sexual favors on the first date is showing you exactly what he is after. He’s looking for sex or some form of it.
You are moving fast. No judgement. To each their own. But realize that there is always a possibility of dating someone for months on end then sleeping with them to have them ghost you or for you to realize you are not sexually compatible. These are risks that you take when dating.
Ask yourself if you want to sleep with someone who you are not in a committed relationship with? Having 3rd and 4th date plans is not a committed relationship.
JessieHi Sis. I have been in the exact situation like you previously and I totally regretted losing my V card that fast instead of knowing him more first (in the end, he was a cheater and in an on-going 5 year relationship. I nearly lost my sanity).
I can tell you that the moment you reveal that you are still a virgin, the more he wanted to pursue sex with you. It is never so called true love right from the start. I would say it is more of lust.
If he really likes and respect you, he would be able to wait. Certain things cannot be rushed. I only can say do not allow him to pressure you into doing the deed. Protect yourself.
AndiThank you for your advice. Just wanted to give a quick update. Rick and I had a good, long talk and he apologized for being pushy or making me feel pressured. I reiterated what I’m looking for – an exclusive, committed relationship – and he said he wants that too eventually, but he’s not sure if he’s ready right now. He just got out of a toxic relationship and he doesn’t feel he’s in the right headspace for a committed relationship right now. Which I understand and fully respect.
We both agreed that we really enjoy each other’s company and want to at least be friends. He said maybe in the future when he’s ready for a relationship we can see where things go. But I’m not holding my breath.
I really appreciated his honesty. He could have just told me what I wanted to hear, slept with me, and ghosted me, or slept with other women while being with me. But he didn’t. Instead he was honest and upfront, and still wants to be friends. I told him I appreciated his honesty and said we can still be friends.
So, back to swiping I go!
MaddieI’m glad you stayed true and communicated your needs, and you were able to filter him out that way. I’m also glad he was honest, but don’t give him too much credit for that because it’s too low a bar. Honesty should be a given, even though it’s not always! I’m a little disappointed on your behalf that he knew what you wanted immediately but still tried to see what he could get first instead of admitting it was a mismatch from the start. You did the right thing throughout though, and if you continue to be direct about what you’re looking for you’ll find someone looking for the same :)
GaiaExactly what Maddie said! Also, please realize that he was giving you a polite brush off by saying “he eventually wants a relationship” and then blaming it on the past relationship. I can almost guarantee if you go out with him as friends that he will still try to get overly friendly and do things to make you think the relationship could possibly turn into more… it won’t. Keep swiping and keep your standards high!
AndiThanks ladies! I already have a date with someone new lined up for Sunday!
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