This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by B 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
February 27, 2021 at 8:50 am #845949
We met many years ago in London when I had been with my (soon to be, hopefully) ex for three years, married for the last one: the relationship was toxic but I wasn’t aware of it at the time, and we were in the middle of our first of several crisis. I was heartbroken because I thought that my husband didn’t love me anymore. Little did I know that it was just a typical narcissist/codependent relationship that will make my life really hard in the years to come. T came and we made a connection I’ve never experienced in my life with a man: I felt that we already knew each other in a past life and that we were very similar, if you can believe those things, but nothing physical happened because I wasn’t ready to give up on my marriage and he understood. It was an emotional affair. He was also seven years younger than me and I thought that he needed to live his life, and I didn’t want to influence it. It wasn’t the right time for us. We parted ways with our hearts broken, he moved away and we stayed in touch for a while but it became too painful and I (cowardly) changed my number without telling him and disappeared. I stayed with my husband, had children, but I wasn’t happy most of the time. Whenever something awful happened in my marriage I looked for him: Paris, Barcellona (he’s a musician and moved around a lot). I eventually found him and emailed him. I lied to him, telling him I was happy, and I apologised for breaking his heart back then. He understood and was thrilled to hear from me. We wrote to each other for a while but then we stopped. Last year covid came and my marriage started to collapse again, I thought of him and reached out again. He was really happy to hear from me and we started texting. He told me that he wanted to come to London (where I live again now) before covid and he would do it as soon as possible, and that he wanted to see me. This made my heart jump and I started obsessing over him. It’s been almost a year, covid still makes us wait, I’m finally going to separate from my husband and I need to know what’s what with T before I can really move on with my life.
He lives in the south of France now. We’ve been texting and he’s been adorable and clearly there’s something there. He does hate social media and uses them only for work and he has apologised for being a crappy long-distance friend, but he insists (he’s quite adamant) on seeing each other in person because he says he wants to connect to me that way. From his rare posts it looks like he ended a serious relationship before last summer (different living situation) and sadly his dad passed away a few months after, but he doesn’t share these personal things with me and aside from extending my condolences and letting him know I’m here if he needs me, even if far, I’m respecting his need for space. He’s very sensitive and very private, which I actually like. I’ve hinted at my personal situation but I didn’t want to say too much, and I only text him every few weeks but I mostly initiate.
What can I do to make him think about me ENOUGH so that we get to actually meet in person and he doesn’t loose interest in the meantime without seeming clingy or desperate? This could actually happen soon, and I need to do this so I don’t get stuck on it forever. I need this to either end or progress, and yes – I am aware that this is real life and not The Age of Innocence.
Thank you.February 27, 2021 at 10:52 am #845968
I feel really bad to tell you this, but T is 99% just a fantasy. He always meant something when your marriage was even worse than average bad. But the thing with staying married to a narcissistic as/shole means that your selfesteem and intuiton and gut is shread into pieces at the moment. So T is nice as a current crush while dealing with the messy divorce.
What you do need is to focus all on healing and getting grounded as a separated woman.
So he is not the one who got away, but the one you shows up when youre totally miserable.
You can do it without T. Just gather all the social network you need and build yourself back up.
Sorry i know this isnt the advice you were looking for but its the only thing i haveFebruary 27, 2021 at 11:00 am #845972
You are looking for an escape & he is ‘Your Knight.’
The only one who can save you is You…
Get out of your abusive marriage & re-find yourself.
Good LuckFebruary 27, 2021 at 12:43 pm #845988
Any description of “it felt like we knew each other forever” is a red flag of the highest order of it being really unhealthy. It usually means familiar feelings from childhood is the worst way.February 27, 2021 at 2:27 pm #846004
Thank you, Raven. I know it is an escape mechanism, but I’m hoping to close this “unfinished business” soon, one way or the other. Obviously it’ll be truly amazing if it went the way it does for the few lucky bastards who “meet again 20 years later and fall for each other all over again etc.”, but I know that’s incredibly rare.February 27, 2021 at 2:37 pm #846006
Thank you, Newbie. Don’t feel bad, I’m fine. I want to heal by myself, that is still my priority. I agree with everything you said, but I still need closure on this because the “what ifs” are very powerful.February 27, 2021 at 2:43 pm #846007
Yes Tallspicy, I know it could be a red flag, I’ve been educating myself on narcissism these past months. It may also mean that we have the same temperament and sensibility, which is quite possible. I guess I need to see this through before I can put it to rest and go on with my life.
Thank you.February 27, 2021 at 3:26 pm #846016
Its clear you want to see this threw. I would say as an answer to your question how to keep him interested is to stop initiating. From what you said youre the only one reaching out and he responds. Make him actual work for it. As a perk you can see his real interest level, which i dont view as that high really. I wish you all the best during this also difficult time and am happy for you you decided to chose your own happiness. It could be a long road thoughFebruary 27, 2021 at 3:35 pm #846018
If you really want to see this through, you should ask him if he’s actually single instead of guessing and assuming things under the guise of “giving him space”. There’s no sense in getting your hopes up for his visit only to be crushed if he’s not. I know you may want the fantasy to push yourself to see the divorce through, but one of the tasks of breaking toxic relationship patterns is using clear communication to figure out if different potential partners you meet are reliable, trustworthy, and looking for something similar to what you want, and then choosing the healthier partners. So, making sure he’s single and still thinks of you as potentially more than a friend also (even if he doesn’t know anything past that yet because it’s been so long since you saw each other) rather than using “see it through” as an excuse to lead yourself on to hold onto the fantasy as long as possible. Besides, if he’s not actually single and reengaging with you in this way, you’ll know he’s also a giant red flag to stay away from if you’re looking for a healthier future relationship once you’ve taken the time to heal from your marriage.
Also, I totally agree with Tallspicy, which is why this is important to suss out first if you’re serious about making healthier relationship decisions in the future.February 27, 2021 at 5:22 pm #846033
Thank you, Maddie. I agree with you, especially about the need to figure out if this is another potentially toxic dynamic: but I am terrified to find out now, in the middle of this difficult moment for me when I’m about to slay a nasty dragon all by myself without much support (family, which is dysfunctional anyway, and best friends also far away). For all I know I might even be the one who doesn’t like him anymore when I’ll see him!